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Do you reach out to someone who ghosted you?


Blake101

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This is more of a question and also a forum to write down your own personal story.

 

I personally believe I just got ghosted by someone i've been seeing for a month and a half (I asked her when she was free and she hasn't responded the entire day even though she has read it).

 

There's one side of me that wants me to delete her off of everything and move on. (Easiest)

 

Another side of me that wants to text her on Sunday saying something like "It seems evident that things between us are starting to fade. I can take the hint but it still doesn't change the fact how disrespectful it is to leave someone hanging. I know you're not a bad person, but no one deserves to be ghosted. I wish you well." (For my own personal gain - my way of saying goodbye)

 

And lastly not texting her, still having her on social media yet not interacting with her at all. (The hardest)

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This is more of a question and also a forum to write down your own personal story.

 

I personally believe I just got ghosted by someone i've been seeing for a month and a half (I asked her when she was free and she hasn't responded the entire day even though she has read it).

 

There's one side of me that wants me to delete her off of everything and move on. (Easiest)

I would not call *ghosting* someone that has not answered me for a day, even if they've seen my message.

 

 

 

Yes I have reached out to men I was dating that didn't get back to me after a certain time. Not all of them but those I felt we had a good thing going. I had nothing to lose. It's just casual dating at that point.

 

 

Another side of me that wants to text her on Sunday saying something like "It seems evident that things between us are starting to fade. I can take the hint but it still doesn't change the fact how disrespectful it is to leave someone hanging. I know you're not a bad person, but no one deserves to be ghosted. I wish you well." (For my own personal gain - my way of saying goodbye)
In the past I remember sending something like this and I ended up regretting. The man made it clear he had never promised me a rose garden and it was just dating and I should learn to keep my cool. It was a good lesson that I learn from. Until you are dating exclusively you don't owe anything to each other.
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Happy Lemming

I usually give someone 24 hours to respond.

 

Did you send a text or leave her a voicemail??

 

Many years ago, I was dating this woman and I thought things were OK. One day I left her a voicemail message about weekend plans and didn't hear back from her.

 

Fast forward three weeks and she returned my phone call telling me she had been mad at me (over something stupid) and that is why she went silent. Then she started asking about my weekend plans. I told her I was going out with my new girlfriend and she had been replaced... Bye-bye.

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Versacehottie

If you want to put the final nail in the coffin and go emo, your first or second option. Personally, I think guys that do that just show that you are making the right choice with their emo behavior (not very manly IMO). First of all, are your emotions that sensitive that you can't wait a day to hear back from her? And so what if she is fading--don't need her or want her then anyway, no need to go nuclear just because of it.

 

So I would vote for the 3rd option. No response from your end says a lot as well & will have her wondering (which kinda always leaves the door open--which is best option for you, selfishly. so good). Plus you don't even know if you are right--you are just presuming. Bad move that. If she is indeed fading on you, you can say your peace at any time in the future WHEN she contacts you. And take the high road, like SHE missed out. No better way to remind someone that they f*cked up. It will have no impact on her if you try to reprimand her with your text (which actually shows insecurity honestly) or by blocking her and unfollowing etc. If you choose the 3rd option, you can wait around 3 months and then unfollow her on social media, like you are cleaning up your social media to keep it current and relevant. That's what I recommend.

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Lotsgoingon

Dude, in the online world, she has the right to leave you hanging ... and you have the right to leave her hanging. In other words, the relationship isn't developed enough for her to owe you consistency and follow-through.

 

The etiquette you're missing is that it's your job ... to keep your own emotions together ... and to avoid investing deep feelings into someone until after you have met them in person ... and even then you want multiple meetings.

 

If you haven't already ...you will ghost somebody one day ... And you don't even have to intend to ... Just get distracted by several other people in your life ... and events ... and school ... work, whatever.

 

Obviously some ghosting is deliberate ... but then again ... you know how you can start researching a particular topic online ... click some sidebar ... from the sidebar .... another article comes up ... then you remember something else you wanted to learn ... so you open another tab ... and then your friend texts you about a youtube video you just have to see ... and next thing you know .. you have forgotten all about that original article and topic you went online to research ... that could be four/five hours easy these days.

 

Well ...when you're texting people before having met them ... you're basically like a webpage that can be in her attention for a while ... and then her old bf texts her ... and a guy she met last week texts her ... and it's time for bed ... and she wakes up the next day to go to school or work ... doesn't think about for a full day ... without intending to reject you ...

 

So chill ... lighten up on the commitment and emotion when you're just meeting someone online.

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ExpatInItaly

OP, give her some time to respond.

 

You have no idea if she's busy with something else and is going to get back to you when she has a moment. For all you know, she could be attending to something urgent. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt if you've only been dating a month and it's only been a day since you messaged her.

 

If you haven't heard from her in a couple days from now, then yes, I'd assume she's not interested and doesn't have the courage to tell you. Would I contact her with your planned message? Nah, not yet. Chances are she will get in touch at some point, and when she does, then I'd let her know you don't appreciate being left hanging and that you're no longer available.

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cereal_dater

Nah don't fire off some butt-hurt text out of spite. Just makes yourself look bad and nothing more.

 

Couple factors.. How did you meet? Did you sleep with her? Did something happen last date?

 

Just sit on it a week or two and reengage with something non-committal. Like "Just saw X and it reminded me of you. Hope you're well". Or something witty. Or an inside joke between the two of you. Long as it's interesting to get her attention.

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Let it go. After 24 hours, you're going a bit nuclear. Whether you try to reach out once more or not, twice more, maybe, is up to you, but don't freak out over 24 hours. Really, she may never respond, but you really need to realize that this early, you can't have any expectations other than the next date, and if she responds favorably to that, you look forward to the next.

 

I understand your feelings here. It doesn't take that much time to shoot off a text, but at the same time, there are people who won't want to get into texting until there is time to text...the same as not calling unless there's time to talk. They don't have conversations while shopping the way a lot of people do these days, and they don't want to be distracted...they want the attention where it should be.

 

I think your best option is to let it go. No need to reprimand her. If I got a text like that, you'd be "nexted" really fast. Why? Because I don't need someone in my life who's so off-kilter, they react like we've been dating for months. Tossing out a character assassination, even if it's true (inconsiderate for fully ignoring), will not go over well. At a future date, you can discuss communication preferences.

 

Your best option is to just let it go. As previously stated, this won't burn a bridge and will keep your options open, should she reach out to you. It's your choice if you want to try again or not, but it's at that time you can tell her that you're seeing someone else or you're not interested in pursuing anything further...whatever you choose. After a few weeks you can delete her from social media. I just don't see the point in shooting off nasty texts.

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Disabuse yourself of the notion that a woman you may have interest in owes you devotion right off the bat. No. That's not how life works. Never has.

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I would not call *ghosting* someone that has not answered me for a day, even if they've seen my message.

 

 

 

Yes I have reached out to men I was dating that didn't get back to me after a certain time. Not all of them but those I felt we had a good thing going. I had nothing to lose. It's just casual dating at that point.

 

 

In the past I remember sending something like this and I ended up regretting. The man made it clear he had never promised me a rose garden and it was just dating and I should learn to keep my cool. It was a good lesson that I learn from. Until you are dating exclusively you don't owe anything to each other.

 

I agree with most of what you are saying, except the dating exclusively part. I had, at one point, dated someone for 2 months without spurring the exclusivity talk. If I or she left, as in "ghosted", would you still hold the same belief?

 

For me, after the third date, I would most definitely expect at least a text message indicating that she wanted to go different ways. For example, I dated someone about 7 months ago, in which we went on 4 dates, but then later called me saying that she just got out of a relationship and felt she wasn't ready to dive right back into one. Whether or not that was true, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I was able to understand the situation, and accept it for what it was worth without going through days of overthinking. I wasn't mad, but rather happy she did that. And guess what happened - we ended up being friends later on. Why? Because there was already that level of respect. And even though we wouldn't have worked out, she had the decency to be transparent instead of taking the coward's way out.

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I usually give someone 24 hours to respond.

 

Did you send a text or leave her a voicemail??

 

Many years ago, I was dating this woman and I thought things were OK. One day I left her a voicemail message about weekend plans and didn't hear back from her.

 

Fast forward three weeks and she returned my phone call telling me she had been mad at me (over something stupid) and that is why she went silent. Then she started asking about my weekend plans. I told her I was going out with my new girlfriend and she had been replaced... Bye-bye.

 

I was actually going to call her to surprise her. Mainly because I was able to construct a list of possible apartments she could live in next semester for college and that one of the landlords was able to reduce her rent to 250 a month if she brought in three more people without the cost of utilities.

 

But instead I snapchatted her asking when she was free, and she saw the message, chose not to respond to it. So whether or not she'll come back, I don't know. I'm just doing my own thing at this point. I mourned over it yesterday but now I'm already talking to other girls. I know i'll be fine but I actually like this girl so for her to just flake on me out of the blue doesn't sit well with me.

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If you want to put the final nail in the coffin and go emo, your first or second option. Personally, I think guys that do that just show that you are making the right choice with their emo behavior (not very manly IMO). First of all, are your emotions that sensitive that you can't wait a day to hear back from her? And so what if she is fading--don't need her or want her then anyway, no need to go nuclear just because of it.

 

So I would vote for the 3rd option. No response from your end says a lot as well & will have her wondering (which kinda always leaves the door open--which is best option for you, selfishly. so good). Plus you don't even know if you are right--you are just presuming. Bad move that. If she is indeed fading on you, you can say your peace at any time in the future WHEN she contacts you. And take the high road, like SHE missed out. No better way to remind someone that they f*cked up. It will have no impact on her if you try to reprimand her with your text (which actually shows insecurity honestly) or by blocking her and unfollowing etc. If you choose the 3rd option, you can wait around 3 months and then unfollow her on social media, like you are cleaning up your social media to keep it current and relevant. That's what I recommend.

 

I just do not like getting ignored, simple as that. Plus, what has worked for me in the past is to cut them off completely. Because I always end up having lingering hope, and that always prevents me from fully moving on. But considering we've only been dating for a little over a month, and talking for two, this will sting but won't mess me up completely.

 

It takes a while for me to warm up to someone. To like them. So when I do, I'd like to not waste my time.

 

But i'll try something different this time I suppose. I've been updating my social media (as in snap story) since then, so at least it looks as though her rejection didn't completely phase me out. But if I have to be honest, I do miss her and I wanted this to go farther than it ended up going. But it is what it is.

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Dude, in the online world, she has the right to leave you hanging ... and you have the right to leave her hanging. In other words, the relationship isn't developed enough for her to owe you consistency and follow-through.

 

The etiquette you're missing is that it's your job ... to keep your own emotions together ... and to avoid investing deep feelings into someone until after you have met them in person ... and even then you want multiple meetings.

 

If you haven't already ...you will ghost somebody one day ... And you don't even have to intend to ... Just get distracted by several other people in your life ... and events ... and school ... work, whatever.

 

Obviously some ghosting is deliberate ... but then again ... you know how you can start researching a particular topic online ... click some sidebar ... from the sidebar .... another article comes up ... then you remember something else you wanted to learn ... so you open another tab ... and then your friend texts you about a youtube video you just have to see ... and next thing you know .. you have forgotten all about that original article and topic you went online to research ... that could be four/five hours easy these days.

 

Well ...when you're texting people before having met them ... you're basically like a webpage that can be in her attention for a while ... and then her old bf texts her ... and a guy she met last week texts her ... and it's time for bed ... and she wakes up the next day to go to school or work ... doesn't think about for a full day ... without intending to reject you ...

 

So chill ... lighten up on the commitment and emotion when you're just meeting someone online.

 

I would agree with you completely, but I have seen her in person, on multiple occasions. I've taken her to a baseball game for goodness sake lol

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OP, give her some time to respond.

 

You have no idea if she's busy with something else and is going to get back to you when she has a moment. For all you know, she could be attending to something urgent. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt if you've only been dating a month and it's only been a day since you messaged her.

 

If you haven't heard from her in a couple days from now, then yes, I'd assume she's not interested and doesn't have the courage to tell you. Would I contact her with your planned message? Nah, not yet. Chances are she will get in touch at some point, and when she does, then I'd let her know you don't appreciate being left hanging and that you're no longer available.

 

It was weird, she sent me a snap right before our snap streak was going to end - not sure if that was her way of reaching out but I chose not to respond because I asked her a question and she ignored it.

 

Maybe she'll reach out later. She doesn't seem like the person who would do that, but really after one month of knowing someone, you still don't know them completely.

 

And like I said before, If I do send a message later, i'll be for my own benefit. My own goodbye. Not really caring if she'll respond, but if it gives me peace of mind, then I think it's worth doing.

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To me, you don't contact her again if you don't hear from her. I'm with everyone else that said you are grossly overreacting, though, because life happens and some things come first over texting friends. No one has to text you back right away and lots of people just don't do it that way.

 

Anyway, common sense is you don't contact her. You already did. I often hear the argument, well, I'm worried if something happened to her. Well, if you don't contact her back and she somehow missed that text, which is unlikely, don't you think she'd also be worried about not hearing from you and contact you to check on you? So just let it go and if it was a mistake or a thing in her life, she will contact you eventually. If not, let it go.

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Nah don't fire off some butt-hurt text out of spite. Just makes yourself look bad and nothing more.

 

Couple factors.. How did you meet? Did you sleep with her? Did something happen last date?

 

Just sit on it a week or two and reengage with something non-committal. Like "Just saw X and it reminded me of you. Hope you're well". Or something witty. Or an inside joke between the two of you. Long as it's interesting to get her attention.

 

Tinder so I already know what you're going to say lol

 

And yes we have slept together, and the dates we've gone on were pretty awesome. Nice restaurants, a baseball game, and we were planning on going kayaking.

 

Let me think about the last date -- some red flags would be that we both payed for our meals. We usually have each other but for some reason she wanted separate checks. Another weird thing was something I said. She mentioned that she was about to cancel again (to take another shift at work) and I responded saying, "well then would have been the last time you would have heard from me." And though I said it in a joking way, I think it came off as aggressive.

 

We had a deep conversation though, which is what puzzles me. It was the first time she was completely vulnerable. And when I said, "Alright, I have to go but i'll see you another day" and she smiled, said "yes of course" and then we kissed each other goodbye.

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I agree with most of what you are saying, except the dating exclusively part. I had, at one point, dated someone for 2 months without spurring the exclusivity talk. If I or she left, as in "ghosted", would you still hold the same belief?

 

 

I would not date someone 2 months without addressing exclusivity. I would not date someone more than 5 dates without talking exclusivity. That's why if he disappears it's not that big of a deal.

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Versacehottie
I just do not like getting ignored, simple as that. Plus, what has worked for me in the past is to cut them off completely. Because I always end up having lingering hope, and that always prevents me from fully moving on. But considering we've only been dating for a little over a month, and talking for two, this will sting but won't mess me up completely.

 

It takes a while for me to warm up to someone. To like them. So when I do, I'd like to not waste my time.

 

But i'll try something different this time I suppose. I've been updating my social media (as in snap story) since then, so at least it looks as though her rejection didn't completely phase me out. But if I have to be honest, I do miss her and I wanted this to go farther than it ended up going. But it is what it is.

 

100% your post here indicates that you do not accept that "it is what it is". Everything is me, me, me. On your timeframe, your expectations. You don't need to have the last word. And if it is at college, pretty much out of the norm and your overreaction will make the rounds.

 

Glad you like her but you don't want to 'waste your time'--what about her time, life, other obligations, how quickly she warms up to someone. Idk, but all of what you have said sounds pushy and aggressive and bound to get you nowhere. That said, i do think she is fading on you. You are so paranoid about being ghosted that you feel you need to tell her off--but it won't change the fact that she is indeed not into you, fading on you, or ghosting you if that is indeed what is going on. She hasn't mistreated you, which might be deserving of needing to have the last word. At most she is losing interest, dating others (which you are too); at best she is busy and not aware of how hair trigger you are and how easily you get butt hurt. It's funny when respond these type of posts with people with your anxiety and unrealistic expectation--you are trying to get them to see that not everything operates in their comfort level and timeframe and you can see they are going to persist & it's probably how they ended up in this situation in the first place and will continue to for years.

 

I don't think you are misreading the situation completely wrong--i do think she is not as into you as you are to her. But you may very well be misreading how you ended up here in this position and how you will sabotage it and how to handle it well. :confused:

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Tinder so I already know what you're going to say lol

 

And yes we have slept together, and the dates we've gone on were pretty awesome. Nice restaurants, a baseball game, and we were planning on going kayaking.

 

Let me think about the last date -- some red flags would be that we both payed for our meals. We usually have each other but for some reason she wanted separate checks. Another weird thing was something I said. She mentioned that she was about to cancel again (to take another shift at work) and I responded saying, "well then would have been the last time you would have heard from me." And though I said it in a joking way, I think it came off as aggressive.

 

We had a deep conversation though, which is what puzzles me. It was the first time she was completely vulnerable. And when I said, "Alright, I have to go but i'll see you another day" and she smiled, said "yes of course" and then we kissed each other goodbye.

 

I think that's what happened then. Your comment was very controlling and hostile. You can say you were joking, but those words came out of your mouth, so they were in your brain first and you were thinking them. Women see through that "only joking" stuff, and they also see through it when you try to gaslight them by saying "I was only kidding, geez, lighten up" as if it's their problem. It's not passive-aggressive, it's aggressive. She has had time to process it all since then.

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cereal_dater
Tinder so I already know what you're going to say lol

 

And yes we have slept together, and the dates we've gone on were pretty awesome. Nice restaurants, a baseball game, and we were planning on going kayaking.

 

Let me think about the last date -- some red flags would be that we both payed for our meals. We usually have each other but for some reason she wanted separate checks. Another weird thing was something I said. She mentioned that she was about to cancel again (to take another shift at work) and I responded saying, "well then would have been the last time you would have heard from me." And though I said it in a joking way, I think it came off as aggressive.

 

We had a deep conversation though, which is what puzzles me. It was the first time she was completely vulnerable. And when I said, "Alright, I have to go but i'll see you another day" and she smiled, said "yes of course" and then we kissed each other goodbye.

 

I mean, it's anyone's guess.

 

She's on Tinder so you know she's dating multiple men whether she admits it or not. I've been around the block on Tinder and Bumble and the fact is people are only as loyal as their options on these apps, and no matter how much rapport you build, they tend to vanish when the next shiny object catches their attention. My experience says don't even get attached to a someone from online dating unless their account has been deleted for some time. Their often here one day gone the next.

 

Just last week I had a girl from Bumble tell me after a few weeks of talking that "we have a very special connection blah blah" how much she liked me. Within about 24-48 hours I would never hear from her again :laugh:

 

The other two things that stood out with your response

 

1) A girl with high interest would almost certainly rather see you before picking up a shift at work, unless she really needed the money. That's a red flag.

 

2) Your comment about "would have been the last time you heard from me" was super passive aggressive, clingy, needy, everything you shouldn't say pretty much. Given that statement and the text you were about to send, this probably isn't the first time you've let this side of you show either. This is not an attractive trait.

 

Just play it cool. The old skool rule.

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100% your post here indicates that you do not accept that "it is what it is". Everything is me, me, me. On your timeframe, your expectations. You don't need to have the last word. And if it is at college, pretty much out of the norm and your overreaction will make the rounds.

 

Glad you like her but you don't want to 'waste your time'--what about her time, life, other obligations, how quickly she warms up to someone. Idk, but all of what you have said sounds pushy and aggressive and bound to get you nowhere. That said, i do think she is fading on you. You are so paranoid about being ghosted that you feel you need to tell her off--but it won't change the fact that she is indeed not into you, fading on you, or ghosting you if that is indeed what is going on. She hasn't mistreated you, which might be deserving of needing to have the last word. At most she is losing interest, dating others (which you are too); at best she is busy and not aware of how hair trigger you are and how easily you get butt hurt. It's funny when respond these type of posts with people with your anxiety and unrealistic expectation--you are trying to get them to see that not everything operates in their comfort level and timeframe and you can see they are going to persist & it's probably how they ended up in this situation in the first place and will continue to for years.

 

I don't think you are misreading the situation completely wrong--i do think she is not as into you as you are to her. But you may very well be misreading how you ended up here in this position and how you will sabotage it and how to handle it well. :confused:

 

I'm going to have to disagree with you on many points. One of which, is your idea that I only think about myself. Very, very false. I can't prove it to you, only tell you, but based on all of my past relationships, being selfless and puting others first has always been a quality of mine. Given that I had dated a lot, I realize the moment you start making excuses for someone else for their behavior, that is the moment you start bull-****ting yourself.

 

You can't sit there and tell me that you can talk to someone everyday for a couple of months and then all at once go blank. Then later tell me my feelings aren't justified. That's ludicrous. So yes, she has mistreated me. Explain to me how it's not.

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DrReplyInRhymes

Depends on why they decided to ghost you at first,

Dating often has long pauses, life happens at it's worst,

What's wrong with picking up where you left off last?

As long as you're not being lead on, schedule a date fast!

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Versacehottie
I'm going to have to disagree with you on many points. One of which, is your idea that I only think about myself. Very, very false. I can't prove it to you, only tell you, but based on all of my past relationships, being selfless and puting others first has always been a quality of mine. Given that I had dated a lot, I realize the moment you start making excuses for someone else for their behavior, that is the moment you start bull-****ting yourself.

 

You can't sit there and tell me that you can talk to someone everyday for a couple of months and then all at once go blank. Then later tell me my feelings aren't justified. That's ludicrous. So yes, she has mistreated me. Explain to me how it's not.

 

That's what a lot of people who are anxious do. They do everything "right" to get what they want--can't explain it well right now but maybe you will examine if that is occurring in your life. . On the other hand, there is very little, if any, leeway to consider the other person. Very rigid thinking and very hair-trigger. Anyway I will take your word for it how you are and how well it has worked for you.

 

Do i think it's immature, selfish & lame of her to disappear on you after talking to you every day for two months? Yes. I don't think it's mistreatment per se. Not the best for sure (plus we were talking about 12-24 hours at the OP). That still doesn't mean you should do something lame in response. I can't offer my advice to this girl because she isn't asking. You are. I can offer advice to you since you are here asking & whether you take it or not, maybe it will help you see another perspective or how you come off to others and that will help you in this situation or in others going forward. Some self-examination. Not saying your feelings aren't justified but perhaps you are using anger to cover up your hurt and disappointment in wanting to lash out. That might make you feel a tiny bit better but it won't help you get this girl and in the end you will still feel hurt, sad and disappointed. That's what happens when you get dumped. Sorry if she has ghosted you. Feel better.

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Romantic_Antics
Until you are dating exclusively you don't owe anything to each other.

 

I'm going to disagree with this. I believe you still owe one another some basic courtesies and decencies whether you've been on one date or one hundred. This includes not ghosting somebody. If one person isn't feeling it while the other is, they should be decent and let the other person know instead of being a selfish coward without basic human decency or regard for another human being and their feelings.

Edited by Romantic_Antics
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Versacehottie

Let's see though are we talking about what "should" be or how to react to what IS? What IS that for whatever reason she is not replying to OP in a time he finds sufficient. He can ask himself if he is being reasonable about this timeframe, he can try to gather info from her as to why and/or express his expectations to her, he can do something (his choices lean toward retaliation) or he can do nothing.

 

I think it is just as proactive and more productive to direct his efforts elsewhere--the right kind of "do something". Why would he want to be with some girl with this type of character anyway if she is so wrong? And how he deals with it is a reflection of his character. I don't think the a & b options he had are a reasonable reaction or one that is in line with a normal reaction. Sometimes in life things don't happen from other people as they SHOULD, but you do have a choice in how you react to them.

 

*ps not exclusive so while it would be nice and show good character if she said something to him, she def doesn't 'owe' him anything. Life unfolds and people show you who they are; that goes for both ends. We are only hearing one side of the story, from one perspective; (guaranteed it has been a series of events from both people that would make this something she doesn't see as good to continue). Sometimes people are a**holes and don't live up to our expectations.

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