Jump to content

What is she thinking 😥


NedFlanders

Recommended Posts

NedFlanders

Please be thinking the same as I am.........

Me and my friend starting dating off and on for about the last three months. Everything has been going real good up until last week. A few weeks before last week she invited me to her house to meet her friends and to meet her three kids. Here I am totally out of my comfort zone, but guess what we all had a great time!!! Me and her sit outside until the next morning talking about what we both wanted if we were to pursue a serious relationship. We both agreed everything so far was great. I would simply tell her how pretty and beautiful she was, and she to my surprise said it had been a very very long time since anyone has told her that and made her feel the way I made her feel.

 

 

Well the last week or so she has been dealing with a lot. Her two oldest sons have been arguing with each other terribly, than she had a close family member, her cousin died, stressed out at work she is a teacher and it is the end of the school year, plus her physical aches and pains from a accident five years ago. She invites me to her house to watch a movie, so it is me, her, and her youngest son. I could tell she was not feeling well so I left early. I get a text when I get home and she tells me she is sorry for not being fun to hang around with recently. My exact words were as do not worry about me as long as I am with you that is all I need, and I know you are going through a tough time right now. Than my heart explodes.....She tells me she needs some time to think, and that she is not sure if she is ready for a serious relationship, and she is not sure what she wants, she just needs some time to think and that we should just be friends right now.

I just say okay, but I do tell her I am hurt over it but if she needs time to think and just be friends for now than so be it. I will wait.

 

So what is she thinking? Everyday I check my phone constantly to see if she has texted, because everyday we would tell each other good morning and throughout the day text and now that is all gone. Her last relationship I think ended in December after three years. She walked in on her boyfriend having sex with another woman in there bed. I have fallen hard and fast for this woman and if she needs time to think, I am willing to wait. But in that waiting time your mind starts thinking of all kinds of stuff..she really doesnt want to be with me, she never really felt anything, I am ugly lol, etc.

 

I have not talked to her in a week now and it is miserable. Should I contact her, give her more time alone, what should I do. I am afraid if I contact her she will not reply or I will seem to clingy. Also, I have thought about reaching out to her best friend and ask her advice on what I should do. Should I do that?

Link to post
Share on other sites

She asked for space, so it's up to her to contact you. I'm afraid you confessing how much she meant to you kicked this whole thing off. You know, maybe she thought she wanted to go down this road but got cold feet. Now that you've said you care and she's said that felt good, she probably feels more obligated than she wishes she did and it's made her anxious.

 

 

All I know is I've never had that anxious dread about any man I was nuts about. Only about ones I was lukewarm about and was afraid of hurting because they cared more than I did. She may also have some ex involvement. I'm sorry I can't be more positive.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon
I get a text when I get home and she tells me she is sorry for not being fun to hang around with recently. My exact words were as do not worry about me as long as I am with you that is all I need, and I know you are going through a tough time right now. Than my heart explodes.....She tells me she needs some time to think, and that she is not sure if she is ready for a serious relationship, and she is not sure what she wants, she just needs some time to think and that we should just be friends right now.

 

So what is she thinking? She's thinking what she told you above! It's over ... she doesn't want to date you ...

 

Here's a translation you're missing:

 

Not wanting to date now ... equals ... not wanting to date YOU now.

 

We've all had this happen to us ... so no shame ... And yes, I got the translation wrong when women would tell me this ... I thought well maybe in three months, she'll want to date me. No, that never happened.

 

By the way, this ending ... isn't a surprise to me ... Your first line says you guys were dating "off and on for about the last three months" ... That's a problem. the energy is usually strong at the start and if you guys were off and on ... hot and cold ... that usually indicates a problem.

 

When it comes to dating, it's always best to remember ... for a relationship to work, the other person has to SCREAMINGLY want to be with you ... even then the relationship will have ups and downs.

 

Now here's the good news ... You guys tried out a relationship ... you just couldn't make it work ... You admit you didn't quite know how to handle her as mother with children.

 

She may later agree to meet you at a coffee shop for 45 minutes, but she will be at an emotional distance.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NedFlanders

I just don't understand how she was the one who told me she wanted to start dating seriously, she is the one who iniated the sex even when I told her we should wait. She was the one would continually started texting me all the time. She is the one who wanted me to meet her kids.

 

Than she tells me it is hard for her to let her guard down with everything she has been through. Once I let my guard down this happens.

 

My hope was she did let her guard down and she felt something and now is scared. Me, her, and her best friend confronted both of us and asked did I want to try a relationship with her I said yes, and than she asked her the same question and her response was the same... Yes I want to pursue a relationship. I mean when she is sending me texts about how she wishes I was holding her and kissing her so she could fall asleep in my arms, well I am sorry if I over guessed everything but how could I not!!!! She is the one who would hold hands with me when we went out, or randomly text me how much she misses me. I dont see how a woman can tell you these things and not mean it.

I am so sick and tired of the guessing game all the time. We both agreed to tell the other if we did not have feelings for the other if we ever did. Telling me she doesnt want to let her guard down, or she is not sure if she is ready for a serious relationship I am sorry is not the same as saying..... I am sorry I don't see us ever being together. BTW, she is even the one who was waiting for me at my house the day after I worked so she could just lay in bed with me.

Edited by NedFlanders
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon

Come on now ... do some imagining.

 

How many times have you predicted you could accomplish more by a deadline than you actually did?

 

She might have felt confident about juggling mothering and teaching and her kids and you ... and then things came up and she felt overwhelmed, emotionally shut down ... and then lost her confidence in fitting you into an already super-filled life.

 

I get the sense that you were working hard to be "extra nice" ... That moment when you went to her place and you were watching tv with her and her son. You could tell she wasn't feeling well so you left.

 

What did you leave? ... If she wasn't feeling well was it possible to rub her shoulders or giv her some tenderness ... or did you ask her what was going on? ... Do you mean physically not feeling well? ...

 

The text she sent you after you got home ... in which she apologizes for not being fun to hang out recently ... That was a powerful moment.

 

I'm not blaming you ... But when someone apologies for what, basically ignoring you when you visited her place? ... the reply should not be an automatic "It's ok honey. As long as I'm with you."

 

The response would do better to be: ... what's going on ... what's making you tired? ... and some honesty ... that felt uncomfortable being at your place tonight.

 

You're skipping over the chance to slow down and get oriented and find out what's really going on. Do you know what illness she had? ... or was she just exhausted? ...

Link to post
Share on other sites
mortensorchid

I don't know why she thinks this, but the fact of the matter is that she is telling you that she needs time or space or wants to take a step back means that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. You have to move on because she's not interested in you. Someone told me that a few years ago he wanted to take a step back after we were together for about 2 months. He had trouble getting over an ex. About 2 years later he married another woman. Well, we took a step back to be sure.

 

Sounds like that's what she's saying. Not that she is with someone else and would rather be with him, but she doesn't want to be with you. Sorry.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

No, do not reach out to her best friend. That is over-stepping a boundary and is just not appropriate.

 

If she ended a relationship in December after having been cheated on, she is more than likely not ready to date at all and was rebounding with you. A lot of her behaviour suggests this was a rebound, in my opinion. It doesn't mean you aren't great and that she didn't like you, but she tried to make a relationship happen before she had healed from the previous one. That almost never works out well. And who knows, perhaps her ex has been sniffing around and she is thinking of giving it another shot.

 

In any case, don't contact her. She knows where you are if she wants to talk. It hurts, but you deserve a woman who wants you as much as you want her.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I just don't understand how she was the one who told me she wanted to start dating seriously, she is the one who iniated the sex even when I told her we should wait. She was the one would continually started texting me all the time. She is the one who wanted me to meet her kids.

 

Than she tells me it is hard for her to let her guard down with everything she has been through. Once I let my guard down this happens.

 

My hope was she did let her guard down and she felt something and now is scared. Me, her, and her best friend confronted both of us and asked did I want to try a relationship with her I said yes, and than she asked her the same question and her response was the same... Yes I want to pursue a relationship. I mean when she is sending me texts about how she wishes I was holding her and kissing her so she could fall asleep in my arms, well I am sorry if I over guessed everything but how could I not!!!! She is the one who would hold hands with me when we went out, or randomly text me how much she misses me. I dont see how a woman can tell you these things and not mean it.

I am so sick and tired of the guessing game all the time. We both agreed to tell the other if we did not have feelings for the other if we ever did. Telling me she doesnt want to let her guard down, or she is not sure if she is ready for a serious relationship I am sorry is not the same as saying..... I am sorry I don't see us ever being together. BTW, she is even the one who was waiting for me at my house the day after I worked so she could just lay in bed with me.

 

Sounds like to me she's changed her mind about you. Something going on with her kids and her about you. Still I wouldn't push this with her and you should back-off. This is what happens when kids are involved. You really don't have a leg to stand on here with her and her kids. Just have to let her go, can't come between her and her kids. The kids will win and you will loose!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NedFlanders

That's just it her kids love me. Especially the ten year old. We all get along. I think I deserve a reason. I mean she says she needs time and if that is all she needs so be it I can wait.

Like I said she was in a three year relationship that ended six months ago so maybe she is scared or not over being cheated on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NedFlanders

That is what pisses me off so bad. If she did not want a relationship than don't chase me. Don't open up to me, because all that has done is make myself open up to her and fall for her so much.

I'm done man I am really done. I already suffer from sever depression and when "hope" comes along I get **** on and end up proving to myself there is no hope. If there is a God I wish he would let me die. Now you guys are going say you want to die because of a girl you are crazy. No!!!!!!!! It is the accumulation of everything. This is just it!!!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

OP, take a few deep breaths.

 

You are going to need to learn some effective coping strategies here. Do you have a friend or family member you can reach out to? If you're suffering from depression on top of this, are you being treated?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I just don't understand how she was the one who told me she wanted to start dating seriously, she is the one who iniated the sex even when I told her we should wait. She was the one would continually started texting me all the time. She is the one who wanted me to meet her kids.

 

Than she tells me it is hard for her to let her guard down with everything she has been through. Once I let my guard down this happens.

 

My hope was she did let her guard down and she felt something and now is scared. Me, her, and her best friend confronted both of us and asked did I want to try a relationship with her I said yes, and than she asked her the same question and her response was the same... Yes I want to pursue a relationship. I mean when she is sending me texts about how she wishes I was holding her and kissing her so she could fall asleep in my arms, well I am sorry if I over guessed everything but how could I not!!!! She is the one who would hold hands with me when we went out, or randomly text me how much she misses me. I dont see how a woman can tell you these things and not mean it.

I am so sick and tired of the guessing game all the time. We both agreed to tell the other if we did not have feelings for the other if we ever did. Telling me she doesnt want to let her guard down, or she is not sure if she is ready for a serious relationship I am sorry is not the same as saying..... I am sorry I don't see us ever being together. BTW, she is even the one who was waiting for me at my house the day after I worked so she could just lay in bed with me.

 

The fact she has kids figures into this as well. It makes it a bigger decision. Also, her kids might have reacted badly to the introduction privately with her and started asking her, Don't you love Daddy anymore? They will certainly do that. Give it a little time and space. The friend may be wishing she'd move on and that's why she's negotiating both of you. But she could be stuck on the ex or just cold feet once she got close to commitment or the kids being against it. You know, lots of moms will let their kids call the shots. It's not right, but they will.

 

And here's another common scenario. The ex doesn't care until they find out you have a new man, and then they go ballistic or start pulling your heartstrings. They don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you. So it's entirely possible she introduced you to the kids, the kids ratted her out and told the ex, and the ex is now having a corollary OR threatening to go for sole custody because she's bringing strange men into the house with the kids. This is something that plays out over and over in divorce/custody cases. You can pretty much count on a big eruption as soon as the woman is known to be dating someone else and/or introduced the kids to another man. They will threaten to go for sole custody only because they want to control the woman, and very often this will cause the woman to stop dating rather than risk losing her kids or another big legal battle. Give it a little time. Maybe she'll volunteer some more info.

Edited by preraph
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If she asked for space, I'd give her the universe.

 

She never was ready to get involved with someone new--she's got too much from her last break up and her home life that she needs to resolve before she is good with anyone.

 

I get it that you like her, but she doesn't like you enough to let you into her space, so make yourself really scarce and start dating other women. The day may never come where she is ready to start anything new---with you. She may still be hung up on her ex and is wishing he'd come back around.

 

Also, I think it was a bad move on her part to bring a new man around her sons 6 months after she broke up with the man who probably played a huge part in their lives and they most likely read her for filth for seeing you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I just don't understand how she was the one who told me she wanted to start dating seriously, she is the one who iniated the sex even when I told her we should wait. She was the one would continually started texting me all the time. She is the one who wanted me to meet her kids.

 

One more: rebound

 

Wait, two more words: revenge sex.

 

She was getting under you to get over her ex. That's all this was.

 

Than she tells me it is hard for her to let her guard down with everything she has been through. Once I let my guard down this happens.

 

Of course she is going to say this--she was trying to get under you to get over her ex.

 

My hope was she did let her guard down and she felt something and now is scared. Me, her, and her best friend confronted both of us and asked did I want to try a relationship with her I said yes, and than she asked her the same question and her response was the same... Yes I want to pursue a relationship. I mean when she is sending me texts about how she wishes I was holding her and kissing her so she could fall asleep in my arms, well I am sorry if I over guessed everything but how could I not!!!! She is the one who would hold hands with me when we went out, or randomly text me how much she misses me. I dont see how a woman can tell you these things and not mean it.

 

And all of that was great until you stopped staying in your lane, emotionally.

 

The minute you made it clear that you wanted more from her, she knew the jig was up and that she's have to poop or get off the pot with you and she's not ready to do that. She was grooming you for her bullpen, that's it.

 

I am so sick and tired of the guessing game all the time. We both agreed to tell the other if we did not have feelings for the other if we ever did. Telling me she doesnt want to let her guard down, or she is not sure if she is ready for a serious relationship I am sorry is not the same as saying..... I am sorry I don't see us ever being together. BTW, she is even the one who was waiting for me at my house the day after I worked so she could just lay in bed with me.

 

She didn't tell you how she felt because she's been machining an outcome that didn't include the changes you made. She sounds really manipulative to me. I'll bet you dollars to donuts if you take this to her, she'll tell you she's confused---and ANYTIME someone tells you they are confused, it means there is someone else who she's trying to move into the priority spot, but they're not totally onboard with it yet, so she keeps grooming you, having you hang on, etc., in the eventuality that that falls through, there you are to fall back on.

 

Just wait--she's going to say "I'm confused". She's not. She's manipulative. Big Difference.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Aww I am so sorry, I can feel how frustrated and disappointed you are.

 

What she did is typical of people that are freshly out of relationships. She liked her time spent with you, it made her feel good, beautiful and important. She thought that's what she needed to get over the ex and what happened. Then when she decided to make it more serious with you, introduced the kids etc that's when it hit her that she is NOT ready to date seriously and she is not done dealing with her issues.

 

The night you were there and she didn't feel good was more about her making that realization than about physical pain.

 

I am sorry but like the others said this is not a break but a break up. Do not stick around in the hope she'll come back and don't become her *friend*. It doesn't work that way. You better move on.

 

 

.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NedFlanders
OP, take a few deep breaths.

 

You are going to need to learn some effective coping strategies here. Do you have a friend or family member you can reach out to? If you're suffering from depression on top of this, are you being treated?

 

 

Yes I am being Treated but guess what if I had a gun I would not be here now. I got treated exactly like I am worthless and ugly.

The kids are no factor, they did not belong to her last boyfriend. We have had contact just brief contact through texting and at church

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
Yes I am being Treated but guess what if I had a gun I would not be here now. I got treated exactly like I am worthless and ugly.

The kids are no factor, they did not belong to her last boyfriend. We have had contact just brief contact through texting and at church

 

And why are you letting this woman decide your worth?

 

I mean that sincerely.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes I am being Treated but guess what if I had a gun I would not be here now. I got treated exactly like I am worthless and ugly.

The kids are no factor, they did not belong to her last boyfriend. We have had contact just brief contact through texting and at church

 

Please get help asap! Are you sure you have the emotional maturity to get into a relationship with a woman with 3 children?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Now that you've told us you've been suicidal, I'm wondering if your mental stability or lack thereof is what scared her off.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes I am being Treated but guess what if I had a gun I would not be here now. I got treated exactly like I am worthless and ugly.

The kids are no factor, they did not belong to her last boyfriend. We have had contact just brief contact through texting and at church

 

In this situation you won't be able to change her mind. She's going through the men with her kids in tow. You just got the tail end of her stick. Well done you got a lot with her kids but what really counts can you get along with her silly ways. You can't you need to drop her and move on.. Her life is so complicated already..

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol

Do not WAIT for her!!!! She is rejecting you and keeping you on the side if nothing else works out. Speaking from this type of experience, your best bet is to go NC w/her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NedFlanders

Well we were all wrong. I find out from her best friend that she has been cheating on me for the last month while at the same time she is is telling me how much she wants to be with me. Like her best friend said, she is nothing but a whore who ****s everybody.

Nice guy loses again!!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well we were all wrong. I find out from her best friend that she has been cheating on me for the last month while at the same time she is is telling me how much she wants to be with me. Like her best friend said, she is nothing but a whore who ****s everybody.

Nice guy loses again!!!!!

 

No. Nice guy dodged a bullet and relieves himself of someone who meant him no good to begin with and would have made his life a living hell had he kept insisting upon being with her.

 

Go back and re-read post #16

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...