Should I just keep it this way and not stir the pot anymore,or keep my eyes open?

[delilaho2]

Hi everybody, I'm trying To keep it short, so my bf was showing me some pictures of him from a while back, and when he was going through different albums I happen to see an album cover which had the picture of his ex wife (I know it was her cause I ha seen this picture before when I saw her Facebook profile), besides this picture they also send text messages to each other/communicate on a kind of regular basis (I really don’t know who starts the message or conversation) and sometimes he even sees her in person when she needs a favor from him, should I feel worried and concerned?, he is a great person with me, treats me very nice, but I want him to forget about her an move on. I get they where married for 10 years but they don’t have even have kids together so I don’t get all the back an forth communication between them. She is 58 and he is 46, I am 30.

 

 

 

 

Plus the WORST is that 2 weeks ago we were together, and when we were going back home, he was checking his messages and he then tells me:'' it was my ex wife she texted me that her car broke down'' she is with a friend. and then when we get home he tells me let me call her, so he goes outside, why in the world would he not call her in front of me? you see this is what makes my head spin around, , the other thing that I don't get why the hell does she have to call him to tell him that? and the worst part is that he sometimes goes an caters to her needs (Obviously he did not that day ,he was with Me), I feel he is a fool for being a way to nice after a divorce people usually don't get this along after a DIVORCE! Honestly I really don't know what to do, if just get it over with and have a conversation with him an tell him to forget his past and move on, I just cant keep swallowing my thoughts over an over. this has to stop or I am out. Why in the freaking world is he with me if let's say he still has feelings for her? does not make sense at all.

 

 

 

 

I talked to him about it and he understood how I felt and said I was right ( I told him that he cannot live in the past and that he needs to move on in order to make this new relationship with me WORK!), he seemed very sincere and told me he was really'' into me and he felt very good being with me'' and that if I did not like him going back to his hometown(where his ex wife lives) that he was not going to do it anymore. He said this because one weekend he went back to his hometown were his ex wife/Friends lives and guess what he stayed to sleep? in his ex wife's house, and he had even told me that if it was alright/Ok with me, and I screwed up and told him: ''Go ahead I trust you''!BIG MISTAKE from my behalf since I hated the idea of him staying over at his ex wife's home, Plus let's be real ANYONE would get MAD about this!! this is very wrong from his behalf to have done this, It's not normal to me, especially if you have a new girlfriend.

 

 

 

 

Does all of this seem sketchy to you? I just wonder if he still going to keep communicating with her even after we had a talk about how I felt about him being stuck in the past and talking/messaging his ex. this woman seems to call him for anything: ''oh my foot got stuck'', ring, ring, ring ''Mobile call'' : Oh hi my foot got stuck'' would you mind coming to help me. LOL I don't understand why she calls or message him so much. Or who is the one initiating communication so much?

[Midnightfvkgirl]

If there's no kids, and they are divorced, then there's no reason to really stay in touch, unless they remain friends I guess. You need to set some boundaries, dont say you're ok with it all if you're not. Don't let him walk all over you.

[frigginlost]

I can understand your concern, and you probably do need to set a few boundaries with him.

 

But, to be honest I'm not sure there is something major to be worried about right now. He is being open about everything regarding her with you. That says a lot. He has taken nothing underground with her.

 

Just tell him that certain interactions of him and his ex are making you uncomfortable. If he has you as number one in his life, he wont have a problem with adjusting his interactions with her for you.

[smackie9]

I guess the older I get the more tolerable I get. It's obvious they are still good friends and they have a certain dynamic, but it's not concerning. If they wanted to rehash their relationship you would have been sent on you way a long time ago. Some of it, like him staying at her house is inappropriate, but nothing to worry about. The phone call, I have this belief that everyone one deserves privacy, even when talking to their ex, especially knowing their relationship.

 

 

 

The only thing you can do is communicate with him some of the things that bother you and come to a compromise. And keep the "Do you even care about me?" crap out of these talks when they come up...it screams insecurity. Just talk about the subject at hand.

[Gaeta]

How long they've been divorced?

[hippychick3]

I would be bothered by him leaving the room to talk to her. That seems very secretive.

 

How often do they communicate? If it's daily, he is giving way too much energy and time to another woman especially one that he was intimate with for 10 years. He is essentially having a relationship with 2 women right now.

 

I would personally not be okay with this situation.

[delilaho2]

How long they've been divorced?

 

 

They divorced in 2012, around 6 years ago, I think the problem why he has not let go of his past and still has this little thing, is because he still talks to her an they communicate, otherwise 6 years is already enough to let go an move on.

[Gaeta]

They divorced in 2012, around 6 years ago, I think the problem why he has not let go of his past and still has this little thing, is because he still talks to her an they communicate, otherwise 6 years is already enough to let go an move on.

 

I have a male friend who broke up with his gf of 5 years. He felt a lot of guilt for hurting her so when she expressed the desire to remain friends he accepted.

 

I told him he shouldn't do that, it will keep her from moving on and their friendship will be an extra weight he'll have to carry into his next relationship.

 

It may have some similarities with your boyfriend and that ex. I'd think 1 of the 2 felt a lot of guilt for their separation and here they are 6 years later. If I'd have to take a bet I'd say your boyfriend is the one feeling guilty and she's the one that requested a friendship?

 

When we're all grown up sometimes it means having to make grown ups decisions. I let go of a 4 year friend when I met my current boyfriend. That friend and I had been lovers years ago and I didn't feel it was appropriate for me to keep him as a friend while in a relationship. That was my grown up decision.

 

 

.

[RideTheLightening]

should I feel worried and concerned?, he is a great person with me, treats me very nice, but I want him to forget about her an move on. I get they where married for 10 years but they don’t have even have kids together so I don’t get all the back an forth communication between them. She is 58 and he is 46, I am 30.

 

Yeah... I don't think you have to worry about a grandma taking your BF away.

 

I know their friendship is irritating. Do you know why they divorced?

[delilaho2]

I have a male friend who broke up with his gf of 5 years. He felt a lot of guilt for hurting her so when she expressed the desire to remain friends he accepted.

 

I told him he shouldn't do that, it will keep her from moving on and their friendship will be an extra weight he'll have to carry into his next relationship.

 

It may have some similarities with your boyfriend and that ex. I'd think 1 of the 2 felt a lot of guilt for their separation and here they are 6 years later. If I'd have to take a bet I'd say your boyfriend is the one feeling guilty and she's the one that requested a friendship?

 

When we're all grown up sometimes it means having to make grown ups decisions. I let go of a 4 year friend when I met my current boyfriend. That friend and I had been lovers years ago and I didn't feel it was appropriate for me to keep him as a friend while in a relationship. That was my grown up decision.

 

 

.

 

 

I would not be so sure who feels guilty, but what he told me about why they divorce, which I do believe he has not told me all the reasons, but he said to me that she was the one who opted for the divorce, BECAUSE, when their relationship was shaky and they had separated (they lived in the same home, slept in different beds.) he was feeling vulnerable and all sorts of feelings, so there was this young girl at the time he was like 39-40 and this girl was 24 and his friends told him: ''oh this girl likes you a lot'' why don't you get to know her!, so he did, they had sex and so on, so the ex wife found out even though they were separated, she got crazy and jealous about it, an that's when she opted for the divorce, he also told me that they try to work it out, and THIS IS THE CRAZY PART I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND IS: she had told him before all this drama that if he wanted sex he could go and find another woman that she gave him permission. either this woman is crazy or something was very wrong in this marriage.

 

 

I don't want anyone to think he is bad, with me he has been an excellent man, he has treated me very nice, he has been very giving etc, but sometimes I get worried about the age GAP, and this ex wife-communication drama, plus he always liked older women, and this makes me feel weird, like WHO AM I IN THIS PICTURE? all of a sudden he likes younger woman or both, it's just weird to me.

[delilaho2]

Yeah... I don't think you have to worry about a grandma taking your BF away.

 

I know their friendship is irritating. Do you know why they divorced?

 

 

 

 

 

 

What he told me about in regards to why they divorce, which I do believe he has not told me all the reasons:mad:, but he said to me that she was the one who opted for the divorce, BECAUSE, when their relationship was shaky and they had separated (they lived in the same home, slept in different beds.) he was feeling vulnerable and all sorts of feelings, so there was this young girl at the time he was like 39-40 and this girl was 24 and his friends told him: ''oh this girl likes you a lot'' why don't you get to know her!, so he did, they had sex and so on, so the ex wife found out even though they were separated, she got crazy and jealous about it, an that's when she opted for the divorce, he also told me that they try to work it out, and THIS IS THE CRAZY PART I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND IS: she had told him before all this drama that if he wanted sex he could go and find another woman that she gave him permission. either this woman is crazy or something was very wrong in this marriage.

 

 

I don't want anyone to think he is bad, with me he has been an excellent man, he has treated me very nice, he has been very giving etc, but sometimes I get worried about the age GAP, and this ex wife-communication drama, plus he always liked older women, and this makes me feel weird, like WHO AM I IN THIS PICTURE? all of a sudden he likes younger woman or both, it's just weird to me.

[JuneL]

Okay, so this guy is a cheater. Since he and his ex-wife are in constant contact, I wonder why you’re not her friend as well. Then you can verify whether the BS he tried to feed you was true (about allowing him to be intimate with other women while they’re still married).

[Gaeta]

I would not be so sure who feels guilty, but what he told me about why they divorce, which I do believe he has not told me all the reasons, but he said to me that she was the one who opted for the divorce, BECAUSE, when their relationship was shaky and they had separated (they lived in the same home, slept in different beds.) he was feeling vulnerable and all sorts of feelings, so there was this young girl at the time he was like 39-40 and this girl was 24 and his friends told him: ''oh this girl likes you a lot'' why don't you get to know her!, so he did, they had sex and so on, so the ex wife found out even though they were separated, she got crazy and jealous about it, an that's when she opted for the divorce, he also told me that they try to work it out, and THIS IS THE CRAZY PART I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND IS: she had told him before all this drama that if he wanted sex he could go and find another woman that she gave him permission. either this woman is crazy or something was very wrong in this marriage.

 

 

I don't want anyone to think he is bad, with me he has been an excellent man, he has treated me very nice, he has been very giving etc, but sometimes I get worried about the age GAP, and this ex wife-communication drama, plus he always liked older women, and this makes me feel weird, like WHO AM I IN THIS PICTURE? all of a sudden he likes younger woman or both, it's just weird to me.

 

 

And you're sure he doesn't feel ANY guilt for cheating on her?

 

 

 

Who wants this friendship the most? her or him?

[Gaeta]

How long you and him have been dating?

 

 

What has been his dating history since his divorce? any long term girlfriend since?

[kendahke]

They divorced in 2012, around 6 years ago, I think the problem why he has not let go of his past and still has this little thing, is because he still talks to her an they communicate, otherwise 6 years is already enough to let go an move on.

 

If he hasn't set her adrift in 6 years, then he's not setting her adrift and you will be the one sailing into the sunset alone if you keep making a stink about it, not her.

 

Make sure this is, in fact, the hill you're comfortable with dying on.

 

They clearly have no animosity between them and not all break ups are acrimonious and drama-filled. Perhaps that's the one of the reasons why he gravitated towards a mature woman.

 

If it bothers you that much, leave. This guy isn't the guy for you.

[O'Malley]

He said this because one weekend he went back to his hometown were his ex wife/Friends lives and guess what he stayed to sleep? in his ex wife's house, and he had even told me that if it was alright/Ok with me, and I screwed up and told him: ''Go ahead I trust you''!BIG MISTAKE from my behalf since I hated the idea of him staying over at his ex wife's home, Plus let's be real ANYONE would get MAD about this!! this is very wrong from his behalf to have done this, It's not normal to me, especially if you have a new girlfriend.

 

I think that he's blowing smoke your way. It sounds like there are residual feelings on both sides.

 

Not all insecurity is bad; sometimes it comes from a healthy and sensible place. You should have been upfront that you weren't comfortable with him staying at her home.

 

Former spouses who are friendly acquaintances, and occasionally chat online or in public about general things and there's no secrecy about it? That's fine. However, there's no way I'd be cool with an SO keeping his ex as a confidante or staying at her home, unless there were extenuating circumstances. He easily could have booked a hotel or stayed with a friend. Your respective ages are irrelevant. Last time I checked, many people in their fifties are still youthful and have desires and flings, you can't underestimate how powerful of an emotion nostalgia or validation can be. People in relationships should understand and maintain healthy boundaries with exes.

[delilaho2]

I am not feeling insecure, cause like I said he has been wonderful with me til today, it's more about being empathic, and getting caught up in his past for some reason, I don't know if you guys understand, its like why did this happen and I ended up with a man with so much baggage yet he is such a good man you get me? a rush of feelings in my head. Maybe I take things to personally and at heart.

[smackie9]

This all happened over 6 years ago drama and all, and it seems that they both have moved forward from it....so why dig up the past? Plus you are only hearing his side. People embellish to be the victim to gain sympathy. It may not have been her crazy at all. An angry person sure...wouldn't you be?

 

 

 

You need FACTS. Go find your FACTS instead of forming a lynch mob of speculation.

 

 

 

You can't change the past, you can't make him completely cut her out of his life...so what do you do? Walk away and don't get involved with someone with this type of baggage.

[kendahke]

she had told him before all this drama that if he wanted sex he could go and find another woman that she gave him permission. either this woman is crazy or something was very wrong in this marriage.

 

Or she knew she had a cheater for a husband and set a trap for him to freely walk into.

 

She's not crazy. She's just in your way and he refuses to move her out of it despite you being in his life.... which means: you're not that much of a priority to him compared to her.

 

It is what it is. I'd leave them both alone and find someone who isn't still emotionally bound to his ex wife.

[Gaeta]

I am not feeling insecure, cause like I said he has been wonderful with me til today, it's more about being empathic, and getting caught up in his past for some reason, I don't know if you guys understand, its like why did this happen and I ended up with a man with so much baggage yet he is such a good man you get me? a rush of feelings in my head. Maybe I take things to personally and at heart.

 

 

Of course he has baggage he's 46 years old! It's normal and it's wanted. I would not want to date a 46 years old without baggage. In that baggage though he should find some *good old common sense* + *wisdom* that both would tell him this friendship with his ex will only poison any current relationship.

[delilaho2]

And you're sure he doesn't feel ANY guilt for cheating on her?

 

 

 

Who wants this friendship the most? her or him?

 

 

Maybe both who knows!, Oh I forgot to mention, this woman is all alone, her father and mother who was schizophrenic died, so she is basically all alone, this is what he told me, so he feels like worried or bad for her being so lonely.this is why is she calls him up to fix something or whatever, he would go. (which I already told him that I don't like this at all) she is to clingy and calling to much for anything.

 

 

 

I don't think he feels guilty, cause they were already separated, maybe he does due to the fact that he DID NOT WANT THE DIVORCE!, he wanted to keep trying to make the relationship work, but then he told her, listen I just don't feel the same way about you anymore, I suppose this woman (ex wife) was to dramatic so it pulled the trigger, plus he also told she me she was somehow neurasthenic.

 

 

 

Her mother was bipolar an she was very ill, so at that time she brought her mother to live with them, and she dedicated her soul an heart to taking care of her mother, maybe this had to do with both of them Distancing themselves from each other, so he told me they both have like a mutual feeling of PITY for each other for the way their marriage ended, and how their work consumed their time, an well so they distanced themselves.

 

 

So I don't know what goes through their hearts, minds! I wish I knew exactly, what do you think?

[Kamille]

You keep saying he hasn't moved on and that you want to help in move on. What do you mean? Nothing you say makes it sound like he's still romantically interested in her. In that sense, he has moved on. No?

[kendahke]

he DID NOT WANT THE DIVORCE!, what do you think?

 

I think that he's not emotionally done with her and if 6 years didn't damped that, nothing is going to, not even you.

 

She got over it and he saw his way to stay connected and this is how they are going to roll for the foreseeable future. It looks more and more like you are the "other woman", not her. They're still in a relationship.

[RideTheLightening]

I don't want anyone to think he is bad, with me he has been an excellent man, he has treated me very nice, he has been very giving etc, but sometimes I get worried about the age GAP, and this ex wife-communication drama, plus he always liked older women, and this makes me feel weird, like WHO AM I IN THIS PICTURE? all of a sudden he likes younger woman or both, it's just weird to me.

 

Oh... he cheated on granny... that explains why he feels the need to make it up to her. I've known plenty of men that liked "older women" which means something different when a guys is 25 vs 45. Does that make sense?

 

Also... the guys who like older women when they are younger tend to have mommy issues. These issues become less prominent as a guy ages.

 

I'm going to be straight with you. I think he should cut ties with his xWife. He needs to let the old bag get on with her life. That means letting go of any guilt he may be carrying for the demise of this marriage. Regarding the age thing... He may be strongly attracted to women in their 40's. That means his attraction to you may increase over the years.

 

A worthy side note. Studies have shown that a man's age doesn't really affect what he finds attractive that much. Men who like 20 year old women will like them just as much at 21 as he does at 91. I don't know why but I personally always liked women in their 30's. When I was 18, this meant I sometimes chased older women. Today it means I chase women my own age.

[Gaeta]

How long have you been dating him?