Does this make me selfish?

[lm0905]

My boyfriend's family was super generous and nice enough to invite me on a family trip with them (1 week trip). There will be 8 of us going. So we are taking 2 cars to the airport, so that means space in the trunk for all the suitcases isn't great.

Knowing this, my boyfriend and I agreed that we will take our own carry-on bag but will share 1 checked luggage (which is the size of a carry-on bag). That's not the issue.

 

So since BF and I are sharing a checked bag, we both are putting our toiletries bags in it. The bag really isn't super spacious, and my carry-on bag isn't big, so space is pretty vital.

 

One of boyfriend's brothers' 'A' asked boyfriend if he could put his toiletries bag in our checked in bag and BF goes 'yeah of course'... Whatever, just one extra toiletry bag in our check luggage, shouldn't be too big of a deal.

 

Then BF's brother 'M' asked us today if he can put his toiletry bag in our checked bag.... (everybody gets 1 free checked bag, as an fyi)

 

So after 'M' asked us today, I texted/vented to what I thought was my sister about how I don't find it super fair that I have to sacrifice room in my checked bag so BF's 2 brothers can put their toiletry bags in their own bags and check them on their own, since we all get 1 free checked bag and blah blah blah.

 

I accidentally sent that all to my boyfriend, not my sister, and so I quickly realized and said 'Oh god I'm so sorry, I was venting, I shouldn't have said that'

 

And boyfriend goes 'Please don't be selfish. That's really not cool'.

 

Uhhh so now I'm confused.... Is it considered selfish of me to feel this way? To feel that I shouldn't have to give up room in my checked bag just so two more toiletry bags can go in (and we all know that toiletry bags aren't exactly space-savers'

 

We are leaving tomorrow and now BF isn't too happy with me.

 

Obviously I shouldn't have sent it to my boyfriend, albeit even on accident, but I don't think I am selfish in this situation, right?

[Lotsgoingon]

You're being no more selfish that bf's two brothers are being selfish to ask for space in yours and bf's bag

 

BF needs to get better language ... that "don't be selfish" might be the language his family uses to talk to each other ... and force each other to compromise. But that language is in appropriate for you in this case. Way too judgmental. Just place an asterisk by that.

 

I understand why you feel hurt ... I don't think the question is whether you are selfish ... the question is ... are you inconvenienced by handing over space ... and if that inconvenience bothered you, you have the right to say so. We have the right to be selfish ... What we don't want is to be needlessly selfish in a way that infringes on others.

 

I'll let you in on something. It was actually good that you accidentally sent that note to bf. Why? Because this is forcing you to be up front with your feelings. Sounds like you were gonna pretend that this stuff didn't bother you ... You don't want to get in that habit.

 

I am tougher in my older age ... so in response to bf's words, of "don't be selfish," I would have said something like, "don't you be stupid and dismissive of my concerns."

 

I just think it's best to push back when people step on your toes.

 

So bottom line: no, don't go apologizing ... the only thing you want to apologize for ... is to yourself ... for not speaking up ... If anything, he needs to apologize to you--but that's my thinking. But then again, you were secretly holding onto these feelings right?

 

What are you having to leave out of packing because of this?

[basil67]

What items do you have to leave behind if they pack their toiletries?

 

Who is paying for your flights and accommodation?

[Mrin]

So... the issue here isn't whether you're being selfish or not. I know that seems like the issue. The real issue is that you were venting to a GF and you accidentally sent it to your BF. To him, it appears catty and selfish. If you had an issue, he would want you to raise it with him and not bitch about it to your GF. Here's what I would say to him...

 

"Hey BF, I'm really sorry I didn't bring this to you directly and instead vented to my GF about it (and mistakenly sent it to you). That was rude of me and completely disempowered you to do anything about it. I appologize. Here's what I am feeling - we only have one checked bag and we're now allocating some of that space to your two bros. The practical implication means I have to leave X, Y and Z home to accommodate their stuff. And that kinda sucks. In the future, I'd like to do this as a couple and not just have you say yes. I know you're a dude so your packing consists of 5 things. But I'm a woman, I have a lot more stuff and I want to look pretty for you on our vacation. Space is important to me and I'd just like to be a part of the conversation as I feel like I am the one that is losing out. Can we do this together in the future?"

[Andy_K]

If you're getting a free holiday, yes you're being selfish.

 

If you're paying for your own share, being a bit put out about this is perfectly understandable.

[d0nnivain]

Since you get a free checked back & the bag you plan to check is the size of a carry on, I think you & BF can probably manage to find room in 1 of the two cars for one more bag. Maybe you put 5 people in 1 car & 3 people in the other car so you have more luggage room; there may be ways to fit luggage between the two people sitting in the back seats. Another option may be you & your BF use 1 toiletries bag. You don't need two tubes of toothpaste. You can take a bigger purse & carry your make up & toothbrush in that to save room. Learn to roll your clothes.

 

If you have the money, as a thank for you for including perhaps offer to treat the whole family to a car service to the AP. Luggage for 8 people should easily fit in a van.

 

Do as Mrin suggested & apologize.

[Arieswoman]

Im0905,

If there is such an issue about space why not travel light and buy toiletaries when you get there?

 

 

Mrin gives an example of a very succinct response - you need to apologise IMO.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

"Hey BF, I'm really sorry I didn't bring this to you directly and instead vented to my GF about it (and mistakenly sent it to you). That was rude of me and completely disempowered you to do anything about it. I appologize. Here's what I am feeling - we only have one checked bag and we're now allocating some of that space to your two bros. The practical implication means I have to leave X, Y and Z home to accommodate their stuff. And that kinda sucks. In the future, I'd like to do this as a couple and not just have you say yes. I know you're a dude so your packing consists of 5 things. But I'm a woman, I have a lot more stuff and I want to look pretty for you on our vacation. Space is important to me and I'd just like to be a part of the conversation as I feel like I am the one that is losing out. Can we do this together in the future?"

 

Mrin nails it ... Mrin: can I pay you to write words like this when I'm in a low-level conflict with someone?

 

OP, Mrin identifies the specific issues ... stuff you wouldn't be able to take ... as well as the bigger relationship-communication issue ... making the point that this decision that your bf could have (really should have) included you in on.

[Els]

Are the parents paying for your flights and accommodation? If the answer is "yes" (which I'm assuming to be the case, since you mentioned them being "generous"), then yeah, your rant is a bit unreasonable.

 

I'd just apologize and explain to the bf that I had intended that text for my sister, then pay for an extra checked bag so that everyone can put their toiletries in it. The cost of the extra bag (and even a van to the airport, if needed) would be FAR below the cost of an extra ticket and accommodation (which you would've been paying on your own if it had been all about "fairness"). In this case people are going out of their way for you, so you really do have to think about them as well, not just about yourself.

[guest569]

Why can’t his brothers carry their own toiletries??