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Boyfriend told me I should lose weight. How should I respond?


ItsAllConfusing

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ItsAllConfusing

Tonight

 

I was in my shorts which I wear because my bf likes them, I like them too. My legs are crossed, I'm hugging him and he says.

 

Look, you see this. He points at my thigh which is slightly cellulite ish. I'm not overweight but I've gained weight. (You need to lose weight 15 pounds,) I don't want my woman to be sick and fat. I want her to be skinny.

 

I just nod because I agree too that I need to lose weight.

 

He has this thing where he's trying to be healthy and lose weight. He comes from a different culture where they are more outspoken. He's all about putting healthy things in his body erc... He's worried about health and being in good health.

 

It sounded rude what he said but his tone wasn't rude. I feel that I can talk about his weight etc but I take him as he is.

 

Should I

 

1. Send him a text about this and how I feel.

2. Talk to him in person about this

3. Be passive aggressive and stop wearing things that reveal my legs/ stop eating around him

4. Ignore him and lose weight in my own time

 

He tells me that if he says or does anything hurtful to talk to him. Communication is important to him.

 

I think I will do number 1.

 

He sounds like a jerk but he takes care of me in all ways. I never been with a man like this before. I love being with him. People says he can come off rude but he's just having a hard time with the cultural differences. He says he needs help with this. He's really not a bad man.

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MountainGirl111
Tonight

 

, I don't want my woman to be sick and fat.

 

 

 

.

 

Ewwww. Those words right there would be a turn off to me. Maybe you don't want a boyfriend who says sick things to his "woman".

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MountainGirl111

How should you respond? If his saying that really bothers you I would talk to him about it. Communication. If he is really hung up on "fat" it's better to know these things before you continue to relationship. Maybe you need to evaluate whether or not you and he see eye to eye on this issue.

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bathtub-row

You need to talk to him about it in person.

 

I know a lot of people like to get on the soapbox about how people are shallow who don't like someone being overweight, but I tend to disagree with that. Being overweight is truly not great looking to a lot of people and if that's their preference, then it's their preference. It's also extremely unhealthy. You said you're not overweight, and I'm sure you're not, but I think he's using this opportunity to point out to you that he expects you to do what he wants you to do, or what he has decided is good for him is also good for you. That's the real problem here, not that he doesn't want you to be overweight and unhealthy. The latter may be part of his thought process but that's not all of it. It if was, he would've been far less dogmatic about it.

 

The thing he doesn't seem to get is that he doesn't get to tell you what you should and should not do, what you can or cannot eat. He's not your dad. I think your real problem is that you're with a guy who thinks he can talk to you in any way he wants and that you're his property. Just understand that what he does now will be multiplied by 10 if you marry him.

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RideTheLightening
Should I

1. Send him a text about this and how I feel.

2. Talk to him in person about this

3. Be passive aggressive and stop wearing things that reveal my legs/ stop eating around him

4. Ignore him and lose weight in my own time

I think I will do number 1.

 

Expecting things from a GF is not a bad thing. If you like the guy then you should choose #4. If he isn't worth it, then find a guy that likes heavier set women.

 

Regarding sending him a text... what do you plan to do? Try to make him feel bad for his honesty? Would you rather have him thinking you are fat and looking at other girls or would you rather know up front and do something about it?

 

Also... if he is say 20 or 30 pounds overweight himself... then you should have a chat with him regarding tact.

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People are always very quick to get bent out of shape when the weight issue comes up, but weight gain is one of those things which can easily go unchecked. Gain 5lbs over Christmas, another 5 on holiday, another pound or two here and there, and within a few years you're getting significantly overweight.

 

In your situation I'd suggest you ask yourself two questions:

1) Are you heavier than your ideal

2) Do you want to lose the extra weight.

 

If the answer to either question is 'No', then just tell him you're comfortable as you are and won't be losing weight. Not an issue unless he continues to mention it. If the answer to both is 'Yes', then jut go ahead and do it, via diet/exercise or whatever your preferred method.

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I think what your BF said to you goes beyond rude and disrespectful. Let's say you gained a few more pounds than you should have. There is a way to bring that subject up to a woman, and your BF did not do that. This is why you were upset, he insulted you. He basically told you that he is not with you for you, he is with you because of how you look(ed). This guy is not relationship material.

 

It's up to you if you want to tolerate this level of disrespect. If you put up with it, it just sets the tone for your relationship, so you can expect more disrespect in the future.

 

Yes!! I’m surprised by the comments until now. This boyfriend’s behaviour is disgusting. Personally I would break up with a man over this. I don’t care about excuses such as “it’s my culture”, “I am direct and say what I think”. Well that’s nice, see ya!

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I do think the way he worded it was rude.

 

But TBH I do tend to think the same way. I take care of my body and expect my partner to do the same.

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heavenonearth

I am shocked by the majority of these responses.

 

If my boyfriend would ever say something like this, i would definitely never ever call him again. He’d be a goner.

 

Are you sure this guy even loves you?

He sounds like a complete psychopath.

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Even skinny girls can get cellulite - it's genetically predisposed and appears at a certain age. I doesn't mean you're sick and unhealthy. I have some cellulite and it doesn't go away with dieting and cardio workouts. I would need to start doing weight training but I really hate it and figured a few bumps here and there are not harming me in any way. If some guy is deluded enough to think that women's butts and thighs look like a newborn's their whole life, I'll just send him on his way.

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MaleIntuition

Uhm, why is passive aggressive even an alternative? Talk to him!

 

But, before that, figure out what you want to say... Weight is always a touchy subject on these forums. Personally I consider it more of a lifestyle compatibility issue more so than anything else. If one is very into body and fitness and the other isn’t, it will probably create some resentment down the road.

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ItsAllConfusing
Expecting things from a GF is not a bad thing. If you like the guy then you should choose #4. If he isn't worth it, then find a guy that likes heavier set women.

 

Regarding sending him a text... what do you plan to do? Try to make him feel bad for his honesty? Would you rather have him thinking you are fat and looking at other girls or would you rather know up front and do something about it?

 

Also... if he is say 20 or 30 pounds overweight himself... then you should have a chat with him regarding tact.

 

I appreciate his honesty, it would be great if he had more tact but I know that's something he's working on.

 

He is big on communication and now that I think of it I think I'm the one who opened the floor to talk about my weight. Ive mentioned to him on multiple occasions how fat I was getting.

 

Last week I sent him a pic of my belly and butt and told him I was gaining weight.

 

So after all of this maybe it's hypocritical of me to feel upser.

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Him having a preference is one thing, but his wording was obnoxious. The only excuse I can come up with is that English is his second language.

 

And if there's one thing I dislike, it's being given unsolicited advice starting with "you need to.." or "you should...."

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I appreciate his honesty, it would be great if he had more tact but I know that's something he's working on.

 

He is big on communication and now that I think of it I think I'm the one who opened the floor to talk about my weight. Ive mentioned to him on multiple occasions how fat I was getting.

 

Last week I sent him a pic of my belly and butt and told him I was gaining weight.

 

So after all of this maybe it's hypocritical of me to feel upser.

 

Thanks for the update. Yes, if you open the door to the discussion, it does change matters.

 

Why did you send him a pic of your belly and butt telling him you were gaining weight? I'm sure you wouldn't body shame anyone else in this way, so think about if you are being kind to yourself when you do this.

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I don’t see what’s the deal - if you disagree with him, tell him, if you agree - lose the d*mn weight.

 

He’s not eloquent in his presentation lol but if we need to censor every word in relationships... I don’t see the point of having them...

 

But you can go passive-aggressive as you plan and turned it into a sh*t show :D

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heavenonearth
Even skinny girls can get cellulite - it's genetically predisposed and appears at a certain age. I doesn't mean you're sick and unhealthy. I have some cellulite and it doesn't go away with dieting and cardio workouts. I would need to start doing weight training but I really hate it and figured a few bumps here and there are not harming me in any way. If some guy is deluded enough to think that women's butts and thighs look like a newborn's their whole life, I'll just send him on his way.

 

I agree with this.

EVERY woman has cellulite.

heavier built women, thinner built women, average built women...

I am 120lbs and I have A LOT of cellulite and have had it since I was a young teenager. Some are also genetically more predestined to have cellulite.

 

IT IS NORMAL! IT's CALLED BEING A WOMAN!

 

Every woman this guy dates will probably have some flaw he can pick on.

He sounds like the typical guy who likes to gaslight his girlfriend into thinking she is not good enough for anyone else. A lot of men do this, they put down their girlfriends, so they become insecure and won't leave.

 

It's abusive behavior.

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heavenonearth
I appreciate his honesty, it would be great if he had more tact but I know that's something he's working on.

 

He is big on communication and now that I think of it I think I'm the one who opened the floor to talk about my weight. Ive mentioned to him on multiple occasions how fat I was getting.

 

Last week I sent him a pic of my belly and butt and told him I was gaining weight.

 

So after all of this maybe it's hypocritical of me to feel upser.

 

 

And here we go.

He's managed to achieve what he wanted.

 

Now he made YOU think it is YOUR fault that he uses such disgusting language towards you.

 

I am baffled by this.

 

No, it is NOT hypocritical of you to feel upset.

 

Any guy who talks like this to his girlfriend does not LOVE his girlfriend for who she truly is.

 

This guy is NOT in love with you.

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I agree with this.

EVERY woman has cellulite.

heavier built women, thinner built women, average built women...

I am 120lbs and I have A LOT of cellulite and have had it since I was a young teenager. Some are also genetically more predestined to have cellulite.

 

IT IS NORMAL! IT's CALLED BEING A WOMAN!

 

Every woman this guy dates will probably have some flaw he can pick on.

He sounds like the typical guy who likes to gaslight his girlfriend into thinking she is not good enough for anyone else. A lot of men do this, they put down their girlfriends, so they become insecure and won't leave.

 

It's abusive behavior.

 

Well pointing out something to your partner (presuming you trust each other) it’s hardly abusive.

 

I always tell my BF to tell me if he sees something concerning or unflattering- i *prefer* to hear it from someone I trust rather than to be in the mouth of strangers with less than good intentions...

 

If it was something that she can’t change - she could just explain it to him, no big deal.

 

But women are conditioned to hear only compliments, why is that? Complete weakness of our gender?

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How much does he weigh? Let's say he's 215

 

If you break up with him, you will have easily lost 215 pounds and its attending aggravation.

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Well pointing out something to your partner (presuming you trust each other) it’s hardly abusive.

 

There's a way of "pointing out something" which does not do damage to the other person's esteem.

 

It sounds like he's being abusive in how he chooses to "point out something", so yeah, it's quite abusive.

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There's a way of "pointing out something" which does not do damage to the other person's esteem.

 

It sounds like he's being abusive in how he chooses to "point out something", so yeah, it's quite abusive.

 

Maybe I don't see it as abusive because I'd appreciate honesty over sugar coating any time.

 

If it was me and BF said something like 'honey both of us need to work out' I'll know EXACTLY where this comment stands and will be livid. Because I'd MUCH rather hear something like 'don't wear shorts because they show off your cellulite' and save myself from thousands of strangers seeing the same thing but not saying it out loud...

 

How you'd suggest him to tell her without being rude?

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The way he said it was very rude. I would be very unhappy.

 

Responding by text is ridiculous. If you have something to say to the man, say it in person.

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heavenonearth
Maybe I don't see it as abusive because I'd appreciate honesty over sugar coating any time.

 

If it was me and BF said something like 'honey both of us need to work out' I'll know EXACTLY where this comment stands and will be livid. Because I'd MUCH rather hear something like 'don't wear shorts because they show off your cellulite' and save myself from thousands of strangers seeing the same thing but not saying it out loud...

 

How you'd suggest him to tell her without being rude?

 

 

It seems you think this was banter in the way that two people who are very comfortable with each other are throwing back and forth words.

No.

It is evident this was not meant this way, and this guy is aware of what he is doing.

He knows he can get away with wording things this way.

 

I suspect this was NOT the first time he is putting her down this way.

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Similar thing sorta happened to me but quite the opposite. I weigh about 92 lbs which is pretty skinny for my height and I get **** on about how sick I look with absolutely no curves. My boyfriend has said something like "I don't want you to be skinny and sick, I like my woman with curves." It did bother me, because it's difficult for me to gain weight and even if I do, it doesn't guarantee that my boobs or butt will get bigger. I talked to him about it, and he apologized. Sometimes men are just inconsiderate and dumb. You just have to tell them in their face for them to understand.

 

I do agree with some people that the way he said it is pretty offensive. Also, this depends on how much you weigh. If you were like over 150 lbs (with a height of let's say 5'3), then I'd say yeah.. he's right that you might want to lose some weight for health purposes. HOWEVER, the way he says it is so offensive. Why would someone who cares about you and loves you say "I want my woman to be skinny". It was nice that he said he didn't want you to be fat and skinny but he should've just left it at that. Since we know nothing about him, I don't know if he said it because he's just a jerk or he's dumb/inconsiderate. But just talk to him about it instead of feeling all bitter like I did!

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StartingOver77
I am shocked by the majority of these responses.

 

If my boyfriend would ever say something like this, i would definitely never ever call him again. He’d be a goner.

 

Are you sure this guy even loves you?

He sounds like a complete psychopath.

 

I suspect this was NOT the first time he is putting her down this way.

 

 

Bingo.

 

Talk to him, let him know how hurt you were by those comments. If he stands by his comments, it's time to go. He may take care of you in so many ways and you care for him, it's not going to work out because he wants you to be xyz instead of you just being you. I would never, ever say that to a woman. No truly good man ever would. If some man ever said that to my daughters, he'd have to get an operation to have my shoe removed from his tailpipe.

 

Truly, if he doesn't regret what he said, dump him. I know some cultures are very direct but you need to stay true to yourself. Sounds like it would be hard for you to let him go but you truly need to think about it. There are guys out there who will accept you for you. This guy can't, evidently.

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