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Is it possible to believe your partner will change?


believe or not

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believe or not

My bf of almost 5 years has had a history of lies, not to hurt anyone because he is a sensitive guy but I think his ego gets in the way and maybe due to denial.

 

In any event, our relationship has been somewhat turmultuous because of this issues most he tells "white lies" about his finances. He had no sense of using money (spent way more than he had, etc.) and I'm very budget conscious, so I've helped him and waited and reconciled with him several times after I found out he didn't change.

 

Fast forward, I left him a few months ago b/c I couldn't take it anymore; he misled me about paying certain bills and he also has almost no money saved for retirement. He has already started collecting social security since he is almost 66 and he does work a job and earns a modest salary.

 

He has reached out to me and trying to convince me he has fully changed and either I can enjoy that new part of him or someone else will but either way he is appreciative. We still love each other but I'm so afraid his old ways will come back and even not, how will he manage retirement? He claims he is starting to save some money but I don't believe that has happened.

 

How far do you go hoping and waiting? I've been hoping and waiting for years!!

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With a guy of 66, WYSIWYG.

 

He'll be how he is today until he dies. Generally, if anything, annoying personality traits will become more pronounced as his brain ages and atrophies towards death.

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'Is it possible to believe your partner will change?'

Absolutely!

But you would be deluding yourself if you did believe it, especially if there is years of history that he doesn't change.

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I don't see him changing now. If you can have a "fun" relationship where your finances aren't tied up with his, then, maybe. If you have been rescuing him, I think that will continue.

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My bf of almost 5 years has had a history of lies, not to hurt anyone because he is a sensitive guy but I think his ego gets in the way and maybe due to denial.

 

In any event, our relationship has been somewhat turmultuous because of this issues most he tells "white lies" about his finances. He had no sense of using money (spent way more than he had, etc.) and I'm very budget conscious, so I've helped him and waited and reconciled with him several times after I found out he didn't change.

 

Fast forward, I left him a few months ago b/c I couldn't take it anymore; he misled me about paying certain bills and he also has almost no money saved for retirement. He has already started collecting social security since he is almost 66 and he does work a job and earns a modest salary.

 

He has reached out to me and trying to convince me he has fully changed and either I can enjoy that new part of him or someone else will but either way he is appreciative. We still love each other but I'm so afraid his old ways will come back and even not, how will he manage retirement? He claims he is starting to save some money but I don't believe that has happened.

 

How far do you go hoping and waiting? I've been hoping and waiting for years!!

 

Really you with the wrong type of man. Your like me with money. He's not like us with money. He can cloud your mind and you will think he could change but he can't change even at age 66. Why would you think so just because he told you another white lie. Anything you would like to hear to make you think otherwise is what he's doing right now. Say anything you can believe it or not. Just don't believe it. You never said if gambles his money or goes to the casino to play not to win. There is a huge different in those who play until they lose it all because to them to play it fun, but to win doesn't me they would be happy with the winnings. They use that play even more. Like if you and where to play we would pay to win where he would play to play and not win and bring home the winnings. Guys like him would play and play until it's all gone. So when he tells you he will change he's lying to you he will never change now or later. Collecting SS# isn't wrong but that's all he has left to collect. Not saving for retirement shouldn't be a big deal breaker either as you would save and he would spend it all. Just think how life would be if your money was all gone because he said he would change but really he didn't and took all your life saving out to spend it up for who knows what. You wouldn't be happy about that would you? I sure wouldn't be either!

 

Oh yes he's sensitive about talking about money well they don't like to talk about their problem with money either.

Edited by coolheadal
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DrReplyInRhymes

Don't date someone expecting them to change for you down the road,

Date people you like immediately, like them for who they are, it'll bode.

If you don't like something about him, you can certainly bring it up,

However unreasonable it may be, it simply may not be his type of cup.

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It depends on what your expectations are. If you want a house, and kids and all that, you two are going to struggle. You two are incompatible financially. He won't change because he isn't transparent about it. He doesn't care, he pacifies you with lies. Not worth risking your future over.

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My bf of almost 5 years has had a history of lies, not to hurt anyone because he is a sensitive guy but I think his ego gets in the way and maybe due to denial.

 

In any event, our relationship has been somewhat turmultuous because of this issues most he tells "white lies" about his finances. He had no sense of using money (spent way more than he had, etc.) and I'm very budget conscious, so I've helped him and waited and reconciled with him several times after I found out he didn't change.

 

Fast forward, I left him a few months ago b/c I couldn't take it anymore; he misled me about paying certain bills and he also has almost no money saved for retirement. He has already started collecting social security since he is almost 66 and he does work a job and earns a modest salary.

 

He has reached out to me and trying to convince me he has fully changed and either I can enjoy that new part of him or someone else will but either way he is appreciative. We still love each other but I'm so afraid his old ways will come back and even not, how will he manage retirement? He claims he is starting to save some money but I don't believe that has happened.

 

How far do you go hoping and waiting? I've been hoping and waiting for years!!

 

Of course it's possible---anything is possible. Is it probable? Most likely, no.

 

It's a bit late for him to start saving for his retirement when retirement in this country is 67, unless he makes obscene amounts of money.

 

Well, since you left him this is no longer your problem. Let some other woman support him while he lies to her and doesn't pay bills.

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frustrated728

he is 66 and I'm 61 but I want to retire in a few years and even if he works part time for a while, he will only have social security. Is that enough to retire on with no other nest egg?

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he will only have social security. Is that enough to retire on with no other nest egg?

 

 

Sure!

 

 

If you like Ramen noodles.

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DrReplyInRhymes

I know of a guy who started a successful company at the age of 66.

It went on to do millions of dollars in profit, and this guy was living in the sticks,

It certainly isn't impossible for this guy to turn his life into something you like,

But you should be dating him for who is now, not 10 years later in life.

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At his age no he's never going to change. His relationship with money will always conflict with yours. If he was 20, I'd say maybe he could be educated. At 66, this is how it will always be.

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the only thing guaranteed to change is your outlook, when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Otherwise, it's very iffy that someone can break lifelong habit.

 

sounds like he wants the reliability of y'alls relationship, and will say anything to get things back to where they were even though it wasn't good for you.

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Rarely... change comes from you.

 

You are the only one who you can count on changing things.

 

When you change it - it causes other things to change.

 

Stop hoping and waiting... they amount to nothing except time passing you by.

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Yes it's possible to believe your partner will change.

 

 

 

In fact most people who are unhappy in their relationships believe their partner will change that's why they stick it out.

 

 

 

Unfortunately it almost never happens.

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As a side note - the only times I've seen people change is when they have something important to lose... like relationships with family or a job...

 

As long as they are comfortable - they just aren't motivated to change at all.

 

 

For me - when I started to change - it caused a ripple effect... it changed things for others too.

 

Cause and effect = you want change? Change things for yourself.

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he is 66 and I'm 61 but I want to retire in a few years and even if he works part time for a while, he will only have social security. Is that enough to retire on with no other nest egg?

 

Depends upon how/where you intend on living out your retirement.

 

If you both intend upon staying in a large city, doing a lot of traveling, then most likely no.

 

The only way I can see anyone surviving on SS alone is if they lived in Appalachia or in the deep rural south and they live in a trailer and do no traveling.

 

He should have been receiving periodic documentation from the government over the course of his work life telling him how much he can expect to draw depending upon when he chooses to retire. I get something from them just about every year to two years outlining what I can expect depending upon the age I retire.

Edited by kendahke
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he is 66 and I'm 61 but I want to retire in a few years and even if he works part time for a while, he will only have social security. Is that enough to retire on with no other nest egg?

He's had 66 years to change.....he isn't changing.

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believe or not

I have spent a good amount of time talking to him and doing my own investigation. It seems like he may actually be telling me the truth. He has paid the larger bills from the trust $ but has paid everything else from his bank account. He hasn't yet opened a savings account but I see he does have a fair amount of $ to do so and has promised to take care of it on a timely basis and continue to contribute each month.

 

At what point do I believe him? He is very anxious for me to tell my children "We're back together" so he can share this with his friends and family.

 

I know he loves me and I do too, but am I taking an unreasonable risk given this information? I just don't know if it is unrealistic to expect honesty and responsibility from him.

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You think from June 19th, the day you posted this, to June 22nd is all he needed to change? Don't be so gullible.

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What trust fund? What money does he have besides his SS and his job?

 

 

If he is 66 and truly has nothing saved that is ridiculous. You will bE supporting you both. I would absolutely not put him on any of your accounts.

 

He needs to budget and tear up his credit cards and live within his means.

 

I suspect you will get much more of the same with him. Does he have bad credit too?

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frustrated728

his uncle left him $ in a trust (originally, $50K, down to $30K) but he says he doesn't need anymore for now (old bills which built up are paid and a new wardrobe he said he desperately needed).

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frustrated728

he lost all of his money and assets over 12 years ago with a business failure (white collar crime)... but he has been working ever since; however, he can't be picky about the jobs and therefore, hasn't earned a great deal. The current job is stable but doesn't pay much, but with social security he brings home about $4,000/month (before tax). He still has 2 years left on his car loan $350/month and regular expenses like part b (he has medicare).

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