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I'm (30M) not sure how to feel about my girlfriend (23F) and our future anymore


NotSureHowToGoAbout1

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NotSureHowToGoAbout1

My girlfriend and I started dating just over eight months ago. We moved in together at the start of June, she had been pretty much living at my old place with me Friday-Sunday every week, and we got along fine. I know moving in is an adjustment, and I knew it would be for me since I have been living by myself since I was 24. I am struggling so much to stay positive about our relationship, but I just don't know if I can anymore. Also, you should know she comes from a very extremely abusive past relationship. The guy was very controlling, would make her take pictures of what she wore before she went out, who she was with, where they were going, all that. He would also verbally abuse her, calling her names and telling her to kill herself.

 

I am starting a new job in about a month, and she is starting school after that. As of now, we see each other all the time...I literally mean ALL the time. She has no friends here (she moved back home from college and for whatever reason, her old friends don't talk to her), she has no coworkers (except me...we work a little part time job together where it is just the two of us, nobody else), she doesn't drive and refuses to gain that independency back right now so she never leaves to go anywhere (she was in an almost fatal car accident six years ago and doesn't feel comfortable to get back into the saddle, when I attempted to suggest that I help her get back on the road, it didn't go well), and if I want to leave to go somewhere, even if it is just to walk around by myself, she gets nervous and insecure and scared to be alone. When we fight (which has happened a lot since we moved in), I like to take walks or drives to calm myself before we revisit and solve the problem. When I tell her I need space, she just wants me to be in the living room and her in the bedroom, or the other way around. I can't tell you how many times I have had to explain to her that I don't want to be in the house, I want to be out, away from our home and fully by myself for a bit. I am big on space, and as of now, I have never felt so smothered in my life. This kind of goes in line with that, but also she is obsessed with touching and kissing. Like I will be talking and she will slowly move in and kiss me a bunch of times on the cheek or will pucker her lips for a kiss and will keep doing it. I counted once, she kissed me 14 times in one minute. I don't need that much physical contact, and she has never acted like this before. It takes all my strength not to pull my face away when she comes in for a kiss, but I don't want to be so callous.

 

I do blame myself for some of this, because I should have been more upfront and told her things beforehand. For example, she desired (past tense because we have talked about this one, but it is just a good example) that we go to bed at the same time every night because she wants us to be intimate and fall asleep together. She needs her solid 8 hours per night, but I have always been fine on about 6 hours a night. I can't force myself to go to bed when I don't want to and I am not ready. Will there be nights we go to bed at the same time? Sure. When we first moved in we did because we were so tired from all the moving. After awhile and several fights, she felt she was being too hard on trying to get us to go to bed at the same time and that if it can't happen then it can't happen. So to compromise, I lay down with her for 15 or so minutes then I head back to the computer or living room to finish my night off and have some time alone. I say I can take some blame because I think I lead her the wrong way when I was still living at my old place. My mattress sucked big time and wasn't big enough for both of us. So while sometimes we did sleep in the same bed there, most of the time I would sleep on the couch. I would tell her "when we move in we'll be able to sleep together in the same bed" and that's all I meant. I never said we would go to bed at the same time every night, but I should have clarified that.

 

That is just one example of why I feel the way I do. I will be completely honest, I am starting to lose feelings for her. I feel awful saying that because she and I have been doing well for awhile, but I just can't keep doing this. I need to be alone at times, we did try to have a weekend apart, she stayed at her old house and I stayed here (I offered to go to my moms but she said she doesn't want to be here alone for a weekend) and while it was nice, it's almost like it made things worse because it just reminded me how much I loved being single. It was the weekend and we didn't have work, so I just felt like I was back to living alone again. Hanging out, watching TV, playing games, having a couple beers at lunch and taking a nap, waking up playing some more games, hanging out with a buddy, then back home for bed. It was the most at peace I have been in since we moved into the same place.

 

I keep telling myself things will get better, when I am back to working full time and she is in school for 10 hours a day, we won't be around each other all the time. Has anyone been in a situation like this? What can I do or say to help her feel more secure and to ease my mind so I don't feel so smothered? When we did have talks about that, I never truly felt she understood what I needed. Like when we had that weekend apart, she felt it was a reset on our relationship and that we should be all good now. I tried to explain it isn't that easy and I am not telling her I don't want us to spend time together, but that I also require time by myself. When we have gotten into flights about it, she ends up crying because she feels responsible for why I feel the way I do. I hate to see her feel awful about herself like that but I just want a solution to all of this. I know that is easier said than done. I've considered breaking up, moving back in with my mom, but still paying my half of rent towards our apartment since my name is on the lease too. I have no idea how that would work though because she wouldn't want to live here alone and she certainly won't do the commute from her old house to class.

 

I'm rambling at this point. Sorry for the long post. I'm just so overwhelmed and tired that I don't know what to do.

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bathtub-row

A guy who wants and needs space would be a god-send to me because I, too, am a space freak.

 

When people are clingy, they simply don't get this need for alone time. For me, on a list, it falls just below breathing and my heart beating. To them, it translates into 'you must not love me enough'. I told an ex of mine once when he asked about our past, "You might as well have put a pillow over my face." That was a very true analogy as to how I felt.

 

The signs were all there with this girl. Most people want their independence but she seems to think there's something charming or endearing about the way she behaves. Unfortunately, even though you have to an extent exacerbated this issue, it's doubtful she'll be able to shift enough so that you don't feel smothered.

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Has she had counselling for these issues? Because, her issues are pretty significant and really affecting the quality of her life and her relationships...

 

I would say, you moved in together pretty quickly. You are still learning about this person and you are learning that life is not going to be easy with this person. With all due respect, this is a relatively new relationship and as much as moving in together can be difficult, relationships shouldn't be this much work... Especially, in the beginning of the relationship. This is the honeymoon stage.

 

I would think long and hard about the future of this relationship... It doesn't sound like she is going to be much fun to live with long term. She really needs some counselling if you are going to make this work.

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NotSureHowToGoAbout1
Has she had counselling for these issues? Because, her issues are pretty significant and really affecting the quality of her life and her relationships...

 

She wants help, but not from a counselor. She says she wants to go to a psychologist, but as of now has no insurance to do so. I have a counselor I see and told her I would pay for her to go to mine, but she doesn't want to.

 

I agree, we did move in together pretty quick, I felt we were ready and that things wouldn't be like this to be honest. Naive on my part I'm sure, I missed the red flags then that I see clear as day now.

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bathtub-row

I would also add that there’s a significant age difference between the two of you. I mean, if you were 37 and she were 30, that wouldn’t be such s big deal. But she’s in her early 20’s which means she’s still growing up. And in her case, she sounds pretty immature for her age, so you’re also dealing with that.

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NotSureHowToGoAbout1
I would also add that there’s a significant age difference between the two of you. I mean, if you were 37 and she were 30, that wouldn’t be such s big deal. But she’s in her early 20’s which means she’s still growing up. And in her case, she sounds pretty immature for her age, so you’re also dealing with that.

 

Very true, I was different at her age compared to how I am now. I went through a lot of changes. One of which was relationship oriented after I went through one that was pretty crappy.

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She wants help, but not from a counselor. She says she wants to go to a psychologist, but as of now has no insurance to do so. I have a counselor I see and told her I would pay for her to go to mine, but she doesn't want to.

 

I agree, we did move in together pretty quick, I felt we were ready and that things wouldn't be like this to be honest. Naive on my part I'm sure, I missed the red flags then that I see clear as day now.

 

Well then, if she is not interested in getting help then she is choosing to continue to live this way... you need to make your decisions accordingly. If you stay, this will be your future.

 

There are enough red flags here to have a parade.

 

I'm sorry. I don't see a happy and healthy future with this woman. She is very young. Obviously, she has no idea what it is or what it takes to have a happy and healthy relationship. Perhaps, she doesn't understand that she is responsible for what she brings to a realtionship. Perhaps, she doesn't appreciate what a stress it will be on the relationship if she continues with her anxious and controlling behavior.

 

In other words, if she hopes to have a healthy and happy long term relationship, she needs to deal with her issues and get her stuff together.

Edited by BaileyB
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NotSureHowToGoAbout1
Well then, if she is not interested in getting help then she is choosing to continue to live this way... you need to make your decisions accordingly. If you stay, this will be your future.

 

There are enough red flags here to have a parade.

 

I'm sorry. I don't see a happy and healthy future with this woman. She is very young. Obviously, she has no idea what it is or what it takes to have a happy and healthy relationship. Perhaps, she doesn't understand that she is responsible for what she brings to a realtionship. Perhaps, she doesn't appreciate what a stress it will be on the relationship if she continues with her anxious and controlling behavior.

 

In other words, if she hopes to have a healthy and happy long term relationship, she needs to deal with her issues and get her stuff together.

 

I'm glad to hear this from someone else, I thought the same thing and wondered if I was just being too harsh or something. This is the longest relationship I've ever been in so I'm not sure exactly what I'm doing at times is right. Especially with this girl, we've talked about it a lot and I'm trying not to feel like I have to walk on eggshells with her but the fact is, I do. She tells me to loosen up and that things are fine but I have a hard time believing that completely.

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I'm trying not to feel like I have to walk on eggshells with her but the fact is, I do. She tells me to loosen up and that things are fine but I have a hard time believing that completely.

 

Easy for her to say, when she is not the one having to accomodate to the unhealthy partner. A relationship where you feel like you are walking on egg shells is not a healthy relationship.

 

You certainly could end it, and given that you haven’t invested much time into the relationship, that may be the wise thing to do. The other would be to have an honest conversation with her and tell her that you will end it, if she doesn’t go to a Counsellor and get help for her issues.

 

But remember, she has to do the work. Don’t try to be a white knight, because you can’t rescue her from her demons. She must face her past and learn to take responsibility for her role in the relationship. Good luck!

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NotSureHowToGoAbout1
But remember, she has to do the work. Don’t try to be a white knight, because you can’t rescue her from her demons. She must face her past and learn to take responsibility for her role in the relationship. Good luck!

 

Thank you for the advice, I sincerely do appreciate it. I want to help her handle her issues, but I feel I have done all I can and like you said, she has to face her past.

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heavenonearth

I am not a big fan of ultimatums, because if you tell her "look, if you do not get help now, i will have to leave this relationship", it will make her even more insecure. And it will constantly in the back of her head that when she does something wrong, you will leave her.

 

But, BUT... it seems this is a lost cause otherwise.

 

You NEED to give her this ultimatum, if you want to save the relationship.

 

Good luck.

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I would put a positive spin on the ultimatum, as it were. That way it's more constructive than alienating.

 

 

 

Instead of giving her an ultimatum, why not say something along the lines of:

 

 

"You know I love you and I enjoy being with you. I want us to be together for a long time. And for this to work, I feel that you have to put in some effort into seeing a counselor/psychologist. I can't think of any other way. You know I'm here for you, but you also need to work on a few things for us to continue to have a happy and long-term relationship".

 

 

 

Maintain eye contact when you say that. Make sure it sinks in and that she understands the seriousness of the situation.

 

 

 

If that doesn't work, then you'll have to be more and more direct.

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heavenonearth
I would put a positive spin on the ultimatum, as it were. That way it's more constructive than alienating.

 

 

 

Instead of giving her an ultimatum, why not say something along the lines of:

 

 

"You know I love you and I enjoy being with you. I want us to be together for a long time. And for this to work, I feel that you have to put in some effort into seeing a counselor/psychologist. I can't think of any other way. You know I'm here for you, but you also need to work on a few things for us to continue to have a happy and long-term relationship".

 

 

 

Maintain eye contact when you say that. Make sure it sinks in and that she understands the seriousness of the situation.

 

 

 

If that doesn't work, then you'll have to be more and more direct.

 

This is good advice.

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Moving in together is so often a really bad idea. Moving in together is easy; undoing that is as difficult as a situation can be. I think its painfully obvious that moving in together was a bad idea. You two just werent ready for that, especially for two people who are so different in their definition of space. I do think you need to reset this relationship and stop living together. It just feels like if you stay living together, it is going to end up really badly, since it is spiraling downward now. In a good relationship, each person retains their individuality, while being an asset to their partner. I dont see this here.

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NotSureHowToGoAbout1
Moving in together is so often a really bad idea. Moving in together is easy; undoing that is as difficult as a situation can be. I think its painfully obvious that moving in together was a bad idea. You two just werent ready for that, especially for two people who are so different in their definition of space. I do think you need to reset this relationship and stop living together. It just feels like if you stay living together, it is going to end up really badly, since it is spiraling downward now. In a good relationship, each person retains their individuality, while being an asset to their partner. I dont see this here.

 

I think that's what I'll need to do. I should have thought about this more. We just got into another stupid little argument and I tried to take the high road and stay calm and acknowledged what she was saying then she accused me of trying to make her feel stupid. I told her that wasn't my intention and I apologized, then tried to explain what I meant to say then she kept saying "I understand that, but you were..." and so on. I'm done. I honestly think I'm done. We have a counseling session she agreed to go to, but I almost just want to go by myself now and ask my counselor how to break up with someone as I have never done it before.

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It's really hard to say if it's your inherent incompatibility or the situation that's causing the problem. To be honest, the majority of couples would feel smothered if both of them didn't work or do anything except for a part time job that they do together. If your knee jerk reaction to this forced 24/7 proximity is to avoid her, then this would make her more needy and insecure, rinse and repeat.

 

 

 

If I really loved the person, I would just wait a month for work and school to start and then see how it goes. But it sounds like you've already checked out, so not sure if there's much point in that.

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NotSureHowToGoAbout1
It's really hard to say if it's your inherent incompatibility or the situation that's causing the problem. To be honest, the majority of couples would feel smothered if both of them didn't work or do anything except for a part time job that they do together. If your knee jerk reaction to this forced 24/7 proximity is to avoid her, then this would make her more needy and insecure, rinse and repeat.

 

 

 

If I really loved the person, I would just wait a month for work and school to start and then see how it goes. But it sounds like you've already checked out, so not sure if there's much point in that.

 

Honestly, I go back and forth. When a flight is going on or when I am feeling frustrated with the situation, I think to myself "I'm done, I can't do this" but then when things are going fine after I calm down I think "you know what, things aren't wonderful right now, but soon I'll be working and she will be in school and that'll fix a lot of the smothered feelings."

 

Like the small fight we got in earlier, she came back later and apologized for being aggressive so I appreciated that and I let her know.

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GreenTea937

I'm a woman whose dated men similar to your gf. I'm very independent and honestly it used to drive me nuts when I came across people like your gf. You need to cut it off before you invest more time and energy. Being with her will prevent you from meeting someone you truly want to be with.

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Ruby Slippers

I can't imagine how anyone can enjoy a relationship with an able-bodied partner who won't drive and transport him/herself around. This makes her basically like a dependent child, which I imagine is a big turn-off.

 

How do you break up with someone? You just do it. Gently but firmly state out loud that you no longer want to be in the relationship, and suggest steps for disentangling yourselves on a practical level. Don't waffle, don't waver, stick to your guns. You can do what you can to help her transition out of the relationship to being on her own or living with family/friends, whatever, but any more than that will likely create more problems.

 

I 100% understand why you're feeling so smothered and the relationship is breaking down. A healthy, well-adjusted person has no interest in a partner who's so dependent and unwilling to take responsibility for her own life.

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I can't imagine how anyone can enjoy a relationship with an able-bodied partner who won't drive and transport him/herself around. This makes her basically like a dependent child, which I imagine is a big turn-off.

 

 

Lots of people in the cities here don't drive. Parking is ridiculously expensive, not just for going out, but also the parking space for your own apartments. If we got an additional car, we'd be paying an extra $600/month for apartment parking alone, not counting the costs for gas, registration, compulsory insurance, and parking in the city when you go out. Public transport is a much more financially-sound choice.

 

That being said, in the OP's case she isn't even going out by public transport, which is obviously worrisome.

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Ruby Slippers

Sure, I've gone without a car while living in big cities that had good public transport and supplemented with a car share service for when I needed to go off the beaten path. I didn't rely on anyone else to cart me around. Sure, when in relationships my bf often drove us places, but I wasn't dependent on it.

 

The OP's gf refuses to drive because she's scared about a car accident she had years ago. So that limits her independence to that of a disabled person, basically.

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Sure, I've gone without a car while living in big cities that had good public transport and supplemented with a car share service for when I needed to go off the beaten path. I didn't rely on anyone else to cart me around. Sure, when in relationships my bf often drove us places, but I wasn't dependent on it.

 

The OP's gf refuses to drive because she's scared about a car accident she had years ago. So that limits her independence to that of a disabled person, basically.

 

Well, hardly. It's his decision to drive her around, nowadays it's so easy to Uber everywhere.

 

I had a car accident when I was a kid and didn't dare to drive (or even get a license) until my 30s. I was getting around just fine and never felt 'disabled' because I wasn't driving. It helped to leave in walk.bike friendly cities, we don't know their situation. Even now when I can avoid driving, I rather walk the distance (if it's under 5 miles) or bike it (if it's under 15-20 miles).

 

In OP's case the kiss of death was moving in together that early on. I've done the same thing twice and both times it resulted in resentment to a point of no return. I'm afraid that's where OP and his GF are right now...

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