How to handle deflection?

[Ab455]

In my relationship of a few years, me and my girlfriend both agreed to stay off social media, i recently went on facebook via google to get the adress of where she worked so i could pick her up and know where it was , i was not logged in and saw a review from her on the paige, she posted a few weeks prior i caught her on facebook and she denied having one and told me it was her sister’s acount. But out of being curious i logged into my main acount and didnt see her post so i made a second and there she was, aka meaning she blocked me. When i brought it up to her and felt lied to and betrayed , because honesty is key in dating. She wasint apologetic she started pulling everything from the sun as to why its active and said she didnt block me i must of blocked her (i didnt) even though its obvious she did because the second acount can see her and then changed the topic to how i’m a liar for not remembering some argument we had months ago, then said i had issues then turns the topic into how i treat her like trash when it had nothing to do with the actual topic.

 

Now for two days now, she went from talking prior to this, to saying iÂ’m mean, bringing up random crap from the past as to why she won’t call or talk to me. Then when i tell her to communicate and that this is helping nothing and she’s playing a victim. She’s going i’m not playing a victim you just refuse to change, and two days prior everything is fine and normal until i caught her on facebook, now shes up and down and deactivated right after i found it and won’t let me see it and says i’m not her dad and wants privacy. She also wants to use my phone but won’t let me look at or see hers anymore. and has been basically going on and off from i miss and love you and will call later, to her going she doesint want to talk and then back to how awful i am and its not her fault and she doesint trust me and its my fault she cant because i said some hurtful thing almost a year ago. But all of this only came out when i found her facebook reactivated and telling her it felt like being stabbed in the back and didn’t love me.

Edited June 18, 2018 by Ab455

[coolheadal]

Sounds like a wild toxic woman you got there on your hands.

[Versacehottie]

In my relationship of a few years, me and my girlfriend both agreed to stay off social media, i recently went on facebook via google to get the adress of where she worked so i could pick her up and know where it was , i was not logged in and saw a review from her on the paige, she posted a few weeks prior i caught her on facebook and she denied having one and told me it was her sister’s acount. But out of being curious i logged into my main acount and didnt see her post so i made a second and there she was, aka meaning she blocked me. When i brought it up to her and felt lied to and betrayed , because honesty is key in dating. She wasint apologetic she started pulling everything from the sun as to why its active and said she didnt block me i must of blocked her (i didnt) even though its obvious she did because the second acount can see her and then changed the topic to how i’m a liar for not remembering some argument we had months ago, then said i had issues then turns the topic into how i treat her like trash when it had nothing to do with the actual topic.

 

Now for two days now, she went from talking prior to this, to saying iÂ’m mean, bringing up random crap from the past as to why she won’t call or talk to me. Then when i tell her to communicate and that this is helping nothing and she’s playing a victim. She’s going i’m not playing a victim you just refuse to change, and two days prior everything is fine and normal until i caught her on facebook, now shes up and down and deactivated right after i found it and won’t let me see it and says i’m not her dad and wants privacy. She also wants to use my phone but won’t let me look at or see hers anymore. and has been basically going on and off from i miss and love you and will call later, to her going she doesint want to talk and then back to how awful i am and its not her fault and she doesint trust me and its my fault she cant because i said some hurtful thing almost a year ago. But all of this only came out when i found her facebook reactivated and telling her it felt like being stabbed in the back and didn’t love me.

 

Wow, wow. First of all sooooo petty. However, very symbolic of your relationship. There is no trust from either of you. Control and checking up on her is not trust either. Usually what happens when someone is too controlling or you enter into an agreement which you don't believe in (let's not use social media), the person will take their behavior underground, in secret. Why did you agree not to use social media? Seems like a really controlling request to make of someone and for someone to agree to. Were you worried about guys hitting on her via social media or ex-bfs or ex-gfs? I can't really see much of a reason otherwise to say to stay off of it---and I say that as someone who is anti-FB but also would not allow my bf to coerce me into an agreement not to use it. It's just too controlling and not realistic. THAT is why she is flipping out about all the other stuff. She shouldn't have made an agreement with you that she didn't want to keep; on the other hand, you shouldn't be snooping on her. You are acting like her dad. I don't think there is much to salvage here.

 

She is deflecting in part, because you want to argue about the FB particulars when the real issues are that you have no trust for each other; she kind of is the victim of being under your control and dealing with the black hole of insecurity that is going on there. One of you should end the relationship--but some people will continue on like this for a long time. Some people will even think their behavior is totally justified and will carry on like this with the next gf. It's not justified so don't be that guy. But yeah she is lying and deflecting to escape your control.

 

I would argue that it's less of deflecting but rather she is trying to turn the topic onto real and larger issues rather than stick on the ones about FB where she is, per your agreement, in the wrong. In the bigger issues, you both are. She should have never agreed and you should have never asked to agree to that. You should break up. Sorry.

[coolheadal]

He could solve this if he wanted too.. She's not too far gone yet. So your fighting over FB so your would make this such a issue between you both. She can do what she wants we men have no control over anyone when it comes to FB.

[Versacehottie]

He could solve this if he wanted too.. She's not too far gone yet. So your fighting over FB so your would make this such a issue between you both. She can do what she wants we men have no control over anyone when it comes to FB.

 

Yes he could. I don't think either of them is going anywhere in near future. She IS going to continue to do what she wants whether in secret or out in the open though. And he IS going to continue to monitor her, snoop on her and control her even if they come to a new agreement about FB or a lighter sentence

 

Some people actually enjoy this dysfunction. Bottom line: if she is using FB to contact other guys behind your back, you should dump her or her phone or her email whatever. Monitoring her stuff isn't going to stop it from happening though. And if that's what you choose to do it's just a matter of WHEN you find out, not like you are really stopping it. This type of action, does NOT endear you to someone. It drives them away if you haven't figured that out.

[smackie9]

I would never date someone that had to have my pws, go through or use my phone, and forbade me from using social media. That screams "I don't trust you, and I'm insecure". I agree she should have some privacy...everyone should.

 

 

 

It's all falling apart, so you both need to find other people to be with.

[preraph]

People use their social media for different things. Have you made comments about her posts in the past or criticized her for anything she wrote on there? I'd block you if so. Some people only want their same-sex friends on there to talk to more privately, some people block their parents and work mates. There's some reason she blocked you, and I'm betting you were getting into her business too much on there OR embarassing her some way. I have a couple of old friends blocked from my social media because I don't want them arguing with me about one thing or the other OR using my account to push themselves on other friends of mine.

[smackie9]

I worked with this guy who's GF forbade him to go to the mall by himself because there were girls there...how messed up is that?

[S2B]

How to handle that form of lying? You simply and calmly say "it's over - leave now".

 

That's how to handle that kind of toxic behavior.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with cutting off people with toxic behavior and while his gf’s behavior isn’t good, either is the OP’s. I wouldn’t let him think that he is 100% right or even 50% right because then these issues will follow him around in life. They are both wrong

[Normm]

In this particular instance (I don't know the history but it sounds stormy), as the Op describes it, she is in the wrong, she was deceitful in setting up the FB account and blocking him so he didn't know about it and her actions following discovery indicate a complete lack of interest in fixing anything. She's perfectly ok with lying and hiding things from him and if he doesn't like it, too bad, he can either suck it up or walk.

 

 

He has 2 choices. Suck it up or walk.

 

 

Any man with an ounce of self respect would lose her number.

[Gaeta]

This relationship has run its course and it's time to break up and move on to someone better suited for you. You have been unhappy for a very long time now. You are lonely, she doesn't give you attention, you feel neglected...it's not going to change. Now she tells you she doesn't love you, what more do you need to understand it's over?

[basil67]

The first thing which stood out to me is that you went to her FB page to get her work address. Why didn't you simply ask for it?

 

The rest is an absolute mess. And if a person tells you that you treat them like trash, then you suggest they go find someone who is better suited to them and end it on the spot.