Dating co-worker, potential issues

[norudder]

* I have another thread in sexuality forum about an issue in this newly developing relationship

 

I am hoping for perspectives on other things in addition to that.

 

So we've known each other for 4 years but in just the past few weeks expressed attraction and desire for more. We are both aware of the potential consequences and have said we can call it off if either of us is uncomfortable at any point.

 

I can see myself being in a long term committed relationship with this man. He feels the same.

 

Except for the fact that, apart from the ED issue which may or may not resolve, I don't think I can deal with having to keep our relationship secret.

 

The whole point of the work I've been doing in my healing was to be healthy, happy and comfortable with myself and my life as a single woman and mother (which I am) so I would be ready for a healthy loving relationship if/when I met the right person.

 

I don't think I can truly know if he would be that right person without doing the normal out in the open relationship things. Because "what if we run into ppl from work". Maybe it's still too early and I'm over thinking? But I feel like I would be back in the position of being the OW just in a different way.

 

I've been looking for other jobs even before this developed. It might be up to a year before I am working somewhere else. Should I go slowly and cautiously fwd and enjoy what we have seeing what develops or put it on hold before it gets too serious and see if we can pick up again when it's less taboo?

[kendahke]

First, I'd make sure your job doesn't have a policy against intimate work-place relationships.

 

Second, don't poop where you eat.

[MidwestUSA]

I'm not clear on why you need secrecy. Does your workplace forbid coworker relationships?

[norudder]

Yes, it's against policy and would potentially have a career impact, for both but probably more heavily for him.

[coolheadal]

* I have another thread in sexuality forum about an issue in this newly developing relationship

 

I am hoping for perspectives on other things in addition to that.

 

So we've known each other for 4 years but in just the past few weeks expressed attraction and desire for more. We are both aware of the potential consequences and have said we can call it off if either of us is uncomfortable at any point.

 

I can see myself being in a long term committed relationship with this man. He feels the same.

 

Except for the fact that, apart from the ED issue which may or may not resolve, I don't think I can deal with having to keep our relationship secret.

 

The whole point of the work I've been doing in my healing was to be healthy, happy and comfortable with myself and my life as a single woman and mother (which I am) so I would be ready for a healthy loving relationship if/when I met the right person.

 

I don't think I can truly know if he would be that right person without doing the normal out in the open relationship things. Because "what if we run into ppl from work". Maybe it's still too early and I'm over thinking? But I feel like I would be back in the position of being the OW just in a different way.

 

I've been looking for other jobs even before this developed. It might be up to a year before I am working somewhere else. Should I go slowly and cautiously fwd and enjoy what we have seeing what develops or put it on hold before it gets too serious and see if we can pick up again when it's less taboo?

 

I've done it myself but be so warn you might not really know the person until they move in with you. Their true colors comes out.. I had found that out myself. I manage my life to where I want to be at though. You can give it a try but watch how he acts with you at work and outside work.

[kendahke]

Yes, it's against policy and would potentially have a career impact, for both but probably more heavily for him.

 

Then let this go.

 

Wait until one of you is no longer with your company to date. It's not worth being narc'd on by a co-worker who doesn't like you and wants your position. Don't give anyone a reason to lay hold of you.

[smackie9]

Figure you your priorities. If you value your job/career, then a relationship won't be worth the risk.

[No_Go]

Do you have any particular reason to "publicize" your relationship? I mean what's the deal with keeping it private at work at least for the time being?

 

When I started dating a guy from my last job (I switched jobs for different reasons soon after), we were very careful to avoid rumors. I LOVED it that way. I knew what's going on and thoroughly enjoyed the cluelessness of our coworkers, some were guessing but didn't have a proof

 

I'd have never ever wanted to make it public. My private life is NONE of my coworkers business so I don't see what's the deal, unless I'm missing something? E.g. he's too paranoid or something?

 

Also, hope he's not your direct manager or subordinate, then it's a no go...

[Normm]

Getting involved with a coworker is a REALLY BAD idea.

 

 

If you do so, understand that most relationships fail.

 

You need to seriously and realistically think about what will happen when and if this one does. You will be seeing this person on a daily basis and it's going to be uncomfortable and awkward at best, and intolerable at worst. Unless it's easy to get reassigned to another department or get another job, you might want to reconsider.

[norudder]

Do you have any particular reason to "publicize" your relationship? I mean what's the deal with keeping it private at work at least for the time being?

 

When I started dating a guy from my last job (I switched jobs for different reasons soon after), we were very careful to avoid rumors. I LOVED it that way. I knew what's going on and thoroughly enjoyed the cluelessness of our coworkers, some were guessing but didn't have a proof

 

I'd have never ever wanted to make it public. My private life is NONE of my coworkers business so I don't see what's the deal, unless I'm missing something? E.g. he's too paranoid or something?

 

Also, hope he's not your direct manager or subordinate, then it's a no go...

 

I don't need to publicize necessarily, pics on FB etc but it's a small community, dating options will be drastically limited. No holding hands across the table at local restaurants, no going to the theater together, (tickets are often available free/discount through work). My social circle would be "safe" as far as socializing with others as I'm not friends w people from work, ALL his friends are from work.

Edited June 18, 2018 by norudder

[preraph]

One thing to remember is if you tell anyone from work, everyone will eventually know, no exceptions. And depending on your positions, people may feel threatened by it, unless you literally don't work together at all ever and are in separate departments with separate bosses and employees under you.

 

Common sense says you don't talk about what could be something that goes nowhere until it goes somewhere, which would be months down the road. If at some point you get engaged or move in together, then might be the time to go public. You don't want people to think either one of you are casually dating at work.

 

You're a grownup so you can control your actions even if you don't agree with the premise. He's in this too so he has some say in it also. You have an ED issue I haven't read about, but that certainly complicates everything. Wishing you luck on that.

[No_Go]

I don't need to publicize necessarily, pics on FB etc but it's a small community, dating options will be drastically limited. No holding hands across the table at local restaurants, no going to the theater together, (tickets are often available free/discount through work). My social circle would be "safe" as far as socializing with others as I'm not friends w people from work, ALL his friends are from work.

 

Well these matter if you make them matter. You can have all affection you want at each other's houses, dine at restaurants further away etc.

 

How long have you been dating? IMO if it is anything under an year, no need to mix social circles anyway...

 

I agree with Preraph the time to make it known to coworkers is after you move in together or get engaged. Anything before then is unjustified risk.

[coolheadal]

Well these matter if you make them matter. You can have all affection you want at each other's houses, dine at restaurants further away etc.

 

How long have you been dating? IMO if it is anything under an year, no need to mix social circles anyway...

 

I agree with Preraph the time to make it known to coworkers is after you move in together or get engaged. Anything before then is unjustified risk.

 

Your last statement here I can't agree with it. I know where I work we just don't have many employees and after a year seeing this woman I work with everyone knows we're together. I get the occasional are you dating her and is she your girl friend/ The woman I am seeing is very private about her social life. After being with her she's not here right now because of personal reasons and gives me some me time too. She's already toxic and I deal with that because she's a lot different than anyone I've been with. Everyone should try if they can fall for the co-worker I say but remember your take a risk by doing so. in 2017 she started on my shift too a while to get to know her at first. By late 2017 I had her move in. Then I've noticed the change. By now it was apparent what I was getting involved with. In my heart I felt it could work. She has some issues that to me are very toxic. I will not give in to a toxic woman and I will stand-up to her even risk it to kills everything. i see she really into me but I have to dig out just to know it. But like I say if you willing to go through what I've done then try. I have to respect her and what she's doing for us both now to make her a better person. I only see her on weekends at best. It's just something about her I can't give up but in all I see she has the same effect with me. I am not perfect either but I do hold the key too sanity!

Edited June 19, 2018 by coolheadal