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Coral Evan

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I have been talking to a man and we went out. Great sexual chemistry and he kept dropping hints that he wanted to go home with me. He said some stuff that was kinda dumb like talking about politics and exes and all. I REALLY was attracted to him but don’t sleep with someone on a first date...need time to get to know and trust them. Ever since then I have been in contact with him and he kept asking for pics but basically flaking out on dates. I told him I had a strong sexual attraction to him and he said he loved that message. I wrote to him that I like to be direct and he said yes I was direct and basically I also told him if the attraction is not mutual I would stop bugging him. Did I do the wrong thing and drive this guy away?

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You may have given him the impression you want to date rather than just have sex, so he's looking for easier targets right now.

 

It sounds like you're looking to date, yet the only negative you perceived here was his mention of exes/politics, not the heavy sexual emphasis from him on every interaction you've had? The mind boggles...

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There are other men who I am dating who are interested but I can't get over the image I have of this man in mind. I am too embarrassed to text again but maybe after a week?

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If you want to sleep with him, then just ask him if he wants to get together. You don't need to overthink it.

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I wrote to him that I felt a strong sexual attraction and he answered saying he loved that. I asked him if he felt it and that I am direct and he said yes you are direct and he winked so I took it as a rejection so I wrote that if the feeling was not mutual I would stop bugging him and he has not replied. If I write anything else it looks totally crazy so I don't know what to do. Just give up I guess....sleeping with him wouldn't make him want to date me anyway

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He wanted NSA sex quickly & easily. You wanted a relationship. When you said you were deeply attracted to him, he interpreted that as deeply invested. He wanted no part of a commitment so he bailed.

 

If you are DTF, reach out & invite him over but do not expect flowery words, loving declarations, for him to stay the night or even call again. He's looking for notches on his bedpost.

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I have been talking to a man and we went out. Great sexual chemistry and he kept dropping hints that he wanted to go home with me. He said some stuff that was kinda dumb like talking about politics and exes and all. I REALLY was attracted to him but don’t sleep with someone on a first date...need time to get to know and trust them. Ever since then I have been in contact with him and he kept asking for pics but basically flaking out on dates. I told him I had a strong sexual attraction to him and he said he loved that message. I wrote to him that I like to be direct and he said yes I was direct and basically I also told him if the attraction is not mutual I would stop bugging him. Did I do the wrong thing and drive this guy away?

 

Look, you told the truth and I'm always a fan of that. He may not appreciate your being so forward with what you want but that's his problem. You have put the ball in his court now so I wouldn't contact him again just wait for his response. Hopefully you don't want to have sex with him expecting a relationship because it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

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There are other men who I am dating who are interested but I can't get over the image I have of this man in mind. I am too embarrassed to text again but maybe after a week?

 

NO! If he doesn't get back to you it means you've been rejected.

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I have been talking to a man and we went out. Great sexual chemistry and he kept dropping hints that he wanted to go home with me. He said some stuff that was kinda dumb like talking about politics and exes and all. I REALLY was attracted to him but don’t sleep with someone on a first date...need time to get to know and trust them. Ever since then I have been in contact with him and he kept asking for pics but basically flaking out on dates. I told him I had a strong sexual attraction to him and he said he loved that message. I wrote to him that I like to be direct and he said yes I was direct and basically I also told him if the attraction is not mutual I would stop bugging him. Did I do the wrong thing and drive this guy away?

 

Well you see, he wanted to have sex with you on the first date by going back home with you. So he's was more like a casual guy looking for casual sex. Also called one night stand or quickie. You want a relationship type and not just drop the panties go for sex on the first date. This guy is not for you my dear. He won't contact you again, because you don't give it up on the first date. He's the type that wants that in a woman. Sex and be done of it no relationship just sex and go with another woman this is how it is today with most men. Then there is other men who want what you want. So you have decide who you want to go with those who don't want sex on the first date which is what you want and those you want to get to know better before you have sex more of a relationship type of man instead of casual sex man who just want sex and nothing else on the first date so he doesn't call you ever again and moves on to the next woman to date/sex night party time!

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Versacehottie

I think he was fudging that he liked the directness. I see that saying that immediately took away any challenge that existed--which a lot of guys don't find attractive. If he is looking for a relationship, probably it was a comment that was unfounded based on what he'd already shown the OP (not much at all) and if he just wanted to hook up and bail, he was probably worried he'd have a stage 5 clinger on his hands (sorry, not that you are but he spooks easily apparently). So I think the ball is completely in his court. Hopefully you hear from him or that one of the other guys is a much better match for you all around :)

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I wrote to him that I felt a strong sexual attraction and he answered saying he loved that. I asked him if he felt it and that I am direct and he said yes you are direct and he winked so I took it as a rejection so I wrote that if the feeling was not mutual I would stop bugging him and he has not replied. If I write anything else it looks totally crazy so I don't know what to do. Just give up I guess....sleeping with him wouldn't make him want to date me anyway

 

If he is unable/unwilling to answer a direct question, then no, he's not interested in developing a relationship with you. He wants to smash and dash.

 

Now, if your sexual attraction is such that you'd like to just smash and dash, then tell him that and he may acquiesce to seeing you more often. If you want a full on relationship, then this guy is showing you that that's not what he wants from/with you---and act accordingly. That means: don't call him. He already knows that you're interested. What is not known is his interest and that is revealed by how much he arses himself to get in/remain in touch with you.

Edited by kendahke
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Versacehottie
I wrote to him that I felt a strong sexual attraction and he answered saying he loved that. I asked him if he felt it and that I am direct and he said yes you are direct and he winked so I took it as a rejection so I wrote that if the feeling was not mutual I would stop bugging him and he has not replied. If I write anything else it looks totally crazy so I don't know what to do. Just give up I guess....sleeping with him wouldn't make him want to date me anyway

 

I forgot to say this and it's important. Guys/people hate these kind of statements (bolded). It's VERY insecure. You have characterized yourself as a bother in that statement. Positioned yourself as less than AND thrown yourself at his feet in one fell swoop. Not a good look. Come on, girl, you are better than this. Work on your self esteem and remember no guy is worth it is he doesn't see and appreciate you for the good you are. Make sure also that you show your good and best of you--not the part that worries she won't be good enough or how is she going to get this guy. Good luck

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Self esteem is ok. I mean I think I look good and hey, I am doing something ok cuz I am getting dates a lot. But anyway, even if I do want to have sex with him (and I have not had sex since New Year after my break up), how the hell do you up and text him "Hey sorry about the passive aggressive tone, you live conveniently close by and until I find the right man for a relationship I want to just have sex with you." I mean how would that sound? Jeez!!!

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Self esteem is ok. I mean I think I look good and hey, I am doing something ok cuz I am getting dates a lot. But anyway, even if I do want to have sex with him (and I have not had sex since New Year after my break up), how the hell do you up and text him "Hey sorry about the passive aggressive tone, you live conveniently close by and until I find the right man for a relationship I want to just have sex with you." I mean how would that sound? Jeez!!!

 

You don't have to be quite that ham-fisted about it.

 

You just tell him that you're more into a casual/fwb arrangement and aren't looking for a relationship ONLY if that is the truth of your matter.

 

If you're looking for a relationship and you go in telling him that you just want to smash as a means to manipulate him into a relationship down the road, then you're only setting yourself up for a really nasty fall because he'll probably expect for you to make this switch. Chances are, you're not the first woman to try him on this.

 

If relationship is important to you, then hold out for it and gather your grace, dignity and self-control and navigate through this til you find the man who wants what you want.

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I feel it's okay to be direct with men about what you want but remember the majority of men like to hunt, like to chase and feel like they conquered what they wanted. It's not fair but that's the way the majority are and feel they don't have a prize unless they've worked for it.

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Versacehottie
I feel it's okay to be direct with men about what you want but remember the majority of men like to hunt, like to chase and feel like they conquered what they wanted. It's not fair but that's the way the majority are and feel they don't have a prize unless they've worked for it.

 

Agreed 100%. i going to bet that also applies to casual relationships--maybe not to the same extent but remove the chase (or ding the prize) and they are not interested.

 

For the OP, I think something in how you've approached things with this guy so far have shown him that you will say casual and then try to flip the script....assuming he is looking for casual, maybe, give the guys some credit, he might be looking for a relationship? I think to have us help you need to go back to the beginning of how you met & under what circumstances. The easiest would be if you met online or an app and he stated he wanted casual. Did he? Otherwise i don't know that you can presume he'd jump at some woman throwing herself at him to be fair. Some guys just aren't like that.

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Versacehottie
Self esteem is ok. I mean I think I look good and hey, I am doing something ok cuz I am getting dates a lot. But anyway, even if I do want to have sex with him (and I have not had sex since New Year after my break up), how the hell do you up and text him "Hey sorry about the passive aggressive tone, you live conveniently close by and until I find the right man for a relationship I want to just have sex with you." I mean how would that sound? Jeez!!!

 

ok, tbh, i think you need a different focus. Not to debate you about your self-esteem because you would know 1000 times better than i do but when you replied above at why you think it's fine you gave the examples that you look good & are getting dates. Both of those things have an external focus--how others are reacting to you (rather than just thinking you are good enough) and both relate back to your ability to attract guys. Maybe you have a good self esteem for lots of other reasons (i.e. that don't have to do with your dating marketablity) so shift the focus on what you think about your value. I'm not explaining it well but hopefully you get what i mean & maybe you just didn't go into other things that compose your self-esteem.

 

*I wouldn't say that above. sounds desperate & clingy. Good luck

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Agreed 100%. i going to bet that also applies to casual relationships--maybe not to the same extent but remove the chase (or ding the prize) and they are not interested.

 

For the OP, I think something in how you've approached things with this guy so far have shown him that you will say casual and then try to flip the script....assuming he is looking for casual, maybe, give the guys some credit, he might be looking for a relationship? I think to have us help you need to go back to the beginning of how you met & under what circumstances. The easiest would be if you met online or an app and he stated he wanted casual. Did he? Otherwise i don't know that you can presume he'd jump at some woman throwing herself at him to be fair. Some guys just aren't like that.

 

I agree and especially in this age where every other woman is willing to have sex with a man without any commitment whatsoever.

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Lotsgoingon

If a woman tells me she is strongly sexually attracted to me ... and my response is ... "I appreciate you saying that," then I'm not into them.

 

The only response (if he's even half-way interested) is for him to say "I'm on my over in 5 minutes."

 

He didn't miss your message. He just isn't comfortable ... Translation: no he's not into you. Even if he came over ... sounds like he would be nervous and awkward. Leave him alone ... Something is going on with him ... and actually may not have anything to do with you ... (As in he had a bad fwb relationship with someone that turned out sour.)

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Versacehottie
If a woman tells me she is strongly sexually attracted to me ... and my response is ... "I appreciate you saying that," then I'm not into them.

 

The only response (if he's even half-way interested) is for him to say "I'm on my over in 5 minutes."

 

He didn't miss your message. He just isn't comfortable ... Translation: no he's not into you. Even if he came over ... sounds like he would be nervous and awkward. Leave him alone ... Something is going on with him ... and actually may not have anything to do with you ... (As in he had a bad fwb relationship with someone that turned out sour.)

 

I agree. His response to her saying that statement was to keep everything on his terms and perhaps avoid the drama of saying, "I'm not interested". If he was remotely interested, she would receive a text back at the very least after her last one. To do another one is desperate and won't help her cause. She should find another guy who would want to be FWB. Also while this guy could not be interested for reasons that have nothing to do with her, she should try a different approach with the next one. Definitely not the same wording.

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Well today he wrote me a "Hi" message and I wrote him a simple hello back....nothing more and went and got busy with work, friends, and classes and about 4 hours later he texted "Working". I just politely asked how work was and hoped he did not work too many hours (he's a cameraman in Hollywood so they work like 12 to 14 hour shifts). I am now TOTALLY confused. Like why tell me hi and then 4 hours after I don't respond just tell me he is working. ......weird

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Lotsgoingon

Nothing to be confused about.

 

The "hi" is a coward's way of saying no without saying no.

 

It's a way of being polite ... the problem is that in this situation, a "hi" can easily send mixed messages.

 

If he were into, you would have spent a night with him already.

 

He just doesn't have the social skill or awareness to know that the best thing to do is to leave you alone.

 

Trust me as a man who took years to understand this ... but a "hi" means absolutely nothing beyond "I know you exist."

 

No need to be confused ...

 

Acknowledging that you exist with a "hi" does not equal "I want to spend time with you."

 

And "I want to spend time with you" does not equal. "When can I come over. I really want to see you soon."

 

He's at least two steps away from expressing any interest. Keep moving. You're doing well to get him off your mind.

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(he's a cameraman in Hollywood so they work like 12 to 14 hour shifts).

 

A photog in LA means he's in a union, which means he gets breaks in his day where he can get out his phone and send you something. They don't work continuously as if on an assembly line.

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mortensorchid

It sounds like he wanted sex immediately and you didn't give it to him because you want to date / have a relationship with him, and he's disappointed in that and doesn't want to date / have a relationship with you. So you're at a road block in both cases.

 

This reminds me of a guy I knew years ago. He said he went out with this girl over the weekend and he really liked her, I said "That's nice". He said every time he sees her she runs away and screams, and every time he would call her and she picked up the phone (this was long before the days of texting) she would scream and hang up. He asked "What do you think that means?". I said "You really don't need ME to tell you what that means, do you?" Needless to say, it didn't pan out. Which it won't for you and this guy.

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