My boyfriend of 6 months has now decided that he does not want kids.

[1Jessie86]

We're both in our early 30s and live together. We moved in together a few months ago as we both decided That we both want something serious, and had the "why wait" mentality.

 

I made it clear when we first started dating that I want kids in the future. He did too. We were on the same page. I may have scared him by mentioning that I am actually ready for kids now, but told him I can wait.

 

Now today out of nowhere he shares with me that he actually does NOT want any kids. I haven't talked to him about it yet. I instead left and got some space away from him as I am pissed.

 

I feel like this is some kind of test or ultimatum. Is he trying to make me decide whether or not we should break up? I do really want a child but I also want love. My boyfriend is a great man and it took me years to find him. Before him I felt like I was going to live a sad lonely life. So with that said I'd probably be willing to sacrifice having kids for love. I'm just not sure how to approach this.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Your advice is appreciated!

[planb1973]

Just a quick story.

A few years ago I dated a woman for 6 months. I was on the fence about having children as I already was a single dad. One day while having dinner at her house I saw a container with something odd in it. Turns out it was her IUD that she had had removed. It became clear instantly that she REALLY wanted kids... like now! It scared the crap out of me and suddenly I was off the fence. Long story short we broke up soon after that and she went on to get pregnant and married within 6 months. I had to do the math to make sure it was not mine. She now is happily married with a two year old.

 

Your BF very well might want to have kids but the suddenness of your moving in together and wanting kids now has scare the crap out of him.

[geckojohn]

I would break up and move on. You are only going to feel resentment later on if you stay in this relationship. At least it's only been 6 months

[Gaeta]

Break up.

 

He knew he didn't want children and he hid it from you till you get too emotionally attached to leave him. Isn't it what's happening?

 

If he wanted children he would give you a time frame like next year of in 2 years. He would not give you a definite no.

[tracey86]

I would recommend you talking to him. Be sure that you both are understanding this decision moving in & kids. Sometimes it can seem like a lot of pressure 6 months is a short time... Generally people know if they want kids or not. And if your views differ that is a deal breaker because its a hell of a compromise. If in fact he doesn't want kids ever then you know what you need to do. You can find love with someone who wants the same future you do.

 

I don't know if you watch the real.. Jennie and Fred divorced because he wanted kids and she didn't. They had been married 10 years. less than a year after they broke up his girlfriend is expecting....

[Lotsgoingon]

This is a tough one ... or maybe not.

 

Really cool move on your part to walk out ... without saying anything. You sent a message, responded authentically ... but didn't lash out.

 

Let yourself feel whatever you feel ... and don't feel like you have to figure this out in the next 48 hours.

 

I will say this ... in my experience, if you really want kids, that urge does not go away ... does not go away ... You can run from it ... get involved in other life paths ... but that desire for kids will not go away.

 

Let him explain himself ... doesn't mean you have to agree ... I would not try to talk him out of his view ... Of course, ask about his thinking .. But you should feel no obligation to suppress your own disappointment--as if don't hide tears in front of him. Let him see the magnitude of this for you ... and don't hide the magnitude of this for you.

 

Ultimately, I suggest being open to this relationship ending ... Really don't minimize your own ability to find another partner. I know a couple of people who got married because they were sure that "this is the only person who has an interest in me."

 

Both of these women were so wrong ... One is so attractive ... she was just shy and not very "pretty" as a younger person ... so she lacked social confidence ... But once she got a little older ... OMG, I could not believe it when she told me she got married because she assumed this guy would be her only opportunity.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Break up.

 

He knew he didn't want children and he hid it from you till you get too emotionally attached to leave him. Isn't it what's happening?

 

If he wanted children he would give you a time frame like next year of in 2 years. He would not give you a definite no.

 

I agree.

 

This is a huge, huge issue and life-changer. I feel like he might have deceived you . We only have one shot at this (life), so if you want kids, and he absolutely does not, you will have to move on .

[smackie9]

He doesn't want kids.....with you. Dump this chump.

[guest569]

I wondered that too, seems he suddenly changed his mind or has deceived you. I wouldn’t change my future so easily for a man I was with for 6 months when he can change his mind in an instant.

[BaileyB]

I wouldn’t change my future so easily for a man I was with for 6 months when he can change his mind in an instant.

 

As much as I can appreciate how hard it is to find a loving relationship and how disappointed you must feel to think that you have found it, only to realize that you must now potentially let it go... I agree with this post.

 

If having children is your dream, I wouldn't give it up for a man. No matter how much I loved him.

[1Jessie86]

After talking with him it seems as though he's just scared for the future and he's not sure it's fair to raise a child in the sort of environment that I see myself living in. Honestly this is the third time we've discussed this same subject with no resolution. Talking about this sort of thing is definitely not my strong suit as I struggle to open up. We're considering therapy now.

[mortensorchid]

He doesn't want the same things you want. Move on ASAP.

[BaileyB]

After talking with him it seems as though he's just scared for the future and he's not sure it's fair to raise a child in the sort of environment that I see myself living in. Honestly this is the third time we've discussed this same subject with no resolution. Talking about this sort of thing is definitely not my strong suit as I struggle to open up. We're considering therapy now.

 

Well that's a good plan.

 

Look, in truth you have fast tracked this relationship. You have known him for six months and you've moved in together really quickly. It takes time to get to know someone.

 

Counselling is a good plan for any couple considering marriage or making a long term commitment. Best to talk about things like communication, finances, future plans like having children...

 

What do you have to lose? Just don't waste too long if the relationship isn't going where you want it to go...

[Arieswoman]

1jessie,

 

 

We're considering therapy now

 

 

You don't need therapy, you need effective contraception and a plan to leave him - whatever you do, don't make an "oops" baby to force the issue.

 

 

 

Having therapy won't make him change his mind, so save your time and money.

 

 

You just aren't on the same page here, so cut your losses and give yourself the opportunity to have children with a guy who wants that as much as you do.

 

 

I'm sorry x

[Gaeta]

After talking with him it seems as though he's just scared for the future and he's not sure it's fair to raise a child in the sort of environment that I see myself living in. Honestly this is the third time we've discussed this same subject with no resolution. Talking about this sort of thing is definitely not my strong suit as I struggle to open up. We're considering therapy now.

 

 

You don't go to therapy with someone you've met 6 months ago, when you run into a wall it's because you are not compatible. You break up and move on to someone better suited for you.

 

Going in therapy is to help couples communicate better, he's communicated pretty clear to you 3 times he doesn't want children. Therapy isn't about changing people's mind.

 

And for you what is there to communicate about? You want kids, you've said it. You want to open up about why you want kids? Is that suppose to change his mind? You think if you can express why you desire kids he'll suddenly see the light and want them too? Therapy isn't for that.

 

By the way moving in and talking marriage and kids after 6 months is shooting yourself in both feet. You don't know this man yet. You have no idea what you are getting into. You don't fully know a person untill you've dated them a good 2 years and you've seen them at their highest and their lowest.

 

 

.

[Andy_K]

There are two possibilities here. Neither are good.

 

1) He never wanted kids, but said what he needed to in order to continue being with you

2) He does want kids, but not with you. He's changed his mind on you for some reason, and has told you he doesn't want kids as a way out.

[act00]

What type of environment do you see yourself living in that is dangerous to child rearing? I would think this is valid, and is there a way to live or work without this danger? As just a couple (without considering kids), is your boyfriend okay with a future with such a lifestyle?

 

This is a tough place, and you're going to have some major regrets down the line if you settle for not having kids. You'll find a man who loves you and is in the same mindset. It does seem like your boyfriend wants a family, but you guys are moving really fast, and he's also considering this lifestyle of yours that you want that he considers to be dangerous. I do think counselling would be very useful if you're having such difficulty expressing yourself, and it always helps to have a mediator.

[carhill]

OP, if you could clarify this:

 

I made it clear when we first started dating that I want kids in the future. He did too. We were on the same page. I may have scared him by mentioning that I am actually ready for kids now, but told him I can wait

A timeline would be helpful. When did you mention that you are actually ready for kids now? At that moment, what was his response, if any?

 

In general....

 

While it might seem that men should not ever be able to change their mind except when a woman wants them to, in actuality we have the same free will as any other human and can change our mind for any reason, or no reason, at any time....just like women do every day.

 

What happens is, if such a change results in a fundamental and persistent relationship condition of difference or dispute, it becomes an irreconcilable difference and the relationship ends.

 

If indeed this man is a 'great man that took years to find', then this change of heart/mind, while quite shocking and frustrating, changes little in that regard. He'll still be a great man, if not for you, then someone else.

[stillafool]

After talking with him it seems as though he's just scared for the future and he's not sure it's fair to raise a child in the sort of environment that I see myself living in. Honestly this is the third time we've discussed this same subject with no resolution. Talking about this sort of thing is definitely not my strong suit as I struggle to open up. We're considering therapy now.

 

This is such an important subject that you have to open up and tell him what you want, which are children. He was honest when he first said he didn't want them. You should break up with him because you will be able to get over him but not get over never having the child or children you wanted. He may say he was just scared and said that now but I think he meant it when he said he doesn't want them. Children are expensive and hard work. He may resent you when all of this sets in.

[Ruby Slippers]

Jerk move on his part. Move on. You don't have any time to waste.

[Shining One]

Are people not allowed to change their minds regarding kids? I've personally had six women change their minds on me in the course of our relationships. Were they all lying to me from the start?

[preraph]

It's not a test. He doesn't want kids. He should have said so before, but having run a childfree sight for some time, I've heard a lot of stories where people concealed either about wanting or not wanting kids, mostly men, because they had no intention of a serious relationship at the start anyway so they didn't care or think it was important.

 

Now he's come clean. I will only say this: If you care about the children's welfare and put it above your own, you will know that the very last thing they need is a father who doesn't want kids. You're only dating, not married. Find someone who wants kids. Good luck.

[Gaeta]

Are people not allowed to change their minds regarding kids? I've personally had six women change their minds on me in the course of our relationships. Were they all lying to me from the start?

 

 

And you had children with the 6 of them?

 

 

OP: The statistic says that 50% of marriages-relationships fail. If you give up on your dream of having kids for him 50% of chances you'll end up divorce in 10 years or so years. If so, you'll find yourself 10 years down the road with no kids and too old to dream about it anymore.

[Shining One]

And you had children with the 6 of them?

No, I ended those relationships.

 

I'm not saying the OP should stick with him. In fact, I think she should end things. I was simply responding to the various posters assuming that the boyfriend lied to the OP when it's quite possible he just changed his mind.

[Ruby Slippers]

^ Having kids or not is one of the biggest decisions anybody makes in life. Any halfway decent man knows by his early 30s if he wants kids or not. Only a real loser would tell a woman he wants kids when he really doesn't.

 

It's another matter if he figures out he doesn't want kids with her. But he shouldn't have moved in with her if he had any doubt about that. At least he only wasted 6 months of her time and not more.