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Dating with an Expiration Date


tigerlilie

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So, I am dating a guy from an app for a month and a half. We are in the late 20s/early 30s. Found out last wk that he is moving to another City ( 1 hr by plane; 8 driving).

 

I am insanely attracted to him both physically and emotionally which rarely happens. We both said it's casual but open to it being serious. When I found out he is moving away, I was supportive but also admitted that I was sad. I went out with him one more time after that. I feel like I am getting more emotionally attached than I thought I should be given how short of a time that I know him.

 

We haven't talked about what would happen when he moves in a month and a half (though he hinted at just enjoy the time we have) since I wanted time for both of us to process. I had plan on us talking next wk. At first, I decided that it's over and done since I didn't want to invest any more. But our last date, I realize he really broaden my horizons and introduce me to activities and thoughts that I don't normally engage in. He is supportive and really treats me well ( hold the door, pour my drinks, pay for dinner, see me home/order a car to send me home). I don't need anything of the things he does ( I offered to paid every time and he said yes to 1/8 dinners) but he says he likes to. After considering this, I thought I would take a chance and just enjoy the time we have and it would be a beautiful memory for me.

 

However, I am starting to think that I would be too emotionally invested by the time he leaves and maybe it's not worth it. With moving, he would be too busy to see me any way right? Should I tell him we need to stop seeing each other? Or am I just being a big chicken?

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You know yourself & how your emotions are wired. Upon learning that he was moving I could turn my heart off, enjoy some fun casual times with him knowing that once he relocated I'd probably be done unless I had some burning to desire to relocate to where he's going that existed before I met him & would exist even if I never met him.

 

But if you will fall hard, get attached & then be devastated when leaves it's OK to cut your losses.

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you better buy a new set of tires, you'll need it for that 8 hour drive back and forth :)

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I'veseenbetterlol
So, I am dating a guy from an app for a month and a half. We are in the late 20s/early 30s. Found out last wk that he is moving to another City ( 1 hr by plane; 8 driving).

 

I am insanely attracted to him both physically and emotionally which rarely happens. We both said it's casual but open to it being serious. When I found out he is moving away, I was supportive but also admitted that I was sad. I went out with him one more time after that. I feel like I am getting more emotionally attached than I thought I should be given how short of a time that I know him.

 

We haven't talked about what would happen when he moves in a month and a half (though he hinted at just enjoy the time we have) since I wanted time for both of us to process. I had plan on us talking next wk. At first, I decided that it's over and done since I didn't want to invest any more. But our last date, I realize he really broaden my horizons and introduce me to activities and thoughts that I don't normally engage in. He is supportive and really treats me well ( hold the door, pour my drinks, pay for dinner, see me home/order a car to send me home). I don't need anything of the things he does ( I offered to paid every time and he said yes to 1/8 dinners) but he says he likes to. After considering this, I thought I would take a chance and just enjoy the time we have and it would be a beautiful memory for me.

 

However, I am starting to think that I would be too emotionally invested by the time he leaves and maybe it's not worth it. With moving, he would be too busy to see me any way right? Should I tell him we need to stop seeing each other? Or am I just being a big chicken?

 

You need to talk about how you feel before you get too emotionally attached. If he wants something casual only, you are headed for heartbreak. Personally because I was looking for a serious relationship, anytime a guy just wanted casual I excused myself from the situation.

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salparadise

If you go through life using this avoidance strategy to escape the potential for pain and heartache that is inherent in living fully, you're going to end up with a very different kind of regret. The kind that comes from not taking any risks, not giving it your best shot.

 

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

~Alfred Lord Tennyson

 

The exception would be, if the guy is not serious, only thinking of it as a fling. In that case cut your losses and preserve your dignity. But if you're both on the same page then I'd say choose to experience your life knowing that joy and suffering are two sides of the same coin.

 

I've had relationships that ended, and yes it's painful, but if I had it to do over I'd definitely not want to miss

.
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Thanks for those insights and for giving me a lot to think about!

 

This is hard!

 

It's only been a month and a half, even normally, it's too soon to talk about anything serious. But I guess I need to have that conversation and go from there!

 

I would love to be fully immerse in this experience but I think I may become attach. The last date, we share some of our most vulnerable experiences and that seems like a road to attachment.

 

ugh

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For me, it would turn me totally off. He has hinted he is here for a good time, but not a long time. He's not invested, he's moving on. That "open for something serious" was a month and a half ago....that idea has long since past now that he plans to move away.

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Lotsgoingon

Had this exact scenario ... Met a woman who I had noticed around town ... asked her out ... Date was going great ... and then she spills, in six months she's leaving town for a new career.

 

Stunned ... asked her why ... she said life just wasn't working out here like she wanted ... Plus the new location across the country was where she needed to be to make a career change.

 

She and I talked about openly about what to do ... We liked each other ... but knew we were in for major heartbreak ...

 

Both of use ended up saying let's go for it! The time together was just so good and so much fun ... Mid-way through the six months, we started to discuss the possibility of me moving ... I never thought I would even CONSIDER moving for someone ... But things were really great with her ...

 

Ultimately we broke up ... after she moved, she decided she didn't want me to come out ... But we broke up for reasons other than the relocation ...

 

I say go for it ... You can't predict the future anyway ... Today, I'm actually beginning to be buddies with this person ... we email every few months ... and my relationship with her ... and yes, the breakup ... helped me learn a lot about relationships ... things I would not have learned otherwise.

 

So despite the breakup, dating this person actually proved to be one of the most healing and helpful dating experiences I've had. Basically when she explained why she wanted to break up, she helped me see things that I had totally missed in our relationship ... and which I had missed in past relationships ...

 

Bottom line: I came out way way ahead ... And the irony: it wouldn't have worked out had she stayed anyway.

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Been back and forth all week and all night.

 

If the next few months weren't such an important time for me ( take a licensing exam for work), I would risk it for the experience since I have always played it safe and it will definitely expand my horizons.

 

Smackie, I'veseenbetterlol and D0nnivaine, you allare right! If it's causing such confusion in me now, I obviously can't separate myself. Given how important this time is for me, I should cut my losses and run!

 

 

Lotsgoingon and salparadise, I want to be brave and experience it and thank you for sharing your experiences ( I have not doubt, it would be an unforgettable learning experience for me, but it's too dangerous right now).

 

alphamale, I wish it would turn out like that. I doubt when I talk to him on Monday, he would want to do long distance. And I google, it's actualy 5.5 hrs driving.

 

 

Wish me luck next wk when I talk to him and have my heart semi-broke!

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Been back and forth all week and all night.

 

If the next few months weren't such an important time for me ( take a licensing exam for work), I would risk it for the experience since I have always played it safe and it will definitely expand my horizons.

 

Smackie, I'veseenbetterlol and D0nnivaine, you allare right! If it's causing such confusion in me now, I obviously can't separate myself. Given how important this time is for me, I should cut my losses and run!

 

 

Lotsgoingon and salparadise, I want to be brave and experience it and thank you for sharing your experiences ( I have not doubt, it would be an unforgettable learning experience for me, but it's too dangerous right now).

 

alphamale, I wish it would turn out like that. I doubt when I talk to him on Monday, he would want to do long distance. And I google, it's actualy 5.5 hrs driving.

 

 

Wish me luck next wk when I talk to him and have my heart semi-broke!

 

good luck :)

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Lotsgoingon

If it feels emotionally unsafe to proceed, totally reason to back off.

 

Protect your safety first ....

 

In my case, we both had been out of relationships for a while and had no pressing emergencies or exams, etc ... so we felt safe taking the leap.

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If the next few months weren't such an important time for me ( take a licensing exam for work), I would risk it for the experience since I have always played it safe and it will definitely expand my horizons.

 

Smackie, I'veseenbetterlol and D0nnivaine, you allare right! If it's causing such confusion in me now, I obviously can't separate myself. Given how important this time is for me, I should cut my losses and run!

 

Wish me luck next wk when I talk to him and have my heart semi-broke!

 

Good luck. With this important exam looming now is not the time for an emotional roller coaster. Cut it off. Console yourself with studying. Ace your licensing exam & then celebrate by finding a new local person who is staying put to date.

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Millie the Cat

Honestly you said he is hinting that he just wants to enjoy the moment now, until he moves, not wanting to continue with a long distance relationship once he moves.

Since he is the one moving, I would leave it to him to initiate a talk about if he wants a serious relationship that continues after he moves. Since he has hinted that he doesn't want that, it doesn't look good for you.

I woud cut my losses now. Perhaps you pulling away now will make him realize he DOES want you, or things will fade off between you, which will be good for you anyway to be able to let him go.

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so... I suck!

 

Went to dinner with him and he decided to order a bottle of wine at his favorite restaurant along with dinner. we chatted since the wait staff keep coming up and the wine specialist came by while he select the wine. By the time dinner started and we were left alone, I already feel the wine ( lightweight I know) and so not the best time to bring it up. After dinner I suggest we take a walk and I hinted that we should talk about what happens when he leaves. He said there is 2 months ( eyebrow raise, he said 1.5 months before) and to see where it goes. I didn't push it since I can still feel the wine and I refuse to say anything I don't mean.

 

Throughout dinner, he talk about other dates, things we should do, double dates....

 

 

I suck! BUT next time!!! I am going to do it! I swear!:(

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You don't suck. You like him. Your head & heart are conflicted. With a little help from the wine & the romantic setting you let your heart win this time.

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Hi there :) I don't mean to rain on your parade but just want to offer a point of view bc I myself moved to another city while kinda sota dating someone in my hometown...

 

A month and a half, even 2-3 months, is not a long time for most people to want to commit to someone knowing they are moving long distance. I feel like he may move and text you things while he's lonely (it is very lonely at first) but once he gets to know his new environment he is going to be excited about new things to do, new friends and, sorry to say, new dating prospects.

 

I may be wrong but I doubt he's taking things so serious right now knowing he's leaving. Does he still go on the dating app?

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It sounds like you're talking yourself into something that, in the end, neither of you have spend any appreciable amount of time investing in before he leaves.

 

Having a 6 week involvement isn't a strong enough foundation for you to build anything upon. Frankly, he should have said something up front to you about him just looking for casual because this isn't something that sprang up out of the blue--he's been making plans on this long before either of you swiped right on the app. It's extremely rare that someone just ups and moves their lives with no planning whatsoever.

 

I'd scale back my expectations on this. His whole world is now going to be about closing down his life where he's living, getting moved and then acclimated to his new life and none of that allows for the kind of investment in relationship that is fair to both parties.

 

Remember: expectations are future resentments under construction.

Edited by kendahke
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