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Did I do something wrong...too smothering?


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We have been dating 3 years. We have met each other’s kids and family. Our schedules don’t allow for tons of together, however we see each other once a week and usually every other weekend. We sometimes hang out together with our kids.

 

A couple of days ago he was out drinking, and we were going to see each other. I called him and asked where we should meet. He seemed to get annoyed with me, and said I always ask him that. I was 45 minutes away and he said he didn’t know where he would be in 45 minutes. He said I am always planning and I am minute-by-minute girl who needs to know exactly what we are doing. He is more of a go with the flow kind of guy. I was mostly confused at his frustration with me. I only asked a question. He says I ask him often where we should meet. He said he is worried that I plan too much.

 

So we meet up at his house. He tells me a story about his friend who is having relationship troubles. Then he proceeds to tell me “this is why I don’t ever want to get married again” and then he continues to say I am smothering him. When we first were dating our weekends didn’t match up. Now that they do we usually spend them together. He said when we first started having our weekends match we said we would have one day to ourselves and one day with each other. Then as time went on we started getting together both days. When you look at the whole month we see each other about 10-12 days, give or take a few.

 

I told him I would give him space. This would be our weekend together, but we haven’t really talked for a couple of days besides a couple of texts about our day.

 

In the past I have talked about getting together more often and he always agreed with me. He often invites me along on the days his has his kids too without me asking to come. A couple of times we talked about moving in together in a few years.

 

Am I too being clingy? Do you think I scared him off with asking him to get together more? We usually text everyday and talk on the phone every other day. I am getting a strange vibe from him and not sure what I should do.

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You are far from clingy.

 

The reason I say that is because...well...you've been dating for 3 freakin' years. That's a long time to invest in someone.

 

The fact that you don't communicate everyday is a bad sign. Especially for 3 years. The relationship should have been progressing, but it seems to be that is has stayed constant.

 

Maybe back off a bit, see how he'll react but honestly this may be an issue of compatibility.

 

Some people want that constant connection. Others want their space. Unless you're blowing up his phone, always asking where he is and why he isn't responding, I don't think you're wrong to feel unnerved. I would want to speak with my significant other everyday as well.

 

And if he's not planning on marrying anyone, or you - then what's the point? You know it's going to end eventually, and you'll end up alone, so why not stop the madness now?

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I am not looking to remarry, however I want a commitment. I do want to live together. I enjoy having someone to wake up next to, spend time with, and grow older with.

 

I want the relationship to progress, but I am uncertain if he wants the same thing. I have asked him and he always agreed that he wants to spend more time together. Then out of the blue this past week, he says I am smothering him. I asked him if he wants to break up. It seems to me that he what he wants, but he never said he did. I don’t know if he drank too much. I am sure if he misses time with his friends, but he gets that too. I am just so confused and he really isn’t talking to me right now. I just know if I should contact him and ask or just leave him alone for now.

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Sounds like things are winding down and he's considering ending the relationship.

 

 

All you can do is back off and give him space.

 

 

 

Let him contact you don't call or text him if you haven't heard from him.

 

 

If things fall all the way off and he disappears then you know it's where his head is at.

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OatsAndHall

No, I don't find your behavior clingy, whatsoever.. You're just trying to solidify plans so that you don't waste your own time. I dated a woman recently who was also a "go-with-the-flow" type of individual until I "went with the flow" one Saturday and she hung around her house waiting for me. She didn't want to make any concrete plans that day (typical of her..), I didn't hear from here by 9am in the morning so I went fishing all day and didn't bring my phone with me. I finally checked my phone at around 6pm that night, she was had bombarded me with texts and was irate that she hadn't heard from me. I calmly stated that we needed to make set plans in the future but she was angry. So.. Instead of getting a free dinner, she ended up with a "Good-bye, I wish you the best, text".

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You are far far from being cligny.

 

 

 

May I ask how long he had been single when you started dating?

 

 

I find it interesting that his blow out was synchronized with his friend having relationship problems. It sounds like he's wishing to be single again.

 

 

 

Do not contact him, let him be and when he calls you back he better have an apology ready for his words and attitude toward you. I'd keep him on ice till he apologizes.

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The writing is on the wall...there is no future for this relationship. He's wanting out but is being passive/aggressive about it. He's forewarning you with these comments that it's coming.

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It doesn't sound like he's invested in the relationship anymore. He's likely just coasting and sending you passive signals that he's not in this anymore i.e his friend having relationship problems. The big sign is when they just want to go with the flow. That's an indication that they're halfhearted about it all and really couldn't be bothered to make an effort anymore.

 

You've been with him for three years -- it looks like it is regressing.

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I agree with the other responses. You are hardly being smothering but since he's complaining about it, he feels smothered. He's looking for day light. You are looking to deepen your connection. Alas the one who wants out gets what they want. In your shoes I'd just leave with dignity.

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He was separated when we started dating so that could be a big problem. He never had the chance to be single again. Maybe now he regrets that. I am just so sad that it seemed to come out of the blue, at least for me. We have plans for a vacation with his family in August, a baseball game with his family in July.

 

If he is truly unhappy I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just break up with me. He seems to find a lame excuse like “you plan things all the time and I don’t like that.” Instead of talking about it and compromising his issues with me or our relationship, it seems as if he wants out. He never said that but that is what I think is coming.

 

Why would he seem happy one day, telling me he loves me, calling me, and then the next totally change his tune? That is what is making me so frustrated.

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He was separated when we started dating so that could be a big problem. He never had the chance to be single again.

 

That's why it's important not to date people freshly out of marriages/relationships. It feels good to them at first because they need that band-aid but once they're back on their feet the band-aid isn't needed anymore.

 

His behavior seems to have changed recently. I think he's coming to the realization he needs to be alone and not deal with a gf. He is not breaking up because he fears being alone will feel worst and he won't have regular sex. Believe me, men do think that way.

 

Consider breaking up before he does. This way you leave with your head high. I am afraid if you remain in this relationship he'll end up finding someone else before breaking up with you.

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I questioned myself going into it. Is this the right thing? Will he eventually realize he doesn’t want a relationship? But after our first year together everything was great. We didn’t rush into meeting family. We waited to introduce each other to the kids.

 

I am concerned that talking to his friend made him question us. I feel like it was so sudden, and I am kind of in disbelief. I know I need to give the space he wants, but I am finding that difficult. I had to do that before when I got divorced and it was one of the hardest times in my life. I am really not looking forward to doing it again.

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Lotsgoingon

No ... talking to a friend doesn't create this distance.

 

One event doesn't create this distance.

 

He was always kinda ambivalent, it seems to me.

 

That you're having to ask to spend more time together--bad sign ...

 

Lots of guys are wimps ... and won't directly break up ... but instead will invent all kinds of reasons and explanations of what you are doing wrong. So you don't want to take his words literally.

 

The lack of every-day talk/text three years into the relationship ... that's the sign ... that's the red flag ... that's the distance ... you don't need any other fact or reason ... nothing you're doing wrong ... But you are getting a loud and clear signal from him ... He does not want to get closer. In fact, he's pushing you away ...

 

It's painful ... but if he doesn't want to get closer now ... then he'll never want to do so ... and no, he's not going to want to move in together ...

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I guess I should have seen the red flags. I always had to intitate the conversation to spend more time together. I am just so so sad.

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Lotsgoingon

I hear you ... it is sad ... more than sad if you had your heart into the relationship.

 

But the sooner you face this, the better ... Nothing worse than holding on to a relationship in which you are taking all the initiative to get together. Most likely there are other imbalances in the relationship and you are at the short end of nearly all of them. I'd bet money that you take his ideas into consideration more than he takes your ideas and feelings into consideration.

 

And remember: even if you happened to somehow convince him to move in together, that won't solve the problem of unavailability either.

 

People make the mistake of thinking that moving in together ... or even getting married ... will solve intimacy-distance problems. Doesn't.

 

Person just disappears and stays away from home ... and sets up emotional distance even when you're with them.

 

You deserve better. Hang in there.

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Lotsgoingon

I hear you ... takes a while for the heart to shift ... even when the brain knows the relationship isn't working.

 

But ... there isn't necessarily any rush. You can use this time to be a bit more assertive and conscious ... and you will allow your heart time to catch up to your head ...

 

And don't be afraid of anger ... Anger does have its constructive use ... I'm not talking about lashing out at someone ... but anger at the relationship ... at a person not reaching out to you as much as you reach out to them ... Anger helps us develop backbone for asking for more, for demanding better treatment.

 

In fact, sometimes we let unequal relationships go on ... because we run from anger ... anger that can help us stand up for ourselves ... anger that says I'm worth more than I'm getting from this relationship ...

 

Of course, anger can go too far ... but so can emotions of all kinds.

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I hate having to break up with him. I know it is the right thing to do, but my heart is not ready yet to give up.

 

 

Oh dear, we've all been there at some point in our life. When you are ready to move on nothing will hold you back, not even loving him. You need to come to the realization that there are plenty of men out there that will offer you the relationship and love you are looking for yourself.

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He often goes out at night and drinks. It is about 4 days a week. I always ask him to text me when he gets home safely. Do you think that could be the issue?

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He often goes out at night and drinks. It is about 4 days a week. I always ask him to text me when he gets home safely. Do you think that could be the issue?

 

 

The issue is he's an alcoholic. Does he drink and drive also?

 

 

 

Yes it could be annoying always having to report to you. I don't see it being a reason to blow out at you.

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mortensorchid

I am sorry to read this. I have realized in the last few years that the major problem that a lot of people have (myself included) is that they end up with people who will not make a commitment to others. I wonder why, in that the person in question 90% of the time will rebound and bounce to the next one that comes along, who turns out to be the wrong person. In typical rebound fashion, they are so eager to have someone in their lives that they jump in without thinking or overlook red flags, or think that because they attracted someone as great as you that they can have the same thing with the next person. Which they can't because they are with a different person, it's different every time because they bring different things to the table, and they are vain and self centered that way.

 

If I had the answer I would tell you what it is, but I don't have it. I've just decided I don't date anymore and I'm not going to try anymore because I am tired of being hurt or disappointed in others.

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He says he is ok to drive or he will get an Uber. However there are times he will call me in the middle of the night when he is driving home. He thinks it makes him safer. I don’t want to be annoying. That was never my intent. I was worried about him. He doesn’t just have a few. He has more so I was always concerned that he made it home. Maybe I drove him away.

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MLT: You got attached to the wrong man.

 

He is a commitment phobe and we're learning he's probably an alcoholic. Chasing him away is a blessing in disguise.

 

He drives under the influence of alcohol and on top of that he calls you while driving as if adding distraction to his drunken driving was helping. Eventually he will kill or injure someone. I don't understand women that accept that type of behavior from men they date.

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At the beginning of our relationship he wasn’t this way or he hid it from me. I noticed he drank but it wasn’t excessive. Then I fell in love with him, and I talked to him about it. However he isn’t going to change his ways. It is difficult being in love with someone who may be an alcoholic.

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Lotsgoingon

Listen: quit all this self-questioning.

 

You just asked if worrying about him driving drunk could have bothered him ... Excuse me ... he shouldn't be driving drunk ... more precisely ... shouldn't be driving after four drinks ... i don't care how "sober" he appears ....

 

You expressing a concern is what partners do ... you're digging for ways to justify turning him off ... you've yet to come up with anything you've done that would "explain" him ...

 

You don't need to explain him ... Just evaluate: he's not treating you like you want to be treated. Period.

 

I admit: I've done this ... it's based on a fantasy ... that if only you hadn't done X, then maybe then maybe they wouldn't have lost interest in me ...

 

Not necessarily true at all. You've not presented a single action that you've done that seems out of place--not one ... We can't make others treat us better. We haven't discovered that yet as a species ... The best we can do is limit the damage of people who would treat us poorly by not committing to them ... or de-committing as soon as we can.

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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