Really like this girl but wow this situation is stressful

[cereal_dater]

This situation can't be healthy. It basically feels like my happiness has become contingent on how things are going with her. Sometimes it consumes my thoughts much of the day when I'm left in doubt.

 

This girl is late 20's and presented herself as an inexperienced slow moving no sex until marriage type. Claims she's been alone so long doesn't know if she can love or let someone in. Doesn't display feelings normally. Very friendly but aloof. Will hardly let me touch her let alone kiss her.

 

We've been hanging out six months. Amazing chemistry and really enjoy each others company. I've been patient and respected her wishes (other than some occasional heavy flirting ) because we click that well. Playing things cool but been open and honest about my feelings with her. I really love being around her.

 

It's been a rollercoaster ride though. I swear things come in periods, going great for 2-3 weeks, she's sending texts pretty often, willing to give things a chance, drops bold statements like "met a guy who is everything I'm looking for and it scares me" last month, then cools down or sweeps the rug back out if things move too quick or serious. So suddenly we might not text much for a week or two, she doesn't initiate, an occasional evening text might go unanswered until the next day leaving me worried I've been ghosted. Didn't speak for 2-3 weeks back in March because she unexpectedly pulled way back.

 

She's hot/cold and unpredictable. Odd behavior and quirks. My friend think she's crazy or has mood disorders. Hard to explain. I can't put into words how the ups and downs have sucked me into this situation. I get anxiety just sending a text; is it written exactly perfect, when will she reply, what if she doesn't reply, etc.

 

Says she wants start as friends to build trust before investing emotionally. Does make herself available most of the time and is always seems excited to see me.

 

Doesn't shut me down but keeps me at arms length with the hint of more looming someday. It's mentally exhausting but I like her company too much to walk away. Spent about 7 hours with her last Sunday and we even talked about going to Europe together.

 

Then at dinner a few hours later I made a dumb comment about splitting the bill that upset her, thought we smoothed it out driving home, saying goodbye she reaffirmed how much she enjoys our time together and doesn't hang out with other guys this way. Texted "don't worry I'm over it" when she got home, all seemed well, but didn't return a short text Tues and now it feels like I'm back on the rollercoaster of uncertainty.

 

 

 

What to do about this entire situation?

Edited June 15, 2018 by cereal_dater

[basil67]

What to do? Move on and find a woman who doesn't drive you nuts. Unless you secretly enjoy this rollercoaster, you can do better.

 

BTW, when you made the comment about splitting the bill and she got upset, I hope you gave it back to her. Wanna be friends...but you pay for me. Yeah....nah.

[kassy]

Sounds exhausting. It sounds like you have a friend who makes you very anxious, stressed and walking on eggshells.

 

Move on. She has so many issues, how does this even turn into a healthy loving relationship??

 

Just cut your losses and move on.

 

Sorry it hasn't worked out.

[BaileyB]

In attachment theory, there are different kinds of attachment.

 

There are those who have a secure attachment (ex. their parents respond when they need them).

 

There are others who form an insecure attachment (ex. they do not learn to trust because their parents are negligent and never respond when they need them).

 

But, the children who have the most difficulty trusting and forming healthy attachments are those whose form inconsistent attachment (ex. sometimes, their parents are there to provide for their needs, but not all the time). They do worse than those who are neglected or abused by their parents!

 

I would suggest that you are in a relationship like the last example. It's very difficult to form an attachment and build a relationship with an individual who is inconsistent. The hot and cold spells will drive you crazy because you just never know what to expect - evidenced by the fact that you feel anxious when you text her. I would probably let her go... You want to find someone who is more consistent if you want to enjoy a healthy and happy relationship.

Edited June 15, 2018 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

Late 20s virgins by choice often have really screwed up views on sex. She may be equally frigid after marriage & only see sex as her wifely duty, not something to be enjoyed.

 

Be careful about thinking you have chemistry. What I see is you experiencing lust & her exhibiting fear.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wisdom of experience:

 

If hanging with or dating someone is stressful ... stop the hanging or dating.

 

Young people tend to think, "Oh ... I can adjust to the stress. Maybe there's a way I can see this differently."

 

Uh no ... if you're stressed that's 99 percent of the time, something is off ... being with this person does not feel comfortable. You are who you are ... Maybe in 20 years you could be the person who isn't stressed by this person's behavior. But as you are now, you are stressed.

 

Let go ... If the ride is this rocky and weird at the start, it'll only get worse.

[CaramelQueen]

I personally think you should completely move on. I just got out of a situation because it started making me feel the same way. Completely unhealthy on my end.. overanalyzing..waiting anxiously for a text. They give you crumbs or just enough to keep you thinking they may be interested in something more...but it's never enough and it's only to keep you around. Find someone as equally invested in you as you are in them you deserve better.

[smackie9]

You can't fix this or change this situation...she is how she is. Always go by their actions not what they say....she's keeping you are arms length and you don't like it....so ask yourself, why put up with it? Be confident and move on.

[Macaronie]

She sounds like how I act, except I would be sleeping with you, LOL. Her problems might be due to the same reasons I have to blowing hot and cold. She loves the idea of a relationship but then hates the amount of time and effort it takes to keep a relationship going, and also the smothering effect it can have on your daily life.

 

It might be different for her but I bet at least one of these reasons rings true for her.

[cereal_dater]

Thanks for the replies--

 

It's easy to say "move on" but when you have months of vested feelings and emotions it's much easier said than done.

 

And what I mean is, I know moving on is probably the best option for my sanity, but then I start second guessing with thoughts like "what if" she opens up as we build trust, and "what about" throwing away our plans of summer adventure and future travel, etc, etc. The last few times we saw each other we discussed ideas for bold adventurous summer activities that would be new experiences for us both. Thought of losing that with her stings hard!

 

We also have some common interests I never thought I'd find in a potential partner. Throw in similar life goals, values and morals. I remember the first date texting my best friend from the restroom "just met my future wife". Our connection sure felt like that. But then again, I typed that then suddenly realized she's so reserved with her feelings, I don't even know how she really feels about me.

 

Perhaps the best thing for me is to take a step back from the situation without completely writing her off, emotionally detach somewhat, but I'm not sure exactly how to do that. Or maybe I'm just making excuses and need to realize I've invested 6 months into a girl who will hardly let me touch her, can hardly get a straight answer out of, and might not even like me romantically.

Edited June 16, 2018 by cereal_dater

[Gaeta]

Thanks for the replies--

 

It's easy to say "move on" but when you have months of vested feelings and emotions it's much easier said than done.

 

 

6 months is a drop in the ocean. It will have no incidence in your life to drop her. There are 100s of women out there that would be compatible with you and share similar interests. She's torturing you and you think it's amazing, imagine how wonderful life would be if you'd date someone that loved you as much as you love them.

 

 

 

She is scared of kissing for goodness sake! She won't like sex and she'll leave you starving for more all the time.

[Art_Critic]

The roller coaster is you being back burnered because she is multi-dating others, then she brings you into the forefront for a couple of weeks till she dates another...

 

Second best is never a good strong place to be... IMO she will move on from you as soon as she replaces you or finds the guy who trips her trigger

[act00]

I understand your feelings and your dilemma. You decided early on that she is IT, and then you got to know her better. It's been six months...SIX MONTHS, half a year, and there has been zero progression into anything romantic. No kissing. No passion. Not even holding hands?? Sure some "heavy flirting" and damn if you're not expected to foot the bill in dating and courtship, but this has gone NOWHERE.

 

Start off slow and as friends? Fine, but you'd think after a month of dating, you'd get some kissing. There has to be progression. In your case, there is not...other than some words and texts stating you're "the perfect guy."

 

Every one of us has felt like they've met "the one" on a first date...and then you realize things are not adding up. It is very, very difficult to let go when you're stuck on that first impression and how well things went those first few dates or first few weeks/months, but you just have to realize the good parts do not make the bad parts worth it. When 80% of your thoughts and emotions are revolving around fear, anxiety, hurt, and confusion, there is something seriously wrong...and you deserve so much better.

 

I agree, she's got some backwards thinking about sex and possibly some serious aversion to it, which will not bode well to your sexual future with your wife...and you can't even get affection out of her...basic affection or kissing. Not good.

 

She has "quirks" and your friend thinks she has a mood disorder...you notice this too, but your blinders are still on. It's hard to see warning signs through your rose-colored glasses. There is a REASON she has not had a serious relationship as she pushes 30. I don't know if she's capable of having a relationship.

 

She likes having you around when she's feeling up to it. She likes the IDEA of marriage. She likes the attention and the "dates." She doesn't have the emotional capacity to DO it...to advance to something more...marriage.

 

It's time to break this off. You can't be her friend and you can't be more than a friend either. I can understand building a friendship first, but again, there has to be progression...and six months later, you can't even really touch her. Red flags. There's something wrong with her.

 

Here's the deal. At late 20's, pushing 30, biological clock ticking, it's the loss of a potential mate (many) due to HER BEHAVIORS that is MAYBE going cause her to realize she has issues, and seek therapy for it. Maybe. You don't want to be the experiment here.

 

If a relationship is causing this much anxiety and pain, you've got to walk away from it. Sorry, but you just do. There is no "what if." "What if" will never happen. It's been six months. She likes the dates and the activities...of which you pay...and not having to go further because wants to "wait until marriage" and be "friends" first. I hazard a guess that if you started behaving towards her as "friends only" and started insisting on going dutch for these activities you enjoy together, she'll be out the door.

[GemmaUK]

Are you also a no sex until marriage guy and are you a virgin also?

[fredflint]

Seriously man, wake up. This woman has you wrapped around her little finger. The way she is managing this relationship is cruel. And you are being a sap for putting up with it. You say there is chemistry, but she hardly lets you touch her. That's not chemistry! You are in the friend zone!

 

She's using you for attention and company, and possibly money too if she refuses to split bills. She's not hot for you and she doesn't love you.

 

If all this is enough for you, fine go ahead. But every hour you spend with her is an hour where you lose the chance to find someone who loves you.

 

Dump her, like yesterday, and don't look back. She will never be the one for you.

[smackie9]

I agree you are totally friend zoned. She keeps dangling that carrot so she doesn't lose your attention.

 

 

 

I suspect she has sex/relationship anxiety. I doubt this will ever progress to a real relationship or marriage. She is going to be single forever because that is what she is comfortable with. I know a few people who are like this and they are in their 40's...still single, and can't be bothered to date or have a relationship.

Edited June 16, 2018 by smackie9

[Kelliousme]

Wow.. I seriously wonder how you do it. I would hate being romantically involved with someone who drives you crazy like a roller coaster ride. The whole hot and cold situation is already a... HUGE.. NOPE!!!!

Seriously though, if you move on and find someone who's compatible and ACTUALLY wants to be with you.. you'll be so glad when you look back. There are no "what ifs", if she's not giving you what you want right now even if it's due to her insecurity, just drop her. Not worth your time. You deserve a lot better.

[Mysterio]

Stay friends. Nothing wrong with that. No taking her out on any dates. Its splitting the bill all the way.

 

Spend less time with her and its more like lets take a walk, than high on the hog Resturants.

[cereal_dater]

I agree you are totally friend zoned. She keeps dangling that carrot so she doesn't lose your attention.

 

I suspect she has sex/relationship anxiety. I doubt this will ever progress to a real relationship or marriage. She is going to be single forever because that is what she is comfortable with. I know a few people who are like this and they are in their 40's...still single, and can't be bothered to date or have a relationship.

 

The friendzone seems to depend how hard I push. Last Sunday we talked about "us" and I put some pressure on which pushed her to "want to be friends first, don't want anyone to like me right now, etc". The weeks prior we'd been hanging out, just having fun without much serious talk, and it was "I'm open to more but don't know how long it will take me to get there" and would drop obvious hints over text that she was interested but it would take time and patience on both our parts. It can all change from day-to-day so you never know what to think or believe.

 

You are correct in that she's said almost from the start she has been single for so long she doesn't know if she can "let anyone else in". My friend who has been following the situation thinks she basically wants a relationship but to call it friendship for trust and comfort.

 

 

The roller coaster is you being back burnered because she is multi-dating others, then she brings you into the forefront for a couple of weeks till she dates another...

 

Second best is never a good strong place to be... IMO she will move on from you as soon as she replaces you or finds the guy who trips her trigger

 

You may be correct. However, when saying goodbye last Sunday, she reiterated how much she enjoys my company, has always made excuses to see me because of it, and then told me "I don't hang out with other guys the way I hang out with you" and explains the only other time she see's other men is for business or work. She had told me early on she was aloof with strange men. Again.. you could be right.. but this is the stuff she tells me.

 

She's using you for attention and company, and possibly money too if she refuses to split bills.

 

We usually do cheap fun stuff which I usually pay because its a few dollars here or there, no big deal. What upset her was she wanted to split the check and I said something like "that's fine since I always pay". She interpreted that as she owes me, depends on me, and isn't true because she has offered to pay a bunch of times but I don't let her. She got pretty emotional saying it was her worst fear and I still don't know how much "damage" it did.

Edited June 16, 2018 by cereal_dater

[fredflint]

We usually do cheap fun stuff which I usually pay because its a few dollars here or there, no big deal. What upset her was she wanted to split the check and I said something like "that's fine since I always pay". She interpreted that as she owes me, depends on me, and isn't true because she has offered to pay a bunch of times but I don't let her. She got pretty emotional saying it was her worst fear and I still don't know how much "damage" it did.

 

She's either too dramatic or she is manipulating you. Possibly both. It's working out well for her while you're always turning down her offers to pay, right? And the first time you accept she acts like this? She's bad news. She's just using you.

[cereal_dater]

She's either too dramatic or she is manipulating you. Possibly both. It's working out well for her while you're always turning down her offers to pay, right? And the first time you accept she acts like this? She's bad news. She's just using you.

 

The stuff I buy is an ice cream here, starbucks there, etc. Couple times I've said "I'll get this, if you get that". We went out for dinner two weeks ago and I told her to throw some cash in because the bill was pricy. Otherwise we don't do expensive stuff and I definitely don't buy her gifts or anything. Our hangouts has been more about spending time together, having fun conversations, driving to interesting places, biking around, etc.