No contact after sex

[Marley Rizzla]

I met this guy through a dating app (Tinder) and we went out twice. The sexual tension between us was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I restrained myself with difficulty on the first date because I didn't want to jump into bed right away. He contacted me two days later to schedule another date. By the end of our second date I honestly couldn't resist any more so we went back to my place and had amazing, mindblowing sex. I want to believe that I'm not so misguided as to believe that he really -REALLY- enjoyed it (as much as I did) when he didn't. I think the sentiment was mutual.

 

He left afterwards (not in a hurry, not turning cold immediately after) but with the "promise" that we'd talk again. We didn't have "the talk" about what each other expects. Personally, I want to keep casually meeting him (at least right now) and the chemistry in bed was unbelievable. But! It's been a week and no text from him and I don't know how to interpret that... It's been a while since I've had so much chemistry with someone in bed and I guess it's hard to let go and stop thinking about him. And the sex. And the night in general.

 

 

My intentions are clear. I want casual sex. I want to have the amazing time we had last week again. He may not (most certainly doesn't) know my intentions however and I have no idea what it meant for him. But the silence is "defeaning."

 

Should I at least make an effort to contact him? And if so, how much longer should I wait before initiating contact myself? Or take his silence as a message that it was a one time thing for him and move on? Being clingy after sex is a real fear and I don't want to present an image that doesn't correspond with my intentions.

 

Any advice?

 

 

Please note that I don't regret sleeping with him. It was an amazing experience. I do not feel used. I wasn't pressured into it. I had no other intentions in mind, just wanted to have fun.

 

 

Thank you!

Edited June 13, 2018 by Marley Rizzla

[PegNosePete]

Maybe he is sitting at home thinking exactly the same, that he hasn't heard from you?

 

Just call or text him and say thanks for the great time, and you're up for more if he is. If he doesn't reply you know where you stand. If he does, you know where you stand. Sounds like win-win to me.

 

Don't stress the silly little details about how long to wait or any of that rubbish. If he wants to meet again, none of that trash will matter.

[Marley Rizzla]

Maybe he is sitting at home thinking exactly the same, that he hasn't heard from you?

 

Just call or text him and say thanks for the great time, and you're up for more if he is. If he doesn't reply you know where you stand. If he does, you know where you stand. Sounds like win-win to me.

 

Don't stress the silly little details about how long to wait or any of that rubbish. If he wants to meet again, none of that trash will matter.

 

 

Thank you for replying, PegNosePete

 

Maybe I am overcomplicating things.

 

I am just fighting with my ego at this point. He was very eager and quick to contact me after our first date, but once he got "what he wanted" he dropped off the radar. The message I get from that is: He isn't interested in keeping any sort of casual or non-casual relationship with me, regardless of intentions or feelings. My pride is making it hard for me to text first because if he is not willing to "lay claim" (sorry if I'm misusing the word, non-native speaker here) to more time of my life, then why should I? I could go out and meet someone else if I wanted to, so why bother with someone who doesn't bother with me?

 

Again, regardless of feelings, I do want to feel like he wants to spend more time with me and since he hasn't so far then screw him, I guess?

 

I haven't stopped using Tinder and I did go out on another date but it didn't click, and my previous Tinder dates didn't really click, like with this guy, either. I have put more energy and thought in him than my other dates because they were simply okay and with him it was WOW.

 

 

 

Anyways, thank you, PegNosePete. Maybe I needed to hear that there might another reason why he hasn't contacted me, other than not being interested. And that it's not such a bad thing to put my pride aside and make the first move.

[stillafool]

I don't understand you said you just want a casual relationship with him that includes sex. Yet your feelings are hurt because he isn't contacting you first. If it's sex you want contact him and ask him to be a FWB. He's probably good in bed and clueless of how you feel about wanting more of it. Just contact him and tell him what you want.

[Marley Rizzla]

I don't understand you said you just want a casual relationship with him that includes sex. Yet your feelings are hurt because he isn't contacting you first. If it's sex you want contact him and ask him to be a FWB. He's probably good in bed and clueless of how you feel about wanting more of it. Just contact him and tell him what you want.

 

 

Aaah yes, it's my ego that is mostly hurt. In the "Why isn't this man pursuing me, since we had such a good time, and why should I be the one pursuing him?" Old-fashioned perhaps... And the notion that: The man should be the one to contact a woman if he wants more sex with her. And also the fear that I might be clingy or needy if I make the first move after sex, fear of it being the wrong move in general (like, a woman should never ever be the first to contact the guy after sex), because if he wanted more, he would have reached out, right? He didn't, so he's not interested. It doesn't occur to me, or it didn't anyway, that he might be waiting for the same as well? I guess... Thank you for replying stillafool.

My friends, who I've asked for advice on this, only reinforced my unwillingness to text him, so I wanted to hear someone else's opinion on the matter. Someone who's on the outside and sees things more clearly than me.

[Marley Rizzla]

The question that's bugging me the most is: Who should be the first to contact the other after sex? The girl or the guy? What is the socially acceptable norm? Because in my head, it's the guy who should contact first because the girl will always -no matter what- appear desperate, but maybe times have changed?

[stillafool]

I think you may be fooling yourself that you only want casual sex with this guy or you wouldn't worry about being clingy and needy since you wouldn't be in a relationship anyway. Really decide what it is you're looking for; because I don't think it's just casual sex.

[Marley Rizzla]

I think you may be fooling yourself that you only want casual sex with this guy or you wouldn't worry about being clingy and needy since you wouldn't be in a relationship anyway. Really decide what it is you're looking for; because I don't think it's just casual sex.

 

 

Thank you for continuing this discussion, stillafool! Thank you for your insight. Yes, you are right. If I'm not clingy and needy and don't plan on being clingy and needy, then why am I afraid of appearing that way? That's certainly something I need to think about. Maybe it's that I'm not used to pursuing others and doing so seems like a huge step for me. But thank you, I definitely have to figure out what's really stopping me here.

[lurker74]

Just text him. Say, "Repeat of last week?"

 

If he doesn't respond, then you know that he's moved on and so should you.

[PegNosePete]

The question that's bugging me the most is: Who should be the first to contact the other after sex? The girl or the guy?

Like many things these days, I think you should adopt a gender-neutral approach to this.

 

If you want to see him again, ask. What's the worst that can happen? Fear of rejection. Guys face this all the time. This guy you're talking about has already risked it twice... your turn

[Marley Rizzla]

Just text him. Say, "Repeat of last week?"

 

If he doesn't respond, then you know that he's moved on and so should you.

 

 

Thank you so much for replying lurker74! It should be as simple as you say it. It is as simple as you say it. Thank you. I am thinking too much of social norms on this one and I shouldn't.

[Marley Rizzla]

Like many things these days, I think you should adopt a gender-neutral approach to this.

 

If you want to see him again, ask. What's the worst that can happen? Fear of rejection. Guys face this all the time. This guy you're talking about has already risked it twice... your turn

 

 

Yes, thank you for continuing this discussion PegNosePete. It's as simple as you say it. I will!

[Andy_K]

Just text him. It's not like guys get annoyed about being propositioned for sex.

 

If he had a great time before, chances are he'll be interested in more. Worst case scenario, he either turns you down or doesn't reply, and you've lost nothing.

 

Realise though, that when you have that sort of instant and intense chemistry with a guy, in all likelihood it's not because the two of you have any sort of special connection, it's because he's very good with women in general. If that is the case, he can expect to have any number of girls like yourself vying for his attention.

[smackie9]

I have had a few f buddies in my time......you can make the call, I know I did. It's not about commitment, just hooking up. Keeping things simple, keep your personal feelings and life out of it.

[hippychick3]

Just text him. It's not like guys get annoyed about being propositioned for sex.

 

If he had a great time before, chances are he'll be interested in more. Worst case scenario, he either turns you down or doesn't reply, and you've lost nothing.

 

Realise though, that when you have that sort of instant and intense chemistry with a guy, in all likelihood it's not because the two of you have any sort of special connection, it's because he's very good with women in general. If that is the case, he can expect to have any number of girls like yourself vying for his attention.

 

This is what all women need to understand... until a man falls in love with you, good sex does not equal attachment or strong connection for a man. It’s just good sex. He does not feel any attachment to you and clearly doesn’t feel a strong connection. If he felt any connection and really wanted to see you again, nothing would stop him from contacting you. If you decide to reach out and he responds positively, prepare for this to be a strictly sex-only “relationship.”

[kendahke]

 

 

My intentions are clear. I want casual sex.

 

 

This is what casual sex out of the bed looks like. There is no communication until he feels horny and wants to contact you.

 

Any reason why you haven't contacted him?

[kendahke]

The question that's bugging me the most is: Who should be the first to contact the other after sex? The girl or the guy? What is the socially acceptable norm? Because in my head, it's the guy who should contact first because the girl will always -no matter what- appear desperate, but maybe times have changed?

 

That needs to change and you're going to have to get up off this and contact him.

 

The socially acceptable norm is to not have casual sex in the first place... but seeing that you are, your approach is going to have to get rid of the "traditional" spin you're trying to attach to it.

 

Unless he's looking for a girlfriend, don't expect him to treat with you as if you are one. He found a sex partner, not a girlfriend, and that's how he's treating with you.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're misunderstanding clingy and needy. Clingy-needy is so much more than who calls who the day after ... or how long you wait to call someone. Clingy is the sense we let off ... and that a partner picks up ... that we have nothing else going on in our life ... no individuality ... such that we'll just want to hang with this person all the time.

 

Taking the initiative ... telling someone you would like to sleep with them again ... nothing needy about that ... because it's specific ... you want to sleep with this person based on how good it was the previous time.

 

I pulled away from women after experiences like this ... and ironically it was because I was blown-away by them ... and confused by how much I really liked the person ... So I would go no-contact ... to get my own feelings in control. But at the time, i wouldn't have been able to articulate this for a million dollars.

 

Sent him a note.

 

The other night was fun. Be great to see you again sometime.

 

Nothing clingy there.

 

He says no, he says no. But don't lose out because of some foolish over-calculation of how he might perceive you.

[coolheadal]

I met this guy through a dating app (Tinder) and we went out twice. The sexual tension between us was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I restrained myself with difficulty on the first date because I didn't want to jump into bed right away. He contacted me two days later to schedule another date. By the end of our second date I honestly couldn't resist any more so we went back to my place and had amazing, mindblowing sex. I want to believe that I'm not so misguided as to believe that he really -REALLY- enjoyed it (as much as I did) when he didn't. I think the sentiment was mutual.

 

He left afterwards (not in a hurry, not turning cold immediately after) but with the "promise" that we'd talk again. We didn't have "the talk" about what each other expects. Personally, I want to keep casually meeting him (at least right now) and the chemistry in bed was unbelievable. But! It's been a week and no text from him and I don't know how to interpret that... It's been a while since I've had so much chemistry with someone in bed and I guess it's hard to let go and stop thinking about him. And the sex. And the night in general.

 

 

My intentions are clear. I want casual sex. I want to have the amazing time we had last week again. He may not (most certainly doesn't) know my intentions however and I have no idea what it meant for him. But the silence is "defeaning."

 

Should I at least make an effort to contact him? And if so, how much longer should I wait before initiating contact myself? Or take his silence as a message that it was a one time thing for him and move on? Being clingy after sex is a real fear and I don't want to present an image that doesn't correspond with my intentions.

 

Any advice?

 

 

Please note that I don't regret sleeping with him. It was an amazing experience. I do not feel used. I wasn't pressured into it. I had no other intentions in mind, just wanted to have fun.

 

 

Thank you!

 

No one here to judge you my dear you knew what you wanted casual sex without a relationship sex. Big difference. Also know as quickie (sex). But i am glad you enjoyed it, but that's it one time and more on to the next. That's pretty much how these guys and gals operate today. No one into for the long haul anymore. Drop those panties and briefs and next do your number and smile and say that was really good. Next day is another day and another guy or gal.

 

Rules of the game and hunt were done and completed. So now you want more, it's up to the guy you know. Do you call and find out? Well yeah if you want more of the same. This is just not the way it's suppose to go. Changing the rules of the trade. I don't involve myself in all this but I've know others that engage in this lifestyle. Just know what your getting involve with one night stand type. Not repeaters unless the guy wants too?

[Noproblem]

I feel like, if he wanted more, he would have called you by now.

 

But, why didn't you contact him earlier? It's been a week, he probably has already slept with 2 other girls by now judging by how fast he operated last time.

You met then the second time after 2 days, you had sex, then it was poof, he disappeared.

[Marley Rizzla]

Just text him. It's not like guys get annoyed about being propositioned for sex.

 

If he had a great time before, chances are he'll be interested in more. Worst case scenario, he either turns you down or doesn't reply, and you've lost nothing.

 

Realise though, that when you have that sort of instant and intense chemistry with a guy, in all likelihood it's not because the two of you have any sort of special connection, it's because he's very good with women in general. If that is the case, he can expect to have any number of girls like yourself vying for his attention.

 

 

That is definitely on my mind as well!

[Marley Rizzla]

I have had a few f buddies in my time......you can make the call, I know I did. It's not about commitment, just hooking up. Keeping things simple, keep your personal feelings and life out of it.

 

 

Thank you for your input, Smakie9! I've only been hearing one side of the argument so far (by friends irl) and they've all made it out to be a big deal that I'll make the first move which resulted in reinforcing my own opinion on the matter as well. Thank you, this helps!

[Marley Rizzla]

This is what all women need to understand... until a man falls in love with you, good sex does not equal attachment or strong connection for a man. It’s just good sex. He does not feel any attachment to you and clearly doesn’t feel a strong connection. If he felt any connection and really wanted to see you again, nothing would stop him from contacting you. If you decide to reach out and he responds positively, prepare for this to be a strictly sex-only “relationship.”

 

 

Thank you for replying, Hippychick3. I don't think I ever spoke of a strong connection with him. I did say we had an intense and strong chemistry. Your input really helps put things in perspective though so thank you!

[Marley Rizzla]

This is what casual sex out of the bed looks like. There is no communication until he feels horny and wants to contact you.

 

Any reason why you haven't contacted him?

 

 

That actually makes me feel better, Kendahke!

 

My reason is that by texting first I'll show that I'm more into him that he is into me, I guess, and it puts me in an "inferior" position. Reading the replies and opinions of others, however, is helping me realize that it doesn't necessarily mean that.

[Marley Rizzla]

You're misunderstanding clingy and needy. Clingy-needy is so much more than who calls who the day after ... or how long you wait to call someone. Clingy is the sense we let off ... and that a partner picks up ... that we have nothing else going on in our life ... no individuality ... such that we'll just want to hang with this person all the time.

 

Taking the initiative ... telling someone you would like to sleep with them again ... nothing needy about that ... because it's specific ... you want to sleep with this person based on how good it was the previous time.

 

I pulled away from women after experiences like this ... and ironically it was because I was blown-away by them ... and confused by how much I really liked the person ... So I would go no-contact ... to get my own feelings in control. But at the time, i wouldn't have been able to articulate this for a million dollars.

 

Sent him a note.

 

The other night was fun. Be great to see you again sometime.

 

Nothing clingy there.

 

He says no, he says no. But don't lose out because of some foolish over-calculation of how he might perceive you.

 

 

Lotsgoingon, thank you for your input! This is extremely helpful! All the replies have been positive so far. I've grown up with a certain mentality about how things are supposed to be and it's hard to escape some of the beliefs I harbor, when my close environment is all about the "Don't text him under any circumstances."