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Ex's and social media pics - is there an etiquette?


Trail Blazer

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Trail Blazer

Hi,

 

Some of you may be acquainted with my story, but for those who aren't, I've been separated for 6 months, now in a committed relationship for 3 months and about to get wheels in motion for a divorce.

 

I met my girlfriend on a dating site 4 months ago, and after a week we became friends on Facebook. As most of us do (and if you say you don't you're probably lying lol) with a new partner, we check out their social media pics, often going back a fair way. Human being are a curious bunch, aren't we?

 

So anyway, before I started down the dating path, I removed all the photos I had of myself and my wife, especially profile pictures which date back to 2009 when we got married. Some pics I can't remove, but whatever I'm tagged in, I checked the 'view as' function and the only person who could see the remaining pics were myself.

 

I now ask myself, why? Why did I do it? Well, I guess I figured if I'm going to be dating someone else, then having all these happy snaps over a long period of time, all containing the one woman, might *appear* on the surface that I'm not yet over her.

 

When I met my current girlfriend online, we clicked amazingly. Having had our first date almost 3 months ago, we've been going from strength to strength since. I adore her, she's beautiful, smart, caring... all that kind of stuff. However, before dating her we chatted for a few weeks on messenger, and yeah, I did trawl through her Facebook images when we became friends. She's also done same, which is normal.

 

I want to put it out there that I'm not a jealous or insecure type. I'm pretty level-headed and understanding of others. However, when I saw that nearly half of my girlfriend's profile pics were taken with her ex, mostly in affectionate poses etc, I guess my initial thoughts were that it made me feel a bit uneasy. The fact that the guy was a gym junkie and every second shot had him with his guns showing didn't make me feel threatened, but it did make me wonder, I guess, was there something... anything... that could explain why someone would want that very much at the firefront of their mind?

 

I carried on as per normal, got to know her more, figured out quickly that she was very much over her ex, had at the time been broken up for 16 months, but was also still friends with him on Facebook. The latter is okay I guess, I mean my ex and I are still friends as well, perhaps only because we have kids.

 

The reason I'm bringing it up now, though, 3 months on, is because the other night my girlfriend was going through pics on her Facebook and showing me some old pics, some funny ones from 10 years ago (she's 32) and casually perusing past the multitude of pics of her ex. Okay, so I get it, people have a past.

 

I wouldn't expect her to remove everything about this guy as he's part of the journey she's been on which has made her the person that I've fallen for. But I just wonder if she's considered how having all those pics publicly displayed could a) look to others like myself regarding whether she's over her ex, or b) if I was the jealous/insecure type whether that would impact me at all.

 

It kind of got me wondering, what's the motivation to remove or retain pics of your ex. In a way, is keeping them up a sign of maturity and acceptance of one's past, while demonstrating an ability to get over them? Or is there something tiny, deep down, which pines for the positive aspects of that relationship and the memories thereafter, to never be fully placed in the brain's archive?

 

I'm not necessarily looking for advice on my situation. I'm really not overly fussed as I trust her 100 percent. I was just more curious about what others think and do in situations when they want to start dating again, as this issue would be quite common.

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I just see it as "she's had positive experiences with this person" and leave it at that.

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fieldoflavender

I think it's rude to your current partner. If it's a group shot, then that's okay. But if there's pictures of the ex alone or picture of her with the ex, those should definitely be removed. Some people are just not very considerate, but I would have a major problem with it.

 

Maybe I've had bad break-ups, but I want all the evidence of the person gone after a break up so I can move on. If it was an amicable break up, I still don't want traces on social media.

 

It depends on your preference .Some people don't care or they forget. But if it bothers you, then it should matter to her. It's not about being jealous, it's just rude. I'm not talking about 1 random Facebook picture that she forgot to delete from 7 years ago, but like if there's albums and tons, like wtf. Get over them and then start dating again.

 

If I'm online dating and I check their facebooks and there's more than 1-2 ex pictures, I pretty much don't want to meet them. No time to deal with that b.s. It's just sloppy and who wants that.

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they've only been dating three months, though, and he's in the process of getting a divorce. Kinda soon to be insisting that she remove pictures from her personal page, IMO.

 

if the situation was different (unmarried and dating awhile), I could understand the desire to have her do that, but it sounds like things are still up in the air with both situations involving him. Why *should* she remove photos when their future isn't guaranteed? As I said, just chalk it up to photos of her having had positive experiences with her ex.

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I am more worried about you thinking she is the one after 3 months.

 

This is too soon, too too soon.

 

I bet you felt the same feelings toward your divorcee as well, but then things went south.

 

 

Anyway. As for the photos of her ex. People only remove them if they have a hard breakup or a messy one.

 

People usually don't remove them, if they are still on good terms with their exes, and I think you should've left some of your wife photos as well; she is part of your past and there is nothing can erase that.

 

How would that look to your kids, if you remove their mom's photos like she never even existed?

 

Of course, I am not saying you should have kept them all, but just some of them.

 

Edit: Here is an addition from my friend. In her opinion, she kept her ex on instagram because if she deletes him, he might think she is mad about their break up or he is important while he is not.

Edited by Noproblem
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fieldoflavender

So you guys are saying people NEVER remove them or it depends on timing? I don't think he's wrong for erasing pics of his ex wife - it's done and he's moved on. Whether he's with this new person or not, she's part of his past. Why should she go on his social media? As long as he's not spiteful of her in front of the kids, he shouldn't be expected to pretend that she's still an active part of his life when she evidently isn't.

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Trail Blazer
I am more worried about you thinking she is the one after 3 months.

 

This is too soon, too too soon.

 

I bet you felt the same feelings toward your divorcee as well, but then things went south.

 

 

Anyway. As for the photos of her ex. People only remove them if they have a hard breakup or a messy one.

 

People usually don't remove them, if they are still on good terms with their exes, and I think you should've left some of your wife photos as well; she is part of your past and there is nothing can erase that.

 

How would that look to your kids, if you remove their mom's photos like she never even existed?

 

Of course, I am not saying you should have kept them all, but just some of them.

 

Edit: Here is an addition from my friend. In her opinion, she kept her ex on instagram because if she deletes him, he might think she is mad about their break up or he is important while he is not.

I have never said "she's the one" so I'm not sure where you're getting that from.

 

This relationship and my soon ex wife is very different. It started out differently. Yeah things were better at the start than when they ended. But I was 19 when we met, I'm 33 now and I've learnt a lot about relationships/marriage/kids etc.

 

In any case, this isn't really about me. I'm not insisting she does anything. I come with a lot of baggage that probably bothers her, but it doesn't really bother me that much anyway. Sure, it was slightly confronting when I saw it, but it is okay. She has a history.

 

I'm asking from a general perspective and what others do and how they see it, not opinions about my relationship situation per se.

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I think this is really strange. I can understand a few shots on a vacation or something but not lots of smoochie pics of her with her ex. It’s weird and inappropriate, plus the fact they are still Facebook pals. It would make me uncomfortable especially as she is casually scrolling through them in front of you and not feeling the slightest bit awkward!! Haha!

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Trail Blazer
I think this is really strange. I can understand a few shots on a vacation or something but not lots of smoochie pics of her with her ex. It’s weird and inappropriate, plus the fact they are still Facebook pals. It would make me uncomfortable especially as she is casually scrolling through them in front of you and not feeling the slightest bit awkward!! Haha!

 

She hasn't been with this guy for almost 2 years. To be fair, she also has pics of boyfriends previous to him as well, but they are in albums or pics she's been tagged in, nons are profile pics.

 

The profile pics were a little confronting I guess, but everything about this girl is pretty amazing. I know that she's over all her exes, I guess the fact she's never culled any pics, including lovey dovey (no smoochy) photos from her profile image list is a tad perplexing.

 

To say I'm overly concerned would be incorrect. When she was casually scrolling through the pics, she quickly scrolled through the few interspersed pics of her ex between the multitude of other pics. She didn't make a point of going through them so I could see. It was the exact opposite.

 

My question really is more general than anything. Everyone has different perspectives on things and what one person does for one reason, others have a different view and that's cool. I don't know if there's a right or wrong answer to be honest.

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She hasn't been with this guy for almost 2 years. To be fair, she also has pics of boyfriends previous to him as well, but they are in albums or pics she's been tagged in, nons are profile pics.

 

The profile pics were a little confronting I guess, but everything about this girl is pretty amazing. I know that she's over all her exes, I guess the fact she's never culled any pics, including lovey dovey (no smoochy) photos from her profile image list is a tad perplexing.

 

To say I'm overly concerned would be incorrect. When she was casually scrolling through the pics, she quickly scrolled through the few interspersed pics of her ex between the multitude of other pics. She didn't make a point of going through them so I could see. It was the exact opposite.

 

My question really is more general than anything. Everyone has different perspectives on things and what one person does for one reason, others have a different view and that's cool. I don't know if there's a right or wrong answer to be honest.

 

Yep, that’s my view on the situation and you haven’t changed my mind :) it’s super awkward for your current partner to see smoochie (lovey dovey, however you want to phrase it) photos regardless or whether deliberate or not. My photos with exes are on my computer and I’m not one to leave them out in the open for current partner to see.

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I removed all of my ex-wife's photos three years ago. But the woman I dated for three months this year had a bunch of ex photos, so much so that other friends commented that perhaps she was still seeing him. Three months in, she confessed that despite the fact that she didn't want to be with him, she was still in love with him.

 

That doesn't mean you or anyone should insist on removal. But it does indicate holding on. It would be hard to convince me otherwise even if I did not have the experience I had.

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Maybe she's not really ready to go forward. It's a sentimental thing, especially with women being on the emotional side of things.

 

 

You have only been committed for 3 months......give it a year, then say something. For all you know you two could end it next month. Things are still in the trial stages.

 

 

Me personally would have started a new FB page, and blocked the old one, delete the cover photo. She would be none the wiser.

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Currently you are a new blip on her radar screen. Want to stay on her radar screen? Don't mess yourself up with these idiotic social media spats. You say your not jealous so prove it to her and let it be her idea to remove anything when/if she chooses.

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I don’t think making demands is part of it, but i don’t think I would wait a year either. I would be watching for other red flags and be pretty wary. I course people can do what they want, doesn’t mean you have to like it and put up with it. 3 months seems irrelevant to me as she broke up with the guys ages ago and has done nothing. Unless she is one of these people that depend on Facebook as an archive.

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So you guys are saying people NEVER remove them or it depends on timing? I don't think he's wrong for erasing pics of his ex wife - it's done and he's moved on. Whether he's with this new person or not, she's part of his past. Why should she go on his social media? As long as he's not spiteful of her in front of the kids, he shouldn't be expected to pretend that she's still an active part of his life when she evidently isn't.

 

Okay look at it this way, she might want to keep the past life in her mind still for her to keep those pictures plus show them on Face Book? Does she have kids with Ex BF? If not then there is no reason in the world why she would still have his pictures posted. Your in her life now but you see, sometimes their past is what they only know of. Your today, current and the now guy. She's still open minded to you but the other guy she knew way before you. This is kinda tricky to get her to pull them down and place them in a keep-sake box. If she has to have her memories of the life she had with him.

 

Yeah I know this bothers you but if you two break-up then she can revert back to her pictures. I know from experience this is what I do. I have all pass relationships but I do not post or show everyone who I was with. I keep them in a hidden folder or in a keep-sake zip lock bag. That was the past and I am with the future woman. Still looking at the past you kind of wonder who you had and what they did. In the end those images will be removed.

 

Listen don't tread on her with this because you might not like the answer you get. Sometimes we men just have to be Alpha men here just let it go. It's her not you to say otherwise. Let she make her own mind up when it comes to past relationships and pictures.

 

Just have to be a man here about it okay. No need to get into anything with her about this.

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DontBreakEven

I've deleted some stuff, but I still have a good amount of stuff up. Especially on Facebook, since back in the day it used to be typical to post 100s of pics at a time, whereas Instagram now is a more featured thing and the etiquette is a bit different.

 

Anyway, even the ones I deleted, I wish I still had. Most of those pics I am in. It's pictures of me, and my past, and my youth. My reason for keeping those up is because they are memories. Simply that. I'm not hanging onto it, but no one can demand to take memories away just because they are feeling insecure about it. Just don't look at them.

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I've deleted some stuff, but I still have a good amount of stuff up. Especially on Facebook, since back in the day it used to be typical to post 100s of pics at a time, whereas Instagram now is a more featured thing and the etiquette is a bit different.

 

Anyway, even the ones I deleted, I wish I still had.

 

Ok that makes sense. I have copies of all my photos elsewhere so that’s why I don’t hesitate to delete things from social media.

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Also, social media aside, I really treasure photos with my exes. But I don’t publicly display them. Facebook is the same as keeping photos with exes in frames displayed for all to see. I am not over my exes in the slightest. There are many on these forums who are quick to destroy their photos with exes and never look back, but I’m not one of them. Cleansing social media of them is like when I put all of the reminders, memories, photos, tickets etc away in a box so I don’t have to look at them and dwell. It’s part of the no contact thing.

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I've been separated for 6 months, now in a committed relationship for 3 months and about to get wheels in motion for a divorce.

 

It's too soon for any of this.

 

You're right at the point where weak foundation relationships begin failing. The "super awesome" veneer of the "representative on their best behavior" is giving way to the real you and the real her and now is when you find out exactly where your boundaries are. They weren't where they were when everyone was on their best behavior.

 

So, you're going to have to decide if this is the hill to die on.

 

Also--on some level, she may not be willing to delete those pictures because you're still legally married to your wife and as long as you are her husband, you really can't step to her on issues like this. Yeah, neither one of you are dealing with your ex's directly, but you both still have this indirect, symbolic attachment to them, no matter how strenuously you disagree with that. Until your mess is cleaned up, don't expect her to clean hers up. All hers needs is a delete keystroke. Yours needs the state to weigh in.

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I found it was situational for me. My ex a few years ago was divorced 6-7 years ago at that point, didn't have a social media account actually, but had photos of his ex-wife stashed in a box on his shelf. Once he was looking through something, opened the box to check, we both saw the photos, he explained what they were and quickly closed it. I didn't ask him about this, but for some reason it bothered me at the time that there were so many, and they were so hidden away. This was also my first time dating a divorced man, so I wondered if there were residual feelings.

 

My other ex had profile photo (one) of his most recent ex on Facebook. He told me all about this break up and the woman, and with him this never bothered me for some reason. After our break up, we both deleted our own profile photos together.

 

In general though, I would prefer that there are no profile photos with exes, because at least in the initial stages, such as OP's, too many questions pop up - are they still actively in their lives, do they still have feelings for them, etc. And later on, if two people get serious, there is no need to have the entirety of individual pasts on public display. That's the problem (and the reward I suppose) with social media - we all want reactions and to share cool things happening in our lives, but then even relative strangers are able to follow our marriages and break ups on the web.

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Also, social media aside, I really treasure photos with my exes.

 

There are many on these forums who are quick to destroy their photos with exes and never look back, but I’m not one of them.

 

I am very curious about this one, smiley1, partially because I am exactly the opposite. Is it just to commemorate the good times with the person, or do you keep even ones that are part of a painful experience?

 

I have never kept any photos of exes long-term. Although I will say that I am currently in the process of moving and am purging my belongings, and I did put away hard copies of the photos of my recent ex aside - I guess not quite ready to part with them yet, but I know I will.

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Trail Blazer
I've deleted some stuff, but I still have a good amount of stuff up. Especially on Facebook, since back in the day it used to be typical to post 100s of pics at a time, whereas Instagram now is a more featured thing and the etiquette is a bit different.

 

Anyway, even the ones I deleted, I wish I still had. Most of those pics I am in. It's pictures of me, and my past, and my youth. My reason for keeping those up is because they are memories. Simply that. I'm not hanging onto it, but no one can demand to take memories away just because they are feeling insecure about it. Just don't look at them.

I like to look at things from all perspectives and I guess my girlfriend may be in the same boat as you. Who knows what she may have already deleted? As I said in my OP, I'm not really bothered as I am very secure in the knowlege that she's very much into me and has no feelings for her ex.

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Trail Blazer
It's too soon for any of this.

 

You're right at the point where weak foundation relationships begin failing. The "super awesome" veneer of the "representative on their best behavior" is giving way to the real you and the real her and now is when you find out exactly where your boundaries are. They weren't where they were when everyone was on their best behavior.

 

So, you're going to have to decide if this is the hill to die on.

 

Also--on some level, she may not be willing to delete those pictures because you're still legally married to your wife and as long as you are her husband, you really can't step to her on issues like this. Yeah, neither one of you are dealing with your ex's directly, but you both still have this indirect, symbolic attachment to them, no matter how strenuously you disagree with that. Until your mess is cleaned up, don't expect her to clean hers up. All hers needs is a delete keystroke. Yours needs the state to weigh in.

 

I'm not here to get advice on whether I've started a relationship too soon. I know we've got a long road ahead, and while I don't feel I need to justify what I'm doing, all I'll say is that the relationship started quicker than ideal, but that's life and she's way too good to turn down. I'd live with regret forever...

 

As for her unwillingness to remove her pics, it's got nothing to do with me I don't think. I'm sure if I'd been divorced for any length of time, she's retaining the pics for her own reasons (memories or whatever) which are mutually exclusive to anything regarding me.

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Well, first of all, your discomfort is valid. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

Two things: just because you feel you should have removed all the pictures with your wife (FYI, you can untag yourself from pictures in Facebook...) doesn't mean you get to push that 'obligation' on her.

Many things come into consideration: does it bother you only because it's the ex? Is the ex still in the picture (ie are they friends? on FB? in real life? Are they in contact at all?)

 

Second: if it bothers you that the pictures are there, tell her. She should at least respect your discomfort. If she makes a fuss out of deleting the pictures, be warned, your discomfort will only grow bigger and she will probably never care that it does and I speak from experience.

You aren't asking her to burn her ex's pictures (and you shouldn't imo) but I think you get to mention you are not comfortable at the fact she keeps public displays of affection on FB.

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they've only been dating three months, though, and he's in the process of getting a divorce. Kinda soon to be insisting that she remove pictures from her personal page, IMO.

 

if the situation was different (unmarried and dating awhile), I could understand the desire to have her do that, but it sounds like things are still up in the air with both situations involving him. Why *should* she remove photos when their future isn't guaranteed? As I said, just chalk it up to photos of her having had positive experiences with her ex.

 

If I may play 'devils advocate' : as the new partner, I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who insists on ignoring stuff that make me uncomfortable. That goes both ways so I think OP needs to have a conversation with her.

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