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Feel Like I'm Back to Square One


KBarletta

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Hi all. It's been a while since I posted but I am feeling very strange about this situation and could use some advice and a chance to vent.

 

For several months toward the end of last year, I developed a romantic relationship with a woman (let's call her Sally) who has been a longtime friend. Then, after several instances of her flaking on me and blowing me off, she finally left me hanging out to dry on New Year's Eve and I decided to just drop her cold and go No Contact. That story is here.

 

Since then, I have blocked her on social media and - other than a few texts from her right after the new year asking what was gong on - I didn't hear from her again.

 

Meanwhile, about two months ago I started dating this other woman, let's call her Pam, who I like, and who really, really likes me. She's attentive and supportive and caring and always responsive.

 

After about six months of NC with Sally, I attended a concert this past weekend with Pam and a mutual friend of mine and Sally's. What I didn't know was that my friend had also invited Sally, who showed up looking like a million bucks. Like so incredible I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

 

So ... while I was there with Pam, Sally stood about 10 feet in front of me, dancing very provocatively the whole time. She never said a word to me or to her and never even made eye contact, then left by herself, also without a word.

 

Since then, she's all I can think about. I really like Pam and haven't even been communicating with Sally for six months, but I can't stop thinking about her and the image of her dancing in front of me. It's burned into my brain.

 

I thought after six months of NC I would be over this but seeing her just makes me feel like I am back at square one, missing her, wishing we could be together and wanting her even though I know she's been horrible to me and that Pam is a much better fit for me and actually treats me well.

 

Sometimes I wonder - why do we so often want people who are bad for us? I know Sally is not good for me but I can't get her out of my head.

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Sally's gambit worked. She showed up looking like that & danced provocatively to cause exactly the reaction you are having.

 

If you came back & tried to reconnect with her now, she'd most likely shoot you down hard & laugh about it.

 

You already know she's flaky so continue to dwell on the bad stuff in the effort to dial back your raging hormones.

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frigginlost

I thought after six months of NC I would be over this but seeing her just makes me feel like I am back at square one, missing her, wishing we could be together and wanting her even though I know she's been horrible to me and that Pam is a much better fit for me and actually treats me well.

 

Sometimes I wonder - why do we so often want people who are bad for us? I know Sally is not good for me but I can't get her out of my head.

 

Ah yes, the absolute catastrophic results from NC. It's like seeing someone rise from the dead, and every feeling you ever had is placed on a plate in front of you and you have to take several big bites from it. That's the danger of NC. And it's normal. You just have to tough through it. I, myself am a LC person for the very reason you have experienced. I tried NC in my younger years, and it back-fired hard with me when I saw her in public. LC is not for everyone, but for me, it is.

 

You want Sally because of one reason; she does not want you. Subliminally, your mind is triggering your feelings to fight because you did not want to lose her. Again, all normal.

 

Stick with Pam and with each passing day you'll notice even more that she is the better person for you...

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Sally's gambit worked. She showed up looking like that & danced provocatively to cause exactly the reaction you are having.

 

If you came back & tried to reconnect with her now, she'd most likely shoot you down hard & laugh about it.

 

You already know she's flaky so continue to dwell on the bad stuff in the effort to dial back your raging hormones.

 

I was wondering if it was intentional or a coincidence, honestly. Like, as long as I have known her she never showed up anywhere looking THAT good. She is a hard 10, though, so it's easy for her to turn heads everywhere she goes. She certainly did that night.

 

I know I need to concentrate on Pam and forget her, it's just hard when we've known each other so long and I still have unresolved feelings and a definite attraction to her, no matter how badly she treats me.

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Sally was simply rubbing it in your face. A first class you know what.

 

Here's the thing - the mutual friend who invited her did not know that I was bringing a date with me. She thought it was just going to be me, her and Sally. And I suspect that she may have been trying to engineer some kind of reconciliation because she's been friends with the two of us for a long time. So it's possible that Sally showed up looking like that with the idea that we'd talk and maybe reconnect. Then she saw me with Pam and her attitude became, "screw him." Just a possibility. I think they were both surprised that I showed up with another woman.

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Maybe you need to go back and read your old thread. Snap you back into some kind of reality. Maybe that will help you gain some level of repulsion for her.

 

We always want the ones that reject us. You're attracted to the external and romanticizing her in that aspect. What do you miss when she was constantly flaking on you? You miss the up and down rollercoaster, maybe? Kept you on your toes -- the challenge and the chase? The fact that you asked -- why do we want those that are bad for us is indicative that you're still attracted to that kind drama.

 

I used to date bad boys. The ones that rejected me. And I chased. The Pams of the world I found too safe and boring. After a long, long hiatus, working on getting my head straight, my outlook changed and bad boys became so unappealing to me. I remember going on a dating site and I could smell them a mile away but back in the day, the flakes nearly always got and kept my attention. And now I have a "Pam" and life is great!

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Maybe you need to go back and read your old thread. Snap you back into some kind of reality. Maybe that will help you gain some level of repulsion for her.

 

We always want the ones that reject us. You're attracted to the external and romanticizing her in that aspect. What do you miss when she was constantly flaking on you? You miss the up and down rollercoaster, maybe? Kept you on your toes -- the challenge and the chase? The fact that you asked -- why do we want those that are bad for us is indicative that you're still attracted to that kind drama.

 

I used to date bad boys. The ones that rejected me. And I chased. The Pams of the world I found too safe and boring. After a long, long hiatus, working on getting my head straight, my outlook changed and bad boys became so unappealing to me. I remember going on a dating site and I could smell them a mile away but back in the day, the flakes nearly always got and kept my attention. And now I have a "Pam" and life is great!

 

I'm not so sure I miss the roller coaster or the drama - I miss her. And there are unresolved issues because nothing was ever really cut and dried.

 

She didn't really reject me, more accurately I pretty much ghosted her after a series of incidents where she flaked on me. But I'd forgiven her enough in the past and we were such close friends I think she assumed we'd be OK. But I stopped talking to her because I couldn't take it anymore.

 

Still, I miss her. We were best friends. And I was attracted to her. But I really don't miss feeling like a fool when she would blow me off. That's a fact.

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I'm not so sure I miss the roller coaster or the drama - I miss her. And there are unresolved issues because nothing was ever really cut and dried.

 

But what do you miss about her when you were treated badly? Sure, you had some good moments but when a person or relationship makes you feel bad or tears you down, those few and far between good moments mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. It isn't reliable.

 

IShe didn't really reject me, more accurately I pretty much ghosted her after a series of incidents where she flaked on me. But I'd forgiven her enough in the past and we were such close friends I think she assumed we'd be OK. But I stopped talking to her because I couldn't take it anymore.

 

You ghosted her because she was ignoring/flaking on you. I would count that as constant rejection.

 

IStill, I miss her. We were best friends. And I was attracted to her. But I really don't miss feeling like a fool when she would blow me off. That's a fact.

 

I think you miss the idea of her. An image you've created and also missing the loss of what you hoped what could have been. Hopefully in time, you find your indifference and usually by then, you'll be able to see her for what she truly is.

 

You were friends but that dynamic changed the moment you both decided to date and in that sense, found yourselves incompatible.

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She was a good friend in many was but I got tired of her being so dismissive of me and making me feel second best when she would blow me off. That's the part that I don't miss, and the part that I'm feeling now, like I'm back to square one feeling like that again.

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Hopefully in time, you find your indifference and usually by then, you'll be able to see her for what she truly is.

 

The thing is, I felt like I was well on my way to achieving that indifference ... UNTIL I saw her and she totally blew me away and I was right back where I felt like I was six months ago.

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That can easily be solved with a cold shower.

 

 

 

She only turned you on, don't give it any meaning.

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She was a good friend in many was but I got tired of her being so dismissive of me and making me feel second best when she would blow me off. That's the part that I don't miss, and the part that I'm feeling now, like I'm back to square one feeling like that again.

 

You may have not fully healed from it. Treat it as a bump in the road. It's aggravated your wound but I think in a few days you'll start feeling better again. It's just stirred some emotions that have been dormant. Try to enjoy the gift you have -- it's hard to find good people out there.

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That can easily be solved with a cold shower.

 

 

 

She only turned you on, don't give it any meaning.

 

Well, this happened four days ago and I'm still thinking about it, so it probably was a little more than that. I had put her totally out of my mind and then there she was - BOOM - and I remembered many of the things I loved about her in the first place. I started remembering all the good things and forgetting the bad. I need to do the opposite.

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Well, this happened four days ago and I'm still thinking about it, so it probably was a little more than that. I had put her totally out of my mind and then there she was - BOOM - and I remembered many of the things I loved about her in the first place. I started remembering all the good things and forgetting the bad. I need to do the opposite.

 

 

This is normal and it would have had the same reaction if it had been 20 years later. People that we have loved will always do this to us.

 

 

 

I got a FB message from a man I dated 10 years ago, It was like being thrown back in time. I even could remember his smell when I read the message and my heart was beating 100 miles an hour and I started remembering out time together etc. It didn't mean I had unsolved feelings, that's what our brain does in circumstances like these.

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This is normal and it would have had the same reaction if it had been 20 years later. People that we have loved will always do this to us.

 

 

 

I got a FB message from a man I dated 10 years ago, It was like being thrown back in time. I even could remember his smell when I read the message and my heart was beating 100 miles an hour and I started remembering out time together etc. It didn't mean I had unsolved feelings, that's what our brain does in circumstances like these.

 

For me, this is only true of certain people. There are people from 20 years ago who still make my heart beat fast. But then others who don't.

 

I see my ex wife often and she does nothing for me.

 

But Sally - she will never not have a hold on me. If she had called me when I was alone later that night and asked to come over, I would have said yes without even thinking about it. I know she's not good to me or for me, but I still want her. She's irresistable to me.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
For me, this is only true of certain people. There are people from 20 years ago who still make my heart beat fast. But then others who don't.

 

I see my ex wife often and she does nothing for me.

 

But Sally - she will never not have a hold on me. If she had called me when I was alone later that night and asked to come over, I would have said yes without even thinking about it. I know she's not good to me or for me, but I still want her. She's irresistable to me.

 

It sounds to me like this is mostly lust.

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Versacehottie

I have a lot to add bc I went back to your old thread. Right now I only have time to say this, which is in regard to wanting to act on how you feel having seen her. Do nothing. It's your best chance for reconciliation & respect from her if you were ever to move forward with her (not that i recommend this course of action but i know it's the answer you are looking to find most immediately).

 

Chances are if she saw you (which she did, we all know that), it is driving her crazy that you haven't reached out and were with a new gf. You want her to take definitive action--then DO nothing. She strikes me as a bit of a narcissist and attention-wh*re, it will bug her that she made no impact on you and you will probably (i give it 70-80% likelihood) that she will contact you. DO NOTHING. If she reaches out, (give that about 10 days), ask here first before you reply. This is YOUR chance to change patterns with her. Necessary, if you are EVER to have a future worth having with her (again not that I recommend it, poor Pam!).

 

I'll try to write more later. Good luck

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I know she's not good to me or for me, but I still want her. She's irresistable to me.

 

First I can relate. I too had a woman like that in my life many moons ago. And she would pull stunts like the one Sally just pulled on you. Trust me, she knows exactly what she was doing. Do you want to be with a woman that's manipulative?

 

Second, this really doesn't have anything to do with her. It has to do with you. Like you said she's a '10', so you being attracted is pretty easy to figure out. That's not the problem. The problem is you creating a story in your mind that then turns into feelings. Not her. Your thoughts about her. Recognize your part in this and you'll begin to undo the spell you think she has on you.

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I totally get the predicament. Long-term friendship, turned into almost love affair, turned into expectations, turned into hurt feelings. And she’s beautiful.

 

A few questions/things:

1) Have you ever asked her what happened on NYE? You were on such good terms, and had been friends for so long, I think that would be an OK question to ask. She stood you up, after all, after talking you into throwing a party at your own place. Maybe there was a good reason she couldn’t make it.

 

2) I’m sure she knew you’d show up at the concert, and it pissed her off that a) you were with somebody else, and b) ignored her. She did NOT expect that.

 

3) You never had sex. Maybe SHE feels friendzoned? Assuming she’s somebody who gets a lot of male attention, and after inviting you to spend the night that one time, she might feel rejected?

 

I think there might be some misunderstandings involved here. It’s sad that a friendship ends that way, especially if there was potential for a romantic relationship. OTOH, you have Pam now, and if you start something up again with Sally that will break Pam’s heart. Not an easy choice. However, staying with Pam, while pining for somebody else, is not fair, either.

 

I guess it all depends on whether or not you have spoken about New Year’s eve. And whether or not she has apologized. I think for me that would be the starting point for any future decisions I would make in terms of a potential relationship with Sally, or in terms of rekindling at least the friendship.

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She's a 10 in looks maybe but being an ass that doesn't do you any good at all.

 

Keep a tight NC she is who she is and will never change.

 

You have zero future of happiness there.

 

You did great upfront now stay the course.

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I remember the story of what happened 6 months ago, without looking back and remember that you were in pain over S's behavior then. I feel very bad for Pam that you so quickly reverted to having feelings for Sally again. Pam deserves better than a boyfriend who is lost in thoughts of someone from the past who has shown up in the present (and I'm not against you here though it might sound like that, I just think she has a right to know if you are not excited about her. I am not blaming you for how you feel, you feel how you feel). I'm sorry you are in this predicament. It does not sound good no matter which way this ends up going.

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It sounds to me like this is mostly lust.

 

I know it sounds like that, but for me it's less that and more that I have made an emotional connection to Sally that is extremely difficult to shake. I haven't made the same connection with Pam - yet. But I'm working on it. My physical desires for women stem almost entirely from my emotional connections, so lust, maybe it is that, in my way, yes, but not in the traditional sense.

 

The reason I find Sally so irresistible is because I know her and love so many things about her (her treatment of me aside). If I didn't, she'd be just another face in the crowd. I don't experience physical attraction to strangers (this is a story for another thread, but just sharing by way of explanation).

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I remember the story of what happened 6 months ago, without looking back and remember that you were in pain over S's behavior then. I feel very bad for Pam that you so quickly reverted to having feelings for Sally again. Pam deserves better than a boyfriend who is lost in thoughts of someone from the past who has shown up in the present (and I'm not against you here though it might sound like that, I just think she has a right to know if you are not excited about her. I am not blaming you for how you feel, you feel how you feel). I'm sorry you are in this predicament. It does not sound good no matter which way this ends up going.

 

I appreciate your response (and your good memory!). I have seen Pam several times since this incident and I REALLY like her and am attracted to her. And honestly if I hadn't seen Sally I am not sure I would have even KNOWN how strong my feelings were for her. In my head, I want very badly for things to work out well with Pam.

 

I was honest with her about who Sally was and what transpired between us. I did not tell her about all of my conflicting feelings at this point because I don't even really understand them myself and we're still in the early stages of dating (haven't said I love yous yet).

 

I am hoping this is just a small setback and that maintaining NC will continue to help. The worry is that I was in NC for almost six months and the same feelings came rushing back like it was no time at all. I don't want that to be true six more months down the line. I can't say for sure if they will or not. It's not as if I knew how strong my feelings were before the moment I saw her - it surprised me that I felt this way. But I did.

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1) Have you ever asked her what happened on NYE? You were on such good terms, and had been friends for so long, I think that would be an OK question to ask. She stood you up, after all, after talking you into throwing a party at your own place. Maybe there was a good reason she couldn’t make it.

 

No, I never got an explanation - mainly because I was more upset that there was no communication on her end AT ALL. No apology. No response to me at all - not even a quick note to say she couldn't make it. That was what upset me. If she had a good reason why she didn't show up, she could have told me but instead pretended nothing had happened and didn't respond until four days later. That was the most upsetting part.

 

2) I’m sure she knew you’d show up at the concert, and it pissed her off that a) you were with somebody else, and b) ignored her. She did NOT expect that.

 

She for certain knew that I would be there and I'm sure that's one of the reasons she showed up in the first place. When she saw me with someone else, I suspect her thought was, "OK, I'll show him ..."

 

3) You never had sex. Maybe SHE feels friendzoned? Assuming she’s somebody who gets a lot of male attention, and after inviting you to spend the night that one time, she might feel rejected?

 

There is a good chance that she feels rejected, but I doubt it stems from that specific night, because we spent a good deal of time together after that and had lots of physical contact afterwards. It was the NYE incident that led to us going NC, not that night in her bed. I feel like we got past that. But it's possible.

 

She receives a TON of attention from men but rebuffs and ignores 99.9 percent of it. According to her (suspect, I realize) I was the first person she'd even invited to spend the night with her in a year and a half.

 

OTOH, you have Pam now, and if you start something up again with Sally that will break Pam’s heart. Not an easy choice. However, staying with Pam, while pining for somebody else, is not fair, either.

 

I would never re-start anything with Sally while Pam is in the picture. Pam is my priority at this point. She has been amazing and I am maintaining NC with Sally and wouldn't dare break Pam's heart. I know I said if Sally had contacted me that night I would have, but in the light of day I know that would for sure be a huge mistake.

 

I suspect Sally is upset that she's lost me, but knows why and isn't willing to change. So I need to keep reminding myself that while there are a ton of good things about her, she's got blind spots that lead me to feel ignored and dismissed and I'm not putting up with that anymore.

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