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My boyfriend's mother is abusive towards me and bullies


PearlJam

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Hello! I am seeking advice on how to handle this. My boyfriend's mother is disrespectful and rude. She loved me in the beginning. When we first started dating she adored me. Her boyfriend for some odd reason hated me. I was ALWAYS nice to them. I wrote them thank you letters for being there for me during a difficult time. I was ALWAYS respectful and kind towards her boyfriend and her. Even though he's a control freak, a manipulator, and alienated her from her children. I still kept the peace and never got involved in their family drama about that. Still treated him nicely, you name it. Well one thanksgiving I grabbed another side dish of something. Her boyfriend called me fat. I was shocked because A. I am not fat. B. I never experienced someone so rude in my life to call someone that. I ignored it but then he said I was a "fat slut". He was blatantly insulting me for no reason AT ALL! I started crying and said "How dare you call me that you control freak manipulator!" My bf's mom jumped down my throat and so did her bf. She said he was "entitled to his opinion" about me, and told me to move on. I was hurt and my boyfriend was hurt, so he cut her out for awhile.

 

I didn't want the family alienated, so I wanted to speak to his mother and her boyfriend, but everything I did was wrong. They said it was inappropriate when I texted the mother asking her if her son has a history of mental illness. I asked her this because my boyfriend said he was depressed and wanted to commit suicide, and I didn't know him well at the time, so I asked his mother and told his mother he was saying this, and asked what I should do? She said, and her boyfriend said I "crossed boundaries"? I was confused.

 

Then, I tried and tried to talk to her. Tried so hard to keep the peace and reconcile. She said I am dead to her. She wanted to keep chaos going and toxicity when I was the one attacked by her boyfriend for no reason, and I was trying to end the beef because her son is the man I want to marry. My boyfriend tried speaking to her about her disrespectful behavior. She also said a lot of things about me, she makes up stuff about me, and it hurts! She said I am mental and crazy. It hurt me so bad she was bullying me when I didn't know why? I figured I would apologize to her and her boyfriend, even though they don't deserve one. I thought that would bring peace and things would settle and she would stop bullying me. She didn't apologize and neither did her boyfriend. They still don't like me. Just recently my boyfriend was on the phone with her and I said "Tell your mom I said hello and I hope she's doing well!" She completely ignored it when my boyfriend relayed it to her. He keeps telling me to forget it and she will always be a hateful person no matter what. She abused him and chose men over her children. She's a selfish person. She was a very bad mom too but I don't know if I can deal with this. I was the one attacked and three years later she is STILL holding onto this ONE outburst that was created by her now husband. She won't accept me, and I don't want to lose my boyfriend because he did try to make her apologize but she's stubborn and thinks she's right. the sound of her voice when I am with my boyfriend makes me want to punch her because she's always thinking the worst of me. When I go to college, I am a hard worker, and I take care of myself entirely.

 

I have been in a serious relationship with my bf for three years. I am still respectful towards her but she is MEAN towards me, and thinks I hold back my bf from family events WHEN HE IS THE ONE THAT DOESN'T WANT TO GO! I try to tell him to go, and make him, but he always backs out. I don't keep him from his family, but in her delusional mind, I do. I go without him to family events, so that doesn't even make sense. How do I cope with this? My bf is powerless over her and her actions, but she literally won't stop with her rudeness and ridiculous thoughts. She bullies me and I am a good girl that is kind to everyone. How do I cope with this? I don't want to break up with my bf because of his mother. He's nothing like her and knows how messed up she is. I need advice because I feel like I want to jump through the phone and punch her a million times when I hear her voice, and I feel like so much hatred for her because of how much she bullies me. I want to let go of that. Thank you for reading everyone. XOXO.

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Where does your boyfriend stand in this conflict? Has he spoken to his mother and told her that her behavior is unacceptable?

 

It's his responsibility to deal with his mother. Not yours. If he's not doing that, he needs to step up and take control of the situation. There is no other way to deal with it.

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If you get married, you marry into that family, and they will want to see your children. Now think about this carefully...would you want to deal with and expose your children to to any of that dysfunction? IMO no BF and risking my future children is worth that.

 

 

 

I would never stay with anyone that had a family that treated me with such disrespect.

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If you get married, you marry into that family, and they will want to see your children. Now think about this carefully...would you want to deal with and expose your children to to any of that dysfunction? IMO no BF and risking my future children is worth that.

 

 

 

I would never stay with anyone that had a family that treated me with such disrespect.

 

I completely agree. You can't force someone to like you and treat you with respect.

 

I would have left long ago...

Edited by BaileyB
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This is between him and his family, his mother. If he wants to maintain relations with her and continue with this toxic drama, you need to decide if you want to stick around for this or not. She is going to be part of the picture forever, and it's going to get seriously worse when you two get married and sprout off a couple babies, and this is where you're really going to dig in your heels and REFUSE any future contact with her, not your babies, outside of the occasional family function with the extended family...and if the rest of the family is just as vile, it's going to make your life and your relationship with your boyfriend/husband all that more difficult. This is your future, dear, and you can't force him to make a decision to cut off his family. Ultimatums don't work. If you present him with a "them or me" decision, he may grow to resent you for cutting him off from his family, and don't think for a second his family won't work this angle hard, making you the enemy and the instigator.

 

It sounds like you have forced upon him that he needs to maintain a relationship with his family when he really doesn't want to...stop doing that. He has to make his own choices. This has to be his decision. If he chooses to stay, you can choose to leave. You can choose to not spend time with them, but he's more than welcome to go on his own...no kids, either, should you and he have any.

 

You are a unit...if he can't stand up for you and teach them boundaries, be a united front, choosing instead to continue the verbal bashings and bullying...allowing him to treat you poorly...again, this is your future...you're choosing to stay with this vile family.

 

You can't fix them. You can walk away...this, unfortunately may mean walking away from your relationship.

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Time to end it knowing full well you don't want to be treated this way forever.

 

I wonder why your BF hasn't stated firm words to them that their treatment of you is unacceptable?

 

Tell him no more since you deserve better than living this way... it's a boundary that's non negotiable.

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Thank you to everyone that has shared their opinion. Let me address something though. He did address his mother and her boyfriend whom is now her husband. MANY TIMES! he said she needs to respect me and apologize and stop treating me this way. She says "ok", but doesn't do it. She still has me blocked.on Facebook and I don't have her number. He is exhausted of his mother and doesn't want to lost me. He always says "call her 'peg' because she's not my mother." He is just cordial with her. My boyfriend did try to his best ability to make her realize she was wrong and her husband is wrong. But she's a wicked witch that doesn't think she's wrong at all. He's good to me, and his sisters and brothers get along with me, and the two hate their mother and the other three are just cordial with her. But it's just her that has a problem with me. Nobody else does. It just bothers me and I don't understand the bullying. If his whole entire family bullied the heck out of me, then I definitely would've cut it off, but I'm close with his siblings and grandparents and we all love each other. His real dad lives in Arizona and disowned all of them. It's just the mother and her husband that are really brutal and messed up. It's a tough call but I don't think my bf should get dumped because of his mother's actions that he tried to fix. And he cut her out for a long time because of that incident. Alot of you are right about the kid situation. If I ever have children I wouldn't want them to see her or her psychotic husband. My bf agrees though. It's tough.

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Well then, it seems your boyfriend has a choice to make.

 

If she can't be kind and respectful to you, as the woman he has chosen to spend his life with, then she won't be seeing him around much.

 

Sadly, that's probably the bottom line. There comes a point where the only thing you can do is vote with your feet.

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Is he willing to completely cut all contact with him Mom?

 

Actions show what intent is. He needs to show her what consequence is.

 

It's obvious her actions are to continue imposing her bad behavior onto you... so distancing yourself from her is important. If your BF isn't willing to cut contact then he's not making you his priority.

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This whole thing is bad news. You need to GET OUT of this situation, a.s.a.p. He's not powerless over his mother... he just refuses to put her in her place. She on the other hand sounds like she has a personality disorder... ie:narcissism.... there's no fixing that. Eventually, this situation, if you stay in it, is going to break you down.

Edited by Fair
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You can't make or keep the peace in his family. It sounds like he's trying to pick you which isn't so easy. If you can date your BF & have nothing to do with the mom, continue. If you have concerns about having these nightmare people as your in laws, get out.

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You do not want to be part of this family. The conventional wisdom is it is your bf, the son's, job to keep his family in line or get away from them and stay away. It is not okay that he just lets this happen and doesn't ream his mother and her bf about it. This is a huge red flag because it tells me he's pretty much letting them run the show and hasn't stood up to them like a boy has to do at some point to become a man.

 

Your bigger problem isn't this rude tool in the family -- it's the one you love who isn't mature or man enough to put a stop to that before it started.

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That sounds horrendous and completely unacceptable. However if your boyfriend is standing by you and willing to cut her off, I can see potential. Other than that, you don’t want to join a family that consists of these type of disrespectful, sexist and plain nasty people.

 

I’m curious to know more about how he has stood up to his mother. If he has talked to her repeatedly about it and it keeps happening, why? Does he want to cut her off? It almost sounds as if you are the last thing tying them together with insisting that they spend time together. Some family relationships just don’t work, sad but true.

 

If my family did that sort of name calling about my partner I would not hesitate to ditch them.

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Just my take because what I hear has got me pissed off: your bf and all his sibs need to take sides. I see it as mom's hubby vs YOU. From the way you describe the situation I'd choose your side. How many sibs are there? Do you know if each has picked a side in this situation? Are there any grandkids?

 

Thankfully I don't have a situation anything like this to deal with. But I have dealt VERY harshly with my own father who was estranged from the entire family. The way you paint it, mom's hubby is a total a--hole and she has chosen to side with him.

 

As her son, what I'd do is a declaration: Mom, your hubby is an a--hole and I will not have him in my life OR the life of my children. If you choose to behave like he does, I will not have you in my life or the life of my children. If you can find it in yourself to behave in a respectful and loving manner to my future wife and my children, you will be welcome --- alone - without him. Then I'd try to get all my sibs 'on board'.

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Is he willing to completely cut all contact with him Mom?

 

Actions show what intent is. He needs to show her what consequence is.

 

It's obvious her actions are to continue imposing her bad behavior onto you... so distancing yourself from her is important. If your BF isn't willing to cut contact then he's not making you his priority.

 

I've been telling him that but even him cutting her out for like a year didn't do anything. He keeps trying to talk sense into her but she completely disregards him. He gets very mad and says all the time to me "Her name is Peg. Not mom." Because I'll say something like "Your mom called your phone while you were in the shower, just to let you know." He says before I even finish the sentence "IT'S PEG! SHE'S NOT A MOTHER! SHE'S NOT MY MOTHER!" He has a lot of resentment towards her and he doesn't justify her behavior at all. She abused him terribly and he doesn't like how she treats me. I'm not sure if he is willing to cut all contact but he hardly speaks to her, it's only about his mail that gets sent to her house or it's about a favor, or certain info he really needs to know. He doesn't even say "I love you" and they both talk as if they are brother and sister. It's not a son and mother bond I feel. Because my mom is so loving and Everytime we talk it's always a "I love you sweetface" and I say "I love you Mom". So it's weird tonme how closed off and bitter they both sound and just "ok, bye" to each other.

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My bf did cut her out for a year when that fight happened because he was disgusted she would stick up for her husband. That didn't work. He doesn't talk to her that much and when he does it's only to see if his mail is at her house, or for a favor, or really important info he needs to know. He has a very closed off, non loving weird convos with her. It's almost like a brother and sister talking, not a mother and son. Because when me and my mom talk it's always "I love you sweet face", and I'll say "I love you beautiful." Whereas him and his mom just say "Goodbye", "ok, bye." Or "Bye." Like no love behind their convos, it seems hate filled. He doesn't like his mom and is always calling her names.

 

He freaks out if I say "your mom". He always says "SHE'S NOT MY MOTHER, IT'S PEG! HER NAME IS PEG! SHE'S NOT A MOTHER!" like before I even finish the sentence I'll say "so are we going to your mom's to pick up your mail?" He'll say "you mean PEG?! YES! NOT MY MOM!" He gets very defensive and doesn't justify her behavior towards me what so ever. He knows how messed up and mental she is but he tries to rationalize with her and it doesn't work, so he figures he can't control her.

 

It does hurt me he doesn't cut her out entirely but it's because he needs her for mail and he doesn't call to chit chat with her at all. He just doesn't seem to care for her. His siblings love me and his grandparents love me. They aren't on her side. The one sibling won't say it but his other sister hates her and is open about it. His brother hates her but keeps it private. My bf is open about how much he loves my mom and looks at her as a mother and he looks at his mom by her name "Peg". She's not a mother to him.

 

I just feel like he doesn't want chaos, but he does get upset when she acts rude. Like I said "your mom couldn't even say hi back to me? Wow. She ignored that completely." He was like "yeah she's a hateful c u n t and that's why I only speak to her when necessary." So I don't think he's not standing up for me good enough, she just doesn't care what he does, and he knows he doesn't have control over her. It's a sticky situation.

 

I just think it's ridiculous to brekanup with him over her because it'd be one thing if he was justifying her behavior or not caring at all what she says about me. But he does care , sticks up for me, and has a pot of hatred towards her. He doesn't treat her like a mom. They talk to each other in a weird non loving manner. I just think it wouldn't be necessary to get rid of him unless he was sticking up for her or disregarding my.feelings completely

Edited by PearlJam
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That's not cutting off contact with her.

 

He can't get a post office box? How old is he?

 

Where does he live? Why can't his mail be delivered where he lives?

 

And just because his Mom calls doesn't mean he has to answer.

 

 

He's pretending to cut her off but he isn't taking action on that. I see a pattern in that family.

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Get rid of him , what you mean like an old car that's too much trouble anymore.

 

Anyway, no wonder he's depressed , no need to see a shrink about where that comes from. l don't have to read the other replies l know the drill around here but you sound like you have the courage , love and respect for him mostly, that shyt don't grow on trees , you might never find it again in fact, to get through this.

So l'd persist. but only if you truly love him or can see marriage , because you will be dealing with their crap and her crap . It doesn't have to be often because he can stop having too much to do with her but sometimes marriage that settles shyt like this down. Because at last they believe you are in it for the long haul and sometimes then people start mending fences. Sometimes.

But if you can't see forever with him then , well !!!

 

Or you and bf might have to cut ties maybe because it stays the same or gets worse, who knows.

He can fix his mail though for god sakes and it sounds like if it comes to cutting ties he would if he has too. Sad thing for any family but eh , maybe that won't be forever anyway if it came to that.

 

Anyway , good luck with whatever you two decide.

 

ps , you can never suggest to a family something might be up with their own , mental illness with your bf, whatever. Doesn't matter if he's Jack the ripper, that usually don't go down well, bloods always thicker.

Edited by Chilli
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She's "not his mother," but he's also not excising her from his life---so this performance of his is nothing more than a show to placate you.

 

People aren't going to "take sides" unless there is something in it for them. Right now, there's nothing in ostracizing his mother for you because his bond with her is stronger than his bond with you, dysfunctional as it is, so it's going to take more than her boyfriend being mean for him to arse himself to removing her from his life. That's your starting point with him.

 

In the meantime, be prepared for them to circle wagons with you on the outside. Blood is thicker than water...

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Take care not to have kids with him because you must realize these were his role models. These are the people he learned to parent from, and they are BAD. There is no possible way he could have the skills to raise kids in a healthy way.

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Take care not to have kids with him because you must realize these were his role models. These are the people he learned to parent from, and they are BAD. There is no possible way he could have the skills to raise kids in a healthy way.

 

This is what I am thinking... if what you are describing is accurate, he certainly didn’t have a good model to learn healthy communication or conflict reaolution skills. His response to his mother and to you when you try and talk about the situation demonstrates this...

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Ever watched Trailer Park boys! It's like a bad episode of it, or a good one if you enjoy trash-talking.

 

 

I would never in a million year be in a relationship with a man that his family calls me name. I'd be up and gone in a heart beat.

 

 

 

I would never in a million year be in a relationship with a man that calls his mother names, EVEN if she is a completely dysfunctional person. The names he uses with his mother are words he'll use with you some day.

 

 

 

Please leave this circus, all of them are highly dysfunctional including your boyfriend and some day they'll all end up on the 6 o'clock news. Have some respect for yourself please, remove yourself from this.

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