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BF thinks I’m a lazy reclusive slob


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About two years ago I left my office job to set up my own Digital Marketing agency. At the time, I also had the romantic idea that I could become a Digital Nomad and travel while working remotely but then I met my boyfriend and my priorities changed.

 

We’ve been together almost a year and moved in together about two months ago. The city where I am now is not my own and he is the main reason I’ve stuck around.The issue is exactly as the post describes - he thinks I’m lazy and stay inside all the time!

 

I should mention that I earn a lot more money than him and he is having some financial problems. Currently I am paying all of our rent and approximately 90% of the bills (electric, supermarket shopping, etc). I’m not completely happy about that but that’s a different matter. Actually a big part of why we are living together is because of his financials.

 

I work from home most of the time and sometimes (maybe 2-3 times per week) I go to sit at a coffee shop for a few hours. I prefer to work from home though since I have everything here and I need to make calls constantly, etc.

 

I don’t really have any friends in this city - I know one girl I can go for coffee with occasionally and my boyfriend. He will often come home in the evenings and ask me why I haven’t been out all day. He will also question why then I haven’t made plans in the evenings but since I don’t know anyone, where am I going to go?

 

I’ve started going to meetup.com events to meet people but the particular group I go along to is only fortnightly. I think it takes patience and time to make friends in a new city but he tells me I am making no effort and need to get a hobby. Last night he sat with me to go through all of the meetup.com events in a bossy, parent-like manner and question why I wasn’t attending specific ones. If something doesn’t interest me specifically (i.e. it’s a group for yoga enthusiasts and I don’t do yoga), I’m not going to force myself along.

 

I have a lot of friends in other places so I hate this notion that I am some weirdo that sits inside all the time and hates people (lol)

 

I should also mention that I feel that he doesn’t understand my work or take it seriously. He seems to think that because I work from home I must be sat around all day watching TV. He even made a comment that I’m not as busy as I say and should use this time to socialize or “go out and take a bike ride”. It pisses me off because if I was so lazy, where would this money be coming from that pays all the bills and keeps a roof over his head?

 

He will also complain about things not being done when he gets home. Since I’m here I do things like putting a load of laundry on or washing the dishes, but the other night he actually questioned why I hadn’t cooked him dinner when he arrived home from work since I was “home all day”. What?? Apparently “usually the woman does that”.

 

Anyway it’s reached the point where I’m thinking of leaving him. I gave up a lot and invested so much time into setting up my own business. I think I need to be with someone who is inspired by that not who tries to make me feel like ****. Am I being dramatic? He acts like I'm some lazy freeloader but it's ME that is paying for him all the time and I still get criticized.

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Hi Sarah, no you're not being dramatic at all. Him putting you down like this is completely unacceptable.

 

If I were you, I'd be reminding him that you gave up your dreams of travelling, to be with him and now, because of his behaviour you are beginning to seriously regret it. Perhaps say that you don't want to end things, but if he doesn't cease this immediately you will move on and leave him to pay his own way.

 

If he gives you some rubbish response about just wanting to encourage you to be a better you, remind him that he's not your father and you will continue to live the kind of life that makes you happy.

 

Good luck. I suspect you'll be without this dead weight of a boyfriend soon.

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So let me get this straight.

 

You moved to his city so he doesn't have to move.

He's paying only 0-10% of your shared rent and bills.

And he's STILL whining about you "being lazy" and not having dinner on the table for him every night? :confused:

 

What a complete and utter lack of self-awareness. I usually advise couples to talk things out, but in your case unfortunately I doubt that any amount of talking can rectify a personality like that. I'd tell him he's a lazy, freeloading, entitled slob and that you're done keeping a roof over his head, and leave. Hopefully you're not on too long a lease, but even then you can just leave and send 50% of the rent to the rental agency, he's liable for the remainder. You can also cancel all bills in your name immediately.

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coolheadal

I think I need to be with someone who is inspired by that not who tries to make me feel like ****. Am I being dramatic? He acts like I'm some lazy freeloader but it's ME that is paying for him all the time and I still get criticized.

 

My dear you have answered your own question in this statement above. But he needs to help out more but he's not doing it. Sounds like he wants the woman to do all the household chores. Your a modern woman of the 2018, it's not right for him to want a 1950 woman who would do all the chores for him. He's the one that's lazy say it to his face! Your paying all the bills.. Right there he should pay 50% of them. But sure your make more but you have to live, have fun and enjoy your money too.

 

If you feeling this way you need to talk to him first before you head out that door of no return. Never give him a second thought after that move.

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This thread should probably be merged.

 

Sounds like he wants the woman to do all the household chores. Your a modern woman of the 2018, it's not right for him to want a 1950 woman who would do all the chores for him..

 

Um, no 1950s woman would be doing all the chores for a husband who doesn't even pay the bills, lol.

 

This isn't about tradition vs modernity - this dude would've been screwed over way earlier if he had been living in the 1950s. Women being the breadwinner is a relatively recent thing.

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coolheadal
This thread should probably be merged.

 

 

 

Um, no 1950s woman would be doing all the chores for a husband who doesn't even pay the bills, lol.

 

This isn't about tradition vs modernity - this dude would've been screwed over way earlier if he had been living in the 1950s. Women being the breadwinner is a relatively recent thing.

 

You know that 50's and 60's women did more in the house than they do today if they all into the career. I rather have a woman that helps out 50% as it's a equal share of help. No one should do all the work in the house. Outside I'll do it 100%. I was rise to do all the work by two loving parents. Now that I am with someone she does it all in the house because of that I feel I should do the things I was raise to do. She'll jump out to fill the tank of gas in the vehicle. We both go shopping for food she'll be the first one to grab all the bags. Wow! I use to do all that and cook for all the women I've dated and live with prior but this woman met at work and moved in with me is a keeper! Not because of what she does for me but for what I like about her! We do get alone.. I do pay all the bills now because I have two jobs and work over 40, 50 to 60 hours a week. She and I wasn't making much at the job we were met from. She gave me about 45% of the bills and I paid the rest. Thank GOD no MORT here everything in that department was paid off years ago..

Edited by coolheadal
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I think I went off half cocked in my previous comment to you. I had made the assumption that you've already told him that you're not OK with his behaviour. But perhaps you haven't done so?

 

If you haven't done so, tell him that you are living the life you want. If he doesn't like you living that life, he's free to leave. But you DON'T WANT him telling you how to live or to offer his criticisms. If he criticises you about not having cooked, simply tell him that you've been busy earning money to support him and didn't have time to cook.

 

I wouldn't usually kick a man when he's got money problems, but if he's being obnoxious to you, then feel free to be quite direct in return.

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Anyway it’s reached the point where I’m thinking of leaving him. I gave up a lot and invested so much time into setting up my own business. I think I need to be with someone who is inspired by that not who tries to make me feel like ****. Am I being dramatic? He acts like I'm some lazy freeloader but it's ME that is paying for him all the time and I still get criticized.

 

I don't blame you for wanting to leave him, you are most definitely not being dramatic. I agree with what someone said above, talk to him about it, and if his behavior doesn't change, then you'll be more able to walk out without looking back. I can understand where you're coming from, I dated someone once who condescended to me, even though I'm a 27 yo professional and he was a 34 yo who only worked part time and didn't own a car. I would be very unhappy in a relationship where my work wasn't valued or even recognized, especially since it sounds like you put in a lot of work into setting up your business. That's tough stuff! I think it's important to remember that we deserve to be with partners who see the best in us and it sounds like your man is highly critical of you, despite your hard work. Not cool.

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This just sounds like a nightmare scenario. He doesn't respect your work, he expects you to have dinner on the table AND go out in the evenings to be social (HUGE logic fail there), and you're the one paying his rent and bills. And you've moved cities for this guy.

 

I'd be reminding him of all that, and see how he reacts. If I were you I'd be expecting HIM to at least do dinner, and many of the chores. If you wanna live somewhere, unless that space is owned by you, you gotta pay rent.

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No, you’re not being dramatic at all! This is really important. He does not respect you or appreciate all that you are doing for him. Your career and lifestyle sounds pretty awesome! I agree that he sounds jealous, negative, selfish, sexist and controlling. You don’t have to go out if you don’t want to. What is he doing while you’re at meetup? Why does he want you out of the house?

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And if he chooses the 1950s sexist attitude of entitlement to a house wife/slave then why is he fine with you winning the bread?

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He's pissing me off to sorry.

And, your paying for everything to boot, if he had any brains he wouldn't be shooting the golden goose for starters.

People don't understand working from home though, when l was married ex had issues too l only did 1/2 the hours but made more money and hell yeah you bet l'd slack around and sleep in and watch movies, that;s why l still work for myself 25yrs. perks, lifestyle.

Not saying you do you probably work much harder than l have to but eh there's still perks.

 

As far as everything else ha, l'd love coming home to you instead of you being out and all over the place 24 7 and l don;t mean 1950s style either just free time together l effg love my free time or ours, he should be appreciating the hell out of you.

As for the rest yeah sorry but everyone's said it all here , he's got shyt and he def' shouldn;t be making you feel like he is.

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You need to have a chat with him, especially about the finances. If people have never seen it up close, they think work from home is not work. But its becoming more then norm so he needs to step up.

 

Try joining an entrepreneur group about being self employed. You will meet more like minded people. That should help you build a social network where you are.

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caveman621

In my old age (HAHAHA) I've learned there really ARE two sides to every story. But, if how you describe the situation is accurate, then.........WHAT AN ASS HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!! It sounds like maybe his frail male ego is hurt with you making all the money!??? So he's trying to impose some type of dominance calling you lazy and saying you need to get out more and should have dinner ready for him? As many others have said, it's unbelievable that YOU pay 90% of the bills and he calls YOU lazy and thinks you lay around all day! That is just crazy!

 

I work from home as well and make a lot more money than my wife. But that's not an issue. But you can't sit at your desk all day every day so, yeah, I stand up and do a load of laundry or wash dishes or get the mail, but it's not like I can leave my desk for two hours to go to a meetup or bike ride or whatever! I am expected to be here doing work while I'm at work! JEEZ! I have had experiences with people saying, "Oh, you work from home, can you take care of this thing during the day?" Ummm, no, I'm WORKING!

 

So, if it is as you describe it, he sounds just awful. I would dump him.

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littleblackheart

You've been living together for 2 months because of his financial situation, as I understand it. How actively is he looking to redress his situation? My exH also pulled this card and, not to frighten you, made well sure his financial situation never improved (mostly by mismanaging his finances accidentally on purpose).

 

I would urge you to listen to the alarm bells already ringing in your ear. Unless you see concrete, actual, positive moves from him in terms of improving his situation or you both have agreed on a solid plan, you should review your arrangement for it to be on a more equal footing asap.

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Eternal Sunshine

I’m going to play the devil’s advocate here. I know people that work from home who have totally let themselves go. I mean they wear pyjamas or sweats all day, don’t bother with hair or make up and have nothing interesting to say because they don’t interact with any humans in real life. It’s nothing to do with money but that sort of lifestyle would be a turn off for me.

 

I don’t think financial situation sounds right at all though, you shouldn’t be supporting him. But if you have no hobbies and no friends and rely on him for social life, it just can’t be healthy for you.

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Many men who are failures, like your boyfriend, tend to blame the women they're with. Especially if the woman is exacerbating his loserness by paying his bills and supporting him. Like you are.

 

The only real solutions are to get him back to work, paying the bills or out of your house. He can go beg for money outside Wal-mart with all the other losers.

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{snip}

Anyway it’s reached the point where I’m thinking of leaving him. I gave up a lot and invested so much time into setting up my own business. I think I need to be with someone who is inspired by that not who tries to make me feel like ****. Am I being dramatic? He acts like I'm some lazy freeloader but it's ME that is paying for him all the time and I still get criticized.

 

If there is nothing tying you to where you live except a boyfriend who verbally abuses you and diminishes you, but needs you because he can't pay his own rent, then you need to move back to where you're far more supported and loved because where you are right now isn't that place.

 

Let him fend for himself since he's got so much to say about how you spend your day.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I’m going to play the devil’s advocate here. I know people that work from home who have totally let themselves go. I mean they wear pyjamas or sweats all day, don’t bother with hair or make up and have nothing interesting to say because they don’t interact with any humans in real life. It’s nothing to do with money but that sort of lifestyle would be a turn off for me.

 

I don’t think financial situation sounds right at all though, you shouldn’t be supporting him. But if you have no hobbies and no friends and rely on him for social life, it just can’t be healthy for you.

 

That opprobrium doesn't seem to apply to OP and she didn't say she was a hikikomori.

 

And even if she did do all of what you're trying to blame her for... she is paying the lion's share of his complaining behind's existence right now. His complaints are more about his laziness and frustration with how he can't support himself and instead of working 2-3 jobs or living someplace less expensive so he can amass his money, it's easier to have his hand out taking her money then spitting on her for being more financially solvent than he is. The only recourse he has is to criticize her appearance and what he thinks she's doing all day---when what she's doing is bringing in far more money into his household than what he's doing.

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You know that 50's and 60's women did more in the house than they do today if they all into the career. ..

 

No they didn't. The hired help did all of that.

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Ruby Slippers

I think it's obvious he feels like a total loser with a girlfriend almost totally supporting him, which is natural. I think most men would feel humiliated to be in that position. He's jealous, insecure, and trying to drag you down to feeling as bad as he does.

 

I was self-employed and worked mostly from home for 10 years, and I never got any judgment or weirdness from anyone I had a relationship with during that time. In fact, they respected and appreciated that I found my own employment and did it on my terms doing things I enjoyed.

 

Of course, I've never supported a man financially and never will, as I'd find it a huge turn-off and drag.

 

I don't see this lasting. You're on different wavelengths and he'll keep trying to drag you down to his.

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