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I was seeing this guy for a few months. We had a fight when I asked him to do something for Memorial day but he said he had plans to visit his grandma.

Anyway, we stopped talking at that point and two days later I reached out. He responded but wasn't very engaged. I reached the following day as well, but he was kind of cold. I lost it and said some hurtful/insulting things after which he blocked me. I can't reach him anymore but I really want to talk to him. Before blocking me, he said he wished I showed more care and affection and that he never tried to hurt me on purpose (as i did with my words).

 

 

My question is is there anything I can/should do? We became very close in the past few months, I met his family and often stayed at his house. Should I maybe go to his house? Or would that be a harassment? We also go to the same gym, but I stopped working out for the last few months.

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Veronica73

If somebody blocked me I’d leave it. He doesn’t want to be in contact with you.

 

Maybe work on being less reactive and hostile when you don’t get what you want.

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stillafool

He was basically showing you he didn't want to be bothered before you even blocked him. I think you think you two had more than you did. No, leave him be because if he wanted to hear from you he certainly wouldn't have blocked you.

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Happy Lemming

You had a fight because he wanted to visit his grandmother?? He didn't go wake-boarding with the guys. He went to see his grandmother.

 

Caring about and respecting one's elders is a positive trait in a man.

 

A couple of years ago, my girlfriend visited her mother. I encouraged her to go and made a big batch of homemade molasses cookies for her to share with her mom. Her mother passed away a few months later, but I was told she very much enjoyed the visit and the cookies.

 

Yes, I agree with the other poster, leave him alone.

 

Just my two cents...

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GeorgiaPeach1

Even though I think you overreacted, that's not what you're asking. At this point, your best bet is to stop all contact for a while to let emotions simmer down. Right now, anything you say or do will pick at the wound. Let it start to heal. In the meantime, you need to look into why you behaved like that. Read some self help books, how to have healthy relationships books, etc. After a while has passed and you try to re-establish contact, if you're the same old person then it won't work. If you two were as close as you think, he may give you a second chance at some point. If so, you should apologize sincerely, but try to move past it. Don't let it happen again.

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Thank you all for your replies.

 

First, I want to tell you that I know I have a problem with overreacting and patience. I am under a lot of stress and have to learn self-control. Otherwise, I am very considerate and caring person. And what I said to him was completely inappropriate and overreaction.

 

Second, yes, it was a fight because he didn't want to spend Memorial Day with me but with his mom and grandma. But here is the real problem. He sees his family every single week (no exceptions). We see each other every two weeks (depending on my schedule) and it is almost always going out then watch a movie and spend the night together. So, this was a rare opportunity to spend the entire day together.

Also, we recently went on a trip. The last day he wanted us to leave early around 9am. When I asked why we don't spend more time at the place and leave later in the day, he said it was mother's day the following day, so he wanted to be home early and not be tired on mother's day. Well, he got home at 6pm, his brother came over and they went out and stayed till 3am. I guess mother's day wasn't as important after all. In meantime, I was home by myself. Unpacked my suitcase, was bored and went to bed early.

 

I think I had this resentment towards him always putting me second when it comes to his family. Now, I still overreacted and no I am not trying to be more important than his family. I know we are just dating (tho he calls me his gf), but it somehow felt too much.

Edited by Annalie
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This is why we date...to find out if they meet our expectations...he has never really met yours, which means you two are not on the same page. Don't be one of those that hopes things will change and get better because it won't. You are just one of those part time GFs. I was one once...after 3 weeks I dumped him.

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Thank you all for your replies.

 

First, I want to tell you that I know I have a problem with overreacting and patience. I am under a lot of stress and have to learn self-control. Otherwise, I am very considerate and caring person. And what I said to him was completely inappropriate and overreaction.

 

You've learn that words have consequences and you're living it.

 

It doesn't matter you are a caring person if a few times a year you destroy people with your words. It's not worth it for the person dating you.

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With all due respect, I don't know that your issue is related to the time he spends wi his family... Rather, with the fact that you have such limited time together. It's hard to build a serious relationship with someone when you see them once every two weeks.

 

I see my family every week, it's not a problem in my relationship. But then again, I see my boyfriend almost every day.

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With all due respect, I don't know that your issue is related to the time he spends wi his family... Rather, with the fact that you have such limited time together. It's hard to build a serious relationship with someone when you see them once every two weeks.

 

I see my family every week, it's not a problem in my relationship. But then again, I see my boyfriend almost every day.

 

 

Yes, we couldn't see each other too often, due to my commitments and he was very understanding about it. I am graduating from my program in August. He was very supportive of my career and effort and we both were looking forward to my graduation and a regular work schedule that will match his eventually.

He did everything right when it came to dating, except that his actions told me his family was way more important than our relationship (I would be ok with more important, but way more important...)

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He did everything right when it came to dating, except that his actions told me his family was way more important than our relationship (I would be ok with more important, but way more important...)

 

I hate to say this, but if I have been dating a man for only a few months and only seeing him every other week, my family would still be way more important than my boyfriend too...

 

It's hard to grow a relationship when you don't see each other often. Good luck finishing your schooling.

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I hate to say this, but if I have been dating a man for only a few months and only seeing him every other week, my family would still be way more important than my boyfriend too...

 

It's hard to grow a relationship when you don't see each other often. Good luck finishing your schooling.

 

Thank you :)

 

Yeah, i understand that. i was also frustrated by the fact that somehow i didn't know him after months of dating and it was because every date was the same/similar. I wanted to see him interacting with other people, how he acts in various situations... hence the trip. But, then I was disappointed that he used mother's days as an excuse to get home early and hang out with his brother. It was barely a 3 day-trip.

He did sweet things, such as stop by for 5 minutes just to give me a hug and wish me good luck studying (then let me study). But I sometimes have the feeling that he is with me just to have a gf. On the other hand, I can be very difficult and expect perfection while, as he said, not showing enough affection. and it became a circle.

Anyway, I just wanted to see what you think would be the best next move. So far, it seems I just have to forget about it and leave him alone.

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Do NOT go by the house. That's stalking and it's very disrespectful.

 

Here's the bare facts: He is very involved with his family. It's not who you are. You are incompatible on that front, which means he could never be more than a casual date, because he's going to want someone who is all in with his family from now on, which I will tell you would be my worst nightmare because I am not that way. He has to find a woman who is the same way and then they too will fight over whose family to spend holidays with but they will at least respect each other for it.

 

Let him go. It's not a match. Sounds like he was winding down anyway and not that into the relationship.

 

But for the future, though there are many guys out there who are not as involved with their families, you need to know that holidays are often reserved for family and you need to know that just because you're someone's gf does not mean you own and get to manage their time.

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Do NOT go by the house. That's stalking and it's very disrespectful.

 

Here's the bare facts: He is very involved with his family. It's not who you are. You are incompatible on that front, which means he could never be more than a casual date, because he's going to want someone who is all in with his family from now on, which I will tell you would be my worst nightmare because I am not that way. He has to find a woman who is the same way and then they too will fight over whose family to spend holidays with but they will at least respect each other for it.

 

Let him go. It's not a match. Sounds like he was winding down anyway and not that into the relationship.

 

But for the future, though there are many guys out there who are not as involved with their families, you need to know that holidays are often reserved for family and you need to know that just because you're someone's gf does not mean you own and get to manage their time.

 

You are so right. While we were on that trip, he was on a group char with the mom and brother,sending pics of everything we saw. I was annoyed and even pissed off.

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Art_Critic
Before blocking me, he said he wished I showed more care and affection and that he never tried to hurt me on purpose (as i did with my words).

 

I lost it and said some hurtful/insulting things after which he blocked me.

 

This would be the issue, he discussed showing more care and affection and you said hurtful and insulting things, only after saying hurtful and insulting things that got you to this point..

 

I'd bet his view is that if this is more caring and affectionate then he doesn't want any part of it, I'd also bet he thinks you dropped your guard and he thinks he saw your true colors...

 

I'd let this one go... you don't match in the temperament, showing love.. maybe a mismatch in love languages.

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This would be the issue, he discussed showing more care and affection and you said hurtful and insulting things, only after saying hurtful and insulting things that got you to this point..

 

I'd bet his view is that if this is more caring and affectionate then he doesn't want any part of it, I'd also bet he thinks you dropped your guard and he thinks he saw your true colors...

 

I'd let this one go... you don't match in the temperament, showing love.. maybe a mismatch in love languages.

 

i said the hurtful things, but I apologized and kept texting him. He eventually responded. I said that his actions hurt me (such as rushing home to hang out with his brother), he said that "maybe if you showed more care and affection it would be different." We exchanged few more texts and stopped texting

The next day I texted him but no response (maybe he was busy). I tried calling him but no response. And eventually, he blocked me.

 

So, yeah it was a circle. I wanted to be more important to him, he wanted me to be more loving and put some effort.

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Don't be discouraged. It just wasn't a match, but you had fun for awhile, and as you get older, you're able to look back on the good times and enjoy the bumpy journey in retrospect.

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When someone turns you into an ugly b&*^% out of your own frustration, it's time to end it. It's not working out.

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When someone turns you into an ugly b&*^% out of your own frustration, it's time to end it. It's not working out.

 

I agree. It is just so hard to explain why I was so nasty. Of course, it is not an excuse to be nasty to anyone, but I think, i struggled with frustration for too long. And people around me, don't get it. All they see is a bf who calls everyday, texts all day long, wants to see me as much as possible.

 

But what I see is a guy who puts effort only when it doesn't cause him troubles and when it is not out of his way.

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Shining One
Yes, we couldn't see each other too often, due to my commitments and he was very understanding about it.
But what I see is a guy who puts effort only when it doesn't cause him troubles and when it is not out of his way.
He was accepting of your commitments. Was he really asking too much for you to do the same?
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He was accepting of your commitments. Was he really asking too much for you to do the same?

 

I f I had a day off, I would first consider him to spend a day with, then my friends (my family lives miles away). But he, even though he spends much more time with family, he would still every single time choose to be with them over me. even if that meant, next time we could hang out together is in two months.

 

Btw. he did say "ok, let's spend memorial day, together. we can go to the city." Of course, he didn't really want that... just said it to end the argument.

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Here is how the convo went:

 

Me: it is so nice outside.

Him: Yeah, I wish i could go to the beach with you.

ME: Maybe we can do something for memorial day. I don't have school. I still have to study but for few hours.

Him: oh, I am seeing my grandma and mom but I can see you in the evening when I am done.

Me: *I get upset here and tell him how he never even considers me as an option to hang out.

Him: Ok, let's make plans to go to the city. we can spend the day in the city.

Me: idk

Him: It's a plan.

 

Two days silence. I reached out, he was responding but not too engaged and never mention spending Memorial Day together again.

 

Next morning again silence (I am used to GM texts) and when I reached out again, a cold reply

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Leave him alone. No attempt at contact. No stopping by the house and no postal mail. If you happen to see him at the gym, let him be. You can say hello if he's not full out ignoring you and just go about your business. If he's receptive to speaking with you, let him approach you. You need to let things simmer.

 

As you already know, control your anger. You wouldn't be in this position if you didn't react with such hostility and vitriol. Even if you didn't mean it, there is always some level of truth to what you say, and those words cannot be unsaid or unheard.

 

I agree with previous posters, this relationship was simply not a good fit. You fought it hard, but I suspect he had one foot out the door long before the most recent fight. I fully understand how you felt when he always prioritized other things, and this includes cutting a weekend or evening short and then heading out to party until the wee hours. It boils down to the fact that he simply just wasn't that into you. I think he probably tried and hoped things would change or improve with time, but it wasn't working out, and this last argument just spearheaded the inevitable...he essentially got out of having to formally break up with you.

 

I'm sure you saw this coming weeks ago...other priorities, being busy, not really putting you as priority. It's hard to accept this and move on when you're really infatuated with this person, maybe even feeling like this could be love...it's hard. You do have to try to remove the high emotions out of it and look at things objectively...is this relationship something I want? Can he provide me with what I want? How long am I willing to wait? Have a chat with him - he may not realize his actions and make an effort to change. This might be something that cannot be changed....it just is, and if it's not working for you, you need to walk away from it, no matter how painful that is. It's more painful staying in a relationship where your needs are not fulfilled. There are other guys out there.

 

Maybe some day in the future you'll have the opportunity to properly apologize, and leave it at that, and don't expect any reconciliation or even a friendship. This opportunity probably won't present itself, and you just need to let it go...don't repeat this behavior in the future. Your behavior feels to me like you were a cat backed into a corner and you responded with teeth and claws, and that suggests to me that something was wrong with this relationship as a whole. Hopefully you'll be a little more mindful and recognize the red flags in the future and let the relationship go before it reaches an explosion.

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Leave him alone. No attempt at contact. No stopping by the house and no postal mail. If you happen to see him at the gym, let him be. You can say hello if he's not full out ignoring you and just go about your business. If he's receptive to speaking with you, let him approach you. You need to let things simmer.

 

As you already know, control your anger. You wouldn't be in this position if you didn't react with such hostility and vitriol. Even if you didn't mean it, there is always some level of truth to what you say, and those words cannot be unsaid or unheard.

 

I agree with previous posters, this relationship was simply not a good fit. You fought it hard, but I suspect he had one foot out the door long before the most recent fight. I fully understand how you felt when he always prioritized other things, and this includes cutting a weekend or evening short and then heading out to party until the wee hours. It boils down to the fact that he simply just wasn't that into you. I think he probably tried and hoped things would change or improve with time, but it wasn't working out, and this last argument just spearheaded the inevitable...he essentially got out of having to formally break up with you.

 

I'm sure you saw this coming weeks ago...other priorities, being busy, not really putting you as priority. It's hard to accept this and move on when you're really infatuated with this person, maybe even feeling like this could be love...it's hard. You do have to try to remove the high emotions out of it and look at things objectively...is this relationship something I want? Can he provide me with what I want? How long am I willing to wait? Have a chat with him - he may not realize his actions and make an effort to change. This might be something that cannot be changed....it just is, and if it's not working for you, you need to walk away from it, no matter how painful that is. It's more painful staying in a relationship where your needs are not fulfilled. There are other guys out there.

 

Maybe some day in the future you'll have the opportunity to properly apologize, and leave it at that, and don't expect any reconciliation or even a friendship. This opportunity probably won't present itself, and you just need to let it go...don't repeat this behavior in the future. Your behavior feels to me like you were a cat backed into a corner and you responded with teeth and claws, and that suggests to me that something was wrong with this relationship as a whole. Hopefully you'll be a little more mindful and recognize the red flags in the future and let the relationship go before it reaches an explosion.

 

You are right. I think I got confused by what he was saying. For example, I would get upset and say something like: this is not working. He would then say: "come on why do you want to ruin this, we got so close."

But these are only words, his actions tell me a different story. In one of his last texts, he said he felt like nothing he did was right, he felt with me like he cant do anything right (according to me).

 

I think we are just incompatible. For me, what matters is someone who shows me he thought about me days before seeing me (for example, sometimes adjusting or changing his plans for me). He, on the other hand, thought that stopping by my house for 5 minutes just to see me/ or taking me out for drinks when i was free was enough. Or texting me every morning GM and at night GN.

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I remember another "incident" during this trip. I saw a bar I wanted to go to. All other bars were free admission but this particular one had 6$ (cash only) coverage. I spent my last cash to tip valet parking guy. so, I looked at him and he said he had no cash either.

 

So we walked to the next bar, ordered drinks and at the end when he opened his wallet to pay, I saw 50$. I asked him about that money and he said "well, it is emergency cash." Yes, it was in a separate compartment of the wallet and looked like it was put away... but once again I was disappointed.

 

My male friend told me that he would absolutely do anything to make his girl happy and go wherever she wanted to go. Emergency cash... really? or just being cheap and not caring enough?

 

So, my hurtful text was that he was lame the entire time during our relationship and that it is not surprising that I want my best friend and my ex bf (who cosigned my student loan) to be present at my graduation but not him.

Edited by Annalie
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