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Are we on a break or break-up?


drakehead

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i feel like this is necessary...first post under new name but this board helped me so much during my ex-wifes affair which lead to me divorcing her. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/459010-post-affair-opposite-sex-friends-9.html

 

happily divorced and dating.

 

This seems simple compared that other thread...

dated this girl for 6 mos, it ended.. and we got back together a couple months later. things were going good and until the last week or so...something seemed off. I was honest and expressed that I'm receiving mixed feelings from her and that if she wasn't in to me that she should tell me. She said this massive university course of hers is taking precedence and its crunch time for her. I suggested that we take it easy & ill talk to her after the exam in 3 weeks and we would celebrate after. She thought that was a good idea.

 

Ii felt good that day but thoughts crept in that I might have given her an easy way out of our relationship.

 

It''s been two weeks & neither has texted. Though I've thought about it.

 

I do like her though.

 

Are we on a break or did we break up? Not sure how you go from everyday communication to none at all.

 

The only text I plan to send is a good luck one to her before the exam.

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Romantic_Antics

You pigeonholed yourself into not communicating for 3 weeks when you said you'd talk to her after the exams. Take the reins back and send her a text saying, "How's the studying coming? I've been thinking about you."

If the exams are the reason she was a bit off she'll appreciate it and it breaks the silence so that you can even tell her that you'd like to take her out to celebrate when she's done with them.

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fair point.

 

 

it was in a bit of frustration that i offered up 3 weeks.

 

 

the days leading up to were confusing... we hung on on sat, didnt text on sunday (not unusual), nothing on monday until i text late (brief one or 2 texts), i texted tuesday & she didn't respond. i sent her a funny 'ouch' gif on wed and she said she was out with a friend and forgot to respond. at that point i asked for clarity on her feelings...and she blamed the course. then i frustratingly offered the 3 week time.

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lakerman34

This is tricky.

 

If you said you aren't going to talk for 3 weeks, you are a man of you WORD if you don't talk to her for 3 weeks (one minor slip-up when texting, she'll throw it back in your face: 'I thought you said you wouldn't text me for 3 weeks?')

 

With THAT being said, perhaps send a text "just checking in -- staying busy with x,y,z, and I hope that you're doing well. How's the studying going? Can't wait to see you soon!"

 

That does 3 things:

1. Shows you aren't waiting for her like a lame puppy and that you have your own things going on (this is EXTREMELY important to busy people -- they don't want an SO that seemingly doesn't do much).

 

2. Asks her a question! If no question is asked, no response should be expected.

 

3. References that you still want to see her and haven't forgotten about her. That gives her something to look forward to post-this class.

 

You should gauge HOW she responses as well.

 

With all of THAT being said, honestly, I don't think she's into you any more. People tend to FIND time, no matter how busy they are, if they REALLY care about the other person.

 

My girlfriend is in an extremely competitive program in the top university in the country for what she's studying -- she's going into her fourth year as a PhD student. She may be one of the busiest humans I have ever met. I can tell she really cares for me, because she's willing to delay the apocalypse just to see me for an hour. Hell, she even used one of her precious sick days because she was feeling "super affectionate" and just wanted to hang out with me one Monday morning.

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This is tricky.

With all of THAT being said, honestly, I don't think she's into you any more. People tend to FIND time, no matter how busy they are, if they REALLY care about the other person.

 

 

This was ultimately my gut feeling. you make time albeit even a little.

 

 

At the same time, she's the one who broke-up with me in a very direct way the first time (I was busy and I was not as present as I could have been) so it's not like she's unable to express her feelings. If she wanted it over, I gave her that option but blamed school instead.

 

 

Either way I'm waiting out the no contact thing. I'll send her a "good luck" on her exam a day before... if she doesnt respond with a "yay i passed" or update text in a couple days....I'm moving on.

Edited by drakehead
clarity and bad grammar
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lakerman34
This was ultimately my gut feeling. you make time albeit even a little.

 

 

At the same time, she's the one who broke-up with me in a very direct way the first time (I was busy and I was not as present as I could have been) so it's not like she's unable to express her feelings. If she wanted it over, I gave her that option but blamed school instead.

 

 

Either way I'm waiting out the no contact thing. I'll send her a "good luck" on her exam a day before... if she doesnt respond with a "yay i passed" or update text in a couple days....I'm moving on.

 

Good plan.

 

Some may say that saying 'good luck' is even too much, as you might go crazy waiting, hoping for a response, but I for one believe that if she doesn't text within 12 hours, she doesn't care, and it's time to delete her in every way and go NC.

 

Again, using my girlfriend as an example, she was at an incredibly important meeting with her dissertation committee. The VERY FIRST PERSON she texted RIGHT after was me. If you aren't on the forefront of her mind, she doesn't see you as boyfriend material. I say wait 12 hours on the off chance that her phone was off or her battery dead (although, funny story, I had a friend who was going crazy because this girl didn't respond, and turns out her phone was ACTUALLY stolen -- but she Facebook messaged him to let him know that. No games = someone takes you seriously).

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thanks mate. appreciate the responses. I agree pretty much to all.

 

 

 

If she doesn't care to fill me in on how the exam went without me asking for it.... I know where she stands. And that's ok. Just would have appreciated the more direct...I'm not that into you anymore approach.

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ExpatInItaly

Her interest seems low at this point. Yes, she is busy. But it takes all of 10 seconds to fire off a message to someone you are interested in.

 

I would perhaps do as the others suggested and send her a quick note before her exam wishing her luck, and asking her to let you know how it goes. See how she responds.

 

My gut says this is going to lead to a break-up, unfortunately.

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Even if it is crunch time for exams, I don't think study is going to take every minute of every day. If it were me studying I'd still like to think I'd make time for a partner - sure, I'd ease up on the visits, but at least a text every day (or couple of days) is at least letting you stay connected. 3 weeks without contact is seriously backing away.

 

In your post you said you might have "gave her an easy way out of the relationship". If that is true, then she wasn't into you anyway. If she is into you, she would have tried to maintain more contact. Your plan to wait it out isn't a bad idea - but be aware it is likely you will need to move on. Either way, you will find out for certain at that point.

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It does seem like you gave her an "out." At least gave her more time to prolong the inevitable...break up...or maybe you'll just disappear and she won't have to deal with it.

 

There's a difference between being patient and not demanding, giving space for other priorities; not expecting long weekend dates or sleepovers, and on the other end, no contact at all whatsoever. I would think she would welcome some reprieve and a chance to connect, if even for short periods, or a little texting. Instead, she's happy with zero contact at all, whatsoever...we assume.

 

I think that you text and check in, let her know you're thinking of her and see if she needs anything. A girl's gotta eat, and maybe she'd be up for a quick bite, bring some Subway to the house, leave after an hour? I don't know, but I think completely disappearing is doing the opposite of what should be happening, but for her, maybe that's just what she wants. This is hard to say because it sounds like the first breakup had to do with your being busy and unavailable, so NC is just a repeat of what she didn't want the first time.

 

If she misses you and wants to be with you, this NC is going to hurt, like you don't care, but if she's on the brink of another breakup, she's happy you're not causing her more bumps. She could be reaching out to you...and she isn't. Why?

 

Let it play out. See what happens after the exams are over. But I do think you should check in.

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This is not tricky...you are broken up. You may get back together but anyone that is uninterested enough to not communicate with you (or vice versa) is not in a relationship with you. Not go out for a bit because you're busy? Sure. Maybe cool the jets on Netflix and Chill? OK. But unable to send an occasional text? It means they are simply not that interested in you.

 

I get why you did it. I suspect you made the 3 week offer as a gauge of how into you she was, hoping she's say, no, that's too long. But she told you how into you she was when she agreed and when she didn't reach out for a week.

 

Now, in a couple more weeks, she'll say that she just thought that YOU didn't want to talk to her and that will sound plausible. But it isn't. Two people who are into one another WILL contact each other, even if they are extremely busy. Just ask Stormy Daniels.

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This is not tricky...you are broken up. You may get back together but anyone that is uninterested enough to not communicate with you (or vice versa) is not in a relationship with you. Not go out for a bit because you're busy? Sure. Maybe cool the jets on Netflix and Chill? OK. But unable to send an occasional text? It means they are simply not that interested in you.

 

I get why you did it. I suspect you made the 3 week offer as a gauge of how into you she was, hoping she's say, no, that's too long. But she told you how into you she was when she agreed and when she didn't reach out for a week.

 

 

 

right.

 

i didn't mind pushing **** off for 3 week... but i expected at least some communication.

 

Our last convo, was also not a finite as i might have put it.....i did specifically ask that 'if you are not into this relationship, tell me now & i'm a grown man handle it'....she blamed school. and i said "well, stay in touch & we will talk after your exam." She gave a "thank you so much!:)!

 

I'm of the opinion that would make time for someone you care about.

 

I am almost changing my mind about even texting her at all....

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mortensorchid

I don't believe this "on a break" stuff at all. I see this as someone taking an opportunity to go out and see other people, or there is at least someone they have their eye on and are going to try with that person. I also see it as a way for that person to one day ghost on a person, and a way for them to practice bad communication with the other and lead to one "misunderstanding" after another until the other blames the other for being crazy.

 

Not a good sign if that person says they want to take a break. That's all I am saying.

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There's no such thing as a break. Whenever someone's asking for a break, they're just being passive-aggressive about either wanting to break up or explore other options. Sorry...

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Sgthaytham

My date’s finals are in two weeks, yet she still finds the time to text me and plan to meet up.

 

I think it’s dead.

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Thanks all… this reiterated most of what I had already assumed.

 

-She’s not that into me.

-And busy people make time

 

I’m on the fence on whether I even text her ‘good luck’ anymore. On one hand, it would give me closure if I don’t get a 'I passed! or failed!" response but on the other hand she is the nervous shy type that’s clearly scared of rejection & won’t reciprocate unless sure it’s mutual.

 

 

I’m leaning “no” to the text and just going NC. And moving on to the next one.

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mortensorchid

And remember, I think we still have to be reminded of some things ...

 

This is not a TV show or a movie we are living in, this is real life. People think of those things thanks to TV shows / movies, and that's entertainment. DO NOT model yourself after what is or isn't going on during your favorite TV show.

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I would probably text and ask how it went. But only because I'd want closure. FWIW, to me, a break is a break up where the parties admit that they may want to get together at some point in the future where as a break up is saying goodbye.

 

So the question is, if she contacted you in four weeks and asked if you wanted to go out, would you be inclined? Some might say that's being abused and others might say that's being mature. I say do what you want and don't worry what others think.

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I would probably text and ask how it went. But only because I'd want closure. FWIW, to me, a break is a break up where the parties admit that they may want to get together at some point in the future where as a break up is saying goodbye.

 

 

I'll text tonight a "good luck" thing to give me closure & I'm then I'm fishing for 5 days with no phones so a chance to be disconnected.

 

We did agree to talk/celebrate after it was over. I was expecting more communication but I'm not gonna to be the one to just leave it...in case she expected more from me.

 

So the question is, if she contacted you in four weeks and asked if you wanted to go out, would you be inclined? Some might say that's being abused and others might say that's being mature. I say do what you want and don't worry what others think.

 

 

I'd probably say no. This is how we got back together. She broke up with me. I didn't fight it and moved on. Two months later she texts and wants to go for drinks. And now I'm here in some weird limbo another 2 months later....

 

thanks.

Edited by drakehead
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Why do you put up with that? You are the guy she sees when it's convenient for her. She's not taking this seriously....it's casual, just for fun.

 

 

Stop wasting your time. You are not going to get a relationship out of this...at all.

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i wished her well on her exam... she responded immediately and wished me well on my fishing trip. we exchanged a few texts on how life has been.... i cut it short and told her that if she passes the exam & would like to celebrate then she should text me. otherwise, maybe we will run into each somewhere in the future.

 

 

i then deleted her contact.

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i feel like this is necessary...first post under new name but this board helped me so much during my ex-wifes affair which lead to me divorcing her. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/459010-post-affair-opposite-sex-friends-9.html

 

happily divorced and dating.

 

This seems simple compared that other thread...

dated this girl for 6 mos, it ended.. and we got back together a couple months later. things were going good and until the last week or so...something seemed off. I was honest and expressed that I'm receiving mixed feelings from her and that if she wasn't in to me that she should tell me. She said this massive university course of hers is taking precedence and its crunch time for her. I suggested that we take it easy & ill talk to her after the exam in 3 weeks and we would celebrate after. She thought that was a good idea.

 

Ii felt good that day but thoughts crept in that I might have given her an easy way out of our relationship.

 

It''s been two weeks & neither has texted. Though I've thought about it.

 

I do like her though.

 

Are we on a break or did we break up? Not sure how you go from everyday communication to none at all.

 

The only text I plan to send is a good luck one to her before the exam.

 

I don't think she's into you enough. Send her one text and unless she keeps up the convo from there, next her. Ok on reading the thread now, I see you did that but not clear why you deleted her as a contact? It's probably for the best anyway like smackie said.

Edited by fredflint
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... but not clear why you deleted her as a contact? It's probably for the best anyway like smackie said.

 

 

i dunno. just felt like she's not that interested & i might be tempted at some later time...drunk or other to text her. id rather not. this prevents this. if she wants to communicate with me...she can and i told her that. but i don't think she will. and that's ok too. next.

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I'veseenbetterlol
Even if it is crunch time for exams, I don't think study is going to take every minute of every day. If it were me studying I'd still like to think I'd make time for a partner - sure, I'd ease up on the visits, but at least a text every day (or couple of days) is at least letting you stay connected. 3 weeks without contact is seriously backing away.

 

In your post you said you might have "gave her an easy way out of the relationship". If that is true, then she wasn't into you anyway. If she is into you, she would have tried to maintain more contact. Your plan to wait it out isn't a bad idea - but be aware it is likely you will need to move on. Either way, you will find out for certain at that point.

 

No one studies 24/7 and they def wouldn't stop messaging their partner for 3 weeks. If she took the easy way out, let her go, she isn't worth your time anyways. I don't suggest waiting it out cause it seems like she checked out already.

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