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Decrease in sex life, need to worry?!


Bananapancake

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Bananapancake

I'll make this as Short as possible. I have a awsome boyfriend since 7 months, we are very into each other and have had this real passion for each other and frequent sex. We see each other 4-5 times a week and has had sex about as many times per week. This has changed drastically and its really scaring me. I really Love this guy.

 

My boyfriend is under a lot of pressure, work wise. In Short, he's been working freelance within his field, but there is not much jobs to get. He's been trying to get a real contract for years and has now reached a point where he might have to change field completly, without knowing what he'd like to do instead. He just turned 30 and feel like he's not at all where he want to be at that age. He is moidy at times, sleeps badly, feeling very tired and I noticed that his interest in sex has gone to almost 0.

 

We talked about the sex part, he says he's not in the mood, that it has nothing g to fo with me etc. I've tried to be cool with it and loving towards him. Said its Okay, that I Love him and tried to show that with words and actions, like giving closeness without trying to seduce him. This has been going on for almost almost a long and it really really worries me. Is this normal?! Or am I about to loose him and might as well just realize that he's sick of sex with me?!

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Romantic_Antics

Well you said he's under a lot of pressure, stressed, and not sleeping well. I'd say that has more to do with it than him being sick of having sex with you. No man is ever sick of having sex. Trust me. I could probably still be in the mood at a funeral.

 

Now if you'd told us that he wasn't in the mood anymore without any underlying reasons that would be cause for concern. Just be patient and supportive, ask him if there's anything you can do to help, and he'll snap out of it eventually.

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Pressure and anxiety can wreak havoc on anyone.

 

However, that doesn't help you does it?

 

How long are you willing to wait?

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Bananapancake

Thank you for your words. Its somewhat what I've been thinking myself. It changed very rapiddly, at the same time he is still very loving. Tells me that he loves me etc. At the same time I notice that he feels very low and that it is hitting him very hard with the whole job situation, that he's very frustrated and that it is a kick in the balls to ve turn down all the time. (He has to audition for his job, so ot is a harsh process). He is right now also preparing for several auditions the next coming weeks which is basically like having several exams which you'd be judged for. I do understand that he's under pressure. He has however been that during our whole relationship, but perhaps the difference now is that he's trying for the last time before trying to figure put what to fo instead. Which means resettle and let go of a passion which he's had for many years without having a clue what to do instead.

 

An issue for me though is that we haven't been together for so long, and a part of me feels like it's too early for him to loose passion for having sex with me. I can't help thinking that I somehow turn him off? I also told him that if there is anything else, lack of novelty or something missing I'm very open to talk about it and without judging. I mean that also. He simply said that he loves sex with me and that it has nothing to do with me, but I can't relax and just be fine with that answer. Is sex very connected for guys with performance at work and self esteem etc? I'm so worried this Will become a habit and it makes me sad to loose a really good chemistty just like that. I've even been thinking g about taking a step back, to give him space to handle this on his own, to give him the chance to come back with renewed energy and also to keep my integrity. I mean it's not sexy to give that up either, its like giving up yourself. What do you think about that? I don't want to pinish nor push him away, but simply give him space to reconnect with himself and hopefully also miss the intimicy, without me waiting around right next to him all the time.

 

I'm also worried that bringing it up made it worse, but there really was an elephant in the room. What do you think?

Edited by Bananapancake
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Bananapancake
Pressure and anxiety can wreak havoc on anyone.

 

However, that doesn't help you does it?

 

How long are you willing to wait?

 

I believe sexual chemistry is easier to find than the feeling I have for this guy. It feels like he could be the one I want a future with, but it does scare me and if this keeps on, I really don't know. Its hurtful and no matter the reason and it is impossible for me to feel that it has nothing do do with me. But I really want him as a whole, he's a wonderful person.

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Romantic_Antics
An issue for me though is that we haven't been together for so long, and a part of me feels like it's too early for him to loose passion for having sex with me. I can't help thinking that I somehow turn him off?

 

No, you don't turn him off or he wouldn't have been having sex with you 4-5 times per week to begin with. There are rabbits that don't even have that much sex. :p

 

He told you what it is, you've seen it with your own eyes, and he's even reassured you that it's not you. I know it can feel like rejection to lose that intimacy, especially when it was so frequent, but trust him. Believe him.

 

Is sex very connected for guys with performance at work and self esteem etc?

Stress, depression, poor self-esteem, etc, can definitely have an impact on a person's appetite for sex, both male and female.

 

I've even been thinking g about taking a step back, to give him space to handle this on his own, to give him the chance to come back with renewed energy and also to keep my integrity. I mean it's not sexy to give that up either, its like giving up yourself. What do you think about that? I don't want to pinish nor push him away, but simply give him space to reconnect with himself and hopefully also miss the intimicy, without me waiting around right next to him all the time.

It actually might not be a bad idea to give him a little time and space. You can even tell him that you're going to and reassure him that you're here for him in every way so that the thought doesn't enter his head that you are punishing him or that would stress him out/injure his self-esteem even more.

 

I'm also worried that bringing it up made it worse, but there really was an elephant in the room. What do you think?

It's a bit of a Catch-22. On the one hand it may very well have put even more pressure on him, but on the other hand it wouldn't have been healthy for you to just bottle it up inside and not say anything so I think you did the right thing by at least discussing it with him.

 

Hopefully this situation resolves itself for both of you and for your relationship.

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ExpatInItaly

This is not unusual for a person who is stressed and feeling low, no. Libido is one of the first things to go when you're under duress.

 

I would give him some breathing room on this for a little bit. Be kind and supportive and show him you're not going to take this personally. Because I really don't think it's about you at all. Now would be the ideal opportunity to demonstrate what sort of partner you can be during rough times.

 

If this carries on for an extended period, then I would readdress it.

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Bananapancake

Thank you very Much for your words it means a lot, and I really need them as I have to hide these worries for my partner right now. So far I feel like I've handled it well with him. I try focusing on good things, telling him that I Love hin and that I think he's great, not showing my discomfort about the sexual part and try to hug him and touch him in a non sexual way. But it is tearing me apart so your words are very helpful.

 

This has been going on for 3 weeks now, more or less since his last according yo him "failure". I wish I could remove that feeling from him.

I don't know, but I'm affraid it'll get worse as he has a lot of pressure on front of him the next Month. I'm extra sensitive about it because i had a boyfriend before who stopped having sex with me because he felt like "Been there, done that", he also cheated and probably didn't really Love me at all, in Short that was a very bad relationship and experience. Even though i shouldnt compare those two it is adding a bit of stress. It was horrible yo go through.

 

I guess my vision is to step back a little, let him know I'm here though, not be clingy in any sense and I'll do my very best to not take things personally and be as strong as I can for him and for me. Hoping that he still deep down remember what he's feeling for me. I don't know if it's true, but he told me before that he's never been in Love like this before. It must count for something.

 

I'm affraid He'll leave me because he might feel like he can't make me happy, i know that is very important for him. He even asked the other day if he's still making me a little bit happy. I mean he is in general, so happy, just wish he knows that. Ofcourse its much nicer to be around someone when they're in a good place, but this moodyness is temporary, it doesnt define him.

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coolheadal

That problem works both ways might be more to it than he's telling you. 3 weeks almost month of no sex. Can you hold out longer than that. Could be 6 months no sex. What's more important the sex or him? Sometimes you have to look the other way and do what you think it best outcome in the end you no excuse either. These things happen. Say you wanted to get married but he didn't want to get married now so you tell him no more sex until we get married. How about those can worms.

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Is sex very connected for guys with performance at work and self esteem etc?

 

For a lot of guys ..... H--L YES!! Especially with a woman they truly love. When life is s--ting on you, sometimes you just want to lash out. That invites a desire to just do a 'hate f---k' - the LAST thing you want to do to a woman you love.

 

Keep letting him know you're there for him.

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Pressure and anxiety can wreak havoc on anyone.

 

However, that doesn't help you does it?

 

How long are you willing to wait?

 

^^ Absolutely this.

 

I've been there. I loved a girl but I got stuck in a mess which lead to immense stress. I was always going to get though it but she couldn't wait and ended our very long relationship.

 

You need to understand that this is life and will always happen during a relationship. Right now its him but it could have been you. The relationships that last take a lot of work, you don't get things in life for free. This is a make or break situation and its up to you which way you want to go.

 

I will say this as well. If he catches wind of the fact your feeling this, it will probably make him more stressed and just exacerbate the problem. So your options are basically:

 

1) Stay clam and let him take his time to get through this period of his life.

2) You talk to him about your concerns but in a way that doesn't add more stress.

3) You breakup.

 

If you choose option 1, that doesn't mean you sit back and watch him drown and collect red crosses against him. That's what my ex did and it hurts tremendously. Choosing Option 1 means your going the long haul and whatever comes with it. There's a good chance he will get to the other side if it's an external stress factor.

 

Whatever you do, don't sit on this, say nothing and just let him accumulate red crosses for months and months. It's not fair because when he finds out you have been feeling this way forever, it can be soul destroying.

 

You also need to remember that guys tend to think logically rather than purely on emotions. Right now his logic is saying something like this:

 

"I'm stressed out but i'm going to try to not take this out on my partner. I'll deal with this by keeping it to myself because I don't want her to see how stressed out I actually am. If I can do that and do the odd nice thing for her when I can, I can keep the relationship together until I get to the other side."

 

That's most likely his thought process right now.While your there wondering why there is an emotional/sexual void, he's trying to figure out how to solve it logically because sometimes staring the emotions head on can be too confronting when you have a lot on your plate.

 

This is definitely about him and not you. I know you want the spark back but bear in mind this always ends up happening to someone in a relationship. Sure 7 months in is quite soon but that just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.

 

If you love him like you do, you can endure this. If not, then your love for him is less than you thought.

 

Also, when a guy really likes a woman he could fall out of the honeymoon period sooner because he's starting to build the mindset his partner might be the ONE. I know it's reverse logic but it's a mistake so many guys make, they feel comfortable so they assume the woman they love feels the same way. Again, it's a case of guys thinking based on pure logic, forgetting that women think more on an emotional level.

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Again, it's a case of guys thinking based on pure logic, forgetting that women think more on an emotional level.

 

Well, in our hearts we believe and in our minds we tell ourselves it's 'logic'. It helps us feel that we are playing the protective 'man's role' to ensure the survival of the relationship. Your analysis, Spock? :D

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I have a hard time with a 29 year old man not wanting sex for 3 weeks and this because of stress. At 50 I'd be understanding but 29? .....

 

 

You said he's been under stress since the beginning of your relationship and it did not interfere with having sex 4-5 times a week then. Now it's gone to 0 cause the stress has shift a bit? nah I would not buy it.

 

 

How long did that 4-5 times a week sex-honeymoon last?

 

 

 

Did the sex slowed down or it abruptly stopped at some point?

 

 

This relationship is only 7 months old. He should be wanting sex at every moment stress or not.

 

 

 

He may have lost his desire for you but won't admit it to himself. I have a male friend who's just broke up with is girlfriend for this reason, it took him a while to face the truth that the desire was gone. If it's not the case for your boyfriend then do you really want to be with a man that shuts down physically when stress knocks at the door? If he does that at 29 what is he gonna do at 40? or 50? Stress is a huge part of life it will never go away.

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Bananapancake
I have a hard time with a 29 year old man not wanting sex for 3 weeks and this because of stress. At 50 I'd be understanding but 29? .....

 

 

You said he's been under stress since the beginning of your relationship and it did not interfere with having sex 4-5 times a week then. Now it's gone to 0 cause the stress has shift a bit? nah I would not buy it.

 

 

How long did that 4-5 times a week sex-honeymoon last?

 

 

 

Did the sex slowed down or it abruptly stopped at some point?

 

 

This relationship is only 7 months old. He should be wanting sex at every moment stress or not.

 

 

 

He may have lost his desire for you but won't admit it to himself. I have a male friend who's just broke up with is girlfriend for this reason, it took him a while to face the truth that the desire was gone. If it's not the case for your boyfriend then do you really want to be with a man that shuts down physically when stress knocks at the door? If he does that at 29 what is he gonna do at 40? or 50? Stress is a huge part of life it will never go away.

 

 

It lasted untill 3 weeks a go actually. We have had sex since but a lot less... and it's been a bit akward really... but it was a very sudden change, from going to very happy to very distant in an instant.

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It lasted untill 3 weeks a go actually. We have had sex since but a lot less... and it's been a bit akward really... but it was a very sudden change, from going to very happy to very distant in an instant.

 

 

May I ask what you mean by akward?

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Bananapancake
May I ask what you mean by akward?

 

He's just been very distant and not really himself. Saying he's in a dark mood, but still been wanting to see me a lot. Said that he likes having me there, but it's hard to know How to behave... the thing that is different from the beginning of our time together is that he's reached a point where he decided to give all, goong to auditions this summer, to really give it one last shot (lots of pressure). Before deciding what to do instead with his life in case it fails. So he has so much preparations.He is talking about wanting to move in together, told me plenty of times that he is very happy to have me in his life, etc.. his mind is just elsewhere. No days are good right now, just more or less bad..

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He's just been very distant and not really himself. Saying he's in a dark mood, but still been wanting to see me a lot. Said that he likes having me there, but it's hard to know How to behave... the thing that is different from the beginning of our time together is that he's reached a point where he decided to give all, goong to auditions this summer, to really give it one last shot (lots of pressure). Before deciding what to do instead with his life in case it fails. So he has so much preparations.He is talking about wanting to move in together, told me plenty of times that he is very happy to have me in his life, etc.. his mind is just elsewhere. No days are good right now, just more or less bad..

 

 

I am sorry you are going through this. He should visit his doctor he may be experiencing depression. Is he on meds? antidepressant? Would he tell you if he took meds? Antidepressants are libido killers.

 

 

 

I don't think it's the right time to talk about moving in together. This is a test of life and you need to see how he's going to work his way out of it. Maybe he thinks if you live together everything will go back to normal just like some people think getting married or having a baby will solve their problems, which you know doesn't.

 

 

 

This relationship is 7 months, not much backbone to survive a crisis especially a crisis about intimicy. Don't rush into anything and make a decision how long you are ready to endure this.

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do you really want to be with a man that shuts down physically when stress knocks at the door? If he does that at 29 what is he gonna do at 40? or 50? Stress is a huge part of life it will never go away.

 

total bs.

 

people learn their lessons. I can tell u now that if she leaves him, it will shock him and he will learn. I did.

 

But if she approaches this in a certain way, she might be able to shock him without the BU... hard to do but relationships aren't easy.

 

Yes stress is part of life but everyone has phases where it peaks or where for some reason it bothers us more than it would have had we been a different age etc. This is why we hear phrases like "midlife crisis" etc. She's only been with him for 7 months so we can't say this guy has been wrestling with himself for his entire life.

 

Also disagree with you about 7 months sex thing. If a guy really likes a girl a lot, the sex can actually slow down. He starts thinking about other things like how to maximise financial contribution etc. Yes, he should be wanting it occasionally but no way would i think he'd be doing it 5 times per day after 7 months.

 

But it's pretty rare for a woman to BU with a man she loves due to not enough sex. Something else must be going on here. This is just being blamed but I doubt it's the root cause. Maybe one or both of them don't love the other as much as they thought they did, hard to tell.....

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but it was a very sudden change, from going to very happy to very distant in an instant.

 

Hate to say it but the only thing that causes that is a 3rd party.

 

People can question their feelings for years but stay in a relationship because it beats being single etc. But when someone else comes along they really like, the act stops dead in its tracks.

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3 weeks is a rather short time in the grand scheme of things. Have you both actually had zero sex for the entire 3 weeks, or are we talking once a week or so?

 

Many men find that their self-esteem and confidence is strongly tied to their career and work performance, and also that that confidence is necessary for them to enjoy sex. Assuming everything else is okay, if you love this guy I'd just continue giving him support and be patient.

 

Ebbs and flows in your sex life are normal when it comes to LTRs. I actually think that, in the context of a potential life partner, it is a good sign that he takes his career seriously, rather than coasting and having plenty of sex while not really caring about where his career is taking him.

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total bs.

 

people learn their lessons. I can tell u now that if she leaves him, it will shock him and he will learn. I did.

 

But if she approaches this in a certain way, she might be able to shock him without the BU... hard to do but relationships aren't easy.

 

Yes stress is part of life but everyone has phases where it peaks or where for some reason it bothers us more than it would have had we been a different age etc. This is why we hear phrases like "midlife crisis" etc. She's only been with him for 7 months so we can't say this guy has been wrestling with himself for his entire life.

 

Also disagree with you about 7 months sex thing. If a guy really likes a girl a lot, the sex can actually slow down. He starts thinking about other things like how to maximise financial contribution etc. Yes, he should be wanting it occasionally but no way would i think he'd be doing it 5 times per day after 7 months.

 

But it's pretty rare for a woman to BU with a man she loves due to not enough sex. Something else must be going on here. This is just being blamed but I doubt it's the root cause. Maybe one or both of them don't love the other as much as they thought they did, hard to tell.....

 

 

My opinion is no more bs than yours. I would like to express a different opinion without it being called bs.

 

 

I am twice OP's age and have experience on my side including an ex who pretended he was too stressed for sex, turned out he was cheating around the clock with everything that moved.

 

 

 

I have never ever expected a man to have sex 5 times a day and 7 days a week. Yes sex will slow down A BIT when the relationship moves along but if the sex abruptly stop then there is something else going on and it's not stress! Could be depression, another woman, lost of desire for her.

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Bananapancake
Hate to say it but the only thing that causes that is a 3rd party.

 

People can question their feelings for years but stay in a relationship because it beats being single etc. But when someone else comes along they really like, the act stops dead in its tracks.

 

I highly doubt that, of all theories, this is the less likely. It started after a major let down after an audition. He´s never texting or doing hidden things on the phone, he´s most often with me, and in his state of mind I doubt he´d be with anyone else really. Also in this matter I trust him completly, he´s not the cheating type

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Bananapancake

About the sex thing. I asked him if he´s not really in the mood for sex, he first said that he hadn´t really thought about it (I believe he just said that). I said it´s okay, and really not a big deal, I just want to know because I also don´t want to force/push things.

 

We´ve had sex perhaps twice a week the last couple of weeks, mostly my initiative. This weekend he got turned on after we had a intimiate talk about something else, but yesterday he was cold again. We where going to shower together, and he asked if it´s okay to just shower together without having sex. I said ofcourse. He said, My body might react seeing you naked, but can we still just shower together? I agreed ofcourse. His body react and he made a small attempt, but nothing really happened. I told him that I was happy just to be close, that intimicy is really great and it doesn´t have to be intercourse/sex.

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About the sex thing. I asked him if he´s not really in the mood for sex, he first said that he hadn´t really thought about it (I believe he just said that). I said it´s okay, and really not a big deal, I just want to know because I also don´t want to force/push things.

 

We´ve had sex perhaps twice a week the last couple of weeks, mostly my initiative. This weekend he got turned on after we had a intimiate talk about something else, but yesterday he was cold again. We where going to shower together, and he asked if it´s okay to just shower together without having sex. I said ofcourse. He said, My body might react seeing you naked, but can we still just shower together? I agreed ofcourse. His body react and he made a small attempt, but nothing really happened. I told him that I was happy just to be close, that intimicy is really great and it doesn´t have to be intercourse/sex.

 

Twice a week is really not a big deal IMO. While everyone on the internet always seems to be having sex every day twice a day, statistically you're still above average in terms of frequency for a long-term couple. ;)

 

What are his plans re: shaping things up in his career? I can understand you not wanting to stick around if it turns out to be a long-term issue, but 3 weeks is really a short time.

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