Overthinking?

[Grey40]

Just having a tough time understanding this woman. we’ve hung out 4 times and we’ve had sex twice. We almost did on the first date but ended up waiting until the 2nd date because she “doesn’t do that in first dates” which was totally cool even though we both wanted to.

 

Date 2 she invited to her house and she cooked me dinner and we had sex and it was everything was great. So dates 1+2 were back to back nights.

 

After that second date, I tried to set up another date for a few days later to which she agreed but then bailed on for work related problems. So we rescheduled for a few days after that and she had to cancel again because of her mom having health related issue and her having to stay with her.

 

At first I thought she maybe was giving me hints that she wasn’t interested, but I thought maybe her excuses were legitimate. Finally about a week later I set up another date with her and she follows through and we meet up go for some coffee and a walk and have sex again.

 

I wait about 2 Days and then set up date 4 which was tonight and she had to cancel again for her moms issues (she has achronic disease). I offered that we hang out tomorrow and she never responded. She’s been generally not great with her phone, and she absolutely never initiated any conversations with me whatsoever, but when I do reach out she seems happy to hear from me and continues agreeing to dates. This was the first time she didn’t respond.

 

Is she finally ghosting? I thought because she kept agreeing and kept having sex with me that she was at least somewhat invested but maybe not? She’s been fairly tough to nail down and I feel like I’m having to go after her but I always leave a lot of space and usually only text to set up dates, so I don’t think it’s me being needy.

Edited May 26, 2018 by Grey40

[allez102]

Just having a tough time understanding this woman. we’ve hung out 4 times and we’ve had sex twice. We almost did on the first date but ended up waiting until the 2nd date because she “doesn’t do that in first dates” which was totally cool even though we both wanted to.

 

Date 2 she invited to her house and she cooked me dinner and we had sex and it was everything was great. So dates 1+2 were back to back nights.

 

After that second date, I tried to set up another date for a few days later to which she agreed but then bailed on for work related problems. So we rescheduled for a few days after that and she had to cancel again because of her mom having health related issue and her having to stay with her.

 

At first I thought she maybe was giving me hints that she wasn’t interested, but I thought maybe her excuses were legitimate. Finally about a week later I set up another date with her and she follows through and we meet up go for some coffee and a walk and have sex again.

 

I wait about 2 Days and then set up date 4 which was tonight and she had to cancel again for her moms issues (she has achronic disease). I offered that we hang out tomorrow and she never responded. She’s been generally not great with her phone, and she absolutely never initiated any conversations with me whatsoever, but when I do reach out she seems happy to hear from me and continues agreeing to dates. This was the first time she didn’t respond.

 

Is she finally ghosting? I thought because she kept agreeing and kept having sex with me that she was at least somewhat invested but maybe not? She’s been fairly tough to nail down and I feel like I’m having to go after her but I always leave a lot of space and usually only text to set up dates, so I don’t think it’s me being needy.

 

Possibly - but impossible to know 100%. If I was you I would give her a bit of space and stop initiating conversation and see if she does back? If she does - great, if she doesn’t, then you can move on. If she truly likes you she will make an effort to initiate conversation and make plans.

[Gaeta]

Sound like she is treating you like a booty call except she waits for you to call and if it's convenient she says ok.

 

You do all the calling

You do all the invites

If she is non available you do the rescheduling

 

I would call that mild interest on her part.

[d0nnivain]

It may be possible that she is still in the throws of dealing with mom.

 

You have the invite out there. Ball is in her court but I don't think she's as interested as you are.

[CrazyKatLady]

It doesn't sound like she is that invested due to issues in her life. It is your choice if you want to stick with it, but sounds like sex is the only common thread.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're using sex as a relationship scoreboard. Sex is no such thing.

 

People have sex for all kinds of reasons ...

 

Sex does not mean one is interested in having a relationship with someone ...

 

Sex does not mean someone wants to date you ...

 

Sex does not mean someone is in love with you ...

 

Sex does not mean this person really really likes you.

 

The better scoreboard is what what she says to you ... what you guys are talking about ... how much she is thinking of you ...

 

Her lack of responsiveness is a red flag ... You're initiating all the calls ... not good ... And you should back off and give her room or you will seem needy ...

 

In my experience ... if someone is really into you ... and say a mother turns up sick ... the person will still be able to take 5 minutes to text or call you and make you feel good ... because bluntly speaking you will be pleasure compared to the work of taking care of mom.

 

So that's a red flag ...

 

Chill ... give her room ... concentrate on other elements of the relationship ... go do an activity you both enjoy ... see what you have in common with her ... if you want a relationship.

 

Let the sex emerge from the relationship if you want a relationship.

 

Sex never creates the relationship. And sex by itself definitely ain't a good scoreboard.

Edited May 26, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[Grey40]

So I discovered that she has a male gym partner and they meal prep together once a week at his place, they've been doing this long before I met her or started talking to her. Not sure if she's seeing this guy, or hooking up or has feelings for him...but kind of hard to imagine you'd do that with someone that you don't, unless he's gay (which doesn't appear to be the case).

 

Could it be that maybe she feels guilty or somehow has feelings for that guy and maybe that's why she's kind of being hot and cold? Not sure what to do now having discovered this. She said she couldn't go out tonight, gave no reason, but unfortunately social media helps cut through people's deceit. Seems that perhaps I'm a backburner guy it appears, or maybe this guy really is just a friend, hard to tell.

[alphamale]

dude you need to wait a little longer to have sex if you're looking for a relationship. if you're just after sex then you're doing fine.

[Grey40]

dude you need to wait a little longer to have sex if you're looking for a relationship. if you're just after sex then you're doing fine.

 

I want to be in a relationship with someone that's ok with having sex, no matter how early it happens or anything. If you're both feeling it, then do it, wh have these arbitrary rules about it? I have no issue with the girl telling me to wait if she isn't ready or what not, but if she's going along with it and is ok with it then I usually go for it. I feel like you start doing that often and then that can turn into a relationship.

 

My last gf we had sex on the 3rd date, the relationship only lasted 3 months, but it was a legitimate serious thing. The distance between us is ultimately what broke us up.

[alphamale]

My last gf we had sex on the 3rd date, the relationship only lasted 3 months, but it was a legitimate serious thing.

 

a relationship that lasts 12 weeks is not a "serious thing"

[Lotsgoingon]

"I feel like you start doing that often and then that can turn into a relationship."

 

That statement completely misunderstands sex, romance and relationships.

 

Sure ... sex can turn into a relationship ... but if so, it's not the frequency of sex that leads to a relationship ... The relationship emerges because the couple has a connection going on besides sex ... like mutual interests, sense of humor, goals, values, dreams, hopes, ability to nurture each other.

 

Sex cannot make someone like you more ...

[nospam99]

Sex cannot make someone like you more ...

 

But it can make me like them more. Funny how that works ...

 

nospam ducks for cover.

[Gaeta]

Is she youngish? I was watching a documentary this morning and they were saying that young people now have sex right away on a first-second meet and then later on they'll ask themselves if they wish for a relationship. It's no more about getting to know someone and building a connection first.

 

 

 

When a woman likes a man you don't have to guess, she communicates with you, she is setting up dates, and she keeps her prime-time for you like Saturday nights.

 

 

 

Did you meet her online? What was her goal on there? Sounds to me like she was only looking for casual.

[alphamale]

When a woman likes a man you don't have to guess, she communicates with you, she is setting up dates, and she keeps her prime-time for you like Saturday nights.

 

yeah, that's pretty true

[Romantic_Antics]

dude you need to wait a little longer to have sex if you're looking for a relationship.

 

This isn't true. I've had great relationships where sex occurred on the first date or after multiple dates. Even my wife, whom I was with for 7 years before she died in a tragic car accident at the age of 29, slept with me on our 2nd date and we would most likely still be together if not for **** luck.

 

There's no real timeline if the chemistry is there and both people are open to it. I just go with the flow and do whatever feels right in the moment whether it's the first date or the 5th date.

[fredflint]

So I discovered that she has a male gym partner and they meal prep together once a week at his place, they've been doing this long before I met her or started talking to her. Not sure if she's seeing this guy, or hooking up or has feelings for him...but kind of hard to imagine you'd do that with someone that you don't, unless he's gay (which doesn't appear to be the case).

 

Could it be that maybe she feels guilty or somehow has feelings for that guy and maybe that's why she's kind of being hot and cold? Not sure what to do now having discovered this. She said she couldn't go out tonight, gave no reason, but unfortunately social media helps cut through people's deceit. Seems that perhaps I'm a backburner guy it appears, or maybe this guy really is just a friend, hard to tell.

 

I think your gut instinct is reasonable here. It doesn't really matter anyway. As a rule, in my experience, if she's not chasing you at least to some degree, she's not the one for you. It's true some women like the men to do ALL the running, but I have zero interest in women like that.

[alphamale]

This isn't true. I've had great relationships where sex occurred on the first date or after multiple dates. Even my wife, whom I was with for 7 years before she died in a tragic car accident at the age of 29, slept with me on our 2nd date and we would most likely still be together if not for **** luck.

 

There's no real timeline if the chemistry is there and both people are open to it. I just go with the flow and do whatever feels right in the moment whether it's the first date or the 5th date.

 

my real world experience is that girls worth having usually force the man to wait to have sex

[Romantic_Antics]

I think your gut instinct is reasonable here. It doesn't really matter anyway. As a rule, in my experience, if she's not chasing you at least to some degree, she's not the one for you. It's true some women like the men to do ALL the running, but I have zero interest in women like that.

 

Ditto. I lose interest pretty quick if I'm the one doing all of the pursuing and initiating all of the contact. To me it's a signal that they're not that into me and that I shouldn't waste my time.

[swenann991]

Huh, in simple words: I think you are overthinking

[LifeBeginsAt40]

I'm guessing we are of a similar age? I have recently been going through something quite similar. Asked a woman who I work with out a few months ago. Took a few weeks to get a date in the diary, but then, fireworks, chemistry, just mind blowing. We've always flirted, but it was just like dynamite going off...

 

Anyway, the point to this is that she is incredibly bad at texts. I pretty much broke all the dating rules - double texting, initiating all the time, chase chase chase. When we were together it was just crazy, but the times apart we excruciating. I would be sitting staring at my phone etc etc. You know the drill.

 

Anyway, reading around, all the advice was that she just wasn't in to me and to drop her etc. In two months, she organised 1 date, but would never blow me out when I suggested something. Anyway, I'm just back from hers now and we are BF / GF as of a few hours ago. She is a nurse and works all over the place, nights, weekends etc. She basically said that a lot of the time she was just too tired, or wanted to chill out on her breaks rather than text people. She is much more of a face to face sort of girl - leaves her phone at home when we go out on dates, takes an eternity to get back to you etc.

 

My point is that everyone is different. I have been all over the place with worry that this chick wasn't in to me, but turns out she very much was. Just my insecurities etc creating doubts in my head. She is the only who can tell you, so you need to have the chat with her.

 

As for not having sex on the first date - rubbish. If it feels right, do it. With my new girl she was busting to on our first night out, but I was drunk and didn't. We did the next day and she said to me the other day she thought I didn't find her attractive because I didn't jump on her first date when she was offering it. Been in two long term relationships where we had sex on the first date. Get over it. It's 2018!

[Grey40]

Yeah that’s the biggest thing, If I back off and give her space I feel like I’ll never hear from her ever again and that’ll be it. Sucks to be stuck in that situation. You want to text them and talk to them and see them, but you risk coming on too strong and making them lose interest. I do like it better when the girl does some initiating here and there so you can answer back and move the conversation along.

 

This one has been strange in paritxular because she’s bailed on 3/6 dates—two of those being legimitate excuses, and we have had sex and she’s usually pretty happy to hear from me and always says stuff like “looking forward to it ” or l”I’m excited”

Edited May 27, 2018 by Grey40

[LifeBeginsAt40]

Yeah that’s the biggest thing, If I back off and give her space I feel like I’ll never hear from her ever again and that’ll be it. Sucks to be stuck in that situation. You want to text them and talk to them and see them, but you risk coming on too strong and making them lose interest. I do like it better when the girl does some initiating here and there so you can answer back and move the conversation along.

 

This one has been strange in paritxular because she’s bailed on 3/6 dates—two of those being legimitate excuses, and we have had sex and she’s usually pretty happy to hear from me and always says stuff like “looking forward to it ” or l”I’m excited”

 

I think the best advice I can give you is be yourself. We have got too caught up with playing games in the dating arena. You must wait two days before sending a text, you must never double text, you must ignore a message every now and again to keep them keen.

 

I ignored all of this when chasing my girl, and it worked. If I felt like texting her, I would. If I felt like calling her I would. I think ultimately if she likes you then she likes you. If you are meant to be together then you will be. If she starts going cold then you know that it just wasn't meant to be, and that has nothing to do with whether you have been texting too much or whatever else.

 

To give you the flip side to this, one of my best friends just started to see a new guy. We talk about our love lives a lot. He sent her 116 text messages one night. Yes, you read that right, she woke up with 116 messages on her phone. Mostly just silly stuff, but still. This guy had also been sending her flowers, buying her presents etc etc. WAAAYYYYYYYY too strong hey? Thing is, she went from this bloke is weird to actually quite liking the attention he was giving her. She went from initially being not interested to now them being an item and they are away for a long weekend at present. I expect them to come back an item! Bottom line is there must have been something there that she liked in him, so by just being himself he got her.

 

I think in this day and age, a bit of romance is a good thing. We all go on apps and send impersonal right swipes to one another all day long. We then wonder why we don't make any genuine connections in the world. Maybe by chasing, wooing, being in touch lots, sending silly little presents etc you stand out from all the other bozos who just swipe right, buy her a glass of wine and expect sex!

[Gaeta]

Anyway, reading around, all the advice was that she just wasn't in to me and to drop her etc. In two months, she organised 1 date, but would never blow me out when I suggested something. Anyway, I'm just back from hers now and we are BF / GF as of a few hours ago. She is a nurse and works all over the place, nights, weekends etc.

 

 

Out of curiosity how often do you see your girlfriend?

[act00]

She has a lot on her plate and while it seems she very much likes you and enjoys you, she's not in a place she can really pursue, maybe? Maybe she just wants casual? No strings, no promises, just time with you and some sex when she has the time and energy.

 

Sex is not a gauge of her interest. Her wanting to be with you, talk to you, is.

 

I fully understand this fear of not hearing from her again. I think a lot of us have been there, and we do stop texting and we stop hearing from them. I've been around this quite a few times...occasionally I get some coming back after weeks or months...can't figure it out other than I'm the backup when the others don't pan out. It's not like I've slept with all these men, though potential booty might be their goal, I don't know.

 

I would be dropping the rope if I had to reach out all the time and he never does...which I have done; I've just stopped and dropped the rope. I'm female, and men typically pursue, so if they're not into me enough to reach out, plan a date, just chat (not all day texts or every day, necessarily), and I'm the only one reaching out to them, then it's because they have low to no interest.

 

She sounds pretty great in a lot of ways, OP, and it's tough when you have to deal with aging parents, kids, work, and I can understand her not being all over texting or talking all the time and obligations getting in the way, let alone just being tired and needing to decompress, alone...not worry about pleasing or caring for another person, but one would think she could toss you a text once in awhile, offer another day or time for a date due to having to cancel or not having time, etc.

 

I think your choice is to decide whether or not this setup will work for you, and decide how long you're willing to put time into it. Is it worth it? How long? Will things change? When? It's a new relationship, so she's not going to throw her family issues at you, let alone other life stresses. If you can be okay with calling and planning, being let down by cancellations, and enjoying the time you have, while trying not to get too invested, it might be worth it to stick it out...see how things go. At some point you're going to have to decide if this is what you want and if you can wait for life to allow more time, and for her to invest more...maybe she never will. She likes the escape, the touch, the companionship, the sex, the holding...but not interested in long-term or not really all that into you.

 

I have no answer other than see what happens or stop.

[LifeBeginsAt40]

Out of curiosity how often do you see your girlfriend?

 

It's hard to give an exact figure. It will be a few times a week, but not always for the whole night - she might have to go to work etc. The next couple of weeks it might be one or two times as we are both mutually really busy. July settles down a little bit, so will hopefully be a bit more. I think this is the problem. We both work shifts, so if our schedules don't align then we may be going a week maybe two before we can meet up. It's going to be part of the territory unfortunately for us both.