cnl587 Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 Hi everyone, I'm a 30 year old female and have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year. We moved into things really fast and when we're good - it's great. Early on in the relationship, before we officially had a label and it wasn't clear if we were exclusive, I made the mistake of sleeping with someone else. He found out and was obviously furious, but since we weren't ever clear as to what we were, he was able to see past it (sort of). I'm divorced and I was honest about the fact that I wasn't always faithful towards the end of my marriage - it was a toxic relationship. He's had trust issues since then, understandably. He moved out of state and asked me to come with him. I originally said no because I didn't know anyone or have any support system where he was moving, but after he left, I realized how much I missed him and made the leap against my better judgement. The issue now is he's become very unpredictable - one second he's telling me about what he's looking for in a partner and he sees an future with and loves me. It could be an hour later and he's tearing me up about how he could sleep with whoever he wants, doesn't want to waste his time and he's bored. It's so confusing and it's triggered by absolutely nothing. When he goes out of town it's a million times worse. He's had a few bachelor parties over the recent weekends and if I don't answer him right away he freaks out and makes up scenarios in his head where I'm cheating on him. Usually he's drunk and it's late at night and I'm asleep which is why I don't answer. He's going out of town again tomorrow for his brother's bachelor party all weekend and I'm dreading it. I tell him he can call me/FaceTime whatever he wants and he has my social media passwords as a measure of good faith. When he gets pissed he tells me I could always go back to my ex husband. It's exhausting and hurtful and I'm living what I was dreading - living in an unfamiliar state where he's the only person I even really know and I'm just completely conflicted about what to do. Sorry for the long post, lol! But any advice is welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 This relationship has become toxic, too. I would break it off and find someone more emotionally stable. Wipe the slate clean and start afresh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 I am very sorry you are going through this. What ever problems relationships may have it's always amplified once we move in together. He had an issue with your past already when you decided to move to him and now it's blowing up out of proportion. I am sure you heard 100s of time that with no trust there is no relationship, we hear it a lot because it's true. He doesn't trust you, it's unjustified, but it doesn't make it easier for him. He cannot get control over his personal demons. At the end of the day he's unhappy and you're unhappy. You cannot fix him and unless he's willing to seek therapy for his jealousy and lack of trust it will only get worse. Honestly I think you should pack your things this weekend and go back home. It's better to have only lost 1 year in this than spend the next years trying to fix the unfixable and end up separating anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 (edited) End it. All he is doing is punishing you for not having your heart committed to him like he was with you at that time. Obviously he finds it too painful. If this is how he deals with life's challenges, he will not be a very good husband to you. If you don't want toxic, get out of this relationship. it's kinda like this...if he is hurting, you must hurt too. Edited May 25, 2018 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cnl587 Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 What ever problems relationships may have it's always amplified once we move in together. He had an issue with your past already when you decided to move to him and now it's blowing up out of proportion. At the end of the day he's unhappy and you're unhappy. You cannot fix him and unless he's willing to seek therapy for his jealousy and lack of trust it will only get worse. Funny part is I have my own apartment here so I have to wait out my lease. I found it odd he asked me to move and then suggested I get my own place. We have been seeing one another on pretty much a daily basis, however, since we met and rarely sleep apart. To me it seems like a giant waste of money, like I'm paying for a really expensive storage space Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 Funny part is I have my own apartment here so I have to wait out my lease. I found it odd he asked me to move and then suggested I get my own place. We have been seeing one another on pretty much a daily basis, however, since we met and rarely sleep apart. To me it seems like a giant waste of money, like I'm paying for a really expensive storage space On top of that once you made the big decision to leave everything behind for him he dares to ask you to move in your own apartment! So you made all the sacrifices to be together and he still cannot trust in your love for him. This will not magically turn into your dream relationship. Why waste some of the best years of your life on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 This relationship sounds toxic. And I'll be blunt ... Guys who randomly accuse women of cheating with no real reason ... a lot of the time, it's because they are cheating on the women. They feel some anxiety about the cheating and they get to thinking, wait if I cheat, she could cheat ... But they don't wanna own up to the cheating, so in some twisted way ... he gets stupidly needlessly jealous of you. Really bad sign. I've seen this opera way too many times. High chance he's cheating on you and picking fights and bullying you to get rid of his discomfort. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 This guy is following the script of verbal abusers to the letter. See below. 1 - find out facts about gf so that you can throw it in her face at an given time to keep her on edge 2 - isolate her away from family and friends 3 - corner her into a situation that she can't easily get out of 4 - speak in an irrational and unreasonable manner when she brings up things you don't want to talk about 5 - just when she thinks she's had enough of the abuse, show her your fake good side so that she'll think you're really this great guy deep down and all she has to do is convince you to be that person 6 - create any other manner of insanity that you can throw her way, behave unpredictably and keep her confused 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 Funny part is I have my own apartment here so I have to wait out my lease. I found it odd he asked me to move and then suggested I get my own place. We have been seeing one another on pretty much a daily basis, however, since we met and rarely sleep apart. To me it seems like a giant waste of money, like I'm paying for a really expensive storage space Wow, really? I would not have agreed to that. I would end it and start actually living in your own apartment; this man is not a good partner he has far too much control over you. The dynamic in this relationship is so incredibly unhealthy and you deserve a lot better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cnl587 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Share Posted May 31, 2018 I know, red flags all over and yet I can't get over the guy. Today was likely the final straw as it was my birthday Tuesday - he wined and dined me and we had a great time... Only for him to end things today out of nowhere. Probably for the better but damn... Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 I know, red flags all over and yet I can't get over the guy. Today was likely the final straw as it was my birthday Tuesday - he wined and dined me and we had a great time... Only for him to end things today out of nowhere. Probably for the better but damn... Wait... he just broke it off after taking you out for dinner? What happened? This guy sounds crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cnl587 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Share Posted May 31, 2018 Wait... he just broke it off after taking you out for dinner? What happened? This guy sounds crazy. It's so confusing - nothing changed on my end that i know of it's so frustrating Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 It's so confusing - nothing changed on my end that i know of it's so frustrating He probably got vibes that you were about to dump him so he intercepted. My guess is he’ll return and expect you to be grateful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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