Making sure your partner doesn't take you for granted?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I was wondering how to find a balance so as to not be taken advantage of. Being a high demand woman isn't in my nature, but I've noticed guys I've dated did everything for those high maintenance women. I had to work w/my bf for him to give me more rides from his house to my home (I would always take the bus there and usually would take it back as well). I've been told how much better I am then previous exes, yet the guys seem very hesitant to go out of their way for me like they did previously (cooking, cleaning etc). How can I find a balance, I really do not want to be taken for granted. Btw I do go out of my way for guys, but a lot of times I hesitate due to not being appreciated.

Edited May 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[PegNosePete]

Find someone who does not take you for granted, and doesn't need to be coerced into doing nice things for you.

[basil67]

Guys will willingly do what they want to do. (As will women). If you have to work hard to get a person to do what you want, it simply means that this isn't something they particularly want to do. At this point you can either accept that they are doing it grudgingly and be happy with that or go without. Or in the case of driving you home, be responsible for your own transport or stay the night.

 

Thing is, you can't change him so that he wants to do what you think he should want to do. He either wants it or not. It's one of the compatibility things you have to figure out if it's a deal breaker or not.

 

As for being high maintenance, I guess it's all a matter of perspective. You may see a woman who asks for more than you as being high maintenance. But others who ask for less than you may think that you are high maintenance. There's really no sense in comparing with others.

[d0nnivain]

When I first met my husband he said something about not liking high maintenance women who expect men to buy them stuff. I thought we were doomed & I'd never have a relationship with him. On our 1st date he took me to a cheap Mexican place. On our 3rd date I took him to a great bistro that I like, with white table cloths, heavy silverware & complicated wine list. He later told me that me doing that showed him I wasn't high maintenance but I was somebody with standards. Yes I had certain expectations but I was happy to provide them for myself, I just expected everybody else including him to step up. He was happy to meet that challenge.

 

As for the transportation to your guy's house, I think you getting yourself there but expecting him to get you home is not unreasonable especially if late night safety is an issue. The one caveat could be if he'd been drinking. Another option could be he spends more time at yours.

 

But back to my example, since you don't drive, you are clearly competent to take public transportation when it suits you. It's a tad unfair to expect a partner to fill in a gap (driving) you are unwilling to supply yourself, unless it's a matter of you being unable to drive due to a health issue or something.

 

It's about boundaries. It may be about asking. It can be about treating him the way you want to be treated.

[Shining One]

Early on in my current relationship, my girlfriend wanted me to pick her up from her place and then take her home the next day. I put a stop to that fairly quickly. She has her own car... she just doesn't want to drive. It was either two trips for her or four trips for me. I would have grown to resent that over time.

 

As for the general question... it's all about balance. Historically, I used to put a lot of effort into the women I dated. They rarely reciprocated. This lead to resentment over time. Now, I try to maintain a reasonably balanced give and take in my relationships and I'm much happier for it.

[girlinNYC]

Have clear boundaries and you won't be taken for granted, especially if you stick to them. They may not admit it all the time but men appreciate and respect that in a woman. The more respect a man has, the more respect you will get back.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Guys will willingly do what they want to do. (As will women). If you have to work hard to get a person to do what you want, it simply means that this isn't something they particularly want to do. At this point you can either accept that they are doing it grudgingly and be happy with that or go without. Or in the case of driving you home, be responsible for your own transport or stay the night.

 

Thing is, you can't change him so that he wants to do what you think he should want to do. He either wants it or not. It's one of the compatibility things you have to figure out if it's a deal breaker or not.

 

As for being high maintenance, I guess it's all a matter of perspective. You may see a woman who asks for more than you as being high maintenance. But others who ask for less than you may think that you are high maintenance. There's really no sense in comparing with others.

 

I was actually referring to the women (and men) who treat their partner like crap and cheat on them.

[d0nnivain]

I was actually referring to the women (and men) who treat their partner like crap and cheat on them.

 

that's a non starter. Why would you stay with such a person? They cheat, you leave. Very simple.

 

There is a world of difference between being taken for granted & being treated like crap.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

that's a non starter. Why would you stay with such a person? They cheat, you leave. Very simple.

 

There is a world of difference between being taken for granted & being treated like crap.

 

In reference to my question, I was wondering why people (men and women both) seem to go out of their way for someone who treats them like crap, but when they meet someone who respects them, they don't go out of their way for them.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds simple and easier said than done ... but:

 

Ask for what you want ...

 

Ask unapologetically for what you want.

 

Avoid begging for what you want ...

 

Avoid guilt-tripping for what you want.

 

Ask for exactly what you want.

 

I want to come over tonight and I want to get a ride home tonight and each time I come over from here on out.

 

So ... as in the above ... avoid asking ... "Could you ..."

 

No, go with the "I want ..." or "I would like a ride home when I come to your house."

 

You will be nervous the first times you make an ask, as they say. You may even feel like you're asking too much ... You may feel as soon as you make your request that ... he's gonna think you're asking for too much.

 

Don't be fooled by those feelings ... Ignore them ... Those feelings are just a sign that you're not used to asking for what you want.

 

Once you start this, keep going ... the funny thing is that half the time, the person will totally like you more for asking for what you want ... because now they have a better sense of what you think and what you're looking for.

Edited May 25, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Sounds simple and easier said than done ... but:

 

Ask for what you want ...

 

Ask unapologetically for what you want.

 

Avoid begging for what you want ...

 

Avoid guilt-tripping for what you want.

 

Ask for exactly what you want.

 

I want to come over tonight and I want to get a ride home tonight and each time I come over from here on out.

 

So ... as in the above ... avoid asking ... "Could you ..."

 

No, go with the "I want ..." or "I would like a ride home when I come to your house."

 

You will be nervous the first times you make an ask, as they say. You may even feel like you're asking too much ... You may feel as soon as you make your request that ... he's gonna think you're asking for too much.

 

Don't be fooled by those feelings ... Ignore them ... Those feelings are just a sign that you're not used to asking for what you want.

 

Once you start this, keep going ... the funny thing is that half the time, the person will totally like you more for asking for what you want ... because now they have a better sense of what you think and what you're looking for.

 

I guess I have the mindset that if the person cares, you don't have to ask. When I ask I feel like I'm forcing the person to do it.

[Lotsgoingon]

That mindset is called the "mind-reading" theory of human communication.

 

Uh ... no ... People have to be told what we want ... A relationship is the ongoing discovery of who the partner is ... People are married decades and still learn new stuff about the partner ... You're expecting this guy to read your mind at the very start of a relationship?

 

This might be some passive-aggressive stuff you learned in your family. The Don't ask ... Just guilt and manipulate people into doing what you want. Allows people to play martyr.

 

I cannot tell you the number of times I held back asking a partner for something ... only to find out later that the person wanted to give it to me all along ... but was trying to respect my apparent preference.

 

You're an adult. You're expected to ask for what you want. Kids are the people that need mommy and daddy to interpret what they want, but that's only for a few years ... In not very long mommy and daddy will interrupt the kid's incommunicative tantrum and demand that the kid spell out exactly what he/she wants.

 

You are not a generic person ... some people might not want a ride because they love exercise ... or fresh air ... or walking, etc ... He has no way of knowing what you want ... even if he were to sit around all day thinking about it.

[preraph]

I agree with what you said. Many people will treat people better who expect better and be lazy for anyone who'll put up with it. I don't think it's uncommon at all.

 

I just suggest you make a list of things you expect and would appreciate and once you see the relationship might last, start discussing each one. Maybe you have to do it because he was bad about something, but it's better to discuss it before that happens. "One thing I really appreciate about having a boyfriend in my life is being able to depend on someone when my car craps out or I'm not feeling well, someone who will drive me to work when necessary or run to the drugstore for Pepto Bismol." If you can say it like praising and appreciation, it won't be taken badly in all likelihood.

 

Or maybe after he's done something like pick his glass up and taken it to the kitchen, you say, "I'm so glad you pick up after yourself. Whoever I end up with will be good like that and split the chores."

 

Just little by little tell him what you expect. Get out ahead of it so it's not nagging after he didn't do something he had no idea was important to him. You have to TELL men, and then they're told nicely, and then if they love you or even like you, they'll try to do those things. If not, they won't.

Edited May 25, 2018 by preraph

[I'veseenbetterlol]

That mindset is called the "mind-reading" theory of human communication.

 

Uh ... no ... People have to be told what we want ... A relationship is the ongoing discovery of who the partner is ... People are married decades and still learn new stuff about the partner ... You're expecting this guy to read your mind at the very start of a relationship?

 

This might be some passive-aggressive stuff you learned in your family. The Don't ask ... Just guilt and manipulate people into doing what you want. Allows people to play martyr.

 

I cannot tell you the number of times I held back asking a partner for something ... only to find out later that the person wanted to give it to me all along ... but was trying to respect my apparent preference.

 

You're an adult. You're expected to ask for what you want. Kids are the people that need mommy and daddy to interpret what they want, but that's only for a few years ... In not very long mommy and daddy will interrupt the kid's incommunicative tantrum and demand that the kid spell out exactly what he/she wants.

 

You are not a generic person ... some people might not want a ride because they love exercise ... or fresh air ... or walking, etc ... He has no way of knowing what you want ... even if he were to sit around all day thinking about it.

 

I have gotten better about asking for sure. He actually stated that he had been hesitant to give me rides because I might start expecting them like his ex did. That's the thing that bothers me the most, that he may be holding back because of what happened w/his ex.

[JuneL]

Is there a reason why you can’t drive? It’s actually a lot to expect someone to you rides all the time.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Is there a reason why you can’t drive? It’s actually a lot to expect someone to you rides all the time.

 

Parking at his place is terrible and not the greatest neighborhood, plus the bus drops me off pretty close to his place. Thing is, I don't expect a ride everywhere, but at least coming or going to his place.

[Gaeta]

If I remember well you do not have a car so you depend on your boyfriend to pick you up and drive you back.

 

Men 'unconsciously' may have less respect for women that depend on them. In this day and age you should be independant and not rely on a boyfriend to drive you around. I can assure you it does get old fast for a man to drive his girlfriend around.

 

If you feel your bf is slowing down in wanting to do things for you I suggest you get a car, I don't care if it's an old rusty thing you paid $500 it's a car that = independance then stop doing so much for him in terms of cooking and see how that will change the dynamic between you 2.

[Shining One]

Thing is' date=' I don't expect a ride everywhere, but at least coming or going to his place.[/quote']As someone who has done this for exes in the past, this does get irritating over time. It's one trip for you to get home. It's two trips for him to take you home and then get back to his place. Four if he has to pick you up too.

[JuneL]

Parking at his place is terrible and not the greatest neighborhood' date=' plus the bus drops me off pretty close to his place. Thing is, I don't expect a ride everywhere, but at least coming or going to his place.[/quote']

 

So you can drive and have access to a car? If transportation is your major concern, then yeah ask your bf to visit you at your place instead. Unless you live like 10 mins from him, driving back and forth to pick you up and drop you home often is a big hassle.

[JuneL]

Paradoxically, your example demonstrates that your bf is setting boundaries so that you won’t take him for granted as your personal chauffeur.

[Lotsgoingon]

Can you invite him to your place?

 

Why is it your job to go to his place?

 

Ask for it if that feels right.

[Lorenza]

How not to be taken for granted, what I've learned from my own experiences

1) don't be too available. Don't meet him everything he suggest, you have stuff to do that doesn't involve him (and if you don't, you should).

2) speak up. When you don't like something - tell. When you don't want to do something - don't. Be angry, when you're angry. Let them know you won't be dealing with their crap.

3) and the main one - don't be afraid of losing them. We do a lot of things that lower our self respect when we're afraid. I've convinced myself that nobody (except my family and closest friends) are so essential to my life that I should have those fears.

 

But also - don't stay with someone who already takes you for granted, as it's really hard to reprogram someone who already sees you in a certain light. Sometimes it's best to take a break from relationships, get yourself straightened up and start fresh.

[Lotsgoingon]

He actually stated that he had been hesitant to give me rides because I might start expecting them like his ex did. That's the thing that bothers me the most, that he may be holding back because of what happened w/his ex.

 

OK, this line bothers me ... You shouldn't be told what the ex did ... You might want something that the ex didn't want. And legitly so.

 

So really, there's something demeaning about him saying I don't wanna do x ... because you might become like my X.

 

He is with you ... and you have your own set of preferences and expectations ... I'd call him out on this one ... very unfair ... it's like he's not seeing you, comparing you to an X.

 

Actually he's being quite manipulative by discrediting something you might want by saying the bad x wanted it. (This is also a sign that he hasn't really moved past the resentments he has about the x.)

 

You can flip the script and say you want him to give you a ride because you don't want him to be lazy and stupid and selfish like YOUR ex was. I know: that sounds mean, right? ... But that's basically what he said to you.

[Gaeta]

He actually stated that he had been hesitant to give me rides because I might start expecting them like his ex did. That's the thing that bothers me the most, that he may be holding back because of what happened w/his ex.

 

OK, this line bothers me ... You shouldn't be told what the ex did ... You might want something that the ex didn't want. And legitly so.

 

So really, there's something demeaning about him saying I don't wanna do x ... because you might become like my X.

 

He is with you ... and you have your own set of preferences and expectations ... I'd call him out on this one ... very unfair ... it's like he's not seeing you, comparing you to an X.

 

Actually he's being quite manipulative by discrediting something you might want by saying the bad x wanted it. (This is also a sign that he hasn't really moved past the resentments he has about the x.)

 

You can flip the script and say you want him to give you a ride because you don't want him to be lazy and stupid and selfish like YOUR ex was. I know: that sounds mean, right? ... But that's basically what he said to you.

 

I don't think it's the case here. The man was already in a bad position and he doesn't want it to repeat itself. He is being smart and applying boundaries he didn't before. OP wants him to pick her up and bring her back that's 4 trips and this every weekend. He doesn't want to spend all that time on the road can you blame him? And she doesn't live around he corner. Bringning up and ex was not policitally correct but when we've had bad experiences and don't want to repeat them the 'ex' example will come up, we all do it. I still do it accidently 52 years old. He doesn't have to pay for her lack of independance.

[coolheadal]

I was wondering how to find a balance so as to not be taken advantage of. Being a high demand woman isn't in my nature' date=' but I've noticed guys I've dated did everything for those high maintenance women. I had to work w/my bf for him to give me more rides from his house to my home (I would always take the bus there and usually would take it back as well). I've been told how much better I am then previous exes, yet the guys seem very hesitant to go out of their way for me like they did previously (cooking, cleaning etc). How can I find a balance, I really do not want to be taken for granted. Btw I do go out of my way for guys, but a lot of times I hesitate due to not being appreciated.[/quote']

 

I've learned to appreciate women for that they're done for me and I tell them so and thank them for being the type of woman they are. If men you date don't do this they you need to get rid of them and find those that appreciate yourself worth.