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Girlfriend snapchats friend who she previously slept with


swilliams92

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swilliams92

I (25M) have been with my girlfriend (30F) for just over 8 months. We’re both teachers working abroad and just clicked when we met. Our social circle is quite small so we have a lot of the same groups of friends and spend pretty much every evening together.

 

This is my second serious relationship, my first being when I was 17-19. Throughout the relationship she had lots of guy friends but I was secure in myself and didn’t mind. She would try to make me jealous about this but it just didn’t faze me. Anyway, we broke up for different reasons and within a week she got into a relationship with one of these ‘friends’ that she always said I didn’t need to worry about. I was devastated. Not because I wanted her back, although I think I did at the time, but because the whole relationship then felt like a lie to me.

 

I’ve then been single, by choice, gone to university, travelled a bit, qualified as a teacher and had a few ‘seeing each other’ and dating situations along the way as well as a fair bit of fun.

 

My girlfriend on the other hand has had 3 serious relationships prior to me. Her first boyfriend was when she was younger, 17-22 and she’s told me that she cheated on him regularly with different guys. Her second boyfriend I don’t really know anything about. Her third boyfriend broke her heart, This was about 1.5/2 years ago and seems quite fresh in her memory.

 

She moved abroad whilst they were still together, she says she was loyal to him and never cheated even when he wouldn’t speak to her for months. He then cheated on her with her so called ‘worst enemy’, so they broke up and she later found out that he got this girl pregnant and they had a child together. This really upset my girlfriend.

 

My girlfriend, from what she says, thinks it is common to sleep with friends rather than have one night stands. I’ve never slept with a friend so can not relate to the experience. She slept with a a guy that we both work with when she found out they were sleeping together (I wasn’t told this but found out from another friend, and this caused a bit of drama).

 

Last year, before we met, she had a long term friend come out to visit. They were sleeping together and from what I’ve heard and been told been doing coupley things. She fell pregnant, he flew her home to get an abortion and was very supportive of her.

 

So here’s my problem. She still talks to him on snapchat. He’s regularly her best friend and this bothers me like hell. We’ve had countless arguments over it. She insists that he’s just a friend, that they’ve been friends for over 10 years and what happened, happened because she felt about her situation. We argued once and she deleted him from Snapchat, but a couple of weeks ago I say his name on her phone and it turns out she had re-added him. She says that he messaged a mutual friend saying he needed to talk to her, she obliged, and then he told her that they’ve been friends for ages and shouldn’t have to stop being friends because she is in a relationship.

 

Things hit a head the other day, when I brought it up in an argument, (I know, silly me) and we pretty much broke up over it. We then met the next day and had a chat and she pretty much said that if I want to be with her then I’ve got to accept that it is how it is and she isn’t going to delete him. She insisted that they are just friends, that them sleeping together shouldn’t happens, and because she’s been cheated on and hurt, she would never do that to someone else and it upsets her for me to think she’s capable of that.

 

This week we have been together, and things seem back to normal. But I don’t know if I trust her. I don’t know if it’s my relationship immaturity or lack of experience causing this, me being jealous about her past sexual experiences, or a combination of all these things.

 

Can I get some opinions please?

 

TLDR; girlfriend has sexual past with a long term friend. They still talk on snapchat and it really bothers me and causes issues in our relationship.

 

Additional Info: When we had a massive argument last week we met up to discuss our issues and whether we should break up or not. She said things like 'I'm with you not him', 'if we [her and her friend] wanted to be together then they would of got together years ago and its not like that'. She also said that this guy has a girlfriend and a kid and the situation just isn't like that.

 

She also said that she spoke to her friends who 'know her and her situation' and she said that she wouldn't want to be with someone who would make her delete a friend. During this conversation she seemed really upset at the prospect of breaking up.

 

I just don't know what to do. She is going home for the summer, and in the back of my mind I'm worried that she's going to cheat on me and that I'd never know about it.

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I wouldn't get too involved with someone who stayed in close contact with an X.

 

It's not worth it.

 

Plus she's made it clear its him over you.

 

Why accept that? I bet it'd be a different story if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

There are better out there man.

Edited by Marc878
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swilliams92

I agree that this should be considered. However, earlier this week our relationship was hanging by a thread. If she wanted to be with someone else then it would of been easier breaking up than staying together.

 

She was visibly upset about the thought of us breaking up.

 

She said something along the lines of, she's older than me and if she didn't want something serious then she wouldn't be wasting her time with me, and that kind of resonated but something inside me is unsure.

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ExpatInItaly

She's prioritizing their friendship over her relationship with you.

 

What more do you need to know?

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I am guessing this guy (and possibly other guys) will be a problem that never seems to go away.

 

I second this.

 

She might not want to cheat with this guy, but you'd have to be an idiot not to understand why your boyfriend would be upset over this.

 

She's thirty lol

Unless you give her a taste of her own medicine I doubt she'll get it. Maybe call up a "friend" and ask her on a weekend get away. If she gets upset, tell her she has no right to dictate your friendships.

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Lotsgoingon

She is prioritizing him over you ...

 

But she's doing something else ... or failing to do something else ... in situations like this ... when a partner has a friend like this ... it's actually their job to convince you that nothing is going on ... nothing will go on ...

 

Note ... not their job to simply say the words ... but they need to be able to physiologically turn off your worry ... because they are so clear.

 

Don't know if she has done this ... has she told him that she is dating you? That's a sign of how much she is separating from this guy.

 

On the breakup ... dude, it is not your responsibility to protect her from pain brought on by her own ambivalence and alarming behavior. Your job is to protect your own interests ... So what she gets upset by the prospect of a breakup? ... So logically--if she is so hesitant to lose you--then she should accommodate a break from this guy.

 

To be honest ... I'm not sure enough time has passed for her to let go with this other guy ... Pregnancy and abortion ... that's a lot ... And her previous relationships all sound chaotic ... there is a pattern here dude ...

 

To be spending any energy worrying about another guy is a complete waste of time ...

 

You're in a danger zone dude ... heartbreak ... she's not a good fit for you ...unless you want A LOT of drama. That's what you'll get ... A ton of drama.

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coolheadal
I (25M) have been with my girlfriend (30F) for just over 8 months. We’re both teachers working abroad and just clicked when we met. Our social circle is quite small so we have a lot of the same groups of friends and spend pretty much every evening together.

 

This is my second serious relationship, my first being when I was 17-19. Throughout the relationship she had lots of guy friends but I was secure in myself and didn’t mind. She would try to make me jealous about this but it just didn’t faze me. Anyway, we broke up for different reasons and within a week she got into a relationship with one of these ‘friends’ that she always said I didn’t need to worry about. I was devastated. Not because I wanted her back, although I think I did at the time, but because the whole relationship then felt like a lie to me.

 

I’ve then been single, by choice, gone to university, travelled a bit, qualified as a teacher and had a few ‘seeing each other’ and dating situations along the way as well as a fair bit of fun.

 

My girlfriend on the other hand has had 3 serious relationships prior to me. Her first boyfriend was when she was younger, 17-22 and she’s told me that she cheated on him regularly with different guys. Her second boyfriend I don’t really know anything about. Her third boyfriend broke her heart, This was about 1.5/2 years ago and seems quite fresh in her memory.

 

She moved abroad whilst they were still together, she says she was loyal to him and never cheated even when he wouldn’t speak to her for months. He then cheated on her with her so called ‘worst enemy’, so they broke up and she later found out that he got this girl pregnant and they had a child together. This really upset my girlfriend.

 

My girlfriend, from what she says, thinks it is common to sleep with friends rather than have one night stands. I’ve never slept with a friend so can not relate to the experience. She slept with a a guy that we both work with when she found out they were sleeping together (I wasn’t told this but found out from another friend, and this caused a bit of drama).

 

Last year, before we met, she had a long term friend come out to visit. They were sleeping together and from what I’ve heard and been told been doing coupley things. She fell pregnant, he flew her home to get an abortion and was very supportive of her.

 

So here’s my problem. She still talks to him on snapchat. He’s regularly her best friend and this bothers me like hell. We’ve had countless arguments over it. She insists that he’s just a friend, that they’ve been friends for over 10 years and what happened, happened because she felt about her situation. We argued once and she deleted him from Snapchat, but a couple of weeks ago I say his name on her phone and it turns out she had re-added him. She says that he messaged a mutual friend saying he needed to talk to her, she obliged, and then he told her that they’ve been friends for ages and shouldn’t have to stop being friends because she is in a relationship.

 

Things hit a head the other day, when I brought it up in an argument, (I know, silly me) and we pretty much broke up over it. We then met the next day and had a chat and she pretty much said that if I want to be with her then I’ve got to accept that it is how it is and she isn’t going to delete him. She insisted that they are just friends, that them sleeping together shouldn’t happens, and because she’s been cheated on and hurt, she would never do that to someone else and it upsets her for me to think she’s capable of that.

 

This week we have been together, and things seem back to normal. But I don’t know if I trust her. I don’t know if it’s my relationship immaturity or lack of experience causing this, me being jealous about her past sexual experiences, or a combination of all these things.

 

Can I get some opinions please?

 

TLDR; girlfriend has sexual past with a long term friend. They still talk on snapchat and it really bothers me and causes issues in our relationship.

 

Additional Info: When we had a massive argument last week we met up to discuss our issues and whether we should break up or not. She said things like 'I'm with you not him', 'if we [her and her friend] wanted to be together then they would of got together years ago and its not like that'. She also said that this guy has a girlfriend and a kid and the situation just isn't like that.

 

She also said that she spoke to her friends who 'know her and her situation' and she said that she wouldn't want to be with someone who would make her delete a friend. During this conversation she seemed really upset at the prospect of breaking up.

 

I just don't know what to do. She is going home for the summer, and in the back of my mind I'm worried that she's going to cheat on me and that I'd never know about it.

 

My friend she's not a keeper for you. I think you already figured that much out already but too afraid to admit. Her heart isn't there for you because of this guy. Once they carry on this way you know it's time to end whatever you had thought you had with them. No woman should act like this but they do trust me. Doesn't matter what she tells you, because she knows him longer than you. She knows she really wants to be with him and she'll keep on talking with him and then make-up excuse why she does it. So your best bet to say to her well "guess what I am going to say goodbye so you can spend all the time you want with your so call ex friend (aka ex lover). For you this is the best cost of action. If you don't then your mind and all sorts of things will go through your head. Can't change her mind. Your there but that's not good enough for her. She wants him at all cost. You need to be with a stable and on the page woman who wants you and only you and only has you on her mind 100% not 10% like this one is doing to you right now.

Edited by coolheadal
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Just me personally....dating someone you work with, have close circle of friends with, and has connection to bed partners from the past is a recipe for disaster. I'm not saying she's a bad person, she just has a different point of view...her behavior to her is perfectly acceptable, but YOU are totally uncomfortable about this whole thing. This isn't because of inexperience...there are people like myself, that never slept with any of my male friends. IMO you DON"T sleep with "friends" and if you do, they are not "friends" anymore.

 

 

 

I tell you right now, this relationship is doomed before it got out of the gate. She is who she is, there is no changing that. You shouldn't have to accommodate your feelings just to stay with her. You both are not compatible....and since you don't trust her, you should be asking yourself why are you still with her?

 

 

Tip: go by their actions, not by what they tell you...words are too easy to get away with.

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The other guy will never be out of her life. Whatever your view on abortion may be, it really is a tie that binds...her relationship with him is based not on affection, but on blood. They both disposed of a potential human being simply because it would be inconvenient for her and him.... you really want children with her? Throw this fish back into the sea and let the other man have her. You can do better...

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swilliams92

I see all these messages and do agree with some of them to an extent.

 

However, when we have sat down and discussed the issue, she assures me that they have just been very good friends up until last year; where she wasn't in a good place (hurt by her ex) and felt like she needed someone and he happened to be there.

 

She has said that if she didn't want to be with me, that she wouldn't and that she was happy on her own before I come into her life.

 

She also said that she is a very loyal person and couldn't turn her back on anyone that has been there for her in the past.

 

Part of me trusts her and believes her, but part of me is a bit wary and not like the situation. She says that she can see where I am coming from, but no one will ever understand the situation.

 

She constantly assures me that she loves me and wants to be with me.

 

Do I take the risk? Or will it just end with me getting hurt?

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mortensorchid

You clearly have different points of view here. Do you know what she is sending this guy on SnapChat? It does make a difference if it's sexting or shots of what you're eating for dinner. You sound like the more conservative of the two, or the least experienced to be sure. And if you're, what, 25? Well, you have a long way to go. You don't think you do, but you do. But I digress ...

 

I think the best thing to do in this situation is to say to her "This kind of bothers me but I don't want to say "No you can't"." Ask what you two talk about. Do you believe her when she says whatever it is they talk about? Is he like James Woods in the movie Casino where he was having Sharon Stone give him money for his crackpot schemes? I hope not, if so that's another level.

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You can't make a decision so you'll wallow in this awhile.

 

Unhealthy at best.

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swilliams92
You clearly have different points of view here. Do you know what she is sending this guy on SnapChat? It does make a difference if it's sexting or shots of what you're eating for dinner. You sound like the more conservative of the two, or the least experienced to be sure. And if you're, what, 25? Well, you have a long way to go. You don't think you do, but you do. But I digress ...

 

I think the best thing to do in this situation is to say to her "This kind of bothers me but I don't want to say "No you can't"." Ask what you two talk about. Do you believe her when she says whatever it is they talk about? Is he like James Woods in the movie Casino where he was having Sharon Stone give him money for his crackpot schemes? I hope not, if so that's another level.

 

We have had this discussion. She has said that they have been friends for years. They rarely talk, and when they do it's normally just him commenting on her snapchat story. I suppose it just bothers me because it's Snapchat and the messages disappear.

 

He is also frequently at the top of her best friends list, but I have people on snapchat who I used to snap a lot, snap them a couple of times and they are on my best friend list pretty quickly.

 

I just am torn. One part of me thinks that she's not into it. Another part of me believes her when she says that she's 30 and was happy on her own before she met me and if them two wanted to be together then they would of years ago but its not what either of them wanted.

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when i was married my now ex-wife would send me nudes.

This was when data was expensive.

Well my plan ran over and I checked it.

I saw she had sent pics to people where she used to live before she moved to where I was.

The pixel count of those pics was exactly the same.

 

essentially she was sending the same nudes she send me to an ex where she used to live and some other guy where we lived.

 

sorry bro, but snapchat is designed to hide your tracks. no woman has any reason to be snapping some other dude or her ex directly when she has a BF.

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ExpatInItaly
Do I take the risk? Or will it just end with me getting hurt?

 

Option 2.

 

I've seen stories like this play out so many times, both here and in real life. He's apparently such a good friend that they almost never talk, yet she can't handle the thought of implementing appropriate boundaries? Malarkey. Also, she is so loyal she can't "turn her back" on him, yet where is her loyalty to you? Again, malarkey.

 

You will continue to not trust her or this guy (for good reason, in my opinion) You will continue to feel uneasy when you know she's in regular contact with him. She will continue to defend him. All of this will erode your relationship with her.

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