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He planned a weekend trip with another woman, that I am not invited to


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This requires some explanations, so please bear with me. My fiance (32 years old) is a rock climber, as am I (and I'm also 32). We climb together indoors several times a week, and it's a big part of our relationship. For those unfamiliar with the sport, you need a partner to belay for you, so it's an activity that has to be done in pairs or larger groups. He introduced me to climbing, and I've gotten really into over the past year. Since January, we have been talking about going on an outdoor climbing trip to potential locations within a few hours driving. I have never been on a outdoor climbing trip, am very excited about it, and asked him many times when/where we can go - but he hasn't put together any sort of plan, or even suggested a date. I was hoping that when the summer comes around, we can finally go.

 

A few months ago, he met a woman online, in a Facebook group for climbers in the city. He has started meeting up with her weekly to go climb, on days when I'm not available to go with him. I have never met her, and he has never tried to introduce us, but I've seen her Facebook page. She is much younger (22), cute, single, and just his type - but I have not had ANY issues with their friendship because he has many female friends (many of whom I haven't met), and I have zero problems with it. I'm happy that he has a good social life, and he has never given me a reason to distrust him.

 

I am going out of the state for 8 days in June, to visit my family. He will not be able to come due to work. Two days ago, he told me that on the weekend when I will be gone, he and his female climbing friend are planning to go on a climbing trip outside, and might also invite another friend of hers.

 

I got pretty upset when I heard about this. The way I see it, this is an activity that he knows I wanted to do with him for months, and hasn't put any effort into actually planning. The one weekend I am out of town, he decided to plan this trip with his climbing friend(s). Their planning process did not include me in any way, even though he knows I have been itching to go. He told me that his friend is available on multiple other weekends later in the summer, but she wanted to go sooner and "he's free that weekend" so he doesn't want to delay.

 

He is very confused that I'm upset. He told me that he would be happy to go with me other weekends, even though I have not seen any evidence of him trying to make this happen. Additionally, I have been cheated on in 3 other relationships, and he knows that I have some scars from this. It is very difficult to not have red flags go off in my head when he wants to spend extensive time with another woman, doing an activity that I really wanted to be a part of, on the only weekend when I am not around. I feel that I am being ditched and excluded, and adding insult to injury, it seems that he's put more effort into planning a trip with another woman than with me.

 

Am I being unreasonable and overly jealous? If not, how do I explain my concerns to him?

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I'm not a jealous type, but this would very much bother me. I can understand him spending time with his mates while you were away, but not going on a trip which you've been wanting him to do with you for ages.

 

Do you think he's having an emotional affair with her? How often does he talk about her?

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Happy Lemming

Why does he need to plan the climbing trip?? What is stopping you from doing the planning?? I imagine all the information for "the climb" can be obtained from a web-site or a simple phone call. Once you have collected all of the information, sit him down with a calendar and pick a date.

 

After multiple complaints from my girlfriend about my date/trip planning, I put her in charge of the planning. I told her the budget I could afford for the trip and let her do the research.

 

It sounds like there may be a large group of these "climbers" heading to this location, so he won't be alone with her.

 

As for other boyfriends cheating on you, he is not them and shouldn't have to punished for their actions.

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The fact that they're inviting another friend sounds like you might not have as much to worry about. On top of that, he's being completely open about what he's up to with this woman. If he was into her, he'd probably be trying to hide more.

 

That being said, he's planned a trip with her to a place you really want to go to, so you're naturally going to be upset about missing out. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do at this point, other than plan to go with him at another time.

 

Re-reading your post, I'm inclined to agree with Happy Lemming on this one - if you're that excited to go, why don't you make the plans? If you're not proactive with that, it may be interpreted from the outside as not being all that excited to go.

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Yeah, in my experience this would upset most women.

 

I think he made a mistake here.

 

I have a question...Is it possible they are going climbing at a place that would be beyond your ability at this point, since you have only been rock climbing indoors? Maybe its a good opportunity for him.

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Why does he need to plan the climbing trip?? What is stopping you from doing the planning?? I imagine all the information for "the climb" can be obtained from a web-site or a simple phone call. Once you have collected all of the information, sit him down with a calendar and pick a date.

 

To answer questions about why he needs to plan this trip, and why I can't just do it - I am very inexperienced when it comes to outdoor climbing, and I have no idea where we would be going. He has done this many times before, and has strong preferences about locations, some of which are remote and you need to have been there to even know where to go. Also, he has a number of climbing friends that he would want to invite on a trip (like this female friend), and I have not been introduced to them - so I can't really reach out to them to start making plans on my own. I have tried to make plans with him directly, but he has not been able to be concrete with me about what dates he would want to go, or where, or who we would invite, etc.

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I have a question...Is it possible they are going climbing at a place that would be beyond your ability at this point, since you have only been rock climbing indoors? Maybe its a good opportunity for him.

 

No, he has told me that I'm actually a better climber than this female friend of his, she is even less experienced than me.

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Why does he need to plan the climbing trip?? What is stopping you from doing the planning?? I imagine all the information for "the climb" can be obtained from a web-site or a simple phone call. Once you have collected all of the information, sit him down with a calendar and pick a date.

 

After multiple complaints from my girlfriend about my date/trip planning, I put her in charge of the planning. I told her the budget I could afford for the trip and let her do the research.

 

It sounds like there may be a large group of these "climbers" heading to this location, so he won't be alone with her.

 

As for other boyfriends cheating on you, he is not them and shouldn't have to punished for their actions.

 

At this point, the trip would involve only him and this female friend. They MIGHT invite another female friend of hers, but that is uncertain at this point. I answered in a separate response why I can't really plan this trip myself. Also as a general rule, in our relationship I tend to make the plans much more often than he does, but in this situation, it just doesn't make sense for me to do it.

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I'm not a jealous type, but this would very much bother me. I can understand him spending time with his mates while you were away, but not going on a trip which you've been wanting him to do with you for ages.

 

Do you think he's having an emotional affair with her? How often does he talk about her?

 

I mean, I sure hope he's not... He talks about her once in a while. Mostly in the context of climbing, but he's also told me about how she has been applying to grad schools, how she's trying to decide where to go, etc.

 

I am more uncomfortable because he definitely has a 'type' of woman that he's dated in the past (race/ethnicity, body type, looks, hobbies/interests, etc.), and she checks ALL the boxes. I don't have any doubts that he loves me and has never cheated on me or anyone else, but it's very hard not to be bothered by the situation.

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Happy Lemming
To answer questions about why he needs to plan this trip, and why I can't just do it - I am very inexperienced when it comes to outdoor climbing, and I have no idea where we would be going.

 

There aren't codes like beginner, intermediate or advanced ratings for these climbing locations?? I recently got into Mountain Biking and all of my local trails have ratings. Moreover, aren't there any climbing forums where you can ask other people about which places would be considered for beginners.

 

As far as finding these climbing areas, do they not provide GPS coordinates?? I mean there has to be a way for a first or second timers to find these places to climb?? Are there any National Parks with climbing areas, they will definitely have the information you need.

 

As for inviting friends, I thought you said this activity can be done with two people?? I've seen documentaries about two person team climbers.

 

Also what is stopping you from finding your own climbing friends?? In addition to forums, is there a local "climbing supply store" that has an activity group associated with it?? If you like this sport, go with them and do an outdoor climb with them.

Edited by Happy Lemming
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There aren't codes like beginner, intermediate or advanced ratings for these climbing locations?? I recently got into Mountain Biking and all of my local trails have ratings. Moreover, aren't there any climbing forums where you can ask other people about which places would be considered for beginners.

 

As far as finding these climbing areas, do they not provide GPS coordinates?? I mean there has to be a way for a first or second timers to find these places to climb?? Are there any National Parks with climbing areas, they will definitely have the information you need.

 

As for inviting friends, I thought you said this activity can be done with two people?? I've seen documentaries about two person team climbers.

 

Also what is stopping you from finding your own climbing friends?? In addition to forums, is there a local "climbing supply store" that has an activity group associated with it?? If you like this sport, go with them and do an outdoor climb with them.

 

I think that you're creating an entirely different discussion, which is not related to the problem at hand. COULD I do all of these things? Yes, I could. It would take me a lot more time and effort to plan than it would take him, and I'm much busier than he is on a daily basis (because I work much longer hours), but yes of course I could do all these things. As I said above, I actually tend to plan most trips, activities, etc. in our relationship, and I enjoy doing so. And yes, I could also go find other people to climb with. This is not the point.

 

The point is that I have really wanted to go with him, and with him specifically. I don't care if other people are invited along or not, I would be happy to go with just him. He has told me that he would plan the trip - and I have not seen it happen, despite us talking it over multiple times, me suggesting dates, etc. I feel that he has been showing a severe lack of initiative when it comes to making this trip happen with me, and it really bothers me that he went ahead and easily made the plan with another person instead.

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Happy Lemming

I just "googled" Rock Climbing in my area and found a wealth of information.

 

Clicked on a website and received Directions to various climbs, comments about those climbs and even the climbs in my local National Park. There were also directions to where the trail head is and detailed directions to those climbing areas.

 

There was also suggestions about books/guides I could read about those climbs.

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I just "googled" Rock Climbing in my area and found a wealth of information.

 

Clicked on a website and received Directions to various climbs, comments about those climbs and even the climbs in my local National Park. There were also directions to where the trail head is and detailed directions to those climbing areas.

 

There was also suggestions about books/guides I could read about those climbs.

 

Ok, fantastic. You clearly have no interest in discussing the actual reason I am asking for advice, and continue to try and deflect the conversation into a tangential topic. If you prefer to keep ignoring what I'm trying to say here, then there is no reason to waste your time on this thread. Have a good evening.

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Happy Lemming
I think that you're creating an entirely different discussion, which is not related to the problem at hand. COULD I do all of these things? Yes, I could. It would take me a lot more time and effort to plan than it would take him, and I'm much busier than he is on a daily basis (because I work much longer hours), but yes of course I could do all these things.

 

Do the planning and research and present your plan to him. Have your calendar sitting next to the plan and set a date.

 

If at that point, he doesn't want to go with you, then you know he prefers that other individual over you.

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I have no problems with friends of opposite sex but I would have a huge problem with my bf spending the weekend in an isolate place with a hottie 10 years younger. This is not the type of thing a considerate boyfriend does. Even if he swore he's not attracted toward her it's simply not acceptable behavior for people in relationships, especially not people of 32 years old who should know better about boundaries.

 

 

I think you should reassess this relationship.

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Lotsgoingon

One night, I was leaving a partner's place like 4 a.m. ... I'm at the door, about to reach for the handle and be gone, and she tells me she's going on a early morning bike ride with a male friend of hers.

 

It was the surprise that bothered me. Like if she was just chilling in a good way with this guy why keep it secret from me all night? Why not gently share this with me earlier in the evening?

 

So I get why you were startled and bothered.

 

Your fiance would have done well to share this plan with you before he had totally set things up ... I was thinking about going climbing this weekend with x ... and I know you wanted to go with me there ... But I'm thinking that going this weekend is good because ... and then later you and I can do x ....what do you think?

 

But truthfully, this is high-level social skill ... because paradoxically you want to be really relaxed and confident when you share this intention to hang out with someone else. Come off as nervous, and your partner gets nervous ...

 

Going forward, a really cool move for him would be to text you some nice hugs and kisses ... and affection ... on the day of the trip ... and afterwards.

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One night, I was leaving a partner's place like 4 a.m. ... I'm at the door, about to reach for the handle and be gone, and she tells me she's going on a early morning bike ride with a male friend of hers.

 

It was the surprise that bothered me. Like if she was just chilling in a good way with this guy why keep it secret from me all night? Why not gently share this with me earlier in the evening?

 

So I get why you were startled and bothered.

 

Your fiance would have done well to share this plan with you before he had totally set things up ... I was thinking about going climbing this weekend with x ... and I know you wanted to go with me there ... But I'm thinking that going this weekend is good because ... and then later you and I can do x ....what do you think?

 

But truthfully, this is high-level social skill ... because paradoxically you want to be really relaxed and confident when you share this intention to hang out with someone else. Come off as nervous, and your partner gets nervous ...

 

Going forward, a really cool move for him would be to text you some nice hugs and kisses ... and affection ... on the day of the trip ... and afterwards.

 

Thanks, this is really insightful. If only my fiance thought the way that you do....But sadly, he really doesn't get why I'm upset in this situation. In fact, it seems like he thinks I'm being completely unreasonable, and I don't know how to explain it to him.

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No, he has told me that I'm actually a better climber than this female friend of his, she is even less experienced than me.

 

Well, I think you have good reason to object to his weekend rock climbing excursion with the younger woman. I think your objection is totally reasonable.

 

I can say this...I can't think of any woman i was in a relationship with that would approve of me spending a weekend out in the woods with a young hottie. In fact, I wouldn't dare suggest it! But then again, I am 20 years your senior.

 

Look, why not say this...

 

As you know, I'm not happy about your weekend trip with so-and-so. I'm not telling you what to do, you have your own life to live and you are certainly free to do what you like. But if you go on the trip with her I just want to let you know what I plan to do, that is, I won't be around when you get back.

 

There.. you aren't controlling him. You simply saying what will happen. He has his life to live and you have yours.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
At this point, the trip would involve only him and this female friend. They MIGHT invite another female friend of hers, but that is uncertain at this point. I answered in a separate response why I can't really plan this trip myself. Also as a general rule, in our relationship I tend to make the plans much more often than he does, but in this situation, it just doesn't make sense for me to do it.

 

There's no intention of inviting another female friend in my opinion. This was said to appease you.

 

You have EVERY right to be upset about this. The fact that he doesn't understand why you are upset (read: won't admit that he understands why you are upset) is.....well, very upsetting.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Thanks, this is really insightful. If only my fiance thought the way that you do....But sadly, he really doesn't get why I'm upset in this situation. In fact, it seems like he thinks I'm being completely unreasonable, and I don't know how to explain it to him.

 

He absolutely knows. He's acting like he doesn't know. Don't fall for it.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

P.S. It's OK for you to set boundaries in your relationship :).

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MidwestUSA
Do the planning and research and present your plan to him. Have your calendar sitting next to the plan and set a date.

 

If at that point, he doesn't want to go with you, then you know he prefers that other individual over you.

 

You are still completely missing her point.

 

Her first outdoor climb was to be WITH HIM, and it's something SPECIAL! He should be the one to plan it, as he's more experienced.

 

But instead, he's taking advantage of the fact that she's gone, and giving his time to another female.

 

I doubt she'd have a problem if he was going with a dude.

 

It's not about who plans what, it's about a SPECIAL EVENT between them that now won't have the same meaning. Even if this thing with the other chick is completely platonic, OP won't feel the same SPECIALNESSS making her first outdoor climb with him.

 

If he doesn't understand why she's upset, he needs to be hit over the head with a rock. It's about sentiment, not logistics.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
You are still completely missing her point.

 

Her first outdoor climb was to be WITH HIM, and it's something SPECIAL! He should be the one to plan it, as he's more experienced.

 

But instead, he's taking advantage of the fact that she's gone, and giving his time to another female.

 

I doubt she'd have a problem if he was going with a dude.

 

It's not about who plans what, it's about a SPECIAL EVENT between them that now won't have the same meaning. Even if this thing with the other chick is completely platonic, OP won't feel the same SPECIALNESSS making her first outdoor climb with him.

 

If he doesn't understand why she's upset, he needs to be hit over the head with a rock. It's about sentiment, not logistics.

 

And I'd go a step further, that it's not ONLY about the special experience....it's about the alone time he plans to spend with this woman (and he's only throwing in the "maybe a friend" bone to appease her). This is so inappropriate!

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MidwestUSA
And I'd go a step further, that it's not ONLY about the special experience....it's about the alone time he plans to spend with this woman (and he's only throwing in the "maybe a friend" bone to appease her). This is so inappropriate!

 

Exactly!

 

Hand me a rock, I'll hit him.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Exactly!

 

Hand me a rock, I'll hit him.

 

Me too!

 

There is no friend. He thinks it makes it seem more "normal" if a friend might be going. Of course the friend won't be able to go or will back out at the last minute.....

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