Another date

[ZA Dater]

Because I was feeling so down after the other issue I once again resorted to what I call "commercial dating" where I simply go out with anyone who will go out with me, irrespective if I actually find the person attractive.

 

 

This date irritated me from the very beginning to an almost unprecedented level. On the face of it we had a lot in common in reality all I found was yet another generic date, same story as always, single forever, generic interests, generic opinion, generic conversational ability. Perhaps I simply was not in the mood for this.

 

 

I simply don't get it, is it SO important to fit in that its easier to be a sheep than to be who one is. To rub salt into the wounds I got invited back but really, inviting me back of a 45 min date, not a chance was going for that because if she does it with me she does it with everyone she meets and I guess I simply didn't feel like being awkward.

 

 

She looked a lot better than I can usually manage.

 

 

Its just the same thing every single time, in some respects I totally REGRET meeting the handful of people I found really attractive from an intellectual point of view because after that people like this have zero appeal at all.

 

 

Every single time I find a lack of compatibility, in this case it was fundamental and AGAIN it was "why don't you drink" "please drink", this time I simply said I don't because I like to keep fit but that didn't hold much water apparently.

 

 

Summary: I'd have been better off sitting at home watching a series. I need so somehow get out of this whole dating thing but perhaps I am acting like a child and throwing my toys because I cant get what I actually want or in truth when it comes to dating I get everything I DONT want and nothing I do.

[CrazyKatLady]

You sound mostly upset with yourself at this time, if I am reading this post correctly. Sorry you feel bummed out and withdrawn from others. Finding the Good in all or at least most of God's creatures is a blessing I pray you can re-connect with. It's always nice to connect in some small way to the world and people around us, huh?!

[TheMianoPan]

So you go out with just anyone and you expect something magical to happen?

C'mon man. Clean up your act first.

 

If you aren't going to date with any intention, what sort of result is the universe going to bring you?

 

Like attracts like. You are getting back exactly what you are putting out there.

[ZA Dater]

So you go out with just anyone and you expect something magical to happen?

C'mon man. Clean up your act first.

 

If you aren't going to date with any intention, what sort of result is the universe going to bring you?

 

Like attracts like. You are getting back exactly what you are putting out there.

 

 

 

The intention being to hopefully find someone I connect with.

[Imajerk17]

ZA, not to pour salt on an open wound, but this thread reads like most of your other threads.

 

What is the definition of insanity again?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

To rub salt into the wounds I got invited back but really, inviting me back of a 45 min date, not a chance was going for that because if she does it with me she does it with everyone she meets and I guess I simply didn't feel like being awkward.

 

 

Do you always make such negative assumptions about women?

[littleblackheart]

ZA Dater, does opening up here on LS genuinely help you exorcise your bad feelings about all those unsuccessful dates, or do you think that maybe it helps contribute to keeping you on this merry-go-round of unhappiness, out of which you don't seem to want to jump?

 

Also, what concrete steps have you taken in order to look after your mental and emotional health (besides posting on LS, I mean)?

 

This isn't meant to discourage you to post here in any way - I'm just wondering what other things you are doing on top of that.

Edited May 23, 2018 by littleblackheart

[ZA Dater]

ZA Dater, does opening up here on LS genuinely help you exorcise your bad feelings about all those unsuccessful dates, or do you think that maybe it helps contribute to keeping you on this merry-go-round of unhappiness, out of which you don't seem to want to jump?

 

Also, what concrete steps have you taken in order to look after your mental and emotional health (besides posting on LS, I mean)?

 

This isn't meant to discourage you to post here in any way - I'm just wondering what other things you are doing on top of that.

 

 

 

I am actually reading a few dating centric books at the moment, most are about body language and effective use thereof.

 

 

I am also trying to present as someone more upbeat in general and dare say it trying to conform a bit to what everyone else is, even if that means I am talking rubbish most of the time.

 

 

I'd gladly jump out of this cycle given a viable alternative and believe me I have been down the road of seeking arrangement being a paid date and that wasn't much better. In truth the issue has always been I have never received much "attention" if I could put it that way, by this I mean people taking an interest in me, even asking "how are you today" it simply doesn't happen so when I sit on these dates and once again its all about "them" I tend to just switch off, take some interest in me at least, ask me at least one question.

 

 

Its telling that the 4 or so people I find really attractive all took interest in me.

 

 

For example and I realise this sounds ridiculous but think about it for a minute, being able to take someone for coffee and have an interesting conversation, its a novelty to me because it never really happens. Having a lady remember its your birthday and buy you a small gift, again its never happened to me before. A simple hug, a smile, taking interest, that warm feeling that someone actually does care in some form.

 

 

Instead I go on these dates I and I simply find people who are completely insular, I make an effort to try get to know them and compliment them but I get none of that ever. Its always seemingly about what they can gain rather than a give and take situation.

 

 

I am absolutely not perfect but I cannot fathom I am that bad either to actually warrant this treatment so yes I go on these dates in the hope someone might actually take an interest, inevitably they don't and the cycle goes on and on.

 

 

The flip side is I then over compensate with people I do like and do things like buy gifts etc. just this week I feel the need to buy a friend a gift, simply because I can and because I think she might like it. There is no agenda on my part but a simple thank you for friendship.

 

 

When you live the life I do a simple "hey how are you today" means a lot.

[ZA Dater]

This whole post just sounds downright miserable. The key to dating is for both people to have a good time, nothing more. It's a time when you try to relax, let crap go, and just enjoy yourself. These ladies are likely begging you to have a drink because you are sitting there looking all awkward and miserable. At this point, I feel bad for the girl you went out on a date with, because you report back from the date talking about how she is a sheep who bangs every guy she meets. What did she do to deserve that? Not be interesting enough for you? Well, first dates aren't for spilling your guts or having deep intellectual conversations.

 

You need to relax, man. You are taking this way too seriously and it is making you miserable.

 

 

When you know me more 30 min via text and you are asking me to come over and spend the night? Instead I proposed a meet up later in the week which is what this date was.

 

 

I don't feel I have been unfair in my conclusions drawn.

 

 

Enjoy yourself how exactly? For me enjoyment is being interested in something and actually having a two way conversation not me driving the conversation.

 

 

If society needs to drink to socialise then there is something drastically wrong in my opinion. For what its worth I tried the drinking thing last weekend on another date of sorts and it made no difference whatsoever, on that occasion I had about 6 glasses of wine and 3 litres of water. I was super relaxed on that date but seeing as she wasn't single it probably doesn't count.

 

 

"Good time and relax" tell me what those things are, your interpretation thereof?

 

 

The point I am making is I am throwing in everything but get nothing back conversation wise, I might as well have sat at home and stared at a wall.

 

 

People keep telling me dating is fun, how is it fun? Yes there is one person I see every so often and it is fun and nice to be around her and when we talk about dating it was more how her bf took her to fancy places when they first met than anything else. This is yet another example of me enjoying time with someone I cannot date because they aren't single.

[ZA Dater]

And? What's the big deal? So what if you are right? I have read some of your other threads, and you have pretty much zero sexual experience. Most guys would have been happy to go hook up with this girl instead of making her invitation out to be something negative. I would much rather spend my evening hooking up with a girl I just met versus spending that evening complaining on Loveshack about what should have been a fine date.

 

 

 

It's a matter of perspective, and your perspective is to just not enjoy things. Take a poll from the guys here how many would have hooked up with that girl and had a great time versus ending the night early to complain about your date. Well, you are the reason that date sucked. You could have went back to her place, had some possibly great sex, and had good news to report. You chose not to.

 

 

 

Alcohol is a social lubricant. It helps people relax and eases the tension on a first date. When a girl is having a few drinks, she is going to enjoy herself more if you drink with her. Also, much of society is dating just fine.

 

 

 

It's fun if you let it. If I had been in your place, I would have had a couple drinks with her, laughed about something funny, went back to her place and made sure she remembered my name. That's how people relax and enjoy dates. Instead, you refused to have a drink with her and turned her down for sex.

 

 

 

I simply didn't find her personality very attractive at all. "Most" that's one thing I have avoid and that's being one of "most". I think it is negative that she is inviting me back without knowing me at all, it speaks to a person who has an appetite for high risk. Fact remains yes I have zero experience but I somehow reckon she would have preferred someone with experience based on the fact it all she seemed to want so no even if I had gone through with it there would have been no "good story to tell"

 

 

For what its worth I simply went home and watched a series but that besides the point.

 

 

The date sucked because she gave me nothing intangible to like, she didn't ask me one question about myself it was all about her as it always is with the people I meet up with.

 

 

I don't drink if they cannot live that then its just tough, they can move onto whoever they want.

 

 

All I want is someone interesting who takes a mutual interest in me. Someone who actually has some worldly intelligent things to say. I don't really care if they don't sleep with me but just some sort of companionship of some variety would be enough.

 

 

But perhaps as you say I am the problem seeing as I have no friends either.

[soyou]

That's the point of dating right? You go out there, meet people, and maybe you will find somebody you can spend the rest of your life with.

 

Dont beat yourself up over the bad experience. Dont assume everyone else is as bad as your past dates.

 

Everyone is different. Sometimes you have good dates and sometimes you dont.

 

My number #1 rule is that - if my interest level is low about somebody, I'm not going to waste my time and the other person's time. So be more selective!

 

My number #2 rule - Never put so much hope and pressure on first few dates. Low to no expectation. Just go out there, have fun, and enjoy the other person's company.

 

I've been so many dates but 80% of the time I had a good time. almost everyone wanted to see me again after the 1st date. 20% is the bad dates that everyone will have to go through. You cant avoid it!

[littleblackheart]

I think you need good friends more than you need a partner, to be honest.

 

Not everyone is fine with hooking up with complete strangers (not even all men), not everyone finds dating 'fun' so don't worry about that. It's fine to have your own standards; you don't really need to be so judgemental of those who don't meet them, though. Books can help you with the shallow things (body language, trying to 'conform') but they won't help you be kinder, more open-minded or less judgemental.

 

I too don't find dating fun at all, so I don't date. I don't have your problem though, as I find most people to be interesting in a way; you should maybe try that as a mental exercise, see if you can learn or find something positive from anyone you meet.

Edited May 25, 2018 by littleblackheart

[ZA Dater]

That's the point of dating right? You go out there, meet people, and maybe you will find somebody you can spend the rest of your life with.

 

Dont beat yourself up over the bad experience. Dont assume everyone else is as bad as your past dates.

 

Everyone is different. Sometimes you have good dates and sometimes you dont.

 

My number #1 rule is that - if my interest level is low about somebody, I'm not going to waste my time and the other person's time. So be more selective!

 

My number #2 rule - Never put so much hope and pressure on first few dates. Low to no expectation. Just go out there, have fun, and enjoy the other person's company.

 

I've been so many dates but 80% of the time I had a good time. almost everyone wanted to see me again after the 1st date. 20% is the bad dates that everyone will have to go through. You cant avoid it!

 

 

 

I have never had a second date ever.

 

 

For me I only really know how interested I will be when I meet them. The only expectation I have is that the person might be interesting if they aren't and cant put some sort of conversation together I might as well not even bother. If you think I am being critical here I am and its because people simply cannot speak on a variety of things.

 

 

Sure, maybe 1% of my dates can be classified as good but even then its only party good with the exception of one where everything went well.

 

 

At the end of the day it is probably all my fault but I am trying to present something different. Leaving the baggage behind is impossible and I think they all see that.

[ZA Dater]

I think you need good friends more than you need a partner, to be honest.

 

Not everyone is fine with hooking up with complete strangers (not even all men), not everyone finds dating 'fun' so don't worry about that. It's fine to have your own standards; you don't really need to be so judgemental of those who don't meet them, though. Books can help you with the shallow things (body language, trying to 'conform') but they won't help you be kinder, more open-minded or less judgemental.

 

I too don't find dating fun at all, so I don't date. I don't have your problem though, as I find most people to be interesting in a way; you should maybe try that as a mental exercise, see if you can learn or find something positive from anyone you meet.

 

 

The thing is I am very kind, you will battle to find a more compassionate caring person but dating eats away at this considerably. I go out each day to be the best person I can and I do the same when I go on dates but I never find that connection with people, or it is extremely rare to find it.

 

 

I am not judging this one just merely offering an opinion. Simply put I want that connection, its either there or it isn't. What doesn't help all of this is my absolute frustration and irritation when I look around at guys who have got nice girlfriends, these self same guys couldn't care less most of the time and treat people very poorly, many lack ambition and yet.

 

 

Yet is them with these girls and not me. Which really just goes to show what people really want is different to what they say they want because if it were the same I would at least get some sort of success.

 

 

Every time I find someone I like it turns out they are in some dysfunctional relationship where it is only me and others who can see how poor that relationship is.

 

 

So yes when I go on dates like this I feel completely exasperated because they offer nothing that I am looking for. Yes, I would like to gain experience but not with someone I hardly know and not on the first date. If I am going to do that I might as well pay for it because there isn't much distinction in my mind.

[littleblackheart]

The thing is I am very kind, you will battle to find a more compassionate caring person but dating eats away at this considerably. I go out each day to be the best person I can and I do the same when I go on dates but I never find that connection with people, or it is extremely rare to find it.

 

 

I am not judging this one just merely offering an opinion. Simply put I want that connection, its either there or it isn't. What doesn't help all of this is my absolute frustration and irritation when I look around at guys who have got nice girlfriends, these self same guys couldn't care less most of the time and treat people very poorly, many lack ambition and yet.

 

 

Yet is them with these girls and not me. Which really just goes to show what people really want is different to what they say they want because if it were the same I would at least get some sort of success.

 

 

Every time I find someone I like it turns out they are in some dysfunctional relationship where it is only me and others who can see how poor that relationship is.

 

 

So yes when I go on dates like this I feel completely exasperated because they offer nothing that I am looking for. Yes, I would like to gain experience but not with someone I hardly know and not on the first date. If I am going to do that I might as well pay for it because there isn't much distinction in my mind.

 

Ok so you don't actually have a problem, it seems, other than be frustrated.

 

If you're happy with the high standards you have set and you like who you are as a person, there isn't much you can do apart from keep dating and remain hopeful, no?

[ZA Dater]

The first date is not the time or place to have deep, intellectual, worldly conversations. That generally comes later, but you don't have the patience to stick around that long. The entire purpose of the first date is to gain shallow knowledge about a person, have a good time, and try to see if there is any kind of connection. You are showing up on first dates, refusing to have any fun, denying any chance at connections, and expecting something which will likely never happen. These are all your choices.

 

If you don't drink, then don't take women to places where they are likely to drink. That will just come off as weird. It would be like meeting at a dance club and refusing to dance. Activities are more enjoyable when you share them with someone, and taking a woman out where she will have a few drinks while you sit cold sober isn't gonna be so much fun for her.

 

Basically, you are setting everyone up for failure. You can either change your outlook on dating or get used to a bunch of bad dates. When you seem to encounter the same problem with everyone, everyone is not the problem, you are.

 

Next time, have a drink with her. If she invites you back to her place, go. Do something different, or get used to the same thing happening each time.

 

 

 

Usually I just loose interest instantly when there is nothing inherently interesting about the person at all, sounds harsh but its the reality of it. A good time, what is that, seriously, how do you define it? I took a friend to dinner and she said she had a good time, for me it was a dinner but I liked her company and we get along well.

 

 

Again fun, you are talking to Serious Sam here so forgive me but again what is that, is it flirting, it is joking around, is it innuendo?

 

 

I wont be drinking on dates, that's pretty much cast in stone. If the person sitting across cannot accept my choices I have no interest in them at all, that's the bottom line.

 

 

Different things happen when I manage to find different sorts of people which is pretty rare.

 

 

As for going back to her place on date 1, that wont be happening either. I'd need to know someone really well to even consider that or I'd need to find them very attractive overall, which again doesn't happen often either.

 

 

Point taken, maybe I should just get used to the same old! The bigger problem is an ability to connect with people, I was chatting to someone on Okcupid and I am already bored with her, there is no connection at all, most guys would probably rank her as very pretty which she is but its just not enough for me.

 

 

Two people I have met, it just worked from the start there was that instant attraction and that is what I am looking for, or at least to be instantly impressed.

 

 

Maybe its better to have had two great experiences than none at all.