I Love My GF, But I'm Starting to Have Doubts

[lakerman34]

I've been seeing this girl for the past 7ish months (both of us are 27).

 

I've met her family, friends, and she's definitely the best lady I've ever been with on many accounts. I love her so much and care deeply for her, and I feel that she feels the same way.

 

However, there are some things that are starting to bother me, specifically in the bedroom.

 

She's into D/s and BDSM, has a very healthy, sex positive way of viewing things. She's insatiable, which is apparently something that men desire in a woman.

 

I thought that was all REALLY cool, but it's getting in the way of our relationship, and today, I'm especially upset.

 

We always talk about opening up the relationship, and I'm the one that is keeping it from happening. I know that she's being very patient and wonderful, but I can also sense that she's growing a bit frustrated (I can't get the thought of another guy railing her out of my mind -- I don't like it).

 

We were having sex way too often, and it got to a point that it was getting boring. She was upset about this, and I had to explain to her that it made sense (when supply is high, demand becomes really low). We took 3 weeks break, and then when we spontaneously had sex again, it was AMAZING.

 

Today, we were texting (she's out of town). She told me that she feels that I can't trust her, and I told her that trust is hard for me, and she's in a great place right now relative to everyone else I've ever dated (I truly, honestly, trust her insofar as I believe her when she says she's "staying late at work" that she actually IS staying late to do work).

 

Then, I told her I sensed the same from her. She said she's an "extreme commitment-phobe" and just left it at that. No discussion. No "lets talk about this." Nothing. This seems to be her way of avoiding issues.

 

She brought up this guy that was "amazing" that used to tie her up, and she had a threesome with which was her "greatest sexual experience" (she said that once before, now she won't, probably to save my feelings) from last summer. He was, however, according to her, a "terrible person" with a "horrible personality that she couldn't stand." I said, "well, maybe we should hit him up for coaching" after telling her "funny, if I find a woman repulsive, I don't care how sexy or hot she is, I couldn't be with her."

 

Turns out, she still has his number.

 

I, for one, believe in deleting (wo)men out of your life when they pass, and keeping a phone number is your way of not getting over them. She claims that she just "forgets people exist" and "never deletes anything from her phone (including Tinder -- which she still has)."

 

This made me want to "experiment" even less with her because I see myself, 5 or 10 years down the road, just growing tired of all of this.

 

I don't know. I'm convincing myself that maybe we aren't compatible for each other, but it also seems like the positives completely outweigh the negatives right now.

 

She also tried to "deflect and avoid" the conversation from going on, which annoyed me. Right now, I'm not responding to her because I just need a break.

 

I understand this is, to a degree, my insecurities, but I feel as if in a relationship, both parties need to manage each other's insecurities, to a degree, and in that sense, it is very one-sided (I'm reassuring her, if necessary, but not getting that same assurance in return).

 

I'm just here to unpack all of this.

Please, let me know what you think!

Edited May 22, 2018 by lakerman34

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, this has NOTHING to do with your insecurities ... or let's put it like this ... nothing to do with unreasonable insecurities.

 

So here's the deal ... She's telling you she wants more kink right? ... And she apparently wants to "open up" the relationship.

 

So ... right now you've know two major interests of your gf ... The question is whether you want to compromise here ...

 

In your position, I would NOT want to compromise ... I would say look if she wants an open relationship, she's with the wrong man ... I don't judge people who do that ... but frankly, just being with one person is enough of a challenge for me.

 

Now here's a catch ... she might be doing the "I'm cooler than you" thing ... right ... The "why are you so repressed?" thing ... so that you feel defensive about not being interested in her level of kink or an open relationship.

 

Dude, there are plenty of men with rock-solid self-confidence and self acceptance who would not want to pursue kink as much as she is. Men with total self confidence might not want an open relationship.

 

Your wanting an exclusive relationship is not a sign of insecurity. The sign of insecurity is that you are letting her put you on the defensive about your clear preference to remain exclusive.

 

She might have some compulsive issues around sex ...

 

Sounds like you and she ... are not a good fit ... no one's wrong. You would be wrongly to drop your desire for exclusivity just to try to please her. That would be wrong. Otherwise, there is no wrong.

[ItsJustMyOpinion]

If I had to guess, it sounds like she's getting bored and is thinking of branching out if she hasn't already.

 

You're into BDSM, yet your slave is telling you of a different master who doms her much more than you do. Either take the reigns and punish her for talking back to you or think about letting her go because it seems that neither of you are getting what you want out of it anymore.

[lakerman34]

If I had to guess, it sounds like she's getting bored and is thinking of branching out if she hasn't already.

 

You're into BDSM, yet your slave is telling you of a different master who doms her much more than you do. Either take the reigns and punish her for talking back to you or think about letting her go because it seems that neither of you are getting what you want out of it anymore.

 

Nah, she isn't cheating, and this dom was from a year ago.

 

Honestly, I'm just starting to feel as if I'm just a penis attached to a decent human being to her (at times -- not always). Sex is such an important cornerstone to our relationship, and it's beginning to feel too important to me. I've told her we should try tantric yoga, but nothing has been done to advance that idea.

 

Also, I'm judging her a bit here, but it seems like she's WAY more open to having sex with whoever. The number of stories of her having sex with people she couldn't stand, but kept seeing anyways, or the number of people that she "wasn't THAT attracted to," but had sex with anyways, is very unsettling to me. I tell myself it's all in the past, and I'm the present.

 

I've had SOME level of attraction fo and the lady had SOME level of likability for every single one of my sexual adventures. If I had sex just willy-nilly, sure, my body count would be in the 40s, but I'd be ashamed for some ladies I decided to have sex with.

 

I get acting that way in your teens and early 20s, but the whole "it's just sex" thing I buy less and less as I get older.

Edited May 22, 2018 by lakerman34

[ItsJustMyOpinion]

The number of stories of her having sex with people she couldn't stand, but kept seeing anyways, or the number of people that she "wasn't THAT attracted to," but had sex with anyways, is very unsettling to me. I tell myself it's all in the past, and I'm the present.

 

Well, people don't generally do big changes over night. While I respect your admiration of her and commend you seeking advice, I personally don't see your relationship with her going the way you want it to.

[lakerman34]

Well, people don't generally do big changes over night. While I respect your admiration of her and commend you seeking advice, I personally don't see your relationship with her going the way you want it to.

 

You might be right.

 

I don't think things are too dire to end it RIGHT now, but I do have a feeling we are heading in that direction -- be it a month, 6 months, a year, two years, it just feels like there is an expiration date on it. I tend to be of the philosophy that, "this is what happens in ALL relationships, but we can admit that we love each other, and just live the rest of our lives together in contentment."

 

Her philosophy is more, "once I'm bored sexually, the relationship is over, and I need a change."

 

It's exhausting.

[Lotsgoingon]

The problem with being passive is that, given her strong desires, she will either dump you ... or cheat on you ... If you're comfortable with that risk, hang in there.

[FilterCoffee]

Hi lakerman34,

 

What you have is a big problem. She has a high sex drive whereas you have a medium one. She will always want it more than you and this is going cause resentment one way or the other. I’m guessing you never wanted to open up the relationship in the first place but you felt guilty for not giving her what she wanted so you agreed. Trust me, this is always going to be an issue and I suggest you find someone with a similar libido.

[bathtub-row]

I agree with everyone else -- you have big problems, and just sticking around until it falls apart is a really bad way to handle this. She will cheat on you or dump you and you're going to feel much more horrible than if the two of you had just ended it mutually.

 

Extreme frustration with sex -- either too much or too little -- is very difficult to get past and it only worsens over time. If nothing else, I hope you don't marry this girl. That's one less divorce you'll have to go through.

[bachdude]

Listen young man...You two are completely incompatible AND she has infidelity written all over her, sorry to say.

 

She would no doubt get bored...her sexual appetite is insatiable...she may be a sex addict...eventually she would crack...you get the idea.

 

Save yourself some heartache and find someone who won’t get frustrated you don’t like threesomes.

 

Excuse my bluntness but you two are a terrible match.

[lakerman34]

So, I spoke to one of my closest friends (29, Haitian, former model, sex positive gay man, yadda yadda, doesn't really matter, he's just cool), and decided that I was going to talk to her.

 

During my phone convo with him, she texted me. Apparently, she had a bad day, and told me she wanted to speak to me b/c she was just not feeling right. After much self-deliberation, I went over telling myself I was ABSOLUTELY going to tell her about my feelings because we've been pretty good with communication up to this point (with some hiccups).

 

Anyways, walked in to her with a drink in her hand. She was clearly crying. She hugged me, and we were silent for a bit. I told a joke, she laughed. She told me what was up. I gave her my 2 cents. She hugged me, thanked me for being so awesome.

 

After about an hour, I told her, "yeah, I was frustrated today." Then, I spoke to her about not really feeling her talking about her last year's dom.

 

Her response: I saw him all of 4 times. The sex was great, but he was a horrible person, and honestly, a terrible kisser and didn't care about me as a person.

 

Then I told her: "Look, I'm willing to maybe one day open the relationship up to women, and I'm willing to try almost anything sexually with you, but I just don't want you to expect it, or to expect it to happen every week. As for men, I am going to say maybe, but I don't want you to expect it, because it may not ever happen. I don't like the idea of a man in our relationship. They (we) suck."

 

Her response: "Honestly, I assumed we weren't opening to men, and I'm perfectly OK with that. You know I prefer women anyways, and I've got enough man with you. As for other things, I'm just so happy that you're down to try them, and I understand that sometimes, you're just not feeling it, and I get that. Just promise me we won't ever be one of those couples, ten years down the line, that has sex only twice a year. If it gets that bad, please don't be too proud to go to a doctor and, maybe, ask for Viagra."

 

Me: "Wow. OK. You're cool with all of this?"

Her: *kisses me* "Absolutely. I liiiiiikeeee you!"

 

Good things are good. I may have overreacted, but I'm happy we spoke about it.

[bathtub-row]

Dear God. So bad on so many levels. I suppose you’ll figure it out some day.

[nospam99]

Dear God. So bad on so many levels. I suppose you’ll figure it out some day.

 

After the OP's latest post, I definitely don't grok your opinion. I may be naive. Is it that you think the gf (or the OP) is lying?

[Lotsgoingon]

The words are much better ...

 

But still you went out of your way to compromise ... which I don't think you need to do on something so fundamental as monogamy.

 

Two, she had a bad day and her energy was low and down.

 

Words ... The real test ... deeds ... keep and eye on her actions.

 

I simply do not believe that she flipped a switch and all the issues she talked about earlier ... have just disappeared into her love for you.

 

Any chance she's bipolar? ... A serious disconnect here.

 

Good luck.

[bachdude]

She’s a master at this and the OP is naive.

[smackie9]

This is why we date....to see if we are compatible in every aspect of our expectations. This isn't happening now...things are turning in different directions. You are feeling uncomfortable, and she's getting frustrated. There is no compromising in this situation.

 

 

 

It's a shame things couldn't be different, but I think it's time to call it quits.

Edited May 23, 2018 by smackie9

[lakerman34]

The words are much better ...

 

But still you went out of your way to compromise ... which I don't think you need to do on something so fundamental as monogamy.

 

Two, she had a bad day and her energy was low and down.

 

Words ... The real test ... deeds ... keep and eye on her actions.

 

I simply do not believe that she flipped a switch and all the issues she talked about earlier ... have just disappeared into her love for you.

 

Any chance she's bipolar? ... A serious disconnect here.

 

Good luck.

 

She's very mentally sane. So much so, that she has to carry the load of the issues for a lot of her family and friends (why she called me over -- was feeling overwhelmed).

 

Also, in no way am I 'compromising.' I always felt fine with her being with women, provided we set guidelines around it. She's bisexual, and hetero-romantic. I don't have the tools a woman has. I'm perfectly OK, and always have been, with this.

 

One of our biggest rules (that she actually offered) was that I get to meet any woman she wants to be with, and all women know that she's in a relationship with me.

 

Again, the communication is very fine with an occasional hiccup.

[firestar]

Nah, she isn't cheating, and this dom was from a year ago.

 

Honestly, I'm just starting to feel as if I'm just a penis attached to a decent human being to her (at times -- not always). Sex is such an important cornerstone to our relationship, and it's beginning to feel too important to me. I've told her we should try tantric yoga, but nothing has been done to advance that idea.

 

Also, I'm judging her a bit here, but it seems like she's WAY more open to having sex with whoever. The number of stories of her having sex with people she couldn't stand, but kept seeing anyways, or the number of people that she "wasn't THAT attracted to," but had sex with anyways, is very unsettling to me. I tell myself it's all in the past, and I'm the present.

 

I've had SOME level of attraction fo and the lady had SOME level of likability for every single one of my sexual adventures. If I had sex just willy-nilly, sure, my body count would be in the 40s, but I'd be ashamed for some ladies I decided to have sex with.

 

I get acting that way in your teens and early 20s, but the whole "it's just sex" thing I buy less and less as I get older.

 

It sounds like you feel she is being too promiscuous but this seems a little unfair. I have dated a lot of men who I would call promiscuous too, but society seems to think they're fine and reserve this label only for women. Gender equality means both men and women are allowed to have strong libidos if that's their natural drive and engage in as much sex and with as many consensual partners as they want.

 

Of course, this doesn't mean that it's ok for her to make you feel like a sex object in the relationship. This is a whole different issue that should be discussed. No partner should feel objectfied by the other.

 

In spite of being attracted to men, your gf sounds a little like one of my lesbian friends. My friend told me that as a teen when she saw a rated PG bondage scene at the movies she knew immediately that this was her sexual orientation--nothing in the world aroused or moved her as much as bondage. I never knew that BDSM could be a sexual orientation but for some people it becomes a way of life because it seems to have such a deep psychological effect on them. The rest of us will probably never understand.

 

It seems like sex and kink has become a serious issue for the both of you. It's important to honestly communicate to her what you're saying here and keep talking until the two of you figure things out. I think this is the hardest part about relationships--communicating about topics that are hard to talk about and differences that difficult to resolve. If you can talk through this and negotiate a solution that can satisfy both of you, your relationship will probably become 100x stronger.

Edited May 23, 2018 by firestar

[Lotsgoingon]

Your original post said there was a major gap in sexual appetites and desires ...

 

You said you felt you and she were just compulsively having sex and it got out of control ... and you described a sense of holding her back from exploring these other sides of herself.

 

Now, you're saying she's totally emotionally healthy, a great communicator. All is fine ... And this turnabout is based on one conversation, it seems.

 

I'm lost ... But that's fine ... because you seem content, and that's what matters.