should I tell this guy how I feel? or just avoid him altogether?

[unluckygoodlooks24]

Ok so I want to take it back to October. The first Thursday of last October at about 6 o'clock when the new jersey project shut down in cell I stood up and the guy I'm going to talk about was basically brand new and I'd taken the first look at him and the hair on my neck started stand up and I feel like I was melting just looking at him... I knew from that point to try my best to avoid him. And I did.

 

I did well at avoiding him until February 8th. Before that point I noticed things but I paid less attention to it I'd try to look in his direction and not at him and it was ok. He'd tried to sit next to me twice by this point. But his friend called him away once and the other time I used the other guy to help distract myself. Which was easy because the other guy never stops talking.

 

It's actually amazing the guy I'm talking about and the other guy do talk which must be a storm because they both don't stop talking it seems. Like something's not right there but anyway. Well after that point we'd chit chat a little here and there. More than that he'd stare at me wink at me several times. Etc... But I never know if that's because I look at him weirdly.

 

Two different people have pointed out that I stare weirdly at him when he doesn't know I'm looking at him. It's just that look for me. But I never know if he's just mimicking me or what?

 

Then other things he's said like when we hadn't even talked a lot he asked where I lived if I lived alone. And then one time he seemed excited just to sit next to me. For me it was very distracting because I get physically aroused how am I supposed to work like that? During the one time he sat next to me. he was really really talkative but that's how he is to everyone even if no one is next to him.

 

Some of the way he acted was different though like the stuff we talked about generally was just getting to know each other etc... Some stuff was borderline. He'd get in my face some of the time while I was on a call and only when I was on a call. He said some stuff that implied he thought I was attractive but that was like one sentence and I wasn't even sure if he was saying he was actually gay. Or not.

 

Because he is a more feminine guy like he has long hair he's always doing different styles with I'd be slightly less masculine than him if I were a guy but I'm a tomboy I'd fit alright as a guy. And his voice is very high pitch he has an identical voice to our manager who I always thought was gay.... And added to that I was talking about the LGBT center and he did seem interested. Because I said they were giving out free stuff but to gay and bi guys my age and he's only a few years older than me.

 

But he asked one question that stuck out was like he was trying to figure out what NBA players I liked. And there was inappropriate question asked after that. But not deeply. I didn't answer because I had a call. But there have been times he calls me things like girl. That's usually what my gay friends call me. He's done that a few times. I felt like that whole thing was testing waters though at times.

 

 

Anyway after that point any time I've seen him he's been extra friendly where we have to acknowledge and talk anytime we've seen each other. The way we interacted people mention that it seems like we're talking on that level. But I feel like probably not if he's actually gay. I don't want to ask because I get aroused by him existing basically.

 

The last thing I need to talk about his sexuality. But I feel I need to avoid him it's not mutual because my feelings are too locked in to be friendly to him. I talk to another guy in a friendly manner that I like but I can handle him he's not like as sexually arousing as the other guy. I feel like it can't go well down this road if he's not into me. But I feel I've built a rapor where we regularly talk that's going to be expected. So what should I do?

Edited May 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

Your post is a bit hard to follow, but a couple questions:

 

What was this inappropriate question he asked you?

 

You are essentially trying to figure out if he's gay, correct? It appears you are quite uncertain about his orientation.

 

Why not ask him if he wants to grab a coffee with you on your lunch break or after work? See how he responds.

[unluckygoodlooks24]

Your post is a bit hard to follow, but a couple questions:

 

What was this inappropriate question he asked you?

 

You are essentially trying to figure out if he's gay, correct? It appears you are quite uncertain about his orientation.

 

Why not ask him if he wants to grab a coffee with you on your lunch break or after work? See how he responds.

 

Well he said stuff that was like inuendo.... Like I complimented and said he finished his call really fast faster than I did and his follow was kind of like I think a joke but i think he was something along the lines that he was fast in other respects. What that had to do with what I said idk.... Then another with the question he just asked what would I do to some NBA players because I ended up saying what NBA players I found most attractive. Didn't answer that question.... I've talked to my friend Who that way though before and they like men. We talk about guys. This time though this guy didn't have much to add on in the opinion on that level. I brought up even actors. He wouldn't add an opinion.

 

Then I said I used to get in the gay center getting the free stuff and pointed that I wasn't gay but still was able to go. And he said something along the lines that they would love you to be gay... Which was kind of just odd to me. He also said he went out with a male friend but the way he said he was pointing out that he wasn't out on a like date.

[unluckygoodlooks24]

Your post is a bit hard to follow, but a couple questions:

 

What was this inappropriate question he asked you?

 

You are essentially trying to figure out if he's gay, correct? It appears you are quite uncertain about his orientation.

 

Why not ask him if he wants to grab a coffee with you on your lunch break or after work? See how he responds.

 

I like coffee I don't think. He likes coffee he always talks about some alcoholic beverage... Plus after work we're both pretty tired I work later than he does...

[d0nnivain]

What is it you want? Do you want to date him? Do you want to find out whether or not he's gay, straight or bi? Once you get an answer to that, then what will you do with the information?

 

Work place romances are very tricky. What happens when you break up & still have to work together?

 

At some point you are going to have spend time with him outside of work & talk to each other. Everybody is tired after a long day of work. That is no excuse for not trying to set something up.

 

So far though from what I think you described (your style is very rambling & unclear) I don't see where he treats you differently from anybody else. He talks to everybody & is sort of an open friendly guy. You are clearly smitten with him but I don't see much reciprocity on his part.

[unluckygoodlooks24]

What is it you want? Do you want to date him? Do you want to find out whether or not he's gay, straight or bi? Once you get an answer to that, then what will you do with the information?

 

Work place romances are very tricky. What happens when you break up & still have to work together?

 

At some point you are going to have spend time with him outside of work & talk to each other. Everybody is tired after a long day of work. That is no excuse for not trying to set something up.

 

So far though from what I think you described (your style is very rambling & unclear) I don't see where he treats you differently from anybody else. He talks to everybody & is sort of an open friendly guy. You are clearly smitten with him but I don't see much reciprocity on his part.

 

 

 

Well that's why I want to ignore him... Hence the title?

 

 

 

eh wanted to maybe get his number at some point. But part of me feels like I need to go back to how I was last winter. During the holidays. I don't show that I'm smitten though. I always hide it. I kind of act paralyzed when he's around and then sometimes I kind of thaw out it depends on what time of month it is for me if I can handle it or not especially if I can not really see him when I'm talking to him. It's helpful what I mean like if he's sitting down and the desk is kind of blocking my view. It's more helpful. I don't reciprocate clearly at all. I have given compliments on his looks but that's it on his hair... What's weird is before we would talk he'd outright stare at me until I looked and say hi that was not quite how he treats everyone... But I never knew it was just because I stare at him and he noticed that.

 

I don't know after all that I don't really want a bf right now anyhow but I wouldn't other things but I don't know if he finds me intriguing in the same way I find him.

 

 

Idk should I just ignore him but I feel like that's just rude. I don't want to come off as rude. I don't really want to explain why either. That's why I don't know if I should at least give an explanation or not?

[smackie9]

You just chit chat at work, nothing wrong there. If you want your space, just tell him, you have every right to request that. If he gives you a hard time, talk to HR and get moved, or go on a different shift.

 

 

 

If that isn't what you want to do, change the subject, or focus on another coworker during conversations. He will get the hint.

[unluckygoodlooks24]

You just chit chat at work, nothing wrong there. If you want your space, just tell him, you have every right to request that. If he gives you a hard time, talk to HR and get moved, or go on a different shift.

 

 

 

If that isn't what you want to do, change the subject, or focus on another coworker during conversations. He will get the hint.

 

Hey would it be wrong to use him as target practice?

 

Like I mean to be less shy to guys like him... Or not? It's a way to treat people like that as normal human beings. Instead of shutting down completely. Every time I see a guy I favor in that way.

 

I tried actually to do that when he sat next to me. But the lady next to me was really mad at me when he came to sit next to me. Before she was ok then she was completely hostile. So there was no options.

[d0nnivain]

Casually flirting with a work colleague (which is what I think you mean by using him as target practice) is problematic because you work together. You want to test drive your flirtation skills use OLD or go to a bar. Do NOT play with somebody's feelings in the work place.

[unluckygoodlooks24]

Casually flirting with a work colleague (which is what I think you mean by using him as target practice) is problematic because you work together. You want to test drive your flirtation skills use OLD or go to a bar. Do NOT play with somebody's feelings in the work place.

 

Well if he had any feelings that way then I'd like to go further... But of he doesn't it's no big deal more than flirting I meant just being friendly I'm general maybe it's something that I can use as a stepping stone. To get over the icy issue I have.

 

 

Now I don't drink I'm 24 and never plan on drinking so a bar wouldn't be the best place for me.

[d0nnivain]

Whatever. I wasn't suggesting that you need to drink. Bars are cliché places for pick ups so I just said bar. . . insert any place 2 people could potentially meet.

 

 

Just clarify what you want from this guy. You have been all over the place in this thread. You want to hide. You want to flirt. You don't want to flirt. You would be OK going forward but you are not sure. Before involving others it's best to know your own desires.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just clarify what you want from this guy. You have been all over the place in this thread. You want to hide. You want to flirt. You don't want to flirt. You would be OK going forward but you are not sure.

 

I agree. I really don't know what advice you're asking, OP.

 

If you want to be friends with him, sure. No harm in that. If you are going to attempt to flirt with him, think twice. It's a risky proposition when you work together and could quickly become very awkward.

[unluckygoodlooks24]

Whatever. I wasn't suggesting that you need to drink. Bars are cliché places for pick ups so I just said bar. . . insert any place 2 people could potentially meet.

 

 

Just clarify what you want from this guy. You have been all over the place in this thread. You want to hide. You want to flirt. You don't want to flirt. You would be OK going forward but you are not sure. Before involving others it's best to know your own desires.

 

Well I know what I want is pure out sex... I just don't know if that's exactly mutual..... I'll go as far as he lets me that's why the situation but I don't know if he has any interest.

[unluckygoodlooks24]

I agree. I really don't know what advice you're asking, OP.

 

If you want to be friends with him, sure. No harm in that. If you are going to attempt to flirt with him, think twice. It's a risky proposition when you work together and could quickly become very awkward.

 

Not really I don't really interact with him if he leaves me alone but like today for example he came over to talk to me out of his own way just to speak with me. For no real reason. A part of me feels if I made it known then he'd either altogether leave me completely alone he wouldn't come around he wouldn't even say anything to me and it could be like it used to be. Or maybe he would actually be interested in what I'm interested then I get what I want. Either way it's better than right now. I hate putting that in the forefront my attraction to this man. When all I want is to be normal again and work like a normal person. Out of seven months working together we've only sat next to each other once. And that time he purposefully did that he could have clearly found somewhere else to sit. So I can easily avoid him like I originally did.

Edited May 23, 2018 by unluckygoodlooks24

[unluckygoodlooks24]

The advice I want is either on how to ignore him or how to tell him why I need to ignore bummhim etc......

[ExpatInItaly]

The advice I want is either on how to ignore him or how to tell him why I need to ignore bummhim etc......

 

What advice do you need on how to ignore someone? You just don't engage in chats and don't seek him out to talk, don't stare at him. Be professional when it's required for work reasons but keep all conversations work-related. I am not sure what further guidance to give you on that.

 

I think you're over-complicating this. Trying to sleep with a colleague when you want nothing else from him isn't a good idea, and since it seems that's what you're after, I would advise you to can the whole idea.

[darenmartin]

I think you have to tell him what actually you feel for him instead of avoiding because it will be good for both of you. Once you tell him the truth, he will definitely understand the things that you want to share with him. So, I must say that go ahead and tell him the reality.

[act00]

I'm unclear what it is that you want. Do you want to go out with him? You ignore him and you are visibly annoyed with him and give short, clipped answers when he tries to engage you, especially when you're visibly upset or annoyed with him, so I don't know what you're trying to do here. You state you don't act like you're interested or jealous, but you act upset, jealous, annoyed, pout, and people have told you that you look at him "weird," so yes, you are very much showing your feelings. If you want him to pay attention to you and go out with you, you need to talk to him, though be professional in the work place and don't flirt in the workplace, but you can be more proactive in engaging in appropriate conversation. See if he'd be interested in meeting after work for a drink or coffee or something.

 

It's dangerous to get involved with people at work, and look at how things are going now. He flirts. He gives extra attention to other female coworkers. How well is this going to go over if you are dating and worse, if you break up? The fact that you are derailed when he gives another woman more attention and flirts with her and you've never gone out or dated does not project a good working relationship if you do go out and if you break up.

 

Don't pee where you eat and don't dip your pen in company ink. The level of hurt you feel and tension you feel because he's taking an interest in this other woman...I think it's best to just keep your relationship professional. Don't take his actions as an act of devotion to you...he flirts with all the women, it would appear. If he wants to pursue something with you, he'll ask you out, but he won't ask you out if you're pouting and being short with him and acting annoyed with him and behave like you don't want him around.

 

If you don't want this to progress, then keep your interactions strictly professional...no more cuddling, touching, hugging, and talk about work only and don't discuss details of your personal life, keeping details of your personal life superficial. Don't pout when he flirts with your coworker; it really doesn't matter if he flirts with other women since you don't want him anyway.

[unluckygoodlooks24]

What advice do you need on how to ignore someone? You just don't engage in chats and don't seek him out to talk, don't stare at him. Be professional when it's required for work reasons but keep all conversations work-related. I am not sure what further guidance to give you on that.

 

I think you're over-complicating this. Trying to sleep with a colleague when you want nothing else from him isn't a good idea, and since it seems that's what you're after, I would advise you to can the whole idea.

 

I get confused sometimes I think that's really all he'd want from me there's reason to think that. But hey who knows... Maybe he's just extremely nice for whatever reason I don't know. He's also a Pisces and I'm a Scorpio so I get along well with him more well than I have with my neighbor and my neighbor and I get on very well but it's on a different level like we work in politics and we share that in common so we have a lot to share in common. But I talk to him more than I talk to her. Which I haven't done that since my Facebook friend worked with me who is like a close friend for me. Which is rare I don't really have close friends. I wouldn't mind being friends basically.... As far as things have gone so far. Idk what did I do to really get him to even start talking to me? That's a large question for me. I mean I never sat next to him never lived near him or bumped into him outside of work never worked with him in the past. Honestly I wouldn't have even talked to him ever if it weren't him to begin with. I don't know I find that in itself odd. I guess that's why I'm confused

[unluckygoodlooks24]

I'm unclear what it is that you want. Do you want to go out with him? You ignore him and you are visibly annoyed with him and give short, clipped answers when he tries to engage you, especially when you're visibly upset or annoyed with him, so I don't know what you're trying to do here. You state you don't act like you're interested or jealous, but you act upset, jealous, annoyed, pout, and people have told you that you look at him "weird," so yes, you are very much showing your feelings. If you want him to pay attention to you and go out with you, you need to talk to him, though be professional in the work place and don't flirt in the workplace, but you can be more proactive in engaging in appropriate conversation. See if he'd be interested in meeting after work for a drink or coffee or something.

 

It's dangerous to get involved with people at work, and look at how things are going now. He flirts. He gives extra attention to other female coworkers. How well is this going to go over if you are dating and worse, if you break up? The fact that you are derailed when he gives another woman more attention and flirts with her and you've never gone out or dated does not project a good working relationship if you do go out and if you break up.

 

Don't pee where you eat and don't dip your pen in company ink. The level of hurt you feel and tension you feel because he's taking an interest in this other woman...I think it's best to just keep your relationship professional. Don't take his actions as an act of devotion to you...he flirts with all the women, it would appear. If he wants to pursue something with you, he'll ask you out, but he won't ask you out if you're pouting and being short with him and acting annoyed with him and behave like you don't want him around.

 

If you don't want this to progress, then keep your interactions strictly professional...no more cuddling, touching, hugging, and talk about work only and don't discuss details of your personal life, keeping details of your personal life superficial. Don't pout when he flirts with your coworker; it really doesn't matter if he flirts with other women since you don't want him anyway.

 

What I really want without consequence would be to be I guess fwb.... That's the devil in me.... I like him as a friend. I am a sweet innocent type but there that side of me that is pretty loud. I don't know what to do with it sometimes. That side of me wants him. The other side doesn't but can be amused by him in a sense. I can carry a good conversation with him a while which is a talent because generally my conversations are short with people I'm general. He never stops talking so like the other guy I mentioned I can carry long interactions with them both. Of course the other guy I have no sexual inclination to him like I have with this guy for 7 months....

 

I think I need to share a timeline. From October 5th at 6 o'clock to February 8th 6 or 7 o'clock I tried my best to ignore him avoid him. The moment I thought he actually paid any attention to me actually existing I never was rude or anything I talked whenever he talked to me and I actually was the first to speak to him not the other way around. I said hi and he didn't actually say anything back but I don't even know if it was very audible. But anyway no I don't avoid him now and I haven't for months.

 

As far as how I look at him no one even notices what or who I'm looking at. For example my manager assistant basically I was trying to my production level but on the low key I couldn't stop looking because he was in my view. And the manager assistant who I believe is gay but I've gotten mixed response on that came and asked which project I was looking for before that he looked like I was giving a weird look. Not at him or the intended target just in generally. Then another time I was sitting next to a southern girl and I was looking behind but she didn't know who or what I was looking at. She said you look mad or upset. I was like noooo laughed a quite bit and was like that's not my angry look. Both times no one knew what or who or if I was looking at anyone in particular.

 

I'm never jealous or angry lol. You should know something reverting back to my gay manager i had a crush originally on his boyfriend who worked here and I never was jealous of that manager is actually one of my favorite I became more partial to him because the way my mind works is a bit in fantasy so I just go a little dirty in my mind. When this guy that is the subject of this thread talks to women here. I actually just have those vulgar thoughts just like I did with the managers bf. I am not a jealous lady in any sense I'm not possessive. He's just my coworker that I find really attractive. And I wonder if he finds me at all the same attractive. I am aesthetic pleasing. And I do get a lot of guys that hit on me at work. I am not dating him. I don't feel that type of connection to him to get jealous or anything. Generally I'm not that type of person.

 

 

It's a bad idea isn't it? I know it is. But it's hard to not want it been teasing myself for three months that's pretty aggravating. I have no issue with whatever he wants to do with other women I really don't even pay much attention to his interactions with women or men. Only time I did was with his friend who was his friend and they would always talk about me when I'd walk past. Then he'd stare at me until I looked at him and make me basically say hi....I'm derailed when he gives me attention not other women. I don't generally care. I'm annoyed a bit when he gives me attention because it's like an annoying tease for me I can't get the thoughts out of my head when I see him. That's what can be annoying having a full conversation with someone and only being able to think of how it would be to go down on them right then and there. Is clearly distracting to the conversation my job everything normal in life. The idea eventually becomes less outlandish over time I guess.

 

 

I actually have wished he would spend much more time with any woman or man for that matter so I wouldn't have to see him so often. I'm an innnocent little girl really. To be thinking this isn't good for me it isn't really healthy. But what can I do? I tried ignoring him and he now is the person I talk to most frequently. I am not short with him I stutter a bit I am more nervous than annoyed. I actually will sit next to him during lunch which I never do with other people I try to sit where no one sits.... It's well known here that I am not a friendly person. In fact I have a manager who at the beginning of work announced it. And said I don't have any friends and keep to myself and never talk to anyone who changed isn't true people just don't generally talk to me and I don't really get personal with people. I don't have a boyfriend never have actually I have very little need for one generally when I am stressed is the only time I want one. When things are good. I'm good.... Women at work are always talking about their children their man etc... I don't know that life I know single solitude lifestyle all my life and my annoying mother that's about it. So I never get into people's lives. I live a lot more like bachelor does than a bachelorette does anyhow. So I'm very friendly to this guy never shut him down. And I know how to shut men down that I don't like. Many of them at work are the grumbling kind because I'm completely unapproachable which I prefer to be that way for them.

 

I've only hugged one guy at work not him if I hugged him it would probably be a sexual one. I can't be that close to him. He's never done that and I would never do that to him unless it was totally on. I don't touch him once when he was sitting next to me he did touch me just like in conversation. Again I would never touch him. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want to get fired. I don't want to creep anyone out.

Edited May 23, 2018 by unluckygoodlooks24

[unluckygoodlooks24]

I think you have to tell him what actually you feel for him instead of avoiding because it will be good for both of you. Once you tell him the truth, he will definitely understand the things that you want to share with him. So, I must say that go ahead and tell him the reality.

What if I tell him why I need to avoid him? Or just tell him and let him make the decision? Not obviously as vulgar as I've shared on here but I mean obviously in a light overall way? I hate being two faced. I hate hiding.

 

 

What advice do you need on how to ignore someone? You just don't engage in chats and don't seek him out to talk, don't stare at him. Be professional when it's required for work reasons but keep all conversations work-related. I am not sure what further guidance to give you on that.

 

I think you're over-complicating this. Trying to sleep with a colleague when you want nothing else from him isn't a good idea, and since it seems that's what you're after, I would advise you to can the whole idea.

 

Yeah I forgot to address your first paragraph my bad I'd just waken up. Yeah but like yesterday for example I saw him on the lunch room and the way it is he talks because we've talked if I ignored it would be kind of rude kind of like my neighbor if I just acted like she wasn't there ever that would be rude. When I was at work he actually came over to mildly conversate. If I ignored that just sets up for a bad work environment. I got people who don't like me just for existing others because I won't talk to them others because they seem a tad jealous or just don't understand me etc... I don't need yet another problem with someone else when all I had to do was not say anything three months ago and continue to ignore him. But I didn't so now I'm in this web of issues. I could maybe just be friendly with him but it's just the way I am into him. It's hard to treat him like a normal friend... But that's what I meant with target practice maybe it's best so I can actually be normal towards people I'm attracted to instead of hiding away. Especially since he hasn't quite shown any signs he's into me?

Edited May 23, 2018 by unluckygoodlooks24

[unluckygoodlooks24]

Just to update he actually just tried to ask me out.... And apparently he's not gay at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just to update he actually just tried to ask me out.... And apparently he's not gay at all.

 

And...did you accept?

[unluckygoodlooks24]

And...did you accept?

 

It's not really what I wanted what he asked that was the problem. He likes to drink I never do. Personally I get scared of the idea of me doing anything with alcohol my dad was an alcoholic. So I have a high propensity for addiction and o can't controlling my impulses really well. Obviously look at how I'm dealing with this situation. Anyhow I said I'd like to hang out was supposed to exchange numbers but he left while I was on a call. Situation is getting worst. Every time I fantasize about doing it with him then reality sets in and I'm like hell no in my head but then like actionswise I'm like keep going. Keep telling myself in my head you're only headed for hell down this road but won't stop.... This is what I mean about lack of control of my impulses.