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Am I overreacting?


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Hi guys,

 

I will try to keep it short.. I met a guy a month ago and we went on 6 dates in total. Last night we had sex for the first time and things went, I thought, pretty well. Before getting intimate, we decided to go to an exhibition on Thursday but this morning when I left his place he literally said “ see you later this week, maybe on Thursday”. I don’t know why but I perceived this maybe as if he was pulling off after we had sex.

Am I reading too much into this? He sent me a text in the morning wishing me a good day, but I am already annoyed

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In my experience, guys forget things easily, or maybe it's just that they don't lock things down in their head like we women do (for future plans).

 

You're probably just feeling vulnerable because of having sex for the first time with him. He wouldn't have texted you, even a general text like he sent, if he was pulling away.

 

Follow up with him later if you want to nail down the plans for Thursday, something like "Hey, I'm trying to figure out my schedule this week, are we still on for Thursday?"

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You're reading too much into it. Text back about the exhibit & stop dissecting his word choices.

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OatsAndHall

I imagine he just forgot about the art exhibition. I know that there have been times when I have forgotten about specific plans when life becomes hectic. He's still communicating with you so I suggest communicating back.

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I imagine he just forgot about the art exhibition. I know that there have been times when I have forgotten about specific plans when life becomes hectic. He's still communicating with you so I suggest communicating back.

 

I texted back wishing him a good day as well. I did not mention anything about the exhibition. At this point the ball is in his court. If he really wants to see me he will follow up.

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He has every intention of seeing you again, and he let you know probably when. He followed up with a text. There is no reason to be mad.

 

But I think I know why you're mad: Because you are more invested in him and hoped more for an all-in declaration of being nuts about you and an increase in time spent together.

 

That is not what he is feeling, so if you are way ahead of him wanting to be in love, no, he's not jumping off that cliff with you. He's dating you. He may well be dating others. Sounds like he has a job and a life, which is great. It's not good when someone is always available because it usually just means they could be more productive in their life.

 

I think you're insulted because having sex didn't flip the love switch, but you shouldn't be. Most people aren't like that. It takes time and it's really healthier to not fall in love prematurely before you know someone. Don't despair about it. Just enjoy when you do see him and see what he will do without you prodding him for more or you'll never know the real guy and what his intentions are. Don't sull up and don't push. Do other things socially and don't just sit around waiting for the next date with him so that when you do see him you've got something to talk about, like "My friends and I went hiking on the new trail. Have you seen it yet? It's really pretty." Good luck.

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I texted back wishing him a good day as well. I did not mention anything about the exhibition. At this point the ball is in his court. If he really wants to see me he will follow up.

 

Sorry but I find this type of attitude to be passive aggressive game playing. You are "testing" him to see if he follows through with the exhibit. Even if he passes this test, he'll fail the next.

 

If you want to see the guy who you presumably liked enough to have sex with after 6 dates, reach out & say something about the bloody exhibit. IMO, if you aren't willing to do that you are the one who isn't worth going out with.

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What do you think the most memorable part for your date was for him?

 

1) Deciding to go to a museum exhibit

2) Having sex with you

 

What do you think was on his mind most that evening, prior to intimacy?

 

1) Making plans for a museum trip for date 7

2) Whether you'd be getting intimate together on date 6

 

Which do you think he's most likely to have forgotten the next morning, even if he genuinely likes you, due to 'other parts of the date' being on his mind?

 

1) The museum

2) Sleeping with you

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I think you're overreacting. You made plans for Thursday. Were they tentative plans? It sounds like he's planning Thursday, and the "maybe" threw you off. I would be too if plans were pretty solid, as it sounds like he's planning an "out" now, but use of "maybe" could be him trying to protect himself if you want out or he's unsure if you're going to bail, or he doesn't want to appear too eager?? Let this ride out and don't play games around your plans for Thursday. If you didn't pound out details like what time, just bring it up. You'll know soon enough if he has a foot out the door, but I don't think that you should be projecting that onto him with his maybe. He also said Thursday, which was your plan. You've been out on six dates that have gone well and progressed. See where this leads.

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Eternal Sunshine

I disagree with other posters. Devil is in the detail. If OP felt that the guy was uneathusiastic about seeing her again then he was. Every time I sensed an off vibe it turned out I was right. Guys are easy to read - ambiguity=lack of interest.

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Thank you for your replies. I still do not know what to think. He kept in touch, but we mainly talked about work related things ( he has been unemployed for 6 months now and he is applying for jobs intensively). He did not mention anything about the exhibition or about us, but I have to say he did not seem very romantic before us becoming intimate, so this is not necessarily a red flag.

His communication did not diminuish, but on the other hand after 6 dates and sleeping together I don’t feel any closer to him.

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Lotsgoingon

Well, I'm a guy and I'm gonna disagree with most people here: I think he created distance, pushed you away, turned cold and splashed some icy-cold water in your face.

 

I say this because frankly, this "I'll see you later this week" goodbye note—especially after first sex--was one of MY old moves. And the women who chose to ignore this distancing ended up quite unhappy with the young me.

 

Looking back … the only reason I would end an encounter with the "talk to you later this week" thing … was either I just wasn't that into the person ... I often had mixed feelings ... But mostly the reason I ended a night that way was because I was already feeling suffocated, or afraid of feeling suffocated, even though we had only started the relationship. So I was trying to minimize obligations, create room, space.

 

Later I learned I don't need to feel suffocated because if the relationship doesn't work for me, I can end it. I can speak up and shape the relationship. But I didn't know that then.

 

Ironically I later got a taste of my own medicine when I dated briefly two women in succession--two!---who gave me the noncommittal goodbyes. I would have what I thought was this amazing night ... just feeling that high and closeness ... and as I was leaving, they would talk to me like ... "Oh, yes, good movie. Maybe we'll see another next week." Cold water slap!

 

BTW: both of these women ultimately dumped me, just as I ultimately dumped those people I said "Let's talk later this week."

 

If I'm really into someone, I will WANT to talk to them the next day ... or see them the next day ... or at least recount how amazing the previous night was. I will want to be connected to them--not looking at my schedule and seeing if I can fit them in later in the week.

 

If someone cannot end a date leaving you feeling absolutely buzzing and high and accepted and comforted and safe (without working and talking yourself through it), this person ain’t for you.

 

I say pay attention to that cold feeling you had ... It was real--and revealing.

Edited by Lotsgoingon
tighten
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Not sure what to do. The guy keeps texting however he did not mention anything about Thursday. He just texts random things about his day and his family. Should I just move on? He just doesn’t seem very keen.

In the past, even the guys who weren’t that into me ( thing I discovered later) they seemed enthusiastic and knew how to make me feel good and keep the texts entertaining.

The more I think about everything, the less I am willing to see him again.

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Not sure what to do. The guy keeps texting however he did not mention anything about Thursday. He just texts random things about his day and his family. Should I just move on? He just doesn’t seem very keen.

In the past, even the guys who weren’t that into me ( thing I discovered later) they seemed enthusiastic and knew how to make me feel good and keep the texts entertaining.

The more I think about everything, the less I am willing to see him again.

 

If you're not willing to see him, you don't need an excuse. But yes, you are over-reacting. It seems like you have a choice. Acknowledge that something is off and actually communicate with him, including asking about the exhibit, go with the flow and stop worrying, or remove the stress from your life and end it.

 

Personally, I am a bit fan of communication and not being passive-aggressive but it's your life. If you want to end it with someone because he didn't act exactly how you anticipated he should after sex, it is totally your right...and it is also likely to repeat often with those you date in the future.

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Lotsgoingon

At this point, you really do need to own up to what you want and what you feel. If you want a serious relationship, if you want to feel an intimate connection, then it's clear you're not getting that from him.

 

People don't hide their desire for intimacy.

 

If you're OK with sleeping with him ... and no deep intimacy, proceed on ...

 

Either enjoy as is ... or move on.

 

From my perspective, you don't wanna waste time hiding this elephant in the room. You did not feel like he connected emotionally with you afterwards. You must want that ... or else you wouldn't take note ..

 

I told you earlier about times I pushed women away from intimacy ... Well one of my techniques was exactly what this guy is doing. Talk about "cold" topics ... my car ... errands ... work ... It's a way to pretend to be maintaining contact while in fact creating distance. Nothing deep about what he's doing.

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At this point, you really do need to own up to what you want and what you feel. If you want a serious relationship, if you want to feel an intimate connection, then it's clear you're not getting that from him.

 

People don't hide their desire for intimacy.

 

If you're OK with sleeping with him ... and no deep intimacy, proceed on ...

 

Either enjoy as is ... or move on.

 

From my perspective, you don't wanna waste time hiding this elephant in the room. You did not feel like he connected emotionally with you afterwards. You must want that ... or else you wouldn't take note ..

 

I told you earlier about times I pushed women away from intimacy ... Well one of my techniques was exactly what this guy is doing. Talk about "cold" topics ... my car ... errands ... work ... It's a way to pretend to be maintaining contact while in fact creating distance. Nothing deep about what he's doing.

You are right, he cancelled the date saying that he has an interview and a doctor appointment too. He did not reschedule but kept asking me about work and sent some pics from a concert that he attended last night. Next! ?

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Guys, should I give this guy a second change? He is flakey and cannot stick to his plans, however I have recently discovered that he is seeing a psychologist and that he is dealing with depression and anxiety. This made me re-evaluate him.

He managed to hide this side of him pretty well in our first few dates. He seemed very bubbly and optimistic and in control of everything. We matched on a dating app, but we met each other in real life a few years back when we were working in the same building and we would often have a little chat. Back then he used to come across as a very career-oriented person and very competitive.

He has also been unemployed for the past 7 months and his last few interviews were unsuccessful which made everything worse.

I stopped contact with him because I was fed up with his inconsistent behaviour but he kept coming back and I know that he started seeing a psychologist on a regular basis.

I feel sorry for him, but on the other hand I don’t want to waste my time.

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You are already annoyed. Now you feel sorry for him. Empathy is good but a relationship needs a more solid foundation.

 

If you like fixer-up projects buy a house. Do not date one.

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I'veseenbetterlol
Well, I'm a guy and I'm gonna disagree with most people here: I think he created distance, pushed you away, turned cold and splashed some icy-cold water in your face.

 

I say this because frankly, this "I'll see you later this week" goodbye note—especially after first sex--was one of MY old moves. And the women who chose to ignore this distancing ended up quite unhappy with the young me.

 

Looking back … the only reason I would end an encounter with the "talk to you later this week" thing … was either I just wasn't that into the person ... I often had mixed feelings ... But mostly the reason I ended a night that way was because I was already feeling suffocated, or afraid of feeling suffocated, even though we had only started the relationship. So I was trying to minimize obligations, create room, space.

 

Later I learned I don't need to feel suffocated because if the relationship doesn't work for me, I can end it. I can speak up and shape the relationship. But I didn't know that then.

 

Ironically I later got a taste of my own medicine when I dated briefly two women in succession--two!---who gave me the noncommittal goodbyes. I would have what I thought was this amazing night ... just feeling that high and closeness ... and as I was leaving, they would talk to me like ... "Oh, yes, good movie. Maybe we'll see another next week." Cold water slap!

 

BTW: both of these women ultimately dumped me, just as I ultimately dumped those people I said "Let's talk later this week."

 

If I'm really into someone, I will WANT to talk to them the next day ... or see them the next day ... or at least recount how amazing the previous night was. I will want to be connected to them--not looking at my schedule and seeing if I can fit them in later in the week.

 

If someone cannot end a date leaving you feeling absolutely buzzing and high and accepted and comforted and safe (without working and talking yourself through it), this person ain’t for you.

 

I say pay attention to that cold feeling you had ... It was real--and revealing.

 

I was thinking the same thing. Guys (women as well), don't just "forget" esp about a date w/someone they really like. I experienced this from guys after they discovered I didn't just want sex. They would forget or be too busy for me. My bf never forgot about dates when we 1st started dating. Don't accept cold behavior and if you want something long term, don't jump into bed after a short while, this way you filter out who just wants sex.

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