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hardchanges

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hardchanges

Hi, I (27m) have been dating my girlfriend (24f) for a year-and-a-half now. Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed with how insecure she is about everything. It feels like I have to be on my toes about everything I say or do, because later she will recall it and be upset about it.

 

She's frustrated that she's just started her post-secondary education late and feels behind. I've constantly re-assured her that it's okay, and lots of people start their education much later. Personally, I'm graduated and working full time. We live together and I pay for all expenses (rent, vacations, etc. and 90% of food/supplies). I've re-assured her that I'm okay with this. She helps cook food and I help with dishes/cooking whenever I can.

 

However, she keeps getting upset with me for the most unreasonable things. She keeps saying that I buy things only for myself now and don't think about her, which isn't the case at all. I barely ever buy anything for myself, and when I do, I make sure to pick something up for her too. Just today, we were out of chicken in the fridge as I ate the last of it, and she was upset that I didn't "factor" her in. However, there was plenty of other readily available food for her to eat in the fridge. This turned into an all-day argument.

 

This led to another argument about how we recently went out for dinner and I sampled too much of her dish (even though I gave her plenty of mine). These things just seem too trivial too me, and I can't stand the feeling of having to constantly walk on eggshells regarding everything I may say or do.

 

I understand she may not like where she is in life regarding school/career, but I've tried to support her every step of the way I can. Arguments like these just make me feel frustrated and overwhelmed. Thoughts?

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Hi, I (27m) have been dating my girlfriend (24f) for a year-and-a-half now. Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed with how insecure she is about everything. It feels like I have to be on my toes about everything I say or do, because later she will recall it and be upset about it.

 

She's frustrated that she's just started her post-secondary education late and feels behind. I've constantly re-assured her that it's okay, and lots of people start their education much later. Personally, I'm graduated and working full time. We live together and I pay for all expenses (rent, vacations, etc. and 90% of food/supplies). I've re-assured her that I'm okay with this. She helps cook food and I help with dishes/cooking whenever I can.

 

However, she keeps getting upset with me for the most unreasonable things. She keeps saying that I buy things only for myself now and don't think about her, which isn't the case at all. I barely ever buy anything for myself, and when I do, I make sure to pick something up for her too. Just today, we were out of chicken in the fridge as I ate the last of it, and she was upset that I didn't "factor" her in. However, there was plenty of other readily available food for her to eat in the fridge. This turned into an all-day argument.

 

This led to another argument about how we recently went out for dinner and I sampled too much of her dish (even though I gave her plenty of mine). These things just seem too trivial too me, and I can't stand the feeling of having to constantly walk on eggshells regarding everything I may say or do.

 

I understand she may not like where she is in life regarding school/career, but I've tried to support her every step of the way I can. Arguments like these just make me feel frustrated and overwhelmed. Thoughts?

 

So she's deeply insecure. Not a good candidate for a LTR. I've been on both sides. You're comfortable with who you are, you need to find someone who is comfortable in their own skin.

 

Ask yourself this question: "Do I want to deal with this the rest of my life?" If the answer is no, I would pull chocks and fly away.

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Some times you have to just cut your losses.

 

 

I'm not insecure but sometimes I do pick on my husband for not thinking about me. I've gotten snarky about it over the years because I do his laundry if I'm doing laundry; if I make popcorn I bring him a bowl; if I'm making a snack I ask him if he wants some but he rarely does those things in return so now I speak up. For example, last night he was getting himself a beer so I said "Thank you honey. I would love a glass of wine. It was so sweet of you to offer to get me one." He realized his self absorption. It wasn't an argument. I got my wine. He got a thank you kiss. There was peace in the kingdom.

 

 

Unfortunately, your GF seems to blame others & not take responsibility. It's not your fault she's behind in school. As an adult you have to anticipate that somebody else in the house may eat the last of what you want.

 

 

You can try pointing out her hypocrisy but it will probably just cause another fight.

 

 

If you are fed up you know where the door is.

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hippychick3

Considering you are essentially supporting her financially, I am flabbergasted that she was upset about you sampling too much of her food. Seriously?

 

OP, she is completely taking you for granted and very unappreciative. You are tolerating too much bad behavior. You sound like someone who deserves far better treatment than this.

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You fully support her and she’s griping about you eating the chicken and picking too much from her plate. And you’re walking on eggshells under your own roof for fear of her tirades? I think she’s taken you for granted and has developed a sense of entitlement. She probably thinks you’re under her thumb since you do so much for her.

 

If things don’t change, it would be time to get out and seek a mature and independent partner/relationship.

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Hard, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, controlling actions, temper tantrums, impulsiveness, black-white thinking, insecurity, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Significantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, I'm suggesting she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person who exhibits moderate-to-strong BPD traits which can make your life difficult regardless of whether they are so severe as to exceed the diagnostic threshold.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question.

 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, cold withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

 

I can't stand the feeling of having to constantly walk on eggshells regarding everything I may say or do.
If she really is a BPDer, "walking on eggshells" is exactly how you should be feeling after dating her for 18 months. That's why the #1 best-selling BPD book is titled Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

Thoughts?
If you ever feel tempted to marry this young woman, I would recommend you consult with a psychologist to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Meanwhile, you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

 

One key trait of BPD -- which you've not mentioned -- is a great fear of abandonment. It is so essential that, if you are not seeing it, you are not seeing a strong pattern of BPD. It typically manifests itself in strong jealousy or attempts to isolate you away from your close family members and close friends. It also can be manifested as an unreasonable expectation that you will promptly come over to be with her whenever she feels a need to have you around.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute full-blown BPD.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid remaining in a toxic relationship and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Hard.

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FilterCoffee

Stand up for yourself and don’t take this anymore because there are women out there who would treat you better and be more respectful. It’s time to move on.

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The way i see it is she is basically saying you are inconsiderate or not thoughtful in the little things in life. OK, fine...maybe she has a point. We guys often don’t score so high on that one.

 

HOWEVER, bro...why, for the love of all that is good in the world, are you taking on the responsibility of fully supporting another, grown adult - providing shelter, food, and even vacations? She is not even family, man. You’re not even married yet but you continue to support her. Why would you do this??? I think that is the bigger question here.

 

Some guys want to play the knight in shinning armor and come to the woman’s rescue and give them all of these things because they think to themselves, ‘now she will adore me and look at me like her hero with those big, beaming eyes’.

 

It doesn’t work that way, man. Stop living like that.

 

Even if you have been inconsiderate, a woman with a good attitude in her situation wouldn’t start WWIII over it.

 

She’s living in entitlement dreamland and you are the enabler.

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If you are living together, you are not "dating" anymore. If you are living together, you should really have a strong feeling that she is the one you want to be with. Why do you have to "reassure her" about paying for everything? This sounds like you have a severe lack of clarity about what this relationship is, what you want, and what the future holds. It sounds like you fell into this situation out of convenience or comfort. Take a week-long vacation by yourself somewhere and figure this out.

 

My guess is you will want to dump her, but if you want to keep her, you need to sort a lot of things out.

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coolheadal
Hi, I (27m) have been dating my girlfriend (24f) for a year-and-a-half now. Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed with how insecure she is about everything. It feels like I have to be on my toes about everything I say or do, because later she will recall it and be upset about it.

 

She's frustrated that she's just started her post-secondary education late and feels behind. I've constantly re-assured her that it's okay, and lots of people start their education much later. Personally, I'm graduated and working full time. We live together and I pay for all expenses (rent, vacations, etc. and 90% of food/supplies). I've re-assured her that I'm okay with this. She helps cook food and I help with dishes/cooking whenever I can.

 

However, she keeps getting upset with me for the most unreasonable things. She keeps saying that I buy things only for myself now and don't think about her, which isn't the case at all. I barely ever buy anything for myself, and when I do, I make sure to pick something up for her too. Just today, we were out of chicken in the fridge as I ate the last of it, and she was upset that I didn't "factor" her in. However, there was plenty of other readily available food for her to eat in the fridge. This turned into an all-day argument.

 

This led to another argument about how we recently went out for dinner and I sampled too much of her dish (even though I gave her plenty of mine). These things just seem too trivial too me, and I can't stand the feeling of having to constantly walk on eggshells regarding everything I may say or do.

 

I understand she may not like where she is in life regarding school/career, but I've tried to support her every step of the way I can. Arguments like these just make me feel frustrated and overwhelmed. Thoughts?

 

Mate I have to be honest I am this sort of relationship myself, but unlike you I stand-up for myself and tell it like is. These sort of women have anger issues and they can be very self-center at times. Like you said you ate the last of the chicken and you didn't think about her. She gone after like you did her wrong. I find it odd they don't think about you they only think about themselves. I enjoy learning about these type of women because they out there more than the normal types.

 

You can take it or leave you will never get ahead of them. I've learn that much. Does she allow you in the kitchen when she's in there cooking. That's the real test? If you get honey I am glad your in the kitchen with me or does she say tell me when your done, so I can go into the kitchen without you in there with me.

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OatsAndHall

I told myself a long time ago that I refuse to walk on egg-shells in a relationship or tip-toe around issues to avoid confrontation. And, I also will not have day-long arguments over issues that can be handled in a thirty minute long, adult conversation. Proper communication and compromise are the foundation of any stable relationship. It doesn't sound like either of those are happening right now.

 

I suggest you sit down with her and calmly explain your frustrations with the relationship. Do so in an adult, proactive manner and look to find a solution to the problems. If it gets ugly, don't bother fighting over it; just consider getting out of the relationship.

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Listen, unless you're leaving things out (like does she do most of the housework? Does she own the only car?), that woman has it as easy as she's ever going to have it in life. You're taking care of her like a child -- and so she's acting like a child. This may be the problem. You're not requiring her to contribute hardly anything. I mean, would it kill her to go to the drive-through when there's no more leftovers? Or God forbid, make a grocery store run on the way home.

 

I don't see her as insecure at all. I see her as acting like a spoiled brat who has you in the role of her daddy. What is this crap about you can't buy something for yourself without bringing her something? How seven years old is that?? You're not her daddy.

 

Unless you enjoy this role, I'd get out.

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