Do I stay or do i run?

[Midnightfvkgirl]

Complex situation but will try to keep it simple.

Im female, he's male. Met back in October on a dating site when I was working in his country. Got on extremely well (still do). I forgot about the dating site but he didnt. Initially I had an issue with it as my country doesnt really do dating more than 1 person at a time, his country does. We were getting on so great and he assured me he wasnt hanging out with other girls. I was due to leave his country in March this year so i thought that would be the end of it, id leave and get on with my life. Comes to March, i get ready to leave and he suggests we keep in touch, whatsapp, Facetime etc. I was going to be coming back out to his country every now and again so i thought why not, as we get on so well.

 

 

One of those trips back out to his country ended in me finding out that he had updated his dating site preferences from "looking for friends" to "looking for friends" and "short term dating". I pulled him up on this as it had obviously changed since we first met. He said he updated it a while ago, apparently still not hanging out with anyone else and got quite defensive - saying the app is meanignless etc. Now that would have me running for the hills usually. Especially when i did some more research and found that he is at least flirting with girls on there and giving out his number, I take that to mean he would meet them, and assume he is meeting others now, or maybe always has been. It doesnt bother me so much now, im away from his country for 5-6 weeks at a time, we never have gone official, only agreed if we wanted to hang out with others we would say. He would still say that. He doesnt know Im aware that he's seeing others.

 

 

This guy has struggled with anxiety/depression. I understand as i have been there before but spent a lot of time working on it and it rarely affects me now. His anxiety is around his relationships. He comes across as a confident guy and has a custoemr facing role for work, so not social anxiety. For all intents and purposes we are friends with benefits, the friendship seems to be deeper than it was and he opens up about things he hasnt told anyone else.

 

 

Last trip I was there, we saw each other a few times and the last time, he broke down into tears. His anxiety was playing up. I had previously told him i didnt know when my next trip would be as I didnt have to come out for work anymore (That will change by the end of the year when I take up a permanent position in his country). I think that had maybe played on his mind. Also he said he hadnt been feeling himself for the last 2 months (I left his country 2 months ago).I understand anxiety etc so when he broke down, i got him through it and he was surprised i understood and took the time to talk it through with him, it made him feel better that there was someone who understood and he could talk to as most of his friends dont understand. I kept my emotions out of it and since finding hes seeing others (or maybe is) I have drawn back emotionally to protect myself. He wants me to come back out again and wants to facetime a lot more etc. Thats fine, I get more vacation than him and have the money to visit while he hasnt. I go there to visit friends too, so its not all about him.

 

 

We had a weird conversation tho... We only had sex once on my last trip. I mentioned to him that if we're friends with benefits type thing I would have expected more sex. Especially when he was all about sex in the beginning. He said thatthis is what made his previous relationships ****, that he does want sex but his anxiety etc means that sometimes he doesnt concentrate on that and it made the girls he was in relationships with feel that he didnt want to with them. This always led to issues and splitting up. I understand that anxiety/depression has that affect. I asked if he still wanted to sleep with me, he said yes and then explained about the previous relationships and why it led to issues unneccisarily. He then said "lets see when you come out next time" then "I dont want to jump into something when we dont have to". He said he is betetr suited without sex (yet is on that dating site?) but still wants sex with me? He says hes weird. I feel he is sincere when we talk about that stuff and how we are when we are together, but on the other hand he still hasnt said about the other girls. Im fine how it is, as im not ready to be in a relationship either due to bad partners n the past. I like how its more casual, no pressure, it suits me better than what i had with others.

 

 

My confusion is that he wants to stay in touch, cant wait for me to come back etc, none of which i have forced on him. We get on extremely well and he's happy in my company, as I am with him. He knows that f i come over this time, its not work related (like the others times were) so its my cash, my holiday time, and its to see him mainly. He still wants me to come over. There is a genuine connection, i think more on the emotional level which is weird cos usually guys run from the emotional stuff and run towards sex. He seems to be running from sex (with me) but has the emotional connection, but still looking for sex on the dating site?

 

 

I am genuinely confused and looking for advice as to what to do.

Thanks

[d0nnivain]

I'd keep it casual & light until you move back there. For now, see each other when convenient. Chat occasionally but don't make any commitments until you relocate. When you permanently move to his country for your new job, then you can date exclusively in a conventional manner.

[hippychick3]

There is nothing confusing about his actions. He likes you enough for some sex and some companionship but not enough to be exclusive or call you his girlfriend. Please don’t waste your money (even though you have friends there, you’re going primarily for him) and energy traveling to him. This guy is not going to give you what you need. You’ll end up with a broken heart if you invest any more of yourself into him.

[Midnightfvkgirl]

I'd keep it casual & light until you move back there. For now, see each other when convenient. Chat occasionally but don't make any commitments until you relocate. When you permanently move to his country for your new job, then you can date exclusively in a conventional manner.

 

Thanks. I dont think hes looking for exclusivity tho..

[d0nnivain]

If you want exclusivity & he doesn't stop bothering with him.

[Midnightfvkgirl]

If you want exclusivity & he doesn't stop bothering with him.

Casual is fine with me for the moment, had a lot of issues in the past with a Narccisist bf so not ready for a serious full-on relationship, they make me feel claustrophobic currently.

I just felt I was getting mixed signals from him?

[stillafool]

Casual is fine with me for the moment, had a lot of issues in the past with a Narccisist bf so not ready for a serious full-on relationship, they make me feel claustrophobic currently.

I just felt I was getting mixed signals from him?

 

I think you are fooling yourself. You say you want casual only and he is just a FWB; but you are spying on him and upset that he is on a dating site. If he is just a FWB he is allowed to flirt, talk and date other women. It wouldn't be about 'mixed signals' because you would just ask him about it without thought. If he became unavailable for your needs you would just find another FWB. I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you really want because it sounds like you've fallen for this guy.

[smackie9]

Here's a tip, go by his actions, not by what he tells you. And red flags when both don't match.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with stillafool. That said, i would say it doesn't really matter where his head is and what he wants. What do you want? Decide that and then operate based on your goals only. Good luck

[kendahke]

since you two dont' live in the same country, I'd be letting this go. It's too much and he's not invested in you. He probably never really was since you were transient and he isn't.

 

Find a guy from where you live who doesn't do multidating. It'll be less stressful for you.

Casual is fine with me for the moment, had a lot of issues in the past with a Narccisist bf so not ready for a serious full-on relationship, they make me feel claustrophobic currently.

 

If casual was really fine with you, none of this aggravation would be taking place.

 

You're asking the sort of questions someone who wants more than casual would ask.

 

I just felt I was getting mixed signals from him?

 

No. The mixed signals are coming from you. You need to decide if you really want casual (where they do not have to account to you for anything other than agreeing on when you're going to meet up and smash) or if you actually want a relationship. Once you are clear on that, your actions will follow accordingly and you will employ the requisite discipline to stay out of involvements that are not what you actually want.

 

If you're just out of a relationship with a narcissist, then take some time and don't get caught up with someone completely inappropriate whose actions are telling you they want FWB and FWB only, not a relationship; they don't want to account to anyone as to why they're still on a dating app and don't want to answer to why they are dating other women, especially when absolutely no talk of exclusivity has taken place.

Edited June 22, 2018 by kendahke