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To do or not to do?


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Old 18th May 2018, 1:29 AM   #1
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To do or not to do?

I am good at certain things but I am not so good at other things and one of them is reading people. Probably one of the things I am worst at is giving up which has its pros and cons.


Somehow I managed to get a friend to join me and group of friends for a weekend away. Not too sure how I managed to do this actually, either she has no interest in me at all and is going because she is my friend or. She admitted she likes to spend time with me.


She seemed especially keen when I mentioned I would relax my no drink policy on this occasion.


I just cant a get a read on this, she isn't having the best of times with her bf at that moment and I know the weight of this forum is going to come down on me but don't judge me so quickly. I know from past experience when she does drink she gets rather 'outgoing" so if the opportunity arises for a kiss or more do I go for it or morally walk away from it?


Complicating this more is the fact she knows I like her, there must be something about the dynamic because whenever we are out people think we are dating so.


My question is morally go for it or morally don't and yes I know "well if she would with you she would with others".


Please try not to crucify me too much in your replies
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Old 18th May 2018, 2:13 AM   #2
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Why would you even ask her away for a wkend if she's got a bf.
But nope , if she does tag along l'd have no interest anyway in someone that would try it when she's already got a bf, just because she's had some drinks.

Last edited by Chilli; 18th May 2018 at 2:19 AM..
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Old 18th May 2018, 2:43 AM   #3
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Why would you even ask her away for a wkend if she's got a bf.
But nope , if she does tag along l'd have no interest anyway in someone that would try it when she's already got a bf, just because she's had some drinks.


Simple really, I don't have any single friends.
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Old 18th May 2018, 6:45 AM   #4
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She has a boyfriend, so no. This will lead to more anxiety and more hurt and a let-down because no matter what, she's with someone else. Plus you have the added bonus of guilt because you know it's wrong. Add to that, what you already know, if this is how she gets when she's tipsy, you will never trust her. It really doesn't matter if she makes the moves on you, it's still wrong. She needs to resolve her issues with her BF, break up or make it work, and adding a fling on a weekend getaway isn't going to help. You're just inviting a lot of negative issues and feelings on yourself to get involved romantically. You could lose her as a friend, and you could lose your other friends, as surely they know she has a BF, and this could blow up on you, especially when the BF finds out. Think long-term, ZA. Sure, it will be great in the moment, but days and weeks down the line, you may find it was a stupid move to cross that boundary.
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Old 18th May 2018, 6:57 AM   #5
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She has a boyfriend, so no. This will lead to more anxiety and more hurt and a let-down because no matter what, she's with someone else. Plus you have the added bonus of guilt because you know it's wrong. Add to that, what you already know, if this is how she gets when she's tipsy, you will never trust her. It really doesn't matter if she makes the moves on you, it's still wrong. She needs to resolve her issues with her BF, break up or make it work, and adding a fling on a weekend getaway isn't going to help. You're just inviting a lot of negative issues and feelings on yourself to get involved romantically. You could lose her as a friend, and you could lose your other friends, as surely they know she has a BF, and this could blow up on you, especially when the BF finds out. Think long-term, ZA. Sure, it will be great in the moment, but days and weeks down the line, you may find it was a stupid move to cross that boundary.

I can fault your logic and I have wondered and wondered about this for most of the week.


Thing is


1: I never really get this far ever, its the first time I going anyway with anyone.
2: If she initiates with me I am comfortable with her which I am not with most people.
3: Long term for me is pretty bleak when it comes to dating so I find myself happier if I don't think there because I then have to live with the past.


Overall I think you are right. Perhaps I'll just go with a hug or maybe rather just say "I like you but you are with him". Or she has to play open cards with me but I don't really see that happening.


She is going with me being well aware I like her. Am I being tested here? Is she expecting me to initiate something? Or does she see me unthreatening in the context, whenever people ask if we are dating (and they do often) she never says we aren't but doesn't say we are.


Honestly I think I am moderately intelligent but I cant ever figure this stuff out. No past experience doesn't help me a heck of a lot either.


Part of me just wants that one nice experience but as you say it might be heavily tainted with negative if I loose the friendship and considering I only have two good friends that would be a disaster of sorts.
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Old 18th May 2018, 1:04 PM   #6
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I am leaning toward cancelling the whole thing. As always I just don't know what to do when it comes to this.
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Old 18th May 2018, 2:07 PM   #7
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She admitted she likes to spend time with me...
She seemed especially keen when I mentioned I would relax my no drink policy on this occasion...
she isn't having the best of times with her bf at that moment...
Complicating this more is the fact she knows I like her, there must be something about the dynamic because whenever we are out people think we are dating so...
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She is going with me being well aware I like her...
whenever people ask if we are dating (and they do often) she never says we aren't...
It's pretty clear that she's open to having something with you. But if you want to be extra sure, say something flirty like "Hmmm, I wonder how you'd look in your bikini. :P" or "I'm glad you decided to come, now I have someone to play with when everyone else are doing couple-y things " If she responds well to messages like this then you know she's down for some fun!

Now whether it's morally correct, that depends. If I was friends with her bf then I wouldn't want to do anything but otherwise, I'd play along. I don't think there's anything morally wrong in being attracted to someone. If anything, she's the amoral one because she knows what you want and is continuing to go with it. So if you're not friends with her bf, I'd do my best to give her a good time.
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Old 18th May 2018, 2:16 PM   #8
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ZA Dater, I bugged you already a few times with this but I really, seriously think you should consider looking into traits of ASD and see if they fit.

There is a HUGE amount of misinformation on what ASD actually is, and it took me the best part of 6 years to truly come to grips with my diagnosis, but it gave me answers about why I was behaving a certain why, and why people were reacting to me a certain way.

Not reading people or not being able to preempt their reactions, making the same social mistakes over and over, delayed or retroactive emotional reactions = mind blindedness, which is at the centre of ASD (on top of sensory issue and social awkwardness).

Please, consider doing some serious reading before dismissing it.
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Old 18th May 2018, 2:23 PM   #9
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It's pretty clear that she's open to having something with you. But if you want to be extra sure, say something flirty like "Hmmm, I wonder how you'd look in your bikini. :P" or "I'm glad you decided to come, now I have someone to play with when everyone else are doing couple-y things " If she responds well to messages like this then you know she's down for some fun!

Now whether it's morally correct, that depends. If I was friends with her bf then I wouldn't want to do anything but otherwise, I'd play along. I don't think there's anything morally wrong in being attracted to someone. If anything, she's the amoral one because she knows what you want and is continuing to go with it. So if you're not friends with her bf, I'd do my best to give her a good time.


I have met him. He doesn't like me at all. She is still coming along with me regardless.


Now she tells me "she needs down time during the day" i.e. time away from me, which I don't take to be a good thing at all.


We are going to have drinks. I am going to trust you and actually try some of your suggestions.


The problem with me is I have such a bad record at this, its totally new territory for me.
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Old 18th May 2018, 2:27 PM   #10
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I'd say go for it, but she does have a bf, so the best bet would be to confront her about her bf and see if she's about to leave him or not. You never want to be in the OM category, because that only causes more problems. However, I don't know the situation, so I can't give much input or advice on the matter, but I think that if you really like this girl and she really likes you back, she should break up with her bf ... I don't think you are in the wrong, because the heart wants what it wants, but I think it's clear that her intentions could be flaky or that you may be an out for her current RS. Do what you feel is right and don't feed into anything negative someone may say to you on here, because only you know the full story and probably know what is and was is not the right move.


I hope this helps and keep us posted.
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Old 18th May 2018, 2:28 PM   #11
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ZA Dater, I bugged you already a few times with this but I really, seriously think you should consider looking into traits of ASD and see if they fit.

There is a HUGE amount of misinformation on what ASD actually is, and it took me the best part of 6 years to truly come to grips with my diagnosis, but it gave me answers about why I was behaving a certain why, and why people were reacting to me a certain way.

Not reading people or not being able to preempt their reactions, making the same social mistakes over and over, delayed or retroactive emotional reactions = mind blindedness, which is at the centre of ASD (on top of sensory issue and social awkwardness).

Please, consider doing some serious reading before dismissing it.


I have done some reading. Definitely isn't me, the issue for me is just a lack of confidence and a lack of success. Both directly related to each other.


Most of the time I am on my own so actually spending a weekend with a group and a good friend is good.
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Old 18th May 2018, 2:36 PM   #12
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I'd say go for it, but she does have a bf, so the best bet would be to confront her about her bf and see if she's about to leave him or not. You never want to be in the OM category, because that only causes more problems. However, I don't know the situation, so I can't give much input or advice on the matter, but I think that if you really like this girl and she really likes you back, she should break up with her bf ... I don't think you are in the wrong, because the heart wants what it wants, but I think it's clear that her intentions could be flaky or that you may be an out for her current RS. Do what you feel is right and don't feed into anything negative someone may say to you on here, because only you know the full story and probably know what is and was is not the right move.


I hope this helps and keep us posted.


Would this be a terrible idea?


Have some wine and I know her mouth becomes quite open when she does and then I simply tell her I like her and see if I can get a kiss?


The downside for me is mega if this goes wrong but what can be wrong about simply telling someone what you feel? Every time we are together people think we are dating, she never ever says we aren't.


Its a joke really, yesterday I was working on a huge multi million dollar merger that that didn't have me half as anxious as this does.
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Old 18th May 2018, 2:55 PM   #13
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I have met him. He doesn't like me at all. She is still coming along with me regardless.


Now she tells me "she needs down time during the day" i.e. time away from me, which I don't take to be a good thing at all.


We are going to have drinks. I am going to trust you and actually try some of your suggestions.


The problem with me is I have such a bad record at this, its totally new territory for me.
More reasons why she's down to doing stuff.

While you're trying stuff out, go ahead and try to be more physical as well. She has given you PLENTY of signs.

Now how do you become more physical? By not making a big deal of it.
  • When you meet her, give her a good hug.
  • When you're walking with her, offer your hand when the path is bumpy or if you have to jump over some rocks.
  • When you want to take her somewhere, put your hand on her lower back and gently lead the way.
  • When you two are bantering, don't be shy to act like a 5 year old and mess her hair up, poke her tummy or playfully shove her.
  • When she's had a lot to drink, offer your arm for support.

Also, pepper your conversations with flirtiness. A good rule to follow is, if it feels risky/dangerous to say something then you should say it. If she reacts negatively, you can dial it back a bit but if she's receptive, take it further the next time.

Don't expect her to do anything. The very fact that she's going on this trip and has given you all these signs is enough. It is your job to lead from here. Use this opportunity to try things you've never done before and most importantly, have fun!
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Old 18th May 2018, 3:22 PM   #14
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More reasons why she's down to doing stuff.

While you're trying stuff out, go ahead and try to be more physical as well. She has given you PLENTY of signs.

Now how do you become more physical? By not making a big deal of it.
  • When you meet her, give her a good hug.
  • When you're walking with her, offer your hand when the path is bumpy or if you have to jump over some rocks.
  • When you want to take her somewhere, put your hand on her lower back and gently lead the way.
  • When you two are bantering, don't be shy to act like a 5 year old and mess her hair up, poke her tummy or playfully shove her.
  • When she's had a lot to drink, offer your arm for support.
Also, pepper your conversations with flirtiness. A good rule to follow is, if it feels risky/dangerous to say something then you should say it. If she reacts negatively, you can dial it back a bit but if she's receptive, take it further the next time.

Don't expect her to do anything. The very fact that she's going on this trip and has given you all these signs is enough. It is your job to lead from here. Use this opportunity to try things you've never done before and most importantly, have fun!


THANK YOU! Amazing advice, hopefully I will get some sleep pondering this. That's always been my thing I don't step out of what feels comfortable. Its so incredibly hard to do that.


She is trying to put some sort of work spin on this (we both take pictures as a quasi work/hobby) in that she needs downtime to edit pictures.

Last edited by ZA Dater; 18th May 2018 at 3:25 PM..
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Old 19th May 2018, 9:56 AM   #15
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Got my answer, she isn't interested. Such is life had to hear about how great the bf is.

Thanks everyone for your advice. Just going to enjoy this friendship and throw dating in the bin.
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