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Am I just being needy?


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Old 17th May 2018, 4:01 PM   #1
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Am I just being needy?

I have been dating my boyfriend for close to a month now and when we were “talking” he was a bit more attentive than he is now. He is not as much of a conversationalist as I am, especially in public he’s a bit more quiet. I have always been in relationships where my SO depends on me and is needy to me and wanted to constantly be together, but this is not the case with him. He is graduating college this weekend and this is our senior week, so I am trying to be understanding that he is prioritizing friends over myself currently. Last night we alwere all at the bowling alley and he did not pay much attention to the fact that I was there, we talked briefly and then went to our seperate friend groups. I’m worried that this lack of attention means that he is not emotionally invested in me or truly cares. I’m not sure if this is a red flag. I mentioned before that I was worried about this and he did better with making time for me and genuinely felt badly. Granted, we did not make the plans together last night, but if you’re in the same room as your SO, don’t you go spend time with them? I am worried I am now being the needy one. He knows we will be seeing eachother all summer so he told me he needs to prioritize his friends he will not be seeing again right now. Am I just being a nag? (Senior week=big drunkfest for his friends and himself)
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Old 17th May 2018, 4:15 PM   #2
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You haven't even been dating for a month. Why would he prioritise you over his friends at this point?
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Old 17th May 2018, 4:43 PM   #3
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How did you end up at the bowling alley if he didn't invite you?

Look, it's early, but it is true that some guys don't even want to talk to women so much as have sex with them and get "taken care of" by them. So just keep your eyes open and don't make excuses for his actions. Just know that you are just now getting to know him and he is showing you who he is. Who he is right now is a guy who doesn't take you seriously enough (too early) to let his friends think you're together and isn't afraid of losing you by ignoring you.

However, IF you came to the bowling alley uninvited because you knew he'd be there, then you're at fault here and he has every reason to ignore you.
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Old 17th May 2018, 4:49 PM   #4
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Yes you are being needy & unreasonable. It's a week before graduation & you are the new GF. You barely rank at this point. He is all about his last hurrah. If you can blend the friend groups to party together fine but until graduation the buddies take priority especially if you will all scatter to far geographies after graduation. If he's still keeping in touch, take that as a positive sign. Go be with your friends. Let him have this. It will show him you are secure & fun not a clingy wet blanket.


If things don't simmer down within a week after graduation, well them you may have a problem.
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Old 17th May 2018, 4:57 PM   #5
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You're just too used to being with needy clingy guys, now you've met a strong independent guy and he's got you reeling because you don't know how to handle a secure guy.



Roll with it. 2 people don't need to be so intertwined, it just ain't healthy.
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Old 17th May 2018, 5:21 PM   #6
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If he's going to be seeing you most of the summer, won't be seeing many of his friends again, and made plans with them rather than with you, I think it's only fair he spend that time primarily with them.

Wouldn't you feel a little put out if you had a big girls night out planned, and then after agreeing to go, one of your friends bailed out so see their s/o?
Once you've made plans with other people, whatever those plans may be, you do your best to stick to them. That's what reliable people of integrity do.
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Old 17th May 2018, 8:19 PM   #7
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I should probably mention that this is our first month of official dating, we have been together in a total of 3 months. And the bowling alley was for the entire school to go to, he went with his friends and I mine. I am understanding completely to what he is going through I just worry that I would not be treated right continuously. When we were together before while talking things were much different than they have been this week. Thank you for th advice
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Old 17th May 2018, 8:25 PM   #8
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I can't think of a worse week to base the health of your relationship on than the week before you graduate from college. Except maybe the death of a parent.

Yes, you're being too needy/clingy.
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Old 18th May 2018, 7:36 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaitygrace2018 View Post
I should probably mention that this is our first month of official dating, we have been together in a total of 3 months. And the bowling alley was for the entire school to go to, he went with his friends and I mine. I am understanding completely to what he is going through I just worry that I would not be treated right continuously. When we were together before while talking things were much different than they have been this week. Thank you for th advice
It's the week. It's not forever.

Why aren't you trusting that he's really the good guy who you initially liked & agreed to date? Can't that guy have a wild week with his buddies the week before graduation? Why are you begrudging him that?

Seriously the more you fret, the more unattractive you are. Chill.
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Old 18th May 2018, 10:43 AM   #10
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Grad and parties would be my main focus too. Give him his space, and reassess his interest after all this blows over. GFs may come and go, but this time in his life is a big deal. He probably won't be seeing half of these people after grad, get what I mean?
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Old 18th May 2018, 1:33 PM   #11
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If I was into a girl, a month (or 3) is long enough where if we were at a group event together - I'd keep wanting to check in with her. I'd want to be on her bowling team, I'd want her to sit next to me. I'd want my friends around me too - But for sure I'd be wishing she was near me. Not the whole time, but certainly at least 50% of the time - preferably more.

If I wasn't that into her I wouldn't care where she was.
I've been told I'm needy though. So there's that.
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Old 18th May 2018, 1:40 PM   #12
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I wouldn't expect him to "prioritize you over friends" at such an early stage of dating, but it does strike me as somewhat strange that he pretty much ignored you at the group event. Do his friends know you're dating? If they don't, are you okay with that?
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Old 19th May 2018, 11:25 AM   #13
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If he's still in school, he's young, and it's just a fact that a lot of young guys are still in that mindset that they don't like bringing girls around their guy friends, who will either shame or tease them or start asking about what she's like having sex. So they just avoid looking like they are interested in a girl. I'm telling you, lots of them are that childish! They grow out of it, but young guy friends can be brutal. The less experienced they are, the more brutal and intrusive they are about it.

Plus you're only been dating a month. It does seem rude IF he didn't even acknowledge you. But if he at least made a point to say hi, he's not out of line. If he didn't even say hi and acted cold or put out or embarrassed when you did, he is too immature for you to want to date.
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Old 21st May 2018, 9:23 PM   #14
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One month ... three months ... doesn't matter. He did not skillfully stay connected with you ...

You can be with someone for two weeks and the person says ... "so you're going to your friends ... I'll go to mine ... Let's talk later ...or I'll meet up with you at X time."

If someone is into another person, they figure out how to stay connected.

So yes, red flag. Huge red flag.

He's already got you questioning yourself and your reactions.

BTW:I don't really buy the "Maybe I'm being too needy" thing.

A good relationship is by definition one in which you don't feel needy. Instead, you feel affirmed ... you feel the other person's attention and love and effort ... Unless you are Fatal Attraction ... if you're feeling needy, that's a sign that deep down you're not feeling safe in the relationship ...Not a sign that you need to do something different ... a sign that the relationship needs to be different ... as in ... with a different person.

Bring this up with him directly. Like no soft-pedaling ... see what he says and what he does ... But truthfully, I've never seen relationships like this work out ... if one person after a few months of dating is feeling like he/she isn't really being prioritized and paid attention to, these people aren't a good fit for each other.

That scenario just never ends well. Relax and prepare to move on ... to someone who makes you feel prioritized and attended to.


Red flag. Huge ...

Last edited by Lotsgoingon; 21st May 2018 at 11:19 PM..
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Old 22nd May 2018, 7:55 AM   #15
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The complete and total shun and ignore would very much bother me. Realizing this relationship is very new and he has other priorities, and this is the last he'll see a majority of these people, I think you need to just take it with a grain of salt and see how the future plays out. Admittedly, being totally ignored triggers me with a bad relationship, and I would think some glances and smiles at each other, and connecting in person a couple times; he stops to say hi to you at your group, you go to chat a little with him and his group would be reasonable. Being fully ignored is not a good thing. BUT, as mentioned many times, this is one week, and a big week for him. Let him have his fun and then the two of you have the summer. See how things progress.
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