Am I being a fool?

[Fair]

Met a guy from my own small town. I've always known who he was but we've been fb friends for a few months now. I think he's always liked me, in fact, I know it, but he's lonely, kid grown up, father just died, hasn't been in a relationship for a few years. Lately, he started love bombing me on fb. Yesterday, told me he's developed feelings for me that are real despite the fact I'm still not over an anxiety/panic disorder and we haven't even met for coffee.

Though of course, we both grew up in this town, we were never friends. FB is as close as we've gotten other than brief appearances here and there.

 

He told me he wants a relationship with me, and yesterday said something that sounded like he was admitting to falling in love with me. He said his heart belongs to me, if I'll have it. I know enough of him to believe he's a sensitive, and probably deeply caring individual, and I haven't discouraged his feelings. I basically said we'll have to see what happens when we actually spend time together.

 

Trouble is... I don't want to be an idiot. He doesn't ask a lot of questions about me or my life and he doesn't tell me much. It's all just flattery, laced with hearts about how beautiful I am and how much I mean to him because I'm the only one he has right now due to family dysfunction, from what I gather... and his lack of a relationship. He could be sincere. I've developed feelings for him too, oddly enough. I think similar situations are what's causing the attraction and drawing us together.

 

But how do I handle my doubts? Why doesn't he ask me questions... why so superficial are the conversations? Why is he practically telling me he's in love with me? What should I think? How should I proceed...? I'm hopelessly terrible at men and dating. I can't relax and go with the flow, always wait for the other shoe to drop... and always think everything about everyone is off, somehow. Maybe I'm the one who is off... Please help. Thanks.

[coolheadal]

Invite him over for dinner? You two really need to sit down and talk things over. Never rush into things with a man like this. Your fallen on your face with being hopeless in love with a man you really haven't done anything with him yet. No dates, no nothing. Where to start you don't know and he's already fallen in love using you as his wet blanket. I would not encourage his ego at this moment. Watch out for the clues are you really ready for this man? Ask yourself this question. Your history with men and his life is going nowhere. You need to date first. Like I had mentioned invite him over for dinner and talk. If he can't talk to you then you and him shouldn't be together. What sort of relationship would that be like if you couldn't get him to talk things over. You need to stand-up for yourself as well. Don't go down the road just yet my dear!

[Fair]

Invite him over for dinner? You two really need to sit down and talk things over. Never rush into things with a man like this. Your fallen on your face with being hopeless in love with a man you really haven't done anything with him yet. No dates, no nothing. Where to start you don't know and he's already fallen in love using you as his wet blanket. I would not encourage his ego at this moment. Watch out for the clues are you really ready for this man? Ask yourself this question. Your history with men and his life is going nowhere. You need to date first. Like I had mentioned invite him over for dinner and talk. If he can't talk to you then you and him shouldn't be together. What sort of relationship would that be like if you couldn't get him to talk things over. You need to stand-up for yourself as well. Don't go down the road just yet my dear!

 

I just got confused and not knowing how to talk to him, deleted my fb account. I felt like anything I said would sound like a relationship talk with someone I don't actually have a relationship with and don't want to sound pathetic. But don't want to lose him entirely, yet don't want anyone messing with my head. I'm not well. I don't want to be prey because of that, yet don't think he's that type. Confused all around. Do I phone him? Try to discuss my own muddled thoughts? Or Do I just forget him altogether. I'm not in love with him, but the feelings I had were getting intense and he said the same but I don't really know what to believe. I really know nothing about his personal life. Maybe this is one of those situations I should just ditch with no explanation, only... what if it's a mistake? Feeling very down.

[coolheadal]

I just got confused and not knowing how to talk to him, deleted my fb account. I felt like anything I said would sound like a relationship talk with someone I don't actually have a relationship with and don't want to sound pathetic. But don't want to lose him entirely, yet don't want anyone messing with my head. I'm not well. I don't want to be prey because of that, yet don't think he's that type. Confused all around. Do I phone him? Try to discuss my own muddled thoughts? Or Do I just forget him altogether. I'm not in love with him, but the feelings I had were getting intense and he said the same but I don't really know what to believe. I really know nothing about his personal life. Maybe this is one of those situations I should just ditch with no explanation, only... what if it's a mistake? Feeling very down.

 

But you just said your not in love with him. You and him are just friends nothing else. If your not well then you need to back off and think things through. Him on the other hand going too fast into a relationship you two don't even have yet. That's a danger sign right there. Calling him up not going to change how he feels about you. You don't even feel anything yet for him. He already made his mind up and your the one for him and he loves you already an etc. Anyone reading all what you type would warn you to take a step back. Yes you like him but you don't know his mental state of mind. You don't know what your getting yourself into with him. You can call him and talk but don't fall prey into his ego world. You need to date first. Many dates not just one and then your in love. Doesn't work like that for everyone.

[Fair]

I wonder if he's just a romantic, like me. Everyone in town likes him, just... I don't know him well, personally. Maybe we all duck and run too soon. I don't know. I feel like I should have discussed it with him, but don't know how. Salvage a friendship at least.

[Dating Dan]

Situations like these are hard, you have got some very good advice in this thread. Have him over for dinner and try to get him to open up. If you can get him too and you like what you see then great, if not then don't fall for his lines.

[2much4]

I wonder if he's just a romantic, like me. Everyone in town likes him, just... I don't know him well, personally. Maybe we all duck and run too soon. I don't know. I feel like I should have discussed it with him, but don't know how. Salvage a friendship at least.

 

Just because everyone in town likes him doesn't mean you don't have to be careful. It says absolutely nothing about his relationship character. I'd be extremely careful about anyone telling you they love you without even having met for coffee.

 

If he's love bombing you already trying "friendship" is a recipe for disaster.

[d0nnivain]

It sounds socially awkward. You deleting your FB was unnecessarily cruel. You would have been bettered served speaking your mind & asking for a meet. When he started to love bomb you, then was the time to shut it down:

 

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Thank you for the lovely flattering words but lets not get ahead of ourselves. Despite being from the same town we don't really know each other in real life. Lets get together for coffee (or a drink) & we can talk about whether this has traction but slow down, OK

 

Now that you just dropped out, he's hurt & confused.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Something is off here, and you know it.

 

In my experience, a man who develops such deep "feelings" without having taken the time to get to know me or having put much effort into spending time one on one with me is running some type of game or is disturbed in some way.

[BaileyB]

It's fairly obvious that you are not ready for a serious relationship. As such, you should have just told him that.

 

Beware of people who offer too much, too soon... Emotionally healthy people generally don't love bomb people that they hardly know.

[Fair]

It's fairly obvious that you are not ready for a serious relationship. As such, you should have just told him that.

 

Beware of people who offer too much, too soon... Emotionally healthy people generally don't love bomb people that they hardly know.

 

I did tell him that right from the start. He quit for a while and then started again. I got frustrated.

 

I think he's just really lonely, like me. There's no one here to date and we're both single and he's always found me attractive. I'm not saying he went about it the right way... but now that I've thought of it some more communicating online alone can seduce a person into saying things they normally wouldn't.

 

I'm not ready to date, but men don't want just a 'friend' in a woman. My own loneliness and need for someone... anyone... (I've been off work for six months now with anxiety) was causing me to want to forget about putting on the breaks the second time and I knew it was wrong so I just got rid of my whole fb out feeling overwhelmed. Not saying that was right either... but it's what I did.

 

He wasn't asking me anything about myself or my life, either... then fell in love with me. Why wouldn't you want to ask deeper questions if you're really interested in a woman? It does smell like a game, I have to agree.

[Devencianna]

Proceed with caution it seems as if he’s moving a hit fast

[smackie9]

Run away as fast as you can. I don't think he's a player type, but more of an obsessive personality. People like him become stalkers. Don't take my warning lightly....you do not want to go there. You may feel sorry for him, or h e is familiar, or you are lonely yourself, or you are one of those who gives people the benefit of a doubt and you can handle him. NO, you are putting yourself in a situation that may escalate into something troubling. Like I always say, if it doesn't feel right, it's not.

[preraph]

Look, your instincts are good. No one who gets himself that worked up over Facebook is genuine. He can't love you because you've never been on a date face to face. He doesn't even know you, and as you pointed out, he's not trying to get to know you. Do you want to know why he isn't trying to get to know you? Because he thinks he already knows that you are like the "ideal woman" he has in his head. That's who he loves, this imaginary woman who doesn't even exist, but he believes each woman he is physically attracted to IS that woman, so he's going to go by that script in his head about the woman he imagines he loves and loves him back and act accordingly. He is going to try to fit you into that script and it would take getting together in person and probably some weeks or months of you being who you really are and not trying to keep him happy and delusional that you are a perfect woman for him to say, "She's changed. She used to be this perfect woman (he imagined and assumed you were) but now she's changed and I don't like her as well." Because he's not in love with you. He's in love with his ideal.

 

I think you should keep him blocked. It's only going to turn into a big ordeal. It's not healthy that he's love-bombing you like that having never met you. He's a bit delusional to do that, don't you agree? Your gut is telling you this is all wrong, and your gut is right. Other species always trust their instincts because they developed them and they became hard-wired to allow them to survive. Only humans try to set them aside, and it's a bad idea. They're there for a reason. Something primal in you feels this as a vague threat, and it is. He's trouble and chaos and he'll be hard to deal with even if you get in person because he's delusional to that degree, so he'll be hard to reason with.

 

Just for contrast, here is what a normal progression of events would have looked like if you're on Facebook and meet someone you might be interested in from your own small town. He'd, right away, say, "I'm so glad I ran into someone from my town on here. We should go out for coffee next week."

 

No muss, no fuss, no love-bombing or theatrics, no waiting months to get up the nerve to go on a simple coffee and then boiling over emotionally.

Edited May 17, 2018 by preraph

[Fair]

you're right, preraph. That's what I thought, myself. I'm an ideal... a fantasy to him. We put our best face on fb.

 

He didn't say let's have coffee right away because he knows I'm struggling with anxiety and don't want to get into anything right away. But I've noticed him slowly driving by my house several times in a day, hoping I'll be out on my deck or in my yard where he can then stop and initiate a meeting. It all sounds creepy, but I just don't see him that way. We were kids together in the same school and he's friends with all my friends around here. Just afraid of chaos and drama, as you said. Or being lulled into an ill fated romance. I'm not equipped to deal with it right now.

 

Yet I feel a loss. I had no one but him as any type of friend. Cutting myself off from the one and only person I had communication with doesn't seem healthy either. Through my ordeal I've reached out to many for support, and gotten responses from none. This guy reached out of his own accord and has offered to drive me to appt's, to help me in any way I need it if I want it. And in my current condition, I do need a lot of help. For example, it snowed so much this winter, and I couldn't even go outside to shovel myself out, so he came over and did it for me. I'm sick of always having to let people go and just wish there was a way to salvage something here, without keeping him blocked. I'm really in a desperate situation right now, and need someone to be here for me.

 

I guess I don't know how to set firm boundaries without trashing the whole darn thing. There's a proverb that says... 'never cut what you can untie.' There's wisdom in that. I would rather not have to cut it I only knew a way.

Edited May 17, 2018 by Fair

[Fair]

The problem is, it's never another woman who'll rush to my aid. It's always a man... but then of course they expect something in return.

[preraph]

I really don't like him driving by your house, especially if this happened after you unFacebooked him, because that's not respecting your boundaries and makes him look like he doesn't care what YOU want, only what HE wants.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Anxiety can indeed be crippling, but I do see red flags with this person so you're not imagining that. I'm glad you said he did want to take you out before though and that you were the one that wasn't ready. Still, he shouldn't be getting himself this worked up having not gotten to you face to face and especially after you saying no and unFacebooking him. That isn't good. If he instead had respected your decision, and just chilled, maybe you could have built a little trust in him, right?

 

Have you seen a psychiatrist about your anxiety? Because it sounds crippling and oftentimes, anxiety is treatable between therapy and meds. I hope if you haven't gone, you will try to make yourself give it a shot. I know having anxiety makes it even harder for you to take on therapy! But there are some cases where a person gets better in a really short time and it really helps their life. If you do go, you must always do everything the doctor says exactly and never change doses or quit, but always just report anything if the med bothers you or changes your mood too much or makes you feel bad or anything and let them decide the next step. it often takes a combination and trying different things and giving each new thing a couple of months to regulate. Does no good to go and refuse meds or ignore doc's orders.

 

Also, there's new things to try all the time, so even if you went in the distant past, you might try again.

 

If that guy knows how anxious you are, he can surely fathom why you cut him off after he got carried away. If not, he just isn't listening.

[Fair]

Many good points again, preraph. That last line... gold.

 

I'm being treated for anxiety. Thanks for your advice and compassion. It's going away bit by bit but it's been such a long, hard fight, and right now still feel very vulnerable, wary of anything I fear might set me back. I do NOT want to go there.

 

It rather bothers me how many people you have to watch out for when you're not strong. It hurts. A lot. Are there no genuinely caring, helpful people? I don't want to believe there aren't but you sure get an awakening when you're going through something like this, look around and find either everyone has scattered, or you're left with opportunists, only.

[coolheadal]

Wait look and listen to you mindset before you take on any new relationship. Get over your own fears first. He's might be popular in your town but would he be popular for you. Nope! This type of guy not for you, and then you would have a panic attack over it. Anything goes wrong you would flip-out on him! Like I had said wait, look and then listen...

[smackie9]

You don't need some dude or dudes that are looking for a relationship to help you.

 

 

If I ever needed help, my friend's husband, any of my GFs, a neighbor, or family would step in.

 

 

 

Need to work on developing other relationships. It is a give and take. I would offer to buy beer, make food or give money or help them with some way in return.

 

 

 

Change the way you approach life, and life will change for you.

[preraph]

Many good points again, preraph. That last line... gold.

 

I'm being treated for anxiety. Thanks for your advice and compassion. It's going away bit by bit but it's been such a long, hard fight, and right now still feel very vulnerable, wary of anything I fear might set me back. I do NOT want to go there.

 

It rather bothers me how many people you have to watch out for when you're not strong. It hurts. A lot. Are there no genuinely caring, helpful people? I don't want to believe there aren't but you sure get an awakening when you're going through something like this, look around and find either everyone has scattered, or you're left with opportunists, only.

 

I guess you could say I had a form of anxiety during a bad depression. I was diagnosed with PTSD, but it wasn't the nightmare combat type where you're reliving grisly things, but it was a burden nonetheless. I was lucky to, after many years and no help from anyone, finally come out of it, and I do remember how raw and fragile I felt for some time afterwards. And I am the strongest person I know, or was before. But so glad you're having some improvement! Probably not a good idea to try to have a romantic relationship yet. But I agree that a goal should be to start at least waving to your neighbors, the least scary of them, so that if you need a little help sometime, maybe you could ask for it. Also, don't forget, you can hire people. I've been a woman alone all these years and I'm past the point I can do anything for myself even though I was handy when younger. I had to pay a guy working at a neighbor's house $20 to come over here and fish my iRobot vacuum out from under the bed, where it had run out of power! So don't feel bad to ask for help and pay for it. Be patient and as you progress, things will become less hard, but it's going to be gradual. The more you press the envelope and see nothing bad happens, the more you'll come along.

 

But that is why I say probably no romance now, because romance is really a high risk for most people. It's a better chance you'll get hurt than not, so why put yourself through that until you're strong.

[Fair]

You don't need some dude or dudes that are looking for a relationship to help you.

 

 

If I ever needed help, my friend's husband, any of my GFs, a neighbor, or family would step in.

 

 

 

Need to work on developing other relationships. It is a give and take. I would offer to buy beer, make food or give money or help them with some way in return.

 

 

 

Change the way you approach life, and life will change for you.

 

I have no one. My family is dysfunctional and toxic, any friend I thought I had before I got sick disappeared, and it's hard to make friends with your neighbors when anxiety has made you agoraphobic and you can't leave the house. Plus everyone is so busy... 'help thy neighbor' doesn't apply in this day and age... unless you can pay them. At least I'm able to leave the house now. But still not well enough to go back to work.

 

But you're right. When I'm better I must expand my horizons. It was scarier than heck when I got seriously ill and realized I was completely on my own when I literally couldn't leave the house at all. A dose of pills with the bottle always in my pocket was the only reason I (barely) survived the winter. That's why the temptation of a potential relationship was so strong. As I said, they'll pounce when you're down...

 

Yet, I still feel I'm vilifying someone who may not be deserving of it, necessarily. I think he's just a shy guy who is a bit socially awkward... I didn't want to hurt him. I just didn't know how to handle him.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, I don't think you should have deleted your FB entirely because that isn't very mature. You should have just told him you need to keep correspondence with him to a minimum right now, like once or twice a week. Make your boundaries clear.

 

Sounds like this guy has put you up on a pedestal you probably don't deserve to be on (that's no offense to you....I just mean he has built up a "you" in his mind that may not be accurate), and it's from his own loneliness. He's not asking questions about you because his priority is not you....it's getting HIS needs fulfilled and he mistakenly thinks you can make him whole. That's way too much pressure on you and doesn't make for a good relationship partner.

[Chilli]

I have no one. My family is dysfunctional and toxic, any friend I thought I had before I got sick disappeared, and it's hard to make friends with your neighbors when anxiety has made you agoraphobic and you can't leave the house. Plus everyone is so busy... 'help thy neighbor' doesn't apply in this day and age... unless you can pay them. At least I'm able to leave the house now. But still not well enough to go back to work.

 

But you're right. When I'm better I must expand my horizons. It was scarier than heck when I got seriously ill and realized I was completely on my own when I literally couldn't leave the house at all. A dose of pills with the bottle always in my pocket was the only reason I (barely) survived the winter. That's why the temptation of a potential relationship was so strong. As I said, they'll pounce when you're down...

 

Yet, I still feel I'm vilifying someone who may not be deserving of it, necessarily. I think he's just a shy guy who is a bit socially awkward... I didn't want to hurt him. I just didn't know how to handle him.

 

 

Hi fair.

Yep found all the same things at my lowest point , yet l have 11 brothers and sisters, go figure. The few that did "sorta", help, only threw it back in my face 10 fold later on. Friends , forget it.

People are so fkd up.

 

l dunno about the guy . Same small town he might've had a crush on you for years and years but never approached you.

He could be just awkward like your thinking or be a bit hold backish asking you things , a bit shy or not wanting to intrude , be pushy, l dunno.

Sounds more a long those lines to me too but hard to say.

You could just try the dinner if your game , or what about just a few calls for awhile , one call even would tell you a lot but still from a safe distance first.

Could always block him later if it was suss.

 

Just thoughts.

Edited May 18, 2018 by Chilli

[coolheadal]

I have no one. My family is dysfunctional and toxic, any friend I thought I had before I got sick disappeared, and it's hard to make friends with your neighbors when anxiety has made you agoraphobic and you can't leave the house. Plus everyone is so busy... 'help thy neighbor' doesn't apply in this day and age... unless you can pay them. At least I'm able to leave the house now. But still not well enough to go back to work.

 

But you're right. When I'm better I must expand my horizons. It was scarier than heck when I got seriously ill and realized I was completely on my own when I literally couldn't leave the house at all. A dose of pills with the bottle always in my pocket was the only reason I (barely) survived the winter. That's why the temptation of a potential relationship was so strong. As I said, they'll pounce when you're down...

 

Yet, I still feel I'm vilifying someone who may not be deserving of it, necessarily. I think he's just a shy guy who is a bit socially awkward... I didn't want to hurt him. I just didn't know how to handle him.

 

At times I could relate to your life too.. But in all you can't date someone like him and great you don't want to hurt him either. But to handle it just just don't. Just say your not ready to be with anyone like him right now. Just have to leave me alone because that's what I want right now. To take care of my life and my battles ahead on my own!