My BF is very particular

[Lovelost77]

My BF and I have been dating for 6 months. He is 8 years older than me. Everything started off great. It moved quickly though. He asked me to be his GF after 2 weeks of dating and right after that he said he loved me. I waited until I knew I did before I said it back. He bought me alot of gifts and sent flowers to my work. He is very cuddly and sweet. I have met his parents, who love me and I am developing a relationship with his son who he has on the weekends.

 

Over the past few months things have changed a bit. He is very particular about planning and about the way he likes things done. He gets upset with me if things are not done the way he envisioned or if I do something to accidentally hurt him because I can be clumsy at times. He also gets really upset if I move too slow he has told me I need to move fast and be right there ready to help him he snapped his fingers when telling me this.

 

A few examples: I was brushing my teeth one day and he asked me to come out of the bathroom so I was rushed and he saw water on the sink and got really upset. He also got mad at me because I told him I would be at his house after work around 6:45. I didn't get there until 7:30 because I had to pick up dog food for my dog. I text him this prior to coming over so he would be informed I was going to be a little late. When I got to his house he told me he was upset because I lied and I should have picked up the food a different time. He said I made a commitment and I broke it. He went on for a while and I apologized. Another example is we were playing basketball (with his son) and I was guarding my BF when he went to shoot I jumped up and accidentally hit his tooth. He was very upset and said I am always accidentally hurting him and it is not ok. There are many instances of me making "mistakes" or not doing things right and him having to correct me.

 

Last night he stated that he feels like the way we communicate now is him giving me instructions. He feels like I do not listen to how he wants things done. He said he doesn't want to repeat himself and he wants me to be logical about how I do things. He said he hates it when I accidentally hurt him and that is shouldn't be happening. I told him I will try to do better. This morning he told me I needed to do something a specific way. I told him ok no problem. After that he was happy and very sweet so its hard for me to understand if he is mad or not.

 

Our relationship didn't start off like this but it seems like there is always something I am not doing right. I feel like a horrible girlfriend and like I am failing because I cant figure out how to do the things he needs from me the right way. I feel like its my fault but I also feel like he wants me to know how to do things the way he does but I am a different person. If i ever buck back about it he gets really defensive and angry so I just agree and try to do better. I know this all sounds bad but I do love him and I want to make it work. He is not like that all the time just things set him off.

 

any advice? Thanks

[anduina]

If he's starting to isolate you from family and friends, he'd be a posterchild for abusive boyfriend. He's not your father and you're not a child to be molded into a stepford girlfriend. It's time to get rid of him before you lose your identity by losing confidence in yourself.

[Terry8889]

This one doesnt sound good at all. He sounds like a control freak, and basically treating you like a child. He might think he has the authority to tell you what to do and how to do things because you're younger. Don't let him treat you like that. If this is how he treating while you are still dating, I can't imagine how things will be if you guys get married. Imagine how miserable your life would be. I am assuming you fell for him bc of how he is when he's not mad. In my opinion you should run for the hills before it's too late.

[Sco]

It's an open and shut case, he's abusing you mentally and will soon switch to physical. I agree with the other 2 posters, this is not good. He's clearly treating you like a child, not as an equal. I don't think this is going to work. There are too many red flags, and I'd advise you not to ignore them.

 

He shows you who he is now, a control freak, so he's setting it up for you to take it or leave it. It's up to you to succumb cause he won't change for you. Love is blind but you best bail now before you get too attached or too invested. You don't need this.

 

Good luck

[preraph]

He's a control freak. Why on earth should you do things the way he wants? He's putting himself in a parental position and you being the child he gets to boss around. That won't work. It's a sex killer all around. He's a tyrant. He was on good behavior at first to win you, but now he thinks he's got you, he's showing what he's really like. This is the real him, not the one he charmed you with in the beginning.

 

If he's this bold about bossing you around, it's probably a waste of time to just tell him "no" and get into a big fight about it. So you should probably just bail. But you need to not stay there and let him control you like this and ask ridiculous things of you. This bull about him acting like you hurt him on purpose is just a way to get more control over you, guilt you into thinking YOU'RE the crazy one who's at fault. That's all it is.

[Chilli]

l dunno , l keep thinking nazi camp.

That's a private joke me and ex use to call the way she did things , even she admitted she was a nazi camp.

but hey she was also 10x more fun and stimulating and personality than most chicks so there were things , yaknow.

 

But l dunno , you sound like you guys are missing all that and are just left with the nazi living .

You could try stirring him up and kidden around about his ways l use to give ex heaps about hers or put my fiit down no way l'm doin that shyt and we'd often end up laughing about them .

But we had a really fun and lively relationship so that sorta worked and she was also open enough to often laugh at her own ways .

 

sorry to say though but it sounds like you guys are missing all the good stuff and your just stuck with the nazi camp. You could try stuff l've said there, try and lighten him the hell up a bit , it might work and cut it back a lot though he doesn't sound like he has much of a sense of humor so l dunno.

Point is though you've gotta feel relaxed and fun and happy in your life together , it's wrong to be so in edge and demanded on 24 7.

 

kf you can't lighten him up , and he needs a lot if it, your gonna have to decide and choose .

 

Good luck.

[S2B]

Advice? Ya, RUN!!!

 

A controlling person is gonna kill your spirit.

[PegNosePete]

You're not a horrible girlfriend. He is a horrible boyfriend. He is controlling, manipulative and unreasonable. These behaviours will only get worse as time goes on. This is exactly how abusive relationships begin! It starts with stuff like this then moves on to isolation, gaslighting, verbal and eventually physical abuse.

 

You should get out now while it is relatively easy and before you've been exposed to abuse and potentially mentally damaged for life!

[act00]

The real man has emerged and it's not pretty. This guy is controlling and dare I say, possibly abusive. This can only escalate. We're not talking about making a few minor compromises to make a partner happy, but rather him dictating, judging, criticizing, and having impossible expectations. You won't see this improve. You can discuss with him that he needs to knock it off, but you may find he changes briefly, but then ramps up the dictatorship and always reverts back. He could even get physical when you start calling him on his behavior. I think you need to consider ending this relationship.

[MaleIntuition]

The thing I will never understand is how women keeps judging men based on how frequently they are bought gifts. Anyway...

 

He sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. Red flags:

- Criticism of small things. Hurting you while playing basketball? Is he 11?

- Conditional attraction; “I only love you when you behave like I want”

- Making you feel guilty for nothing/using guilt as a tool.

++

[BaileyB]

Bye, bye, bye...

 

He sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. There is no way that I would ever want to be in a relationship with a man who feels he has the right to instruct me how to do things, and then gets upset because I'm not listening...

 

Watch the movie - sleeping with the enemy.

 

"He's not like that all the time..." That's the cycle of abuse. If he was abusive all the time, you would never stay. So, he is sweet sometimes, particularly when you promise to do what he wants, and this keeps you engaged in the relationship.

 

No way, no how. Run.

Edited May 16, 2018 by BaileyB

[BluEyeL]

He is abusive and he will escalate over time. It's time to be strong and break up. In hindsight you'll see how right this move was. There is nothing to "work out". He will not change, this is who he is and he'll only get worse ! Then it'll be even harder to leave and the damage will be much bigger.

[JuneL]

Leave this controlling man as soon as possible. Encourage him to get into anger management for his son’s sake.

[Lorenza]

He's not your dad.

You don't have to do things his way.

His isn't the correct way of doing things.

You two should be equal without anyone dictating the rules.

Stop apologizing, you haven't done anything wrong.

Stop telling him you will change - you are who you are.

He doesn't love you.

 

I've dated someone exactly like him. My ex used to tell me I need to step it up and do what he tells me. He would also get very happy after me promising I will try.

After one year he got psychologically abusive, telling me straight out I will never be good enough. He dumped me in a nasty way.

 

So...please get rid of this prick.

[anika99]

Your boyfriend is controlling and emotionally abusive. It only gets worse.

 

Guys like him are a dime a dozen. I've had one just like him. Your story is not special or unique. Your story is a textbook description of most controlling/abusive relationships. Even the whirlwind romance of the controller coming on strong and fast in the beginning of the courtship is classic. The "but he's wonderful most of the time" is also typical.

 

You feel like a horrible gf because you can't figure out how to do the things he needs the right way? Why is his way the right way? You're not a child. It's not his place to correct you or to expect you to attend to every detail just as he would. He does not respect you as an individual. He is treating you like a possession or an object that exists to please him. Water on the sink? He needed to lecture you about that?

 

Stay with this guy and you will slowly be destroyed. He will eventually tear down your self-esteem and self worth so much that you won't know how to leave. You will be too dependent on him to dictate your every decision and action. Or leave him now, feel the hurt of a failed relationship, then move on to a happier freer life. The choice is yours.

[Chilli]

Sorry l edited and fixed that post but it didn't go through.

Thing is though he is obviously a lot more serious about his perfectionism than ex was. lt's a totally different scenario to the point where that seems all the relationship is and it's effecting who you are and self belief.

And that's all wrong , it's unhealthy for you and miserable and yeah l do agree sorry, l think he'll only get worse.

[vintagemango]

Giving you instructions and then getting upset when you make a mistake? I hate to tell you this but your boyfriend sounds very emotionally abusive. The moving fast, intense feelings off the bat seemee like a red flag to me. You shouldn't have to put up with that at all. I had a friend who was in an emotionally abusive relationship and the last straw for her was when she and her then partner went kayaking which she had never done before. She made a "mistake" and he started yelling at her and called her stupid. She broke up with him immediately. Get out while you can and stay safe.

[Els]

Seems like he's showing you his true colors - and they're pretty damn ugly. No question what you should do, end it ASAP and block him.

 

The real question is, why would you even THINK that the problem lies with you?

[d0nnivain]

That is way beyond picky. It is controlling & mean spirited