Lukewarm feelings. Can it change?

[Lorenza]

He's a good guy. A truly, genuinely good guy and a balanced person in general. A giver, a helper, a problem solver. And he's so into me. He has helped me so much already and keeps on helping whenever I need (and even when I don't), puts a huge amount of effort into this...well, it's not a relationship, not even close. Let me give you some details.

 

This guy saw me on Tinder and since we didn't match, tracked me down on Facebook. We started talking. I was visiting my home country and spending time with my family, I said I couldn't meet him. He suggested to meet in my country of residence and so we did (no, he didn't stay at my place). The meeting went well, he brought me a little gift which I thought was slightly too much, but sweet anyway. However I got a little bit overwhelmed and backed out of some plans. It ended up with us handing out on a Friday night and Saturday morning, but then I told him I'm too tired to do something on Saturday night and on Sunday. He flew back home after the weekend.

 

This was back in January.

 

Some weeks later I told him that I didn't feel the connection and that he's going a bit too fast (he seemed really in love with me), so we stopped talking for a while. I thought it's done for good. But somehow we started taking again at the end of February. That was when he volunteered to help me with some things. I felt thankful, so I thought I should at least give him one more chance.

 

He insisted on solving pretty much every little problem of mine. I was missing my family but didn't have the money to go visit them, so he bought me tickets to go to my home country. Met me at the airport with flowers, had food for me in the car, some small presents. He drove me home and I felt like I should of course invite him for a tea, which resulted in him meeting my mom. My mom was completely charmed by him.

When my weekend getaway was over, he drove me back to the airport. We kept on chatting.

 

Recently he visited me in my country of residence again and we spent a weekend having fun with my friends.

He insisted on fixing some of the stuff I had broken. Bought a lot of stuff. Helped me out with carrying some heavy things.

But the thing is, he's very quiet, even with me. We have things to chat about, but we're really quiet when we're on our own. If he speaks, he speaks very softly and I have it hard to understand. He uses expressions and references from his own life that I completely don't understand. I don't find his sense of humour very funny.

 

But then again, my friend said he seems like he's very afraid to do something wrong and might be a bit restrained because of that. He didn't speak much with my friends but helped me a lot with serving them. When we sat down he mostly listened and smiled.

 

We're still on platonic level. Mostly because I have it hard to fall for a guy I can hardly understand. My type is the one that talks and laughs loudly and I can't connect to his silent subservience. He's not unattractive, looks good, has a nice smile and there's nothing wrong with him physically at all, except for one thing - his breath is really bad (might be why he talks so little?). When we sit next to each other, I have to turn my head away, for real.

 

So these things are what's keeping me from liking him more. It's incredible how hard it is for me to understand his meaning, knowing that we have the same mothertongue.

The soft, silent way of speaking, the quietness (though could be because he's not himself yet), the bad breath and weird way of expressing thought (plus some dad-jokes that I don't find funny). But he's such a great guy and I feel like I'll never find someone who likes me this much and does so much for me ever again. I've been with such a-holes before, who belittled, manipulated, put little to no effort etc.

Maybe my lukewarm feelings could grow over time?

[Els]

Bad breath in and of itself can be fixed, but it sounds like you have your mind made up about his attractiveness to you. And there's nothing wrong with that, but you shouldn't be stringing him along. Let him go.

 

Feelings can grow over time, but they need to start out with attraction to begin with, and grow into something deeper over time. Your feelings for him aren't even "lukewarm", they're room temperature at best, possibly even chillier! It wouldn't be fair to him to get into a relationship with him in this case.

[FilterCoffee]

Lorenza and Els, SO NICE TO SEE YOU GIRLS AGAIN!

 

This is the guy you’re talking about right? Just to remind you this is what you said about him in January:

Oh yeah, he seems to be the romantic type. Too bad nothing about him wakes any romantic feelings in me.

I mean I think it’s sweet that you’re giving this guy another chance but after 5 months if nothing has changed I doubt it’ll change later, unless of course you’re willing to settle for something suboptimal. I think you’re feeling guilty for not liking him when he’s done so much for you.

[Lorenza]

Bad breath in and of itself can be fixed, but it sounds like you have your mind made up about his attractiveness to you. And there's nothing wrong with that, but you shouldn't be stringing him along. Let him go.

 

Feelings can grow over time, but they need to start out with attraction to begin with, and grow into something deeper over time. Your feelings for him aren't even "lukewarm", they're room temperature at best, possibly even chillier! It wouldn't be fair to him to get into a relationship with him in this case.

 

I'm not completely cold, it's just hard not to sound like that while trying to describe the situation as accurately as possible. I'm not pretending however - never send him any romatic type of messages or trying to lead him on. We met at three different times in reality. I'm thinking maybe it's possible to grow feelings after we meet more frequently? Some people have hidden colors and it's impossible to find out about them through Facebook chat or few meetings (especially if he's shy)

[Lorenza]

Lorenza and Els, SO NICE TO SEE YOU GIRLS AGAIN!

 

This is the guy you’re talking about right? Just to remind you this is what you said about him in January:

 

I mean I think it’s sweet that you’re giving this guy another chance but after 5 months if nothing has changed I doubt it’ll change later, unless of course you’re willing to settle for something suboptimal. I think you’re feeling guilty for not liking him when he’s done so much for you.

 

Nice to see you too good to see the forum back on track again, just not sure for how long Hehe

 

I definitely like him more than back in January. Back then I was quite indifferent. Right now I think I care somehow

[FilterCoffee]

I bet you’re going to forget about this guy when a more attractive alternative comes along!

[smackie9]

Fondness and lust are two different things. If you don't feel lust by now, it's not going to happen. Just because someone looks good on paper doesn't mean they are going to curl your toes and make you feel like you are on cloud nine. I tried dating someone in hopes that some feelings will happen...they didn't and to this day almost 40 years later still nothing.

[Lorenza]

Fondness and lust are two different things. If you don't feel lust by now, it's not going to happen. Just because someone looks good on paper doesn't mean they are going to curl your toes and make you feel like you are on cloud nine. I tried dating someone in hopes that some feelings will happen...they didn't and to this day almost 40 years later still nothing.

 

Maybe you don't have to feel like on cloud nine? My first and longest relationship with a very good, decent person started off with me being just slightly attracted to him. We were friends for 1 year

[preraph]

Sounds like he's kind of inexperienced and so he's making some wrong moves and is a little desperate and going overboard.

 

Look, the thing is, if it doesn't feel right, don't do it. It's not healthy when someone overdoes everything. Why it's not healthy is it's usually because they are going at it as if you are the ideal woman in their head that doesn't really exist. They assume that and expect you to live up to that. Things go south when you don't. And no one does.

 

He can't be in love with you because he doesn't even know you well enough to know he's making you uncomfortable, right? So who's he in love with? Someone in his imagination he's projecting onto you. He'll likely cross some boundaries soon that will make you more uncomfortable because he's a little deluded.

 

If you're uncomfortable, break it off. If you're only a little unsettled, see how it goes for a few weeks, but be who you really are. Don't try to not rock the boat. Make him see who you really are and see if he's still the same or not. Good luck.

[vintagemango]

I can only speak from my experience but I've found feelings can most definitely change. I felt somewhat "lukewarm" towards my current partner when we first started dating. I can chalk it up to being used to dealing with emotionally unavailable men and being put off by how easy things were with him from the start if that makes any sense. Eventually I realized how dumb it was to close myself off to him just cause I'm used to dating jerks and I found myself falling for him. However in your case, it seems to be more based on a lack of attraction or compatibility imo. Sometimes people need time to sort through their feelings but if you're not sure of this guy by now, end things spare him the pain. I also know how it feels like to be on the other side of this situation and it's not fun to have someone keep you dangling like that.

[coolheadal]

Some weeks later I told him that I didn't feel the connection and that he's going a bit too fast (he seemed really in love with me), so we stopped talking for a while. I thought it's done for good. But somehow we started taking again at the end of February. That was when he volunteered to help me with some things. I felt thankful, so I thought I should at least give him one more chance.

 

He insisted on solving pretty much every little problem of mine. I was missing my family but didn't have the money to go visit them, so he bought me tickets to go to my home country. Met me at the airport with flowers, had food for me in the car, some small presents. He drove me home and I felt like I should of course invite him for a tea, which resulted in him meeting my mom. My mom was completely charmed by him.

When my weekend getaway was over, he drove me back to the airport. We kept on chatting.

 

I see you had doubts and he has tried to convince you otherwise. Met your mom and your mom like him. But in the end you have to decide is he a keeper or just a dud?

 

I always give women a chance to get to know me, and soon I find out their colors are not a match for me. They're issues are worst than what they said to me. I feel like it's a toss-up.. Do you have feelings or love for him or do you just like each other only. No love, no in love yet. When you get to the in love part then you know he's a keeper.

 

Stage #1 Like

Stage #2 Love

Stage #3 In Love

 

Which stage are you feeling right now. None they you just have a friend. If you have stage #2 then might have a chance to go to Stage #3 and beyond.

We can't tell you how to feel since that's up to you. He might be shy or just don't know what to do too please you. No my should please a woman where he looses his personality and drops his life for your life. What I mean is he needs to stand tall and be the man of your dreams or you would be his woman of his dreams.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't think these feelings will be overcome.

 

Most women meet several "great on paper" options they're just not into romantically. Come to think of it, I'm sure men do, too. It's kind of agonizing to turn down a guy like this, but some people just aren't cut out for settling into a practical arrangement that doesn't fire them up. It might make life a lot easier in some ways, but for me it feels all wrong.

 

Just listen to your intuition and it will tell you clearly if this is right for you or not.

[Lorenza]

I don't think these feelings will be overcome.

 

Most women meet several "great on paper" options they're just not into romantically. Come to think of it, I'm sure men do, too. It's kind of agonizing to turn down a guy like this, but some people just aren't cut out for settling into a practical arrangement that doesn't fire them up. It might make life a lot easier in some ways, but for me it feels all wrong.

 

Just listen to your intuition and it will tell you clearly if this is right for you or not.

 

Yes, it really is agonizing, because I think my life would be so much easier with someone so uncomplicated, giving and kind. But it's so hard with that silence, soft speaking, adoration, poetic expressions... I want to laugh, talk nonsense, play-wrestle. But at the same time he's so so good to me. And he isn't bad looking, our pictures together look really nice :/

[Adam80]

If the feelings haven't changed after all these months then it's not likely to change anytime soon.

[coolheadal]

Yes, it really is agonizing, because I think my life would be so much easier with someone so uncomplicated, giving and kind. But it's so hard with that silence, soft speaking, adoration, poetic expressions... I want to laugh, talk nonsense, play-wrestle. But at the same time he's so so good to me. And he isn't bad looking, our pictures together look really nice :/

 

Yeah but you said it all in this reply. Both of you are not cut out for each other. You do not click, not on the same page. Your strong minded where he's hopeless romantic. You want to laugh at that right. But you two can remain friends only in this case. He will find someone else that has welcome what he has to offer.