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Tell me i'm not crazy...or maybe i am, i don't know.


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Sorry for the long first post...

 

Just some quick info.

I'll be 30 in June, she'll be 33 in December

We've been together 2 years 4 months consistently.

She has a 9 year old daughter.

We don't live together.

 

Yesterday was Mother's day. I woke up about 9:30am went to my mothers house to give her a present and spend some time with her. After i was finished (about 2:30/3pm) as i'm leaving to go home i call my SO to see what she was doing and if she had any plans in the afternoon about 7ish for us to spend some time together since shes is also a mother as well. She wasn't busy so i said ok, come over i'm going to cook you a Mother's day dinner.

 

I don't enjoy cooking, nor do i cook to this level frequently, but for her on Mothers day, ok. So go get propane for the grill, her favorite wine, dessert, and i make her her favorite meal which she loves when i do make it. I spent about 2 hours or so prepping the meat and all the ingredients for the dinner.

She arrives just on time and dinner is ready and served. We ate, had some wine, and watched 3 episode of one of her favorite shows i keep recorded on my DVR.

 

After the night was over, she went home. 30 minutes later...i get this message.

 

"Baby, I donÂ’t want to sound like IÂ’m ungrateful or spoiled, but I was a little disappointed that you didnÂ’t get me flowers or a card or a little present for MotherÂ’s Day. IÂ’m very thankful for the dinner you made me donÂ’t get me wrong. I as a woman enjoy little details like flowers or cards or little presents(yes it sounds stupid but itÂ’s not for me). I know you are going to take this the wrong way, but I rather tell you how I feel. Today I had a sad morning because I felt that everyone got flowers and stuff except me and then I had hope that you probably got me flowers or a card or a little something. ?"

 

Now, before i even got upset, i checked myself. I'm not the most sensitive guy out there so i thought..."Maybe i messed up. Maybe cooking her her favorite meal wasn't the right thing to do" So i call my Best friend who's a little more sensitive sometimes in regards to womens emotions and feelings. I explained the situation to him and he thought the same thing i thought..."WTF?!?!?". We had a long discussion about it which pretty much came to the conclusion that the way i'm feeling right now isn't an overreaction (at least to us).

 

I haven't spoken to her about it (or to her at all since Sunday) yet, because i'm seriously feeling (and have been for some time) underappreciated and a bit upset. This isn't the first time either.

 

V-Day 2017, she's never been to i-Pic (upscale full service movie theater), so i thought it'll be a nice date, movie, good food, drinks, It was a $200 night. No problem...except i didn't get her a "gift" (I got her a card). Right to my face when i took her home she said it to me. Couldn't believe it.

 

V-day 2018...she was really busy with work and studying so she said lets celebrate 1 week after (she had some test to study for). I said ok no problem, BUT on V-Day i still hot her a card and some flowers. She got me nothing to this day.

 

 

What do you guys think? I'd be interested to know how some other women think out there. Like dinner wasn't enough? I almost feel like moving forward it's just gonna be card, flowers, small gift, otherwise...it's not going to be enough in her eyes. I guess i'm different. What really got me from her text was the "Today I had a sad morning because I felt that everyone got flowers and stuff except me". I dont have a problem with card, flowers, small gift, but it seems so cliche, like a cop out. If i have the opportunity to do something different, something other than what everyone else does, i'd rather do that. I honestly dont even know what to think anymore. I'm gonna be second guessing everything i do or present to her now.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my venting.

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Well, not saying you're wrong or that she is wrong. From her perspective, she wants the tangible thing to show her friends and family. Realize women all ask each other, "What did you get for ____?" It sounds like has bought into that, of course. I would say dispense with the cooking and thoughtful stuff if what she wants is a card and gift. I somehow wonder if she really only wants a card and small gift though, or flowers, but she said she did, so if you do, she can't do anything without making herself look greedy like, I want a bigger gift, in which case, cut bait and run. More more more, who needs it.

 

But if that's what she wants, as long as you leave yourself a calendar reminder to order something small online early enough to get there in time and have them wrap it, it isn't too much trouble. What's a lot of trouble is waiting until the last minute. It doesn't sound like you're strapped for cash, so get her a little silver bangle for her wrist or a charm bracelet or a little necklace from Penneys or somewhere with a semiprecious stone. Or give her a card and a gift certificate once in awhile.

 

If she still complains, you'll have to reconsider the relationship. Her not giving you anything on Valentine's says clearly she thinks it's the woman who gets the gifts, so since this rightfully bothers you, since she was honest with you, time to be honest with her. Tell her, Hon, I didn't think you placed much value on giving things since you never gift ME on Valentine's. Tell her what you would like. Once you are both informed and going with that plan, see if it goes smoother. If it doesn't, she may be really greedy. But just telling you a card, flowers, small gift is hopefully just honest. Only one way to find out. Good luck.

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Most women would like flowers, chocolates and/or a little gift and yes it’s mostly to be able to tell other women what their SO did for them on a “special “ day.

 

My husband didn’t get me anything on mother’s day and I would never say anything but yes I was disappointed. I didn’t want to feel that way but I did. I just didn’t show it. So the difference is that she told you. I think of the guy didn’t think to buy flowers in his own initiative there is no point in telling him so he can do it as a chore . Instead, it’s better to appreciate the love they give in the way they know how to and let go of the flowers expectation.

 

I really don’t think this is worth breaking your relationship over though.

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She told you she wants flowers - who cares if it's cliche. It's what she wants. Get her flowers. If she's upset that you only gave her flowers, then you worry more...it's never good enough. I mean, she's telling you what she wants...pay attention to these things. I hope she appreciates the other really nice things you do as well. The thing is, Mother's Day is not just any day, and while the dinner was certainly nice, add some flowers.

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amaysngrace

You aren't her child or the father of her child. She should be lucky you did all that you did do for her.

 

She sounds very ungrateful and not a nice person and just a complainer in general. She really didn't get you anything for Valentine's Day? Not even a blowie? :(

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Thanks everyone. Not going to end a relationship over this, but flowers, card, gift it will be moving forward.

 

These incidents just really kill my drive to do something different. I guess i'm a different breed. I dont expect anything from anyone, so anytime anyone goes out of their way to do something they feel i will like or make me happy, i'm very much appreciative of it. If i'm unhappy about it, complaining about it just isn't something i would do. Especially not for the sake of showing off or impressing my friends or family with tangible things. That's absurd to me really. Maybe if i didn't do anything at all, i could see the ask warranted.

 

Anyway. We'll see where it goes from here...

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Romantic_Antics

I'm a guy who loves giving flowers, cards, and little random gifts to make a girlfriend feel loved and special. It does strike me as odd that you didn't think to at least get her a card, especially after buying a present for your own mother. If your gf is aware of that fact it was very likely a contributing factor to her feeling hurt.

 

Her failure to buy you anything for Valentine's Day was most likely punishment. It's petty, but you're also not giving her what she needs/wants, which are the little things to make her feel special. She will eventually leave you for somebody who will so you have to decide if she's worth it enough to start paying attention to what she's telling you and act on it. If you think she is, go buy her a dozen roses and a card, give it to her in person, and tell her that this is for all of the times you didn't make her feel special enough.

 

You haven't done anything "wrong", per se, but the devil is in the details, man, and sometimes several little things can mean as much or more to a woman than one big thing. Never forget that. I love giving little things, like flowers and such, because they are always worth the reaction, the smile, or even the tears of happiness. If you truly love a woman you'll come to love the gift of giving too. Dinners and dates are great, but surprise her once in awhile with flowers, cards, or a gift and watch what happens.

 

Good luck!

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whichwayisup

She has to lower her expectations and just enjoy the little things that you've done for her! Hey cooking her favourite meal was fantastic, picking up a bottle of wine too.

 

So her child didn't make her a card or give her flowers? Usually a young kid makes one with the help of their teacher at school, something arty etc..

 

Anyway, now you know for next year to give her flowers!

 

You should tell her how you feel, and for her to openly discuss this face to face and not in an email or text. Feelings can be hurt more easily through email as you don't know the mood of the writing. Also, let her know that she didn't get anything for you 2 Vday's either so she has to consider your feelings as well.

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Perhaps next year get her a card, flowers, a small gift, and do absolutely nothing else for her.

 

To me what really stands out here is the "I felt that everyone got flowers and stuff except me". Anyone who thinks like that, constantly comparing their situation to others who they perceive as better off in any way... well that's just a recipe for unhappiness. If you're not careful it could morph into 'everyone gets regular spa weekends except me', 'everyone gets luxury cruises except me'. There are always people better off than yourself with whom you can compare and feel sorry for yourself. It's a really unhealthy attitude to have.

 

How about she compares herself to the starving and homeless, or the countless thousands of past humans who weren't lucky enough to be born in the modern age of plenty?

 

Be grateful for what you have.

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Happy Lemming

Why didn't the father of the 9 year old, sit the child down with crayons and construction paper (or other craft supplies) and assist the 9 year old in making something for her mother??

 

This woman is NOT your mother and you are not the father of the 9 year old child.

 

You showed both caring and respect to YOUR mother, which is what Mother's day is about, in my opinion.

 

Personally, I'm getting sick of my own long term relationship being so one-sided. I try very hard and give and give and give and get nothing but complaints in return. It seems you are in the same boat, as me.

 

Just my two cents...

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I agree that you should give her flowers with a card, and a small gift for Valentine’s Day, and scale back on other thoughtful stuff (since she prefers the former). You mentioned that she gave you nothing for 2018 V-Day, what about 2017 V-Day? Does she do thoughtful things for you on other special occasions?

 

As for Mother’s Day, I’d like to echo the sentiment expressed by a couple of posters that it’s more the job of her kid and the father (if they are on good terms).

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Given that you aren't her child's father, the two of you aren't married, and the two of you don't live together, I think what you did for her was more than sufficient.

 

However, now you know that she would prefer a card and flowers over dinner and wine, so it sounds like from a financial perspective you will come out ahead on future holidays like this.

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Perhaps next year get her a card, flowers, a small gift, and do absolutely nothing else for her.

 

To me what really stands out here is the "I felt that everyone got flowers and stuff except me". Anyone who thinks like that, constantly comparing their situation to others who they perceive as better off in any way... well that's just a recipe for unhappiness. If you're not careful it could morph into 'everyone gets regular spa weekends except me', 'everyone gets luxury cruises except me'. There are always people better off than yourself with whom you can compare and feel sorry for yourself. It's a really unhealthy attitude to have.

 

How about she compares herself to the starving and homeless, or the countless thousands of past humans who weren't lucky enough to be born in the modern age of plenty?

 

Be grateful for what you have.

 

That also stood out to me as well and i feel exactly the same as you in this regard.

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Why didn't the father of the 9 year old, sit the child down with crayons and construction paper (or other craft supplies) and assist the 9 year old in making something for her mother??

 

This woman is NOT your mother and you are not the father of the 9 year old child.

 

You showed both caring and respect to YOUR mother, which is what Mother's day is about, in my opinion.

 

Personally, I'm getting sick of my own long term relationship being so one-sided. I try very hard and give and give and give and get nothing but complaints in return. It seems you are in the same boat, as me.

 

Just my two cents...

 

I'm not so sure what, if anything the Father/Daughter did for her. She did not mention anything of the sort to me. Also, i know her relationship with the father is pretty much nonexistent. He is in his daughters life, but my SO and him don't speak unless for their daughter. I also know that her daughter has been with her this week and last, so the chances of him and his daughter doing something for mom is slim to none. But, her daughter is sweet and i'm almost 100% positive that she would on her own, make a card for her mom.

 

I have felt our relationship is one sided for awhile. I've spoke to her about it. Haven't really seen an improvement. Separate events have lead me to this feeling all together, not just these singular scenarios i mentioned here.

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I agree that you should give her flowers with a card, and a small gift for ValentineÂ’s Day, and scale back on other thoughtful stuff (since she prefers the former). You mentioned that she gave you nothing for 2018 V-Day, what about 2017 V-Day? Does she do thoughtful things for you on other special occasions?

 

As for MotherÂ’s Day, IÂ’d like to echo the sentiment expressed by a couple of posters that itÂ’s more the job of her kid and the father (if they are on good terms).

 

So, since this has been bothering me since Sunday i questioned myself on what i actually did last year....so i looked it up with the powers of social media. I did more than i even mentioned here.

 

2017 V-day:

Sent bouquet to her job with chocolates and card. Later that evening took her out to iPic for movies, dinner, drinks as mentioned before. At the end of the night, i took her home and in my truck she gave me my present. Replacement sunglasses i lost earlier that year boating. I was extremely grateful since i live in Florida and pretty much wear sunglasses full time when outside.

Before i got home i received a message similar to the one in the OP, except that she was disappointed that she didnt get a "gift".

 

2017 Mothers day: Card, flowers, dinner, pandora bracelet charm. I dont recall any issues there.

 

2018 V-day:

She was busy and told me specifically that she wanted to celebrate one week later after her exams. I said ok. Still got card, flowers, wine, and we just relaxed at my place. She got me nothing. I dont make a big deal of these things, so it wasn't made into an issue.

 

2018 Mothers day:

Read original post.

 

 

"Does she do thoughtful things for you on other special occasions?"

The only special occasions year round for me are my birthday, which is in exactly 1 month from today, in which i haven't heard of anything being planned. Which is fine, since i'm perfectly ok planning my own birthday events, and Christmas.

These days, i get card, dinner, small gifts, and i'm perfectly fine with this. The things i generally "want" tend to align with my hobbies, which might be expensive in nature, so i dont expect my SO to buy those for me. I can't imagine even saying..."Baby, the cologne you got me was great, i appreciated it but i really wanted that $800 camera lens."

 

She has hinted to me that she wants the new Apple watch. I already planned to get it for B-Day or Christmas. But...What if i just can't afford it when that time rolls around? I'm almost feeling obligated to get it now as anything else wouldn't be sufficient. And i honestly feel it's because, some of the women in her family have one and they seem to be competitive in that nature. However, i'm very financially responsible, so if it's not in the budget at the time for whatever reason, then it's just not happening.

 

"As for MotherÂ’s Day, IÂ’d like to echo the sentiment expressed by a couple of posters that itÂ’s more the job of her kid and the father (if they are on good terms)"

As for this comment, and others like it...It didn't cross my mind on mothers day, nor did i feel obligated to do something. But now, looking back after feeling unappreciated for my efforts...I'll agree. Mother's day, is for MY Mother. I went and spent time with my Mother, because that's what Mother's day is about. It isn't Girlfriend Day. While i might sound like a dick, it's the truth. However...i recognize that my SO is also a mother, so i extend some of the time and effort to her because i care about her.

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Given that you aren't her child's father, the two of you aren't married, and the two of you don't live together, I think what you did for her was more than sufficient.

 

However, now you know that she would prefer a card and flowers over dinner and wine, so it sounds like from a financial perspective you will come out ahead on future holidays like this.

 

 

Now that she's told me, that's what i'll give. I dont have a problem with that. In fact, flowers, card, gift, is easier and quicker.

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I just want to thank everyone who read (i know it's a lot) as well as those who left comments. Really appreciate your time.

 

Not too often i take the time to think about my relationship in its entirety. But this Mother's Day thing has sparked the need for some reflection. I'm really contemplating ending it. Not for the sole reason in this post, but a culmination of previous issue and scenarios we've had. Whether they be my fault or hers, the relationship just seems to be getting toxic.

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MadJackBird

I'd suggest reading the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Maybe even read it together if this is a relationship you want to invest in. The book surmises that everyone has a different love language that they communicate with to show or recieve how they are best loved. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch. Your SO may have a love language of Receiving gifts, and you may have Quality Time or Acts of Service. So for you to spend some time with her and fix her a nice meal (That you don't even enjoy cooking) was the way to say "I love you" But for her she would have felt love with a gift, even something simple as flowers.

 

Now everyone is probably on the continuum with these love languages, but if her primary one is gifts then you should remember that and try to shower her with gifts to show you love her. Conversely if your's is acts of service or quality time she should appreciate when you show her love in that way.

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I'd suggest reading the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Maybe even read it together if this is a relationship you want to invest in. The book surmises that everyone has a different love language that they communicate with to show or recieve how they are best loved. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch. Your SO may have a love language of Receiving gifts, and you may have Quality Time or Acts of Service. So for you to spend some time with her and fix her a nice meal (That you don't even enjoy cooking) was the way to say "I love you" But for her she would have felt love with a gift, even something simple as flowers.

 

Now everyone is probably on the continuum with these love languages, but if her primary one is gifts then you should remember that and try to shower her with gifts to show you love her. Conversely if your's is acts of service or quality time she should appreciate when you show her love in that way.

 

 

Ironically you mentioned this...She has recently read the book and surmised that the way i express love is Quality time, Physical touch, and Acts of service.

 

While i haven't read the book myself, i know the definitions of the languages from a "What's your love language? test we took months ago. And for the most part, i can agree with those languages that pertain to me. I can also infer that Words of Affirmation, Quality time, and Receiving Gifts are hers.

 

Whats interesting to note is that, i would imagine, a person reading this book and surmising that my love languages are Quality time, Physical touch, and Acts of service, would understand that what i did on Mother's Day, was my way of should love to her. Albeit that it didn't fulfill her love requirements. And this is the problem i have with these "Love categories". Where do you draw the line on love fulfillment? If i'm expressing the way i know how to her, which may or may not fulfill the way she likes to be loved...Do i give up how i like to give love to fulfill hers? what about vice versa? Obviously a compromise has to be had, and i think, looking back at previous V-Days, B-Days, M-Days, i have more than fulfilled her Receiving Gifts love language. So where/when does it become ok to express how i like to give love, if she's always looking to fulfill hers?

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Personally, I don’t believe gift is her love language, as she would be showering the OP with gifts in that case! Also, if she likes the new Apple watch so much, what’s stopping her from getting one herself?? I noticed that the OP is pretty young, so having a relationship with someone with a small child must take a lot of accommodating on his part too.

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I'll never understand people who "order" a gift. Isn't the whole point of getting birthday/Xmas gifts not knowing what you're gonna get? Letting the other person pick something for you as a part of putting a little bit of themselves into the gift? If she wants Apple watch so much, she should get it herself.

Otherwise you sound like a nice boyfriend, OP. Your woman seems to expect very specific things. I'd probably start getting her the exact things she expects and nothing more. See if she keeps on whining. But tell her how you feel as well. You shouldn't keep these kind of concerns to yourself, it won't benefit the relationship

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whichwayisup

I have felt our relationship is one sided for awhile. I've spoke to her about it. Haven't really seen an improvement. Separate events have lead me to this feeling all together, not just these singular scenarios i mentioned here.

 

Listen to your gut. Chances are this relationship isn't long term and she isn't 'the one' for you.

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Personally, I don’t believe gift is her love language, as she would be showering the OP with gifts in that case! Also, if she likes the new Apple watch so much, what’s stopping her from getting one herself?? I noticed that the OP is pretty young, so having a relationship with someone with a small child must take a lot of accommodating on his part too.

 

Nothing stopping her from buying it herself. I'm sure she can afford it. Maybe a little more difficult now since shes moving (Which, i had no clue about until papers were signed. Another story for another day), but i'm sure she can. I think it's the mentality of "Man, i'd love that, but i wouldn't spend my money to get it" type of things. Whether she's expecting me to buy it or not...i'd venture to say, she's looking to hopefully get one in Dec for either B-Day or Christmas. If that doesn't happen...i'm not sure what the reaction would be and honestly, IF an "I thought you were going to get me an Apple watch (or something other than what i gift), guaranteed end of relationship for me (assuming we make it till end of year).

 

She is the first woman i've dated with a child. It did take some getting use to, but i think we've both worked that part out for the most part. Her daughter is great. I dont have children, but she's being raised so far, in my opinion, good. I try to impart somethings here and there, now and then, and haven't received any backlashes when i tell her not to do things or behave properly. We respect each other and knows that i am not her father (Although it's been about 4 times now she's accidentally called me Dad). Bio father definitely doesn't like that she talks about me, but i dont know what she says to him or the extent of their conversations about me. He and I have actually never met. Not my doing, he just does not want to meet me, which i find so strange. I'd want to meet the man who isn't me, that my daughter is spending time with. But to each his own i suppose.

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With no father role model around, she may have gotten her expectations either from how her mother is OR straight off television. I mean, if you believe all that stuff, you get the idea expensive gifts and being treated like a diva are normal. So she may have those issues.

 

You said "What if I can't afford the Apple watch?" Well, if you plan on staying together, you have to start being able to understand each other's financial situations and be willing to live with them. You're not her sugar daddy. She's supposed to be just half of a couple. If you can't talk to her about everyday things like whether something is too extravagant for you, you can't marry her. If she can't accept you for who you are and what you are capable of and keeps aiming herself at getting stuff, then she needs a sugar daddy more than a bf, and guess what that makes her. Hopefully, if you just tell her, "Oh, let's not go all out this holiday -- I need to catch up on my car payment" or something like that, she can accept that like a normal human being.

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