Im falling in love...but?

[Mx12345]

We met online and had our first date in December of last year. We started very slowly. We saw each other once a week for the first two months. Every time we went out though I always had a great time. We got along really well, never ran out of things to talk about, he was attractive and had a good job. During the first six weeks we were dating, I was also dating another person, not exclusively. Once things ended with that person, I feel like things really blossomed with my current guy. We started spending more time together, we had sex after two and a half months and in March after three months, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I haven’t had a boyfriend in 4 ½ years so this was a big deal to me. Ive began to care about him tremendously. And the truth is, Im falling in love with him. And its so f-ing scary!

 

Hes amazing. He introduces me as his girlfriend to all the new friends I meet. We just took our first weekend getaway together. When it was his birthday last month, I went all out and he was texting his family group chat all the little surprises I did for him. After wards he told me what an amazing girlfriend I am. When hes on the phone with his mom he’ll use my name and after the call he’ll say “my mom says hi.” Even though I haven’t met her (she lives in another state.) The first time I ever spent the night I brought my dog. He had bought my dog a bed “so he could be comfortable” at his place, which I thought was adorable.

 

The issues Im having are this. Hes never spoken of past relationships, ever. Hes 39 and has never been married and that is a small red flag to me. I know he dated a girl for about a year back in 2015 because I saw so on social media. But I don’t know why it ended. So I fear hes 39 and not married because he has a fear of commitment. And hes never asked me about my relationship past, so he doesn’t know that I haven’t had a boyfriend in 4 1/2 years. He also never talks about the future. The weekend getaway we got invited by another couple that he is friends with, literally a week before hand. I would love to start planning an actual vacation, but we never talk about future things beyond a week or two. I know he got invited to a wedding in June and that he is going but he hasn’t invited me to be his date. He also has never acknowledged me on social media. Weve been on each others facebook and Instagram for four months, and hes never once liked a single picture of mine. But I see that he likes other peoples (and other girls) pictures, so I know hes active on there. Also for his birthday he tagged himself at the restaurant I took him to, but didn’t tag me. Im trying to not bring it up because a lot of people don’t think social media matters. Plus in person he introduces me as his GF and his family know about me. But his previous girlfriend he posted about all the time. At just a few months of dating he would tag her places and post pictures of them. We never stay the night with each other during the week. We go on dates and see each other about three times a week, but I only stay at his place on the weekends. I wouldn’t mind getting up earlier in the morning if staying at his place during the week, but hes never suggested or invited. I was remodeling my bathroom a few weeks ago and didn’t have a shower for two weeks. He gave a key one day and specifically said “so you can come here a shower later tonight when Im out” which led me to believe that it was a one time use only kind of thing. So a few days later I handed him the key back and he said “you can keep it, in case you need to shower again. I have extra spare keys anyway.” So I don’t feel like he gave me a key to his house as some significant thing because he kept reinforcing “in case you need to shower.”

 

Im beginning to fall in love, and I don’t know if our relationship is progressing into something long term, or if Im just another girl hes dating for a few months. Are my “red flags” actual red flags?

[preraph]

Don't mark him down for not having been married. Maybe he never found the right woman. Maybe he doesn't care whether it's legal or not. Dating is how you find out about those things. Eventually, you will pick up on whether he is soiled on marriage or not. I can tell you based on many years of experience that men who are opposed to marriage and have a bug up their butt about the subject are very vocal about it, always justifying themselves whether you care or not, to anyone, not just people they date.

 

So it's unlikely it's a big issue to him since he's not ranting about it, in my opinion. But keep your ears open to subtleties, but don't ask him. It's FAR too early to start pestering him about marriage. Eventually, it will come out if he wants kids or not too. You can usually kind of tell that by if he notices them and thinks they're cute or just ignores them or finds them annoying. So that's pretty easy.

 

Don't get in a hurry. It's usually a mistake to pressure someone, because dating really should be about finding out what they will voluntarily if it's left up to them. Maybe he goes at a slow pace, maybe he goes at a fast pace. Dating is to find out that sort of thing. It won't just be about commitment. It will be how he runs his life in general, aggressively or passively, a steady pace, or big bursts of energy and ups and downs. Just get to know him. See what he will do. Eventually, you'll know if you're compatible or not. Good luck.

[grays]

Ask about his past relationships. For me that's something I ask very early, in the first few dates if not the first. It's part of getting to know somebody. I need to know the basics of someone's life story to feel like I know them.

 

I've been w my boyfriend for 9 mos now and I could probably sit down and give you a chronology of his love life for the last 20 years, who he's dated, what he liked about them, why they broke up.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ask about his past relationships. For me that's something I ask very early, in the first few dates if not the first. It's part of getting to know somebody. I need to know the basics of someone's life story to feel like I know them.

 

I've been w my boyfriend for 9 mos now and I could probably sit down and give you a chronology of his love life for the last 20 years, who he's dated, what he liked about them, why they broke up.

 

Yeah I need that to. I need to know why they haven't married, what's their longest relationship, why it ended. I will directly stir conversation that way within the first 3 dates. It's really important to me in deciding if I want to keep seeing someone. If I get any evasion of these questions, my guard goes right up and things don't last much longer.

 

It's kind of puzzling that you are not communicating with him more openly about the issues you outlined after 6 months of being together. By sweeping things under the rug, you end up wasting a lot of time, energy and emotion in a dead end situation.

[d0nnivain]

The only red flag I see is your paranoia. Not everybody puts their whole life on display. You have only been together for 6 months. While the relationship seems to be progressing nicely, it may still be too soon for him to share his darkest secrets. His actions say he's in for the long haul.

 

If there is a topic you'd like to discuss, bring it up in conversation. Don't accuse. Just talk.

 

See what that gets you

[LifeBeginsAt40]

^^^^^ Pretty much the post above ^^^^^^

 

Read back what you have written - you sound like a 13 year old girl. He didn't like my instagram, I went on his Facebook and blah blah blah, he's not liked my picture ever but he likes this other girls all the time. Bleurgh. Sorry to be blunt, but you are going a little over the top here assuming you are also in your 30's?

 

I am 40 and have never been married. Had a few long term relationships and have just started (sort of) another one. Reasons that the previous ones didn't work out were nothing to do with commitment phobia, they just didn't work out for one reason or another. Maybe he saw the world, worked at his career etc etc when he was younger and so has never settled down.

 

End of the day, only way you will get an answer is to ask him. Maybe because you have deliberately been taking it slow, that is what he thinks you want. Now that you want to speed it up and be an item with him, you are finding it doesn't just flip like that. He may be thinking well I'd love to invite her to the wedding, but she might freak out and think I'm being too serious etc etc.

[Rockdad]

Seriously, what is it with this "need to know everything now" thing like it's in so many females DNA? How many stories in here from females asking why her SO suddenly grows cold or seems uninterested now? Some of the reads from the stories being explained out sounds to me like the guy has gone through a question and answer period.

 

Personally I think there is something said about slowing down and enjoying the experience. I know I'm just a guy that didn't want pestered, drilled, interviewed for every detail right off the bat when I was dating my wife. I don't care for it in any setting.

 

She and I both did not do that to each other and just let it come out as we grew along in the relationship. By the way it was 2 years before we got married.