Am I wasting my time?

[frustrated728]

Been dating a guy for over a year. During that time, I have taken him to multiple family functions out of town (and paid for the hotels and gifts to go along with it). He has met my inner circle of friends and my family on numerous occasions.

 

While he was generous and thoughtful during the first year, he has not been the same for the last 5 months. We talked about living together several months ago and he seemed in favor of it. Accordingly, I have taken steps to ready my home for sale and can list it in about a month. I've also started to look for places in between our homes (he lives 75 miles away).

 

I only see him later on Saturday (he works Monday thru Fri and Sat AM, as a doctor) to Sunday after dinner.

 

He promised me during our first year, we'd go away on weekends, go on day trips, etc. The only trips we have taken have been those I've brought him on, including a cruise in Alaska (and he admitted no one has ever taken him on a vacation). During the first year, he would buy me some gifts and send flowers on occasion but he hasn't bothered with anything since the holidays (and bought me a discontinued piece of costume jewelry).

 

He earns a very good living but I feel like I'm the one always taking care of things. I have said that I'd like to go away on my birthday this year, since it is on a weekend and he said he is bad at planning trips so I should do the research; but if he is presumably paying for it, how am I to choose?

 

He used to tell me he loved me but he doesn't anymore. But he does hold my hand and shows me some affection.

 

Needless to say, I'm always the one paying not only for the trips but also all of the gifts for the various events for my family but he knows I put his name on the gift, which I'm ok with, but he has NEVER invited me to any of his family functions and I have NEVER met any of his friends. I've met his kids a few times and his sister and elderly mother only once but he sees them all of the time.

 

He has been divorced for many years and his ex has been remarried for several years.

 

I do have 2 adult kids like him but my son has Asperger's so he can be a bit of a handful and my bf knows it. My son is sweet but he needs some attention from me and I'm thinking that it turning him off?

 

His daughter just moved out from his home, so now he has the house to himself. But he has said absolutely nothing about living together from the time I brought it up many months ago.

 

He is overall a great guy and I hate to lose him and be alone (I'm already 60). Thoughts?

[preraph]

I wouldn't put your house up for sale anytime soon. If he was really wanting to live together, he wouldn't have let the subject drop. So it's too soon. He hasn't even introduced you to family, if I read that right. He's not there yet.

 

Yes, given the choice, most people would opt not to live with someone that is overwhelming. If he does, that's great, but it's a lot to ask of someone who isn't the father. Now, does your son spend half the time with his father? I would hope so, because that gives you a much better chance to have a life someone will share with you. If that's not happening and your son can't be out on his own, have a job and all that, I'd be working on sharing custody with the father. It might even be beneficial to your son, getting used to another situation. Don't sell that house.

[frustrated728]

I am a widow, so my son is fully dependent on me. He has his own apartment and has a job, but does need to see me once a week.

[preraph]

Oh, well, I doubt that is a big factor in what's going on then. I mean, if it really bothers him, he can always go do something, but probably shouldn't have an issue if it's only occasionally, right? I mean, unless for some reason he's a financial drain or keeping you from working, but sounds like he's pretty independent but like most kids, needs to see their mom once in a while.

 

I just don't think unless he brings it up again, he's in a hurry to move in together. So I wouldn't do anything to put pressure like putting the home up for sale. I'd wait and see if he ever takes the next step, whatever that is, introducing you to parents or giving you a ring or starts looking for houses and brings you in on the subject. You don't ever want to live with a man who resents you for rushing him. I realize he probably brought it up to begin with, but it just may be happening too soon for him. Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

Only you know whether you are wasting your time. This guy doesn't seem interested in living together. If that is your goal, he's not your guy.

 

He also seems cheap to me. In your shoes I wouldn't spring for more trips. I might say "hey, I'm thinking about planning a trip to [place]. If we stay at [location / hotel ] your share would be $x.xx How do you feel about that?" If he doesn't at least pay his share, you may be wasting your time.

[preraph]

He's either cheap or you have more money than him. Only you know the answer to that.

 

Which reminds me to caution you about one more thing. You know how it can feel weird if a person is doing too much for you, more than you want to reciprocate? You could be making that mistake. I think you need to completely stop paying for anything for him, completely stop trying to get him to move in, keep your home, and just see what he does. I mean, he may bail because you're not throwing money at him anymore, so good riddance. Or he may see this as an opportunity to do something for YOU that you can't top so he can feel like a man. It might create a space where he feels more like stepping forward and where he feels he has some power. Just a thought. Good luck.

[frustrated728]

thanks all for your input. As a follow up, I did not mention the sale of my home to him or anything else related but I told him I love him and he softly said he did too. I also told him it was lonely during the week not seeing him and he didn't say anything. Suppose that confirms where he stands which is confusing given that he was after me for so long and went out of his way to see me. Any further thoughts? Should I still hang in there and see where this goes or just cut it off?

[frustrated728]

It would have been the right thing for him to tell me his position rather than me having to guess, wonder and then be hurt. Does this tell me something about him as a person?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Sounds like you are way more into him than he is into you, or perhaps this is just his "style" in relationships. One thing I've come to learn is that people don't like attempts to change them. Unless you want more of the same in the future, maybe you should move on. Easier said than done.

[Zahara]

thanks all for your input. As a follow up, I did not mention the sale of my home to him or anything else related but I told him I love him and he softly said he did too. I also told him it was lonely during the week not seeing him and he didn't say anything. Suppose that confirms where he stands which is confusing given that he was after me for so long and went out of his way to see me. Any further thoughts? Should I still hang in there and see where this goes or just cut it off?

 

I think you should stop paying for everything and planning. When you shoulder the relationship and give too much, you often get into a situation where the other is taking advantage of you and likely losing attraction for you. He sees no reason to put in any effort into you when you keep doing everything.

 

Step back and observe. If he chooses to keep on putting in the bare minimum, then you have your answer. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he is invested anymore, and likely stays to get some level of benefit from it -- sex, companionship, free trips, etc.

 

If I were you, I would move on. A little affection and some hand holding isn't sufficient to sustain a relationship.

[coolheadal]

Been dating a guy for over a year. During that time, I have taken him to multiple family functions out of town (and paid for the hotels and gifts to go along with it). He has met my inner circle of friends and my family on numerous occasions.

 

While he was generous and thoughtful during the first year, he has not been the same for the last 5 months. We talked about living together several months ago and he seemed in favor of it. Accordingly, I have taken steps to ready my home for sale and can list it in about a month. I've also started to look for places in between our homes (he lives 75 miles away). {snip}

 

 

How old is he? And where did you to meet before you are where you at now?

As to what's going on you clearly see where it is at. Your 60 you have two kids both grown I see one you have to pay attention too because of this syndrome. But the doctor on the other hand might not be on your same level where you are going. It's up to you to pay for what you want otherwise the doctor is not reaching into his pocket to pay. You both sound like your best of friends than in any relationship. He's there for you for Sunday for dinner as he's doing his part. Your taking care of your son and your life and your doing your part. That's about it for you now. If you want something different then you have do decide is the doctor worth it or not. Expensive taste he might not be on the level with you as to buy you something high end where he consider you more than just a friend. But does that really matter to you, or do you want him has your aka boyfriend instead of just a guy that shows up on Sunday dinner once a week.

Edited May 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped ~T

[preraph]

He's just not as invested as you. And he doesn't sound like he really wants to get cornered about it. He'll probably bail rather than have to be honest about it. If you're unhappy, leave.

[Lotsgoingon]

Do not even THINK about selling your home.

 

I'm sorry ... but you have a one-sided relationship ... I've dated people who had more or less money than I did ... if they paid more, we talked about that ahead of time ... and I profusely thanked them ... I didn't just quietly go along ...

 

It's time for you to speak up ... about money ... about love ... about moving. What are you waiting for? ... You can't really finesse your way through his level of ambivalence.

 

You need to get all the issues of your concern on the table ... Frankly, that's a start and that's simply good practice for you ... because another question is: why have you paid for everything without insisting on a conversation about this? Why haven't you told him about the distance (no "love" word recently) you're picking up? Why would you even THINK of putting your house on the market with this level of wishy-washy on his side? ...

 

Before you sell a home, you should know and see DOCUMENTS about exactly how much he makes (he's a doctor?!) ... exactly how much he is worth, all of that ... Not "hear" his salary ... See his salary in multiple documents ... and if he has major obligations, he should tell you that (in specifics) ...

 

Speak up! ... Practice using your voice ... there is something in you getting in the way of speaking up for yourself ... worth dealing with right now ... because after marriage, speaking up becomes harder, if anything ... and people feel betrayed ... "you never complained about that before" the marriage.

 

I'm sounding tough, but many of us have been in situations like this in which we for whatever reason just gave too much ... too easily ... with too little acknowledgment or appreciation .... Practice setting some boundaries, setting some standards ... Trust me: there is nothing worse than being married to someone behaving like this guy. The absolute worst thing in the world. You end up spending all kinds of energy hiding that truth from yourself! ... and/or hating your marriage.

 

But you're not married yet, so be direct with this guy ... see if he shapes up ... if he doesn't move on ... But there's work on YOU you can do here .... The only way you can get the relationship you want is to push for it.

Edited May 22, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[d0nnivain]

It's your relationship too. You are allowed to ask Qs about his desires & vision. You need info to make the best decision for you.

[frustrated728]

So I did have a calm discussion with my bf about the issues of distance, living together, being introduced to his friends and family, etc.

I was right that he isn't ready to live with me but told him it would have been nice for him to actually tell me that especially while he saw me going through meeting with realtors, hiring painters, etc.

I then told him I didn't want an indefinite 1 day a week relationship that's just having a companion not a real SO. His response was that he was going to wait until the lease ends on his business which is going to happen in 2 to 3 years and then he would live with me after that since it was too inconvenient for him to find a middle point where we would both have to go to work each day. The problem is that he works on the 6 days a week so that leaves very little time for us to be together basically we are together Saturday the night until after dinner on Sunday. I explained to him I was very lonely in my large home the other six nights and I want to sell the home but now I don’t know what to do. Do I stay with him or do I cut my losses and start over with someone who either lives closer to me or we have a more compatible situation?

[d0nnivain]

That's up to you. You never said before that he works 6 days per week. If he is giving you the only day he has, that is something. Entrepreneurs have to put everything into the business or else the business fails. The business is like a kid -- it's needs constant attention & it comes 1st.

 

He needed to do a better job of explaining his vision for the future & your relationship to you but now that he's disclosed his thought process & said I love you, I think hanging in there is an option. If you are well & truly done, get out now before he starts winding down the business.

[frustrated728]

He is retiring since he is already 67 but he is a sole practitioner. Not sure I want to have a 1 night a week bf for 2 or 3 more years, when I'll be almost 64 years old. Is that reasonable if I'm willing to move closer to him but he would still have to drive about an hour in each direction?

[stillafool]

So I did have a calm discussion with my bf about the issues of distance, living together, being introduced to his friends and family, etc.

I was right that he isn't ready to live with me but told him it would have been nice for him to actually tell me that especially while he saw me going through meeting with realtors, hiring painters, etc.

I then told him I didn't want an indefinite 1 day a week relationship that's just having a companion not a real SO. His response was that he was going to wait until the lease ends on his business which is going to happen in 2 to 3 years and then he would live with me after that since it was too inconvenient for him to find a middle point where we would both have to go to work each day. The problem is that he works on the 6 days a week so that leaves very little time for us to be together basically we are together Saturday the night until after dinner on Sunday. I explained to him I was very lonely in my large home the other six nights and I want to sell the home but now I don’t know what to do. Do I stay with him or do I cut my losses and start over with someone who either lives closer to me or we have a more compatible situation?

 

Definitely cut your losses NOW. You can't wait around another 2 to 3 years getting older waiting on him. At the end of the 3 years there's no guarantee he will want you even then. He is not invested in this relationship one bit. If he were in love he would want you with him. Stop spending your money on him with no return. His excuses don't make sense. Let him go.

[frustrated728]

I ended up writing him a letter in detail about how I felt he didn't treat me right but I did - he was welcomed into my family and friend circle but he never introduced me in 2 years to his friends and family and more importantly, how he LIED to me about never telling me about his "3 year plan" but let me hired contractors and realtors to sell my house and still didn't say anything until I asked him. All of this in conflict with him telling me how much money he'd give me for the new home, and helping me hire the contractors, etc. What a slap in the face!

He got the letter and never responded AT ALL...what does that mean? Was he too much of a coward to reach out to me? He could have at least sent me a text saying he was sorry I felt that way, etc.

Thoughts?

[Marc878]

His actions tell you what you need to know.

[FMW]

He's telling you he's perfectly happy with the way things are right now and doesn't plan on changing anything for at least 2-3 years. I wouldn't have any faith that he'll be any more invested at that point.

 

You've made your position clear, there's nothing more for you to do. The ball is in his court. Please stop paying for anything for him. He's a Doctor, he does not need your generosity, and doesn't deserve it because he doesn't reciprocate. Step back and wait for him to make the moves, the contact, the planning, etc. See what happens if you aren't the one driving the relationship.

 

Keep him in your life if you want, but realize he doesn't want what you want. If you meet someone else you're interested in then feel free to explore that.

[JDJ]

He used to tell me he loved me but he doesn't anymore.

 

I understand from the later part of the thread that he already ghosted you. But this alone is enough to say that this is pretty bad. I don't think that just because you are 60 you should settle for next to nothing.

[preraph]

Why do you want to sell your home? I thought it was because of him but now he's made clear nothing's going to happen for about 3 years so why would you want to sell your home? You need to stay close to where you work and not uproot for this uncertain situation. Keep your house together and keep your job together and your income and don't start making changes that have anything to do with him. If you care about him, then I'd expect you to ride it out and see him once a week. Any new guy you date isn't going to want to move in with you within a year. You're moving too fast and expecting guys to go along with it. If you're lonely get a hobby or a dog or something. Or get a second job and sock money away.