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How to avoid being jealous while dating?


clueless_4ever

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clueless_4ever

I have been dating this guy for a little over month now. We had an amazing first date and went on a second date the next day. Then spent the next three weekends together (sleepovers). I really like him and he tells me he really likes me too and talks about future plans with me. But I noticed on his instagram that he keeps following a bunch of girls (not celebrities or models). Then I saw he's still active on okcupid. I don't want to talk about being exclusive until I could see him in person but I couldn't see him the last two weeks cause his friend was in town. So I lightly joked about how he's still on okcupid and later he deleted the app (not the account). I see that even after deleting the app he just followed a girl.

 

I know we are not exclusive. I know he is free to do whatever he wants. But if he really does like me, why does he keep following all these girls?

 

Is this a bad sign?

 

More importantly, how can I remain calm and not get jealous? I know I sound completely crazy. I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend.

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You're at date#2.

You are both free agents - which is as it should be this early on.

You are having a thought process of jealousy way too soon.

 

Is this something you usually experience in the first few dates?

If it is then get busy and value yourself.

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clueless_4ever

We've been on over 10 dates. Is it too soon to consider being exclusive?

 

But yeah I know I sound completely crazy. I just really like this guy. That's why I'm here trying to find out how I can not be jealous and just be myself.

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I missed the other dates.

 

What works for you and how are you normally?

Do you usually hold guys interest?

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If you have slept together 3 times and have gone on 10 dates, then I don't think it is too early to have the Define The Relationship talk.

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amaysngrace

You should probably stop stalking him if you want to change being jealous over every little thing he does.

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PegNosePete
I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend.

Well, jealous or not, you're not any kind of girlfriend if you haven't talked about that.

 

Is it too soon to consider being exclusive?

It's not like you're proposing marriage here. If you want to date exzclusively then tell him. If he also wants to, he will be fine with it. If he doesn't want to then you have to consider if you want to carry on dating him, knowing that he is dating others. Personally I wouldn't do that.

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Romantic_Antics
You're at date#2.

You are both free agents - which is as it should be this early on.

You are having a thought process of jealousy way too soon.

 

Not necessarily. If you really like a person and have had multiple sleepovers over the span of 3 consecutive weekends (I'm assuming you skipped that part, Gemma. They're way past date #2) then it's only natural to feel at least a pang of jealousy if it looks like that person might still be pursuing other relationships.

 

With that said, TC, if he deleted the app when you brought it up that's a pretty good sign that he's considering exclusivity with you. I'd curb any additional jealousy you may have though or you'll end up sending him the message that you're needy and insecure. Be confident and focus on continuing to build what the two of you have so far. He deleted the app, so what does that tell you?

 

Good luck!

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He's still looking. I had this problem too. I think mine is an ego problem. I felt like if they were really interested in me, they wouldn't be seeing how many women they could date at the same time. Fact is -- I am going to say most guys are like this who CAN be like this. If they can, most of them will just keep dating variety and sleeping with variety. One day they may decide to settle down with someone they think they won't do better than or someone they fear losing if they don't progress the commitment. But you can't force it, that's for sure.

 

Logically, just know that everyone isn't alike. When I'm really interested, I'm really focused on that guy and kind of love blind to others. But don't expect men to be that way. They may act like it in bed, like they love you so much, and then, like one of mine, sit in front of you with a date the next night you see them out. Fickle. Out of sight, out of mind. Or as I told the cousin of that guy, He falls in love with every woman he sleeps with. It seemed like that.

 

It's too soon to ask for commitment and anyway, you're not going to get it, at least as long as he's clearly hoping to meet someone he likes more. So your choice is to either enjoy the dating and accept he's not going to commit in the next decade, or break up so the runway is clear for a better match, or do what I did, which is do what he's doing and date whoever you want and not always be on call for him. That's what I recommend. He's dating, so you keep dating and stay distracted and not let yourself get into that sinkhold of one-sided commitment. It's better that way. And if he starts noticing you're not always available, it might even make him treat you better, but it's not going to magically make him commit.

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LifeBeginsAt40
I have been dating this guy for a little over month now. We had an amazing first date and went on a second date the next day. Then spent the next three weekends together (sleepovers). I really like him and he tells me he really likes me too and talks about future plans with me. But I noticed on his instagram that he keeps following a bunch of girls (not celebrities or models). Then I saw he's still active on okcupid. I don't want to talk about being exclusive until I could see him in person but I couldn't see him the last two weeks cause his friend was in town. So I lightly joked about how he's still on okcupid and later he deleted the app (not the account). I see that even after deleting the app he just followed a girl.

 

I know we are not exclusive. I know he is free to do whatever he wants. But if he really does like me, why does he keep following all these girls?

 

Is this a bad sign?

 

More importantly, how can I remain calm and not get jealous? I know I sound completely crazy. I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend.

 

Ok, so this is quite a timely post. I'm pretty much in a similar situation to yourself, except a bit older no doubt and male. However, I am an absolute mess in the first stages of dating. I analyse everything, and I mean everything. Did I send that text too soon, why didn't she want to cuddle me after dinner, why this, why that, what does this mean etc etc. You get the idea. I suffer with anxiety and have always had a hard time dealing with uncertainty. I can't deal with up in the air plans whether it is romantically or otherwise. Yup, dating sucks big time for me, particularly in the initial lets see how it goes phase.

 

I think at the start of any relationship, there is always one person driving things forward. One person making most of the efforts to set up dates, initiate kissing etc etc. There is a power struggle, but what you need to do is stay true to yourself. If the uncertainty and randomness of it all is bugging you then you need to hold yourself to higher standards and walk away. If he does genuinely like you and want to be with you, then he will come back. If he doesn't, he won't. Either way you win - you are either with him, or you find out he is just playing you and isn't that better to know now rather than waste another 5 months of your life?

 

Ultimately, I am a great believer of if two people are meant to be together then they will be. Only way to really get an answer is to sit him down and spell it out - you really like him, you don't want to play games, you are holding yourself to a higher standard than just being another notch on his bedpost. If that sends him running then you know you were just a thing, and as much as that sucks, better to find out now. Might be that he is trying to keep you keen by acting like every girl in town is after him, and to be fair to him, it seems to be working. A reality check may make him think this girl isn't going to be messed around so I'd best get my **** together.

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clueless_4ever
Not necessarily. If you really like a person and have had multiple sleepovers over the span of 3 consecutive weekends (I'm assuming you skipped that part, Gemma. They're way past date #2) then it's only natural to feel at least a pang of jealousy if it looks like that person might still be pursuing other relationships.

 

With that said, TC, if he deleted the app when you brought it up that's a pretty good sign that he's considering exclusivity with you. I'd curb any additional jealousy you may have though or you'll end up sending him the message that you're needy and insecure. Be confident and focus on continuing to build what the two of you have so far. He deleted the app, so what does that tell you?

 

Good luck!

 

This. I needed this. Thank you anonymous user for reminding me to stay grounded :)

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whichwayisup
We've been on over 10 dates. Is it too soon to consider being exclusive?

 

But yeah I know I sound completely crazy. I just really like this guy. That's why I'm here trying to find out how I can not be jealous and just be myself.

 

Stop watching his online activity. This is damaging and making you mistrust him.

 

Don't get upset that he follows whomever on instagram.

 

Focus more on how he treats you when you're spending time together and how he is in general. Is he a kind person? have a lot of good friends and close to his family?

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You instincts are right.....he's not as committed as he should be. I myself didn't wait around, or "had a talk". If the guy isn't on the right track with me, it's a bubb-bye.

 

 

 

There is nothing wrong with your expectations. It may not be right for everyone, but so what. You want a guy that is loyal and is truly interested in committing to you in all aspects. He's not head over heels with you, and he's still looking or whatever.

 

 

 

Now if the girl or girls he follows are part of his social circle, then it is what it is, he shouldn't have to give that up for anyone. They are just friends. You can't restrict someone all contact with others because they are of the opposite sex. That's just ridiculous.

 

 

 

IMO if you have to dig to make sure a guy is honest, you have issues yourself, but I guess that's the way people date these days.

Edited by smackie9
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thefooloftheyear

As a general rule, I am pretty selective, so if I would be willing to even be seen with a particular woman in public(which is WAY less of a threshold than you have), then she's already passed that hurdle...At that point, I would at least give it full attention without the potential of other options..It may or may not work out, and I may miss out on someone else, but that's that...

 

That being said I would never "shop" someone, nor would I ever allow myself to be "shopped"...

 

So, if I were you, then I wouldn't even bother with "the talk" ...If I had verfiable truth he was shopping for a better deal, then I am certainly not going to stand around and be the idiot he settled for because he couldn't find better...

 

.02

 

TFY

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I have been dating this guy for a little over month now. We had an amazing first date and went on a second date the next day. Then spent the next three weekends together (sleepovers). I really like him and he tells me he really likes me too and talks about future plans with me. But I noticed on his instagram that he keeps following a bunch of girls (not celebrities or models). Then I saw he's still active on okcupid. I don't want to talk about being exclusive until I could see him in person but I couldn't see him the last two weeks cause his friend was in town. So I lightly joked about how he's still on okcupid and later he deleted the app (not the account). I see that even after deleting the app he just followed a girl.

 

I know we are not exclusive. I know he is free to do whatever he wants. But if he really does like me, why does he keep following all these girls?

 

Is this a bad sign?

 

More importantly, how can I remain calm and not get jealous? I know I sound completely crazy. I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend.

 

I couldn't be in a relationship like this either. While I'm dating someone, I want to be the only one until we discover we're compatible or not. You're going to be jealous and it's normal. After all, we start to bond with each other quite quickly when dating if we really like each other. I don't call it a sign of any kind of feeling at all except sex on his part if he's dating others while dating you. I would bail.

 

I know this is accepted behavior in this world, but I for one am not a robot. I have feelings... I don't want to date someone at all that doesn't have any attention span when it comes to me. Chances are, if he doesn't in the beginning... he'll never choose you anyway, in the end.

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coolheadal
We've been on over 10 dates. Is it too soon to consider being exclusive?

 

But yeah I know I sound completely crazy. I just really like this guy. That's why I'm here trying to find out how I can not be jealous and just be myself.

 

He's not ready for what you want with him. He's keeping OKcupid account, because he has a backdoor where he can still explore the waters. You have fun with him I see but still don't put all your cards into one deck with him just yet. Let him chase after you, and you need to start thinking out of the box. Look around as well. A lot of these guys are still having fun at your own expense. He likes you, you like him and that's it. No love yet. Sorry to say just seeing who you are and then he needs the others on his list as well. You really need to search with your heart and not with your eyes. That's what your doing now. Open your mind and see the truth of the matter. Find the right guy for your heart and mind to be at peace my child!

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