I am self-sabotaging my relationship

[lm0905]

I have posted here before, but this post is probably my more 'serious'/time sensitive posts.

 

I've been with my BF for over a year and we have both discussed that we see each other in our respective futures. But this might be compromised if I don't figure my stuff out.

 

For the past 6 months, I've been jobless and have been applying and interviewing for many jobs. Clearly it hasn't been successful since I am still unemployed. Because of this, I have been hanging around my boyfriend about every day of the week.

Since then, it has started to annoy my boyfriend that since I am over his house all.the.time, he barely has time to see his best friend anymore

 

We used to literally never argue, but for the past month or so, we've had at least one or two arguments every couple of weeks or so.

 

And I know that they are all my fault. I can sometimes not be a mature person, I'll just blurt the first thing that comes to my mind as opposed to just waiting, taking a breath, and then think about wanting to say before I've said it. This has happened many times where it really is starting to annoy my boyfriend.

 

I also am pretty one-dimensional where I don't have much to contribute to conversations, like anything of 'substance'. I typically like to tell the same joke or stories over and over again until my boyfriend calls me out for it.

 

It all came to head yesterday after we went to the gym together, and I was talking about some job I applied to but some of the reviews I saw of the company online weren't good and BF just blew up. BF told me that he is so tired of hearing all my excuses about different companies and why if they are not perfect, I shouldn't apply there.

 

I might have reacted not-so maturely by giving him a dirty look and then BF went on and said how I'm acting really immature lately and I need to cut it out because it's getting really annoying. He said that he's tired of having one-dimensional conversations with me where he feels like we can't really talk about anything deep because most of what I talk about with him is stuff I find on reddit.

BF also said to me that as this relationship is getting more serious, I should grow with it. But I've become pretty stagnant.

 

I could just tell that if I don't get my **** together (and don't get me wrong, I want to change), then this relationship isn't gonna last much longer.

I know he still wants to be with me and work it out, and I also know that the ball is in my court.

 

I feel like I am self-sabotaging this relationship and I don't want to. I know I need to grow up and mature and not be so impulsive.

 

I am going to start seeing a therapist this week that helps with personal growth and personal problems. But is there anything else I can do to help myself? I obviously don't want my relationship to end.

[SevenCity]

The hardest aspect is determining what the problem is. You've done that.

 

The only thing you need to do is correct it.

 

First, get a life outside of your bf. Read a newspaper or a book, learn something outside of redit to educate yourself and become a more interesting person. Pause before you speak and work through the impact it will have on the other person. This is what you have to do as an adult if you want to have a productive life.

 

Stop making excuses for why you don't want to work somewhere. Instead, realize getting a (good) job is not easy and since you have none the best thing you can do is take what you can get. Then you can continue to search for something more fitting as you will have a much easier time finding s job if you are currently employed and it will allow you to be more selective.

 

You know exactly what you are doing wrong so you have no excuse not to correct it. If not, your bf will leave you - as will any other man worth his weight. Guys with options would not deal with this sort of behavior...I know I wouldnt.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with Seven. Have you thought about getting a part time (nothing important type) job? I think you bf wants to see that you are capable and will do what it takes and pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. Even if it is not the most career forward type of job, having your OWN things to do and talk about will help. Also how you spend you time will take the burden off of him. If I were in your shoes, I would try even an internship type thing without pay so that I could get my foot in the door somewhere and some experience that matters. Or a little part time job that will give some money and take the pressure off of everything.

 

Speaking of money? How do you pay for your life? Or does he pay for everything? That's also a source of frustration if your lack of getting a job holds him back for what he wants to do with his money (even for you together) because you can't pay your way AT ALL. And most importantly, aren't willing to do anything or much of anything about it. It's easy to be picky about a job when it's someone else's problem essentially and your day to day life is not that affected. I think he wants you to act like your back is up against a wall because it is! And that you don't see it like that and persist with your ways is scary to someone who thought they wanted to plan a future with you. DO SOMETHING!!!! Good luck

[Eternal Sunshine]

You really shouldn't even be reading reviews of different companies but be thrilled to take any job you can get for now. You should be applying for absolutely anything. Time to be picky is when you already have a job and want a better one.

 

How are you even supporting yourself? Is your bf footing the bill for food/untilities while you are constantly at his place? You may actually have less time to "fix things" than you think. I know of many similar examples where the bf unexpectedly ended things because he was tired of excuses, money leeching and laziness.

[Romantic_Antics]

I think you should stop spending so much time at his house and focus on yourself for awhile. The space will be good for both of you and if you can nail down a job as well as start making improvements in the areas you mentioned then you will improve your boyfriend's image of you. Right now that image has depreciated and if you continue on your current course you're going to lose him.

[lm0905]

Yeah you guys are all right. I'm gonna take these few days away from him and get my life back on track. Going to take my job searching way more seriously (even though I've been serious about it) and hanging out with my friends, and to get a kick start on my much needed therapy.

 

We have plans on Thursday, so I think the 4 days between now and then apart will be good for us and our relationship (I hope, at least)

[Flame Aura]

Yeah you guys are all right. I'm gonna take these few days away from him and get my life back on track. Going to take my job searching way more seriously (even though I've been serious about it) and hanging out with my friends, and to get a kick start on my much needed therapy.

 

We have plans on Thursday, so I think the 4 days between now and then apart will be good for us and our relationship (I hope, at least)

How seriously are you taking it?

 

Whenever I have been unemployed, looking for a job was like having a job itself. 10am - 5pm every weekday I was all over the internet applying for everything and anything. Ok I would get distracted and have a break now and then but there was no going out socialising or shopping or gym etc until I finished.

 

Had to work at some bad places such as retail..supermarket.. but was only to be able to get something better. I now have a really good job, wasn't easy to get here.

[lm0905]

How seriously are you taking it?

 

Whenever I have been unemployed, looking for a job was like having a job itself. 10am - 5pm every weekday I was all over the internet applying for everything and anything. Ok I would get distracted and have a break now and then but there was no going out socialising or shopping or gym etc until I finished.

 

Had to work at some bad places such as retail..supermarket.. but was only to be able to get something better. I now have a really good job, wasn't easy to get here.

 

 

Well I am currently helping my dad out at his job, like 10-4ish monday-friday (except this morning I have Skype interview), but during 'work' I am literally applying to every and all jobs I can find. But I am basically just continuously refreshing the page to many job boards so I can apply to the jobs right when they're posted

 

I am applying to jobs in my current city and jobs in a city that my boyfriend and I have talked about moving to (talked about this as recently as this past saturday)

[kendahke]

You need to stop staying at his place 24/7. That's why his fuse is short with you--because you're becoming a dependent.

 

What you're doing by staying with him 24/7 and not contributing to his household is turning your relationship dynamic into a parent/child dynamic, not an adult/adult dynamic.

 

Your time could be better used by doing some reading to give you something to talk about--and I don't mean social media. Get a library card and go check out some books of substance and expand your mind--while you're at it, apply for a job there, too.

 

The unemployed don't have the luxury of turning up their noses at jobs.

 

Do you have any creative talents? Figure out how to monetize something you're interested in through a youtube channel, etsy, squarespace, etc. Seems lots of people on there make a pretty nice side hustle by uploading content on the regular.