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Finding the right balance?


coledvids

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I've posted before about a situation that's ongoing with someone I see often, the original thread is here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/654667-how-can-you-tell-if-girl-likes-you-humour-me

 

Basically, she said at first that she'd like to be 'friends' but has since told me that she likes me but doesn't want to say that we are 'dating' in case it doesn't work out, etc. That she wants to continue spending time with me and see what happens. She has also expressed that due to past relationships, her tendencies to get intense very quickly and an ongoing issue with her family that she is hesitant to rush into a serious relationship.

 

So, I am finding it hard to strike the right balance. I've spent three days with her in the last week, and we get on very, VERY well when we are together. When I message her it's different, she doesn't say a lot through that medium and so that's been at times difficult to read how she's feeling.

 

I am not trying to move at a speed that will cause her to back off - she has expressed that she has felt pressured in the past and will start backing off from people. It's quite clear she likes me, so I want to handle this in the best way possible so that even if it doesn't work out, it isn't through my behaviour - if that makes sense. I do want to move at a speed that indicates my interest, though.

 

I have tried to 'escalate' physically a few times - she clearly feels either not ready/uncomfortable but will often touch me, let me touch her face/hair/hands. I've told her that I think she's scared to get into this with me and she said yes, she is. We have only hung out three times - One of those was with her friend at a gun protest march so wasn't really the right time to start trying anything with her.

 

How can I strike the right balance, here?

 

She seems to be drawn to my personality as it is, as she's been slowly getting closer to me for months - I don't think a sudden switch of my personality will help this. She knows my personality already - I also can't try and kiss her or do anything sexual at this point. She's expressed that she's scared/nervous/hesitant so I don't think pushing for sexual contact YET would help; I think it would frighten her away.

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Yup, what she said ^. She's got some issue. I mean, dating IS making a move, and if she won't allow that, you're not dating, IMO.

 

Don't know if it's the case, but people with hangups, whatever they are, about sex and don't want to have sex, still like to appear to be dating and having a bf or gf so they look normal to others and to themselves.

Edited by preraph
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The only advice I have is just be friends and date other women.

 

Yup, what she said ^. She's got some issue. I mean, dating IS making a move, and if she won't allow that, you're not dating, IMO.

 

Don't know if it's the case, but people with hangups, whatever they are, about sex and don't want to have sex, still like to appear to be dating and having a bf or gf so they look normal to others and to themselves.

 

I think this website is very very helpful for advice regarding break ups. But the advice here centred around dating is strange; there's a heavy focus on sealing the deal immediately, escalating, almost forcing someone to initiate sexual contact on another person even if the time isn't right.

 

I wonder if that's indicative of society, or maybe the types of people that frequent this particular part of the website. I've asked advice from friends and other websites - this is the only place where I've been told to find someone else.

 

I actually happen to like this person, and she has directly told me that she likes me too. Her and I have both experienced pain in our pasts and so we are both being cautious. I don't see what is wrong with that, actually.

 

Yes, she DOES have an issue; several. She has told me that she likes me but she is experiencing a few personal issues that worry her.

 

The last two times I 'escalated' with women? They both turned out to be emotionally unstable and abusive and they also left me just as quickly as they got with me. To me it's a strong warning sign if someone jumps into bed with you straight away.

 

Don't agree with the advice I've been given here. I think people tend to generalise too much and apply the same dogmatic advice to different situations.

 

There's no one else I'm interested in. If it doesn't go anywhere with this person then I'm not going to 'date other women' - this situation has sprung up purely by accident.

 

I don't do online dating. It's artificial. Might as well get a mail order bride.

 

I already have decided to try and see what happens with this situation; I was asking for advice on what to do WITHIN this situation, not whether or not I should abandon it. That is my decision to make as an adult. I don't ascribe to notions of the 'friendzone' or other creations of Corey Wayne et al.

 

Thanks for the input, though.

Edited by coledvids
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And another point; her and I didn't meet in a club, a bar, on Tinder or OKC. We met during the course of our normal lives. We have only been around each other in the place we met - and a lot of the time around other people. We didn't strike up a conversation or interaction with the aim of trying to 'date' each other.

 

She has directly told me that she would like to hang out with me and see where our interaction leads. I have little reason to think or believe that she is playing a game with me, neither do I think she is trying to lead me on in any way.

 

I think that the nature of society now expects things to happen very quickly, but often times they don't. Her and I haven't been around each other in places that could have me trying to kiss her or have sex with her (consent, anyone?) - a library, a train, the street; where should I try to kiss her? In the middle of a busy rush hour train? No, I don't think so.

 

I wonder why it only seems to be LoveShack that offers this kind of advice. Very aggressive, forceful, ESCALATE BRO kiss her NOW type stuff.

 

No, we are not dating. I didn't say we were. I said I would like to try to get to know her more and see where this can lead. I would prefer to be someone's friend BEFORE being in a relationship with them. That way I can find out whether this person is right for me. She hasn't told me she isn't interested. She has clearly said she is and wants to take it slowly.

 

I would really like it if instead of replying with comments such as 'date other women' or commenting on whether she's playing a game we just stick to the actual advice someone is asking for.

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The balance is that you're going to have to be cool with proceeding at a glacial pace. She's put you on notice that if you ask for more, she will run--so that means you slow your roll to a crawl.

 

Or

 

Casually date other women until this one thaws her procession out some.

 

There is nothing we can say about how she's proceeding because she's not here asking us for advice.

 

If you've got this handled with the way you're going to approach it, then problem solved.

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The balance is that you're going to have to be cool with proceeding at a glacial pace. She's put you on notice that if you ask for more, she will run--so that means you slow your roll to a crawl.

 

Or

 

Casually date other women until this one thaws her procession out some.

 

There is nothing we can say about how she's proceeding because she's not here asking us for advice.

 

Thank you for sticking to the topic. She has been very vocal about how pressure from others has made her feel, so yes, I'll have to slow right down.

 

No, of course; no-one except her knows how she's proceeding although she does loosen up when it's just her and I together, alone. I find out a lot from her when we are together.

 

My main charm on her seems to be my humour; I overheard her and her friend talking about another guy, and she said "he's attractive, but he doesn't make me laugh and he doesn't get my jokes, so no..." and she has told me that she hasn't laughed as much as she has with me in a long time. I understand from this and her behaviour around me when I'm making her laugh, that she is finding the humour attractive.

 

But anyway, I digress... thank you for that bit of advice, Kendahke.

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