Dating Partner Makes Tentative Plans

[henna83]

I've been dating this guy for 2-3 months and we are somewhat serious. But there is a huge hurdle he is a CEO of a tech startup and he has very little free time, so I don't see him too much anymore. The last 2 weeks he has been texting a lot less and I know he is busy with new clients and growing his company. I totally understand his career is important and want to be supportive of this. I just think it is hard sometimes cuz I don't get to see him a lot sometimes.

 

I called him Monday and invited him to a family event this summer and he was totally excited about going and I said I know timing isn't good right now but I still wanted to see where things went with us. I am dating other guys and want to keep my options open but I am really smitten by this guy. He has told me in June things will ease up with his business and he will have more time for this.

 

When I called him on Monday he also said he wants to come out near my house and hang out soon. I asked him on Tuesday what he was thinking and he said he wants to come out on Sat to do karaoke with me if his work schedule allowed it. I backed off to give him space and then yesterday afternoon I texted him a funny video. But he hasn't responded. Its Saturday and I haven't heard from him. What do you think I should do? Text him and asks what's up? I also thought he might have an emergency because his dad is sick and hopefully nothing happened to him. Just a thought.

 

He has always said no matter what happens he wants to always be friends with me cuz he thinks i am an awesome person and he will never not respond. Sometimes it may take him awhile due to work or an emergency but he will always be in my life.

 

What do you guys think I should do?

Edited March 24, 2018 by henna83
typo

[Versacehottie]

Honestly? I think you should have other plans tonight. If you teach him that he can leave you hanging, he will leave you hanging....and his respect for you and effort toward the relationship will go down. At a bare bones level there is a lack of courtesy that he hasn't let you know what is going on, which is ok perhaps between friends but not a guy who is intent on impressing you, which he should be. Anyway, allowing it would be an imbalance that is creeping into what you have already so don't allow it. No reason to be angry or hostile with him, that won't get your message across. Just have other plans. Be very clear to link the two events when you talk to him--whether it is before tonight or after. such as, "oh sorry, I didn't hear from you so I made other plans or did xyz". Good luck

 

*oh, be careful about making excuses or allowing excuses for his level of effort. I get it. Right now those sound like decent excuses in the scheme of dating excuses one can get for not progressing the relationship or being as available or being wishy washy. Take it for what it is. He has friend level time at the moment & maybe he shouldn't be getting gf behavior from you or that an awesome girl like you is sitting there waiting. Look out for yourself & keep dating the other guys & putting yourself first. It will save you lots of time and heartbreak. If he can't step up, he's not the right guy.

[TunaCat]

I'm confused, how can you be "somewhat serious" with this guy, but still dating others? And why invite him to a family event so far away if you are dating others?

[phineas]

I'm confused, how can you be "somewhat serious" with this guy, but still dating others? And why invite him to a family event so far away if you are dating others?

 

LOL!

This.

[Versacehottie]

I'm confused, how can you be "somewhat serious" with this guy, but still dating others? And why invite him to a family event so far away if you are dating others?

 

Yes agree with this. Showing too many cards when he hasn't done much in return. Gotta make it through tonight and the next week before thinking about 3-4 months away. I think this might be a turnoff for a guy that hadn't really made his mind up yet--I mean he hasn't even committed to tonight!!! I take it that he hasn't made up his mind yet about how or if dating you will proceed. See the little hints people leave: where you said that he said you will always be friends or something of that nature. He wouldn't be saying that if he is fully intending to proceed dating you. He is covering his bases and perhaps trying to let you down easy. Sorry I hope that it works out. I think you should pull back though, OP. And yes keep dating those other guys YOU cover your bases!!

[Flame Aura]

Sounds like he's not that into you to be honest.

 

All I read is excuses on his part. If he truly liked you he would find time in his 'busy schedule' (yea right) and not leave you dating other people as you could easily meet someone else you like.

 

The comment about will always want to be a friend just confirms it. No guy who was romantically interested in something long term would say that to a woman.

 

You should forget about him and meet someone who actually wants to be with you.

[winny]

Yeah he isn't into you.

He will string you along till you allow him to or till he meets someone he likes more.

So, move on.

[henna83]

Like breadcrumbing? I wish he hadn’t told me a couple weeks after meeting, he saw us in a relationship. I’m so upset with him. I’m tired of caring about him. I need to move on.

[henna83]

This is kind of piggybacking my last post about Tentative Plans with a Dating Partner.

 

I'm having so much trouble getting over this guy. I feel like I fell in love with him. I know its probably just me cuz I always get obsessed with a guy I feel a connection with. But I thought he really like me at the beginning. He said he couldn't stop think about me, liked the way I think, liked me better and better with every text. Said he saw us in a relationship. I know actions speak louder than words. My head is saying this guy hasn't proved he is good enough for you and he hasn't earned me yet. Why am I so smitten by him?

 

The last few weeks he has been really distant when he always use to text me first in the morning. I know he is busy running his company like 90 hour weeks but everybody tells me if he really wanted to be with me like he first said he would make it happen. A week or two ago when I stopped caring about him he suddenly texted me after 3 days. Now its been 4 days no text and its driving me crazy. I was silly and invited him to family events in the summer. We are not official yet so why did i do something stupid like that just as an excuse to talk to him on the phone and reassure myself he likes me.

 

I know the thing to do is block and delete his number but I don't have the heart to do that. I am dating other guys but this is so hard. I am worried some emergency happened to him.

 

I know what everyone will say do things with friends, find new hobbies, keep busy, date other guys etc to move on. I don't care I just need to hear it from ppl so I can do it.

 

Any other recommendations?

[LB2016]

If this is your first “round” with him of this happening, then maybe throw a “hey is everything ok Bc I haven’t heard from you” text to him if it’s really bothering you. Then you can proceed based on his response and actions after.

 

I don’t think you necessarily HAVE to jump to the cutting him and blocking him thing now. You have to do what is best and feels right to you- not what’s good for everyone else. If you truly feel he’s screwing around though- then that’s a different story. Again- do what’s best for YOU.

[Versacehottie]

This is kind of piggybacking my last post about Tentative Plans with a Dating Partner.

 

I'm having so much trouble getting over this guy. I feel like I fell in love with him. I know its probably just me cuz I always get obsessed with a guy I feel a connection with. But I thought he really like me at the beginning. He said he couldn't stop think about me, liked the way I think, liked me better and better with every text. Said he saw us in a relationship. I know actions speak louder than words. My head is saying this guy hasn't proved he is good enough for you and he hasn't earned me yet. Why am I so smitten by him?

 

The last few weeks he has been really distant when he always use to text me first in the morning. I know he is busy running his company like 90 hour weeks but everybody tells me if he really wanted to be with me like he first said he would make it happen. A week or two ago when I stopped caring about him he suddenly texted me after 3 days. Now its been 4 days no text and its driving me crazy. I was silly and invited him to family events in the summer. We are not official yet so why did i do something stupid like that just as an excuse to talk to him on the phone and reassure myself he likes me.

 

I know the thing to do is block and delete his number but I don't have the heart to do that. I am dating other guys but this is so hard. I am worried some emergency happened to him.

 

I know what everyone will say do things with friends, find new hobbies, keep busy, date other guys etc to move on. I don't care I just need to hear it from ppl so I can do it.

 

Any other recommendations?

 

First, I'm sorry. I know it's not the easiest. First of all, you need to be kind to yourself. And you don't need to "do" anything immediately regarding this guy. That's the part that keeps you hooked in: the feeling that you need to move this relationship one way or another and kind of feeds what is going on in your brain. Listen, he's not in a hurry to define anything so the "need" to do anything isn't coming up anytime soon. Part of the reason it hurts or you get obsessed is because he is showing you some indifference (hence why you need an answer or to push things forward, etc). I think it will help you to get to some zone of indifference and take your emotions out of it. Hating or loving, and all the strong emotions, keep you connected to this and unable to move on.

 

About worrying about emergencies. Let's be real here. I have a ton of people in my life (and am the type that would get those calls), you know how often "emergencies" come up? Barely ever. If he doesn't have any health or mental issues, I doubt he is going to have an emergency. Even if he does, i don't think he views things the same as you do where he will reach out to you (sorry!). And really so what? You want to be his gf, not his crutch.

 

Yes to the bolded! That's what you should do! And be kind to yourself. You might not feel like being go-go-go all the time or that it is just a mask and you aren't really into it. Some days or hours you will just need to pull back and do introverted things to care for yourself. Although this was short-lived, if you feel like you love him and are that invested getting over it is much the same as a solid relationship. You "lost" yourself in him and what you hoped it could be with him so you need to get that out of your system. In a way you have to accept that it hurts but do things that will help you move on. I also think a smart thing to do is study other people and other relationships. You can learn things from other couples, such as a level of effort that was put in by a bf at the beginning and the give & take there, especially if you see it as a pattern over many couples. Also usually there is a pattern with girls that continually have success with guys and ones that continually don't. So study up on that too.

 

Lastly feeling like he is one of the few guys you will have a connection with is a thought process that limits you and will keep you bonded to someone that is either not reciprocating or may not be very good to you. So get out of that thinking. If you meet enough people, you will meet others that you will connect with. You should definitely invest in yourself. This sounds a LITTLE cruel but since you are going out with other guys right now, use those opportunities (not to USE the guys) but to experiment with a different dynamic when dating. When you use the word obsessed (lol) it kind of indicates to me that you are all the way on or all the way off about a guy. Which actually puts you in a non-power position before you really "know" a guy. Such as this guy, if you decided you love him or close to, you already have put yourself in a position where he must "choose" you and people usually try too hard etc in that position--plus you skip over real world red flags when you do that. I mean maybe if you want a bf to spend time with you, a guy that works 90 hours a week isn't the best choice?

 

So let's say you approach the other guys you are dating with a touch of indifference, like needing them to prove that they are worthy of being in your life. That's a good learning lesson. It's hard to do that when you really really like someone, but I do think you (and girls in general) need to be able to fall back on that kind of thinking to be successful with guys. Universally, some of the most successful in dating girls I have seen, have this attitude. It's basically needing a guy to prove and continue to prove he deserves to be in your life, like "impress me". Not "hard to get"--there's a difference. And universally, almost all the guys I know & stories I know come back to that theme, where a guy falls in love with the girl that is not easily impressed and says "she makes me a better man or something to that effect". I'm not explaining it well but yeah learn how to put yourself on equal ground--like you haven't made your mind up yet (because you truly haven't). This takes some practice if it's not in your nature. So focus on yourself--however that is. Take the pressure of dating OFF yourself. do it for fun and learn about yourself in the meantime. Sometimes if you've got dating on the mind in this period getting over him it will be too much. You've got to push forward for those lessons and meeting new guys when you can deal and when you can't drop back to your other stuff. You should put all sorts of emphasis on your other stuff as that will make you more attractive to most guys. Good luck

[Highndry]

Somebody working 90 hour weeks does not have the time required for a relationship. They'll likely be in the grave in 10 years, too.

[hercules22]

yeah 90 hours a week to much it hard to spare time especially when u also factor in travel time to get to work aswell and get back home

 

i used to work 60 hour weeks the supervisors were doing 90 plus some over 100 hours pretty much 16 hour days doesnt leave much time lol

[newyorker11356]

90+ hours of work week in and week out???

 

Yeah, I wouldn't assume it's because he's not into you, but that he REALLY doesn't have any time to date. How could he?

[henna83]

If this is your first “round” with him of this happening, then maybe throw a “hey is everything ok Bc I haven’t heard from you” text to him if it’s really bothering you. Then you can proceed based on his response and actions after.

 

I don’t think you necessarily HAVE to jump to the cutting him and blocking him thing now. You have to do what is best and feels right to you- not what’s good for everyone else. If you truly feel he’s screwing around though- then that’s a different story. Again- do what’s best for YOU.

 

I want to reach out to him and make sure everything is ok, since his Dad is pretty sick and I know if he had an emergency he would reach out to me. As crappy as it seems him saying I am in his life no matter (being friends) what has made me feel better with him being so busy. I don't know what to do. Obviously if he is uninterested at this point, reaching out to him to make sure he is ok won't matter at this point.

[kendahke]

He has always said no matter what happens he wants to always be friends with me cuz he thinks i am an awesome person and he will never not respond.

That's a hook that he has placed firmly in your cheek. Nothing more.

 

Whenever someone starts a statement saying "no matter what happens", there is another shoe that's going to drop on your head eventually.

 

What could possibly happen where the phrase "no matter what happens" comes into play? I mean, when I hear that line in a movie, someone is being locked in a room and told to stay there because something that could harm them is on the other side of the door.

 

It would appear that he will not respond. No one is so busy that they can't shoot back a "haven't forgotten about you--will be in touch soon" text. That took less than :30 to write.

 

He's too busy to maintain anything with you and you'd be best served to dial back the smittenness and focus it on someone else who you're dating.

[lavenderandvelvet]

If he is in the middle of fundraising for his company, and closing a round imminently I can believe he is super busy. Otherwise it sounds like he really doesn't have time for the sort of relationship you are looking for right now.

[act00]

It's beyond me why people embark on relationships when they are in no position to dedicate the time required, but maybe it seemed like a good idea at the time or life just unraveled. I don't know that you need to pull a full split on this guy...I mean, things in his life could slow down...but the reality is, if you have the opportunity to give it a try the second time, the second time rarely works out any different than the first. He wants companionship when it suits him, and just keep you waiting in the wings the rest of the time. There will always be other obligations. This has been my experience. You can enjoy his company when he decides he has the time and live your life the rest of the time, or do a full split, or just accept this one is over. If you continue to "obsess" and worry about this guy, it's best to let him go. He probably will reach out in a week or so or a couple months, and you'll get all excited and gooey and decide to try again...and be met with the same. It's up to you to take that chance, as you never know if it will work out different, but he really hasn't treated you the best so far, and do you really want that?

 

With the "no matter what happens" comment...yeah, he's just setting you up for this busy lifestyle and he's not going to be around...an excuse to hopefully keep you around. There's no doubt he likes you, but he likes you only when he doesn't have other things to do.

[kendahke]

OP, I guess you have to figure out if you want to be an "on call freelance" girlfriend because if he's that busy, then that means he only wants to deal with you when he has need of you. What you want/need doesn't enter into anything with him.