How long do you give it for a date to happen?

[nick77lawson]

I have been talking to this one girl and about 3 weeks ago I said we should go on a date and she agreed but she said she would have to find time

 

She works 50 hours a week and has a kid.

 

We are planning on going to a paint night event in a few weeks if she can get the night off (her job is understaffed) but it's mot a guarantee

 

I don't want to make abig deal out of it because I know i'm not her biggest priority and i just need to be mature and wait for a night to open up but how long should I giev it before I just give up?

[PegNosePete]

She is a time vampire. If they won't meet you within a week, NEXT.

[PRW]

I have been talking to this one girl and about 3 weeks ago I said we should go on a date and she agreed but she said she would have to find time

 

Saying, "we should go on a date" is not asking someone out. It is basically saying "Look, the sky is blue". Offer a date (not ask,...offer) early in a week like around Monday or Tues and set the date for the upcoming weekend. You must present a specific day/time/place. No wishy-washy fuzzy dates. Never, ever agree to a "maybe" date.

 

We are planning on going to a paint night event in a few weeks if she can get the night off (her job is understaffed) but it's mot a guarantee

 

That is a maybe date. Not good. If she wanted to go she would have checked her work schedule and would already know if she has the time off, or asked at work to get the time off. She has left her work schedule a "maybe" because it is a "maybe" date. Never do "maybe" dates.

 

I don't want to make abig deal out of it because I know i'm not her biggest priority and i just need to be mature and wait for a night to open up but how long should I giev it before I just give up?

 

Let me translate how a woman would interpret that statement if you were to write it to her:

 

"Please please go out with me, please. I'm not worth being a priority and I'm certainly not going to be a big deal for you, and I'm kinda immature, but it you could somehow just fit me in to your busy schedule somewhere I would really like that".

Obviously that is not the kind of vibe you want to present to a woman. You need to present yourself as someone who knows you are worth it and that any sensible woman would want to go out with you, and if she does she is going to have a great time.

 

Below is an outline that I give guys to use as a framework for the early dating stage. It is a framework to keep guys from going off the rails and creating a train wreck,...and then coming back to the forum to ask how to rescue the situation.

 

Early Dating Outline for Guys

 

Phase One – a few weeks to a month long

 

1. Guy offers a girl a specific date once a week and sets the date for a week away. You are making her and offer, present it that way like you know what you are doing. Plan it out ahead of time so you already know what you are offering. A good pattern is ask on Monday or Tues for a weekend date. No “fuzzy” dates! She needs a specific time/day/place. If you hit a day she can’t do it and she actually wants to spend time with you she will give you a counter offer or at least let you know in some way that it is ok to try again later. If she does neither of those then she probably isn’t into you. A compromise option would be to ask her when she is free to get together then offer a specific time/day/place.

 

2. No chit-chatting, texting/calling between setting the date and arriving on the date. This is important to build anticipation for the date so both parties are excited to see each other when they arrive. It demonstrates integrity of both parties when they actually show up for the date without needing to be reassuring each other leading up to it. It eliminates either party from saying something stupid in a text or phone call to weaken the other’s attraction to them before they even make it to the date or maybe causing the date to be canceled or at minimum cause the other to be half-hearted about it. It is needy, insecure, and impatient people on both sides that think they need to chit-chat leading up to the date or the other one might forget about them and not show up.

 

3. No expensive dates, no exuberant dates, no long trips, no weekend trips, no vacation trips, no meeting family/friends. Guy pays for the date. Get over it. Maybe the woman can pick up the tip if she wants. Guys, keep it happy, fun, and light hearted. No heavy subjects. Guys, what a woman remembers about a date are different than you remember. She remembers how you made her feel. So make sure she always thinks of happy feelings and fun when she thinks of you.

 

4. Do not bring of any labels what-so-ever, such as boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, marriage, love, or anything else along those lines. At this point you are not her boyfriend and she is not your girlfriend. That is her job to bring that stuff up when she is ready,…not your job, you suck at it, so forget it. You both still need to understand that you have the freedom to see other people at the same time, even if you don’t choose to act on it,…it is a frame of mind you both need to have.

 

5. Rinse and repeat, over and over each week or so, but not more than once a week at this early point. Show some discipline and that you aren’t still in high school.

 

Phase Two – a few more weeks long to a couple months

 

1. After a few weeks if you haven’t made mistakes the woman will start to contact you in between the dates. Be smart enough to know that this is your cue to set the next date. This shifts some of the power over to the woman. Before the guy did all the chasing and setting the date. But now the dates happen each time the woman contacts you which gives her control of the frequency. You are both now sharing in the process. This means to an extent that the dates are her idea and it also means that you may now potentially see each other more than once a week. But don’t get carried away, still show some discipline. The rest of this phase is about the same as Phase One.

 

2. Minimal chit-chatting, texting/calling between setting the date and arriving on the date.

 

3. No expensive dates, no exuberant dates, no long trips, no weekend trips, no vacation trips, no meeting family/friends. Guy pays for the date. Get over it. Maybe the woman can pick up the tip if she wants. Guys, keep it happy, fun, and light hearted. No heavy subjects. Guys, what a woman remembers about a date are different than you remember. She remembers how you made her feel. So make sure she always thinks of happy feelings and fun when she thinks of you.

4. Do not bring of any labels what-so-ever, such as boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, marriage, love, or anything else along those lines. At this point you are not her boyfriend and she is not your girlfriend. That is her job to bring that stuff up when she is ready,…not your job, you suck at it, so forget it. You both still need to understand that you have the freedom to see other people at the same time, even if you don’t choose to act on it,…it is a frame of mind you both need to have.

 

Phase 3 – Lasts until you breakup, co-habitate, get married, or she runs over you with the car

 

If you haven’t made a bunch of mistakes and screwed things up yet, at around 7-8 weeks (may be longer if you made mistakes) the woman may bring of the exclusivity conversation. She may be vague and coy about it, so you might have to pick her brain a little to be sure if that is what she is saying she wants. If that is what she wants, and if you agree to it then you are now finally boyfriend/girlfriend and will need to drop off any others that you both may be seeing.

[kendahke]

Give her a date and time to meet you.

 

If she can't arrange that by switching shifts with someone, then I'd move her to the friendzone and start looking for someone else whose time isn't taken up by her life decisions.

 

For me, if no confirmed first meeting plans have been made by the end of the first week, then I lose interest and move on. I'm not interested in being an electronic pen pal.

 

 

 

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[smackie9]

When they have to find the time, then either they are not really interested or she is literally too busy. Now what does that tell you? She can't have a relationship that will meet your expectations. Ditch her.

 

Next girl, you have a few messages and then ask to meet up for coffee. YOU DO NOT chat with them for weeks. A woman pretty much knows very quickly if she wants to meet you. You should never invest so much in someone like her. Your goal is to get a date, so show confidence and ask her out in a day or two. You get in and then get out, onto the next one.

[newyorker11356]

Like Smackie said, she's either not that interested, or legitimately that busy (or both). Either way, she can't/won't give you what you need.

 

Also, PRW's outline is actually VERY good. Granted, I'm not necessarily THAT rigid in my approach, and I disagree with a couple of things (mainly no contacting in phase 1 between setting the date and going on it, SOME chit-chat is fine), but it's a good outline to follow.

Edited March 23, 2018 by newyorker11356

[PRW]

Also, PRW's outline is actually VERY good. Granted, I'm not necessarily THAT rigid in my approach,

 

Yea, it is rigid. But it is a guide, not a prison warden. Also keep in mind the intended audience,...it is for the "dating cripples" out there that would just go out of control if they didn't have any kind of boundary. If a guy is good with women and competent at dating then he doesn't need it.

 

and I disagree with a couple of things (mainly no contacting in phase 1 between setting the date and going on it, SOME chit-chat is fine), but it's a good outline to follow.

 

You might disagree for now, but you'll come around eventually

 

People miss the point that it is not "for life",...it is for that early period before she is comfortable with the guy and figures out his intentions. Also if you look closely it is no more than a period of 3-4 days, in the second phase the dates are closer together so it is only 1-2 days . If someone is too needy and insecure to go 3-4 days without reassurance and validation than you want to know that now,...not 3 months into it. So it wasn't a random thing put in there, it has a reason and a logic behind it

[newyorker11356]

Yea, it is rigid. But it is a guide, not a prison warden. Also keep in mind the intended audience,...it is for the "dating cripples" out there that would just go out of control if they didn't have any kind of boundary. If a guy is good with women and competent at dating then he doesn't need it.

 

 

 

You might disagree for now, but you'll come around eventually

 

People miss the point that it is not "for life",...it is for that early period before she is comfortable with the guy and figures out his intentions. Also if you look closely it is no more than a period of 3-4 days, in the second phase the dates are closer together so it is only 1-2 days . If someone is too needy and insecure to go 3-4 days without reassurance and validation than you want to know that now,...not 3 months into it. So it wasn't a random thing put in there, it has a reason and a logic behind it

 

I'm just mainly going off my experience. I've generally kept contact in-between dates (or leading up to it), and it's never hindered me. Maybe I just do a good job of having a good balance to it, and mirroring the woman's communication actions. Sometimes, they're the ones that hit me up when it's been hours, or maybe even a day.

[PRW]

I'm just mainly going off my experience. I've generally kept contact in-between dates (or leading up to it), and it's never hindered me. Maybe I just do a good job of having a good balance to it, and mirroring the woman's communication actions. Sometimes, they're the ones that hit me up when it's been hours, or maybe even a day.

 

Then I would give that a thumbs up! Especially when it is in response to them reaching out.

[preraph]

If it is bothering you waiting because she is too busy to date, then you have to just accept she's too busy to date. Just because you go on a date with her doesn't mean she will then have MORE time to date. She is probably literally too busy to have a relationship.

 

My best friend has 2 kids, one in school, one who is still livng at home, and a husband. She is a teacher. We are best friends. She is too busy many nights to even read her email and texts. We see each other mainly when she is on spring break, other breaks, and some holidays, and she'll reserve a day for us to get together. It's the only spare time she has. Being too busy when you work and/or have kids is a reality.

Edited March 23, 2018 by preraph