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Another one of these dates


ZA Dater

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Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

 

 

I tear the metaphorical rule book up and decide to change everything. No more water, lighter topics of conversation, try be funny and try present something else and yet....

 

 

The results remain the same. Admittedly there was a fairly large age difference here and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way she looks, heads turn and yet I just didn't feel anything at all.

 

 

Conversation was ok but nothing that really engaged me to any extent, she was nice enough but I didn't feel that interested and eventually I asked myself why I was sitting there drinking a chocolate milkshake (had to add that for benefit of the forum).

 

 

What really was the point of it all?

 

 

She didn't fit into my life at all but that doesn't stop her being a nice person, its hard to run someone down and its just plain wrong but again I am asking what I was hoping to accomplish here.

 

 

It seems to me its just more and more difficult for me to find people who engage with me and stimulate me intellectually, maybe I am changing and maybe my viewpoints are changing.

 

 

This time I decided to employ some of the body language learning and see if that made any tangible difference.

 

 

The problem is as always I just don't feel like these people are actually interested, they don't engage with me in any meaningful way.

 

 

So my question is this, go on an extended break from meet ups like this or look for something else, change my criteria?

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Happy Lemming

So... You struck out again... Welcome to the club.

 

Every guy out there has been on dates and dates and dates and it not turn into anything. I can't tell you how many women I went out with where it was a 1-2 date thing and they didn't want to see me again. That didn't stop me from going to the next woman and trying to date her. Every guy out there has hit a "dry spell", but we just keep trying.

 

The point of it all... is the "human experience". We live life, go on dates, strike out, etc. as part of the "human experience"

 

Did Ty Cobb hit a home run every time he went up to bat?? No, his lifetime batting average was .366.

 

So why do you think every date is going to be a success story??

 

If you want to take a break from "meetups" then do that, but talk to women in "real life". Practice "breaking the ice" with total strangers at the mall, book store, grocery store, where ever you go.

 

Blue skies...

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mortensorchid

We've all been there. If there was an answer, I would tell you what the answer is, but I don't have it. Just keep moving forward, it's all you can do.

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Do you take all your first dates this hard? Lighten up! If dating were easy we’d all be married by 25. There are millions of combinations of people..of course it’s going to take a while for the right two to meet.

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Do you take all your first dates this hard? Lighten up! If dating were easy we’d all be married by 25. There are millions of combinations of people..of course it’s going to take a while for the right two to meet.

 

 

 

When you are nearly 34 and every date has been like that yeh, you tend to get a hint after a while.

 

 

I think its safe to assume most have had some relationship experience by said age.

 

 

Really not sure what went wrong on this date to be honest.

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Happy Lemming

Really not sure what went wrong on this date to be honest.

 

Can you provide a little more background about how you met this person??

 

How big an age difference are we talking about??

 

Can you elaborate about what you want as far as "intellectual stimulation"?? Are you looking for a PHD?? Philosopher?? Science Teacher?? Librarian??

 

How deep/engaging a conversation are you expecting on a first date?? Quantum Theory??

 

I'm a little confused??

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Can you provide a little more background about how you met this person??

 

How big an age difference are we talking about??

 

Can you elaborate about what you want as far as "intellectual stimulation"?? Are you looking for a PHD?? Philosopher?? Science Teacher?? Librarian??

 

How deep/engaging a conversation are you expecting on a first date?? Quantum Theory??

 

I'm a little confused??

 

 

 

21 her

33 me

 

 

I am just looking for someone interesting to be honest she was very nice but completely uninteresting. People either seem to grab me or they don't and the ratio is very poor and getting worse if I am honest.

 

 

I met her on a dating site.

 

 

The whole thing is becoming very problematic for me in that every time I find someone who does interest me they are never ever single.

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TheFinalWord
21 her

33 me

 

 

I am just looking for someone interesting to be honest she was very nice but completely uninteresting. People either seem to grab me or they don't and the ratio is very poor and getting worse if I am honest.

 

 

I met her on a dating site.

 

 

The whole thing is becoming very problematic for me in that every time I find someone who does interest me they are never ever single.

 

Well, I'll bite.

 

That's a pretty big age difference. At 21, she has no real life experience. You're basically dating a teenager. I can't imagine a girl at that age being interesting.

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Well, I'll bite.

 

That's a pretty big age difference. At 21, she has no real life experience. You're basically dating a teenager. I can't imagine a girl at that age being interesting.

 

 

 

Yes I tend to agree, I have tried a variety of ages and with a few exceptions (usually those who aren't single or aren't interested) none seem to really interest me at all.

 

 

It tough to find any sort of value in dating for me, I have a better time with a friend of mine than I do on any of these dates, at least there I do get stimulated and actually enjoy spending time with her.

 

 

I go and date the single moms in their 30s and there isn't much interest there either for me. The happy medium is the career lady who has an interesting job but these are always taken, unless they aren't physically attractive.

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21 her

33 me

 

Well.. that is your issue with connection...

 

She just became legal and should be in school....

 

IMO, just too young for that connection.. attraction wise she isn't too young for that but if you wanted anything meaningful which it sounds like you did you just went too young.

 

I always had 10 year rule in my later dating years...but only dated 10 years younger once.. and it was terrible

 

I also feel like if you grow up watching a totally different set of cartoons then you won't have anything in common in the long haul.

 

Cartoons is your answer :laugh:

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ZA, if intellectual stimulation is so important to you, then I for the life of me just cannot see why you keep insisting on trying to date the 20-somethings off Tinder. :confused:

 

I mean, every single time on that site you keep making contact w women where it is clear from the start that it is mutually a bad fit. You seem to think your date is intellectually dull, and your date in turn seems to think you're a square because you don't drink nor party. Every single time!

 

Surely there are better places to meet someone who is more of what you are looking for. There HAS to be.

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You seem to think your date is intellectually dull, and your date in turn seems to think you're a square because you don't drink nor party. Every single time!

 

It's definitely a pattern, almost a self-fulfilling prophecy...

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For a start , throw out the ridiculously pretentious things your trying to be and not to be and this and damn that.

What the hell is it with all that crap everyone talks about in these places, how can you even get along with somebody in the first place if you aren't even you.

 

And as far as intellectual stuff goes why don't you just stick to very well educated women , go for people with degrees and things , and interests similar to yours.

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For a start , throw out the ridiculously pretentious things your trying to be and not to be and this and damn that.

What the hell is it with all that crap everyone talks about in these places, how can you even get along with somebody in the first place if you aren't even you.

 

And as far as intellectual stuff goes why don't you just stick to very well educated women , go for people with degrees and things , and interests similar to yours.

 

 

Virtually impossible to find single people so I try and force myself into situations like this in the hope I might actually enjoy them, the old thing of something being better than nothing....excepting when nothing is better than something.

 

 

I just think I have been moulded a particular way with particular likes which are just incredibly hard to find/virtually impossible to find.

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ZA, if intellectual stimulation is so important to you, then I for the life of me just cannot see why you keep insisting on trying to date the 20-somethings off Tinder. :confused:

 

I mean, every single time on that site you keep making contact w women where it is clear from the start that it is mutually a bad fit. You seem to think your date is intellectually dull, and your date in turn seems to think you're a square because you don't drink nor party. Every single time!

 

Surely there are better places to meet someone who is more of what you are looking for. There HAS to be.

 

 

I wish I knew where. What I am looking for is exceedingly rare, honestly in all my years I have only met 2 maybe 3 people who were what I really wanted. Most of the time I just try and heavily compromise in the hope I might find something I like on some sort of level.

 

 

And when you feel as lonely as I do most of the time it doesn't help because you just end doing what I did here, going out with anyone in hope of feeling a little less lonely.

 

 

 

I have had zero success with any other dating platform so...

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Virtually impossible to find single people so I try and force myself into situations like this in the hope I might actually enjoy them, the old thing of something being better than nothing....

 

I just think I have been moulded a particular way with particular likes which are just incredibly hard to find/virtually impossible to find.

 

My friend, you are no different than anyone else. There is no guarantee that anyone will find a partner in this life.

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Why are you trying to date a 21 year old? What could you possibly have in common with her?

 

 

 

As mentioned I have nothing in common with anyone really so anything is worth a chance I suppose.

 

 

The flip side is she didn't really like me either which is no great surprise again because nobody seems to at any level unless they want something from me.

 

 

Just been a horrible week all in all and this was just the icing on a decidedly stale cake.

 

 

Maybe next week will be better but I am starting to feel this loneliness eating into me again which isn't a good thing.

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My friend, you are no different than anyone else. There is no guarantee that anyone will find a partner in this life.

 

 

 

I guess not, if I were me I wouldn't be betting on my own odds.

 

 

Just extremely irritating when I look around at the guys who do have gfs and can get dates they actually want and what they have to offer, which in some instances is absolutely nothing at all, yet.

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littleblackheart
I guess not, if I were me I wouldn't be betting on my own odds.

 

 

Just extremely irritating when I look around at the guys who do have gfs and can get dates they actually want and what they have to offer, which in some instances is absolutely nothing at all, yet.

 

What forms of support do you have in your life, other than LS?

 

I'm asking because you seem to have a very bad opinion of yourself, that you are justifying with your lack of 'success' with women. The way you post here suggests you have a compulsive focus of attention on thoughts that cause you to have negative feeling about yourself, almost like depressive rumination.

 

This can't be healthy for you and honestly, it's difficult to know how this forum can help you in concrete terms (I mean beyond offering empathy and support, and a release for you).

 

I really, really think you should talk about it with a qualified person; for your sake, you shouldn't stay in this negative loop for too long.

 

There are cognitive therapies that can help you shift your mindset and keep your focus on more positive emotions. How about trying this out, see if they have an effect on you? I really think it'd be worth exploring.

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What forms of support do you have in your life, other than LS?

 

I'm asking because you seem to have a very bad opinion of yourself, that you are justifying with your lack of 'success' with women. The way you post here suggests you have a compulsive focus of attention on thoughts that cause you to have negative feeling about yourself, almost like depressive rumination.

 

This can't be healthy for you and honestly, it's difficult to know how this forum can help you in concrete terms (I mean beyond offering empathy and support, and a release for you).

 

I really, really think you should talk about it with a qualified person; for your sake, you shouldn't stay in this negative loop for too long.

 

There are cognitive therapies that can help you shift your mindset and keep your focus on more positive emotions. How about trying this out, see if they have an effect on you? I really think it'd be worth exploring.

 

Sure there are lots of positive things but many are wiped out when you spend almost all of your time alone.

 

Life is results driven, if you don't get the results you want it's good to try and understand why, as the common person here is me it's easy to say I must be the problem. It's introspection really.

 

It's also always me showing interest and never vice versa.

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I guess not, if I were me I wouldn't be betting on my own odds.

 

 

Just extremely irritating when I look around at the guys who do have gfs and can get dates they actually want and what they have to offer, which in some instances is absolutely nothing at all, yet.

 

Just because people don’t meet your ridiculously high standards does not mean that they have nothing to offer anyone else.

 

It sounds like you simply judge people far too harshly and are looking for 100% perfection. That’s fine, you’re entitled to want what you want, but if you’re expecting to actually find it then I’m afraid you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.

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Just because people don’t meet your ridiculously high standards does not mean that they have nothing to offer anyone else.

 

It sounds like you simply judge people far too harshly and are looking for 100% perfection. That’s fine, you’re entitled to want what you want, but if you’re expecting to actually find it then I’m afraid you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.

 

 

 

I disagree but then I am allowed to do that. Frankly most people disappoint me anyway.

 

 

As for my standards if they were so high I would not meet anyone that meets them, the fact I have met some suggests they are attainable just not for me but for others.

 

 

But as someone said we aren't all created equal, some find people, others spend a life time chasing or you simply live vicariously.

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littleblackheart
Sure there are lots of positive things but many are wiped out when you spend almost all of your time alone.

 

Life is results driven, if you don't get the results you want it's good to try and understand why, as the common person here is me it's easy to say I must be the problem. It's introspection really.

 

It's also always me showing interest and never vice versa.

 

Of course introspection is a good thing, but too much of it can become obsessive.

 

At this point, I'm not convinced that 'straight talking' or giving you dating tips would be of any assistance. I don't think your standards are high, fwiw, and women who meet them are out there.

 

I really hear you on how frustrating your situation must feel for you; it can't be easy to be dealing with these feelings on your own.

 

Life isn't results driven (the end result is the same for us all anyway :) ); I know how trite and futile it must sound to you, but it really is mostly in your mindset.

 

If you can shift it to dwelling on all the positive things you are achieving, you'll be making this journey a little less painful for yourself. It is hard work though, and it would mean breaking the habits of a lifetime but with the right support, there's no reason why you can't do it.

 

Other than that, just keep trying.

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Of course introspection is a good thing, but too much of it can become obsessive.

 

At this point, I'm not convinced that 'straight talking' or giving you dating tips would be of any assistance. I don't think your standards are high, fwiw, and women who meet them are out there.

 

I really hear you on how frustrating your situation must feel for you; it can't be easy to be dealing with these feelings on your own.

 

Life isn't results driven (the end result is the same for us all anyway :) ); I know how trite and futile it must sound to you, but it really is mostly in your mindset.

 

If you can shift it to dwelling on all the positive things you are achieving, you'll be making this journey a little less painful for yourself. It is hard work though, and it would mean breaking the habits of a lifetime but with the right support, there's no reason why you can't do it.

 

Other than that, just keep trying.

 

 

 

Thank you for the encouragement!

 

 

Every year it gets near to my birthday and I end up feeling the same, everyone around me is taken, nobody is single, people are married, kids and I cannot even find one date. I have a black tie dinner to go to, guess I am going on my own as I do every year and I end up having to answer the same questions every year.

 

 

The positive pretty much disappears because I have nobody to share any of this with. Not talking materially but just someone to talk to. I hide all this very well but it does become a bit much at times, more so when I go on these pointless dates.

 

 

I try to compromise but its Friday night and where I am sitting...at home. None of the people I have ever wanted have wanted me, which sounds like a sympathy ploy but its the truth, I spent years chasing to be kicked in the teeth because apparently I didn't match up to some guy who is apparently better, I have never ever been able to ascertain what made these people better exactly, especially because by and large they couldn't care less about there GF's based on the amount of time I was the emotional crutch.

 

 

I'll try get some sleep but that's quite hard to find these days.

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