norudder Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 (edited) [] Had a first date last week with a man, good conversation, turned into 3 hours of talking over beer at a cultural festival. He's 41, divorced dad. Kiss at end was nice, passionate but that was all. Second date last night. Kiss mid conversation at dinner, then again walking me to car. But, then he did this. I was wearing a sweater mini dress with wool tights and boots. It's cold out. As we kiss, he lifts my dress to put his hand *inside* my tights to grab my butt. It's not like it's summer and I'm in a sundress where he can be subtle, my bare ass skin was exposed to the cold air, it's dusk not dark and we are on a public sidewalk, not a trail in the woods or something. I understand a grope but it was more than that. I stopped and said what are you doing, we are in the middle of the street. He apologized for getting carried away, hoped it wasn't too much, couldn't help himself etc etc. He said he enjoys being a little exhibitionist now and then. It just seemed too aggressive for a second date to me without any discussion or considering if I would be comfortable. It's a pass for me but wondering what other's thoughts were and if any of you would be NBD about it. Edited March 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit title and add paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 People will offer a lot of different opinions, I imagine. There are folks who'll have sex on the first date, and a few others who'll only kiss until they marry. Some folks are reserved in public, others are all about public sex. It seems overly forward to me, but the most important thing is how you feel about it. Whatever it is, you're not wrong. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhusband0005 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 So what bothered you the most, the hand in the tights, or that he exposed you in public. If you feel his apology was sincere I would chalk it up to, an now he knows. I think lifting the skirt in public is a bit over the top on a second date without knowing you well enough to know if you into that. My wife can be an exhibitionist some times but not often so I would never do this with her unless I was sure she was in one of those moods. If he shows more inconsiderate behavior in the future I would view that as a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I love PDA and have been known to get a little freaky in public BUT there is a time and place and a way of doing it that keeps you from getting arrested or making fools of yourselves. And it all starts with consent. I agree, for me at least, sticking his hands down your tights in the middle of the street on the second date comes off a big too aggressive especially if you haven't had any kind of sex talk previously. Bottom line is, if YOU'RE not comfortable with it that's all that matters. Question for you - Are you opposed to his taste for exhibitionism or just that it was too soon and unexpected? If you are not into that kind of thing, he may prove to be more of a problem for you and you may run the risk of him losing interest if you're not willing to go toe to toe with him. Before you get to that point tho, perhaps an open and honest conversation about sexual likes and dislikes needs to be had if only to see if you're reading from the same book never mind the same page. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I mean, nothing says "sex is all I'm after" like getting under your underwear in public on the first date and then using "I'm an exhibitionist" as an excuse. Sounds like he was hoping to get it done right there on the street. I bet he's married and was in a hurry to see if he could get it done in one and get home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I don't think I would have been as nice as you about it. Even if it was summer and no one was around--on the second date and he's lifting my dress and putting his hands inside my tights and pulling them down? Oh, hayell no. I don't care how good looking he may be... I'm not a #pickme kind of gal... Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 (edited) Oh Come'on!! The guy was out of control and out of line. There are serious character issues here, not in just that he did it, but did it under the total assumption that your were OK with it!! He hoped it wasn't too much?!! Couldn't help himself?!! Likes to be an exhibitionist?!! When people tell you what they are like,....Believe them! Pay $50 buck for a background check from the police. Has he "done time"? A rapist? Personally I wouldn't even need to go that far. He would be done. Is this the kind of guy you want to have his babies? Want him raising your kids? You have a daughter with him and when she's 16-17 he does something similar to her and says, "Sorry, was that too much? I couldn't help it. I just like them young sometimes." Edited March 22, 2018 by PRW 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 For me personally, the boundary is this is a first date with someone you don't know at all, so it was out of bounds. Now, it's some guy you've known for awhile and already intimate with, to each his own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 He's not married, I know that. Nothing wrong with first date hookups IF both are on same page, but.... I do believe the message clearly conveys sex is a priority over getting to know me and what I'm looking for. The bothersome part to me, more than the action, was the seeming lack of accountability about it as someone said, and lack of consideration. That's a character trait imo. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 The bothersome part to me, more than the action, was the seeming lack of accountability about it as someone said, and lack of consideration. That's a character trait imo. You are right about that... and I think that aspect more than that act is way more troubling. As a guy, I would never pull that move in public, ever. I am guilty of an A** grab occasionally, and discreetly. And any guy with very much experience and any type of couth, would know when and where to make that move. But the way that he "really did not apologize" is way more troubling. I forget what that type of flaw is called, it is a little different than narcissism, but I can't remember it right now. But that aspect is way more troubling than the actual act. This guy is a person that does not own up and take responsibility for obvious mistakes. If you extrapolate that out to a relationship it spells disaster... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I forget what that type of flaw is called, it is a little different than narcissism, but I can't remember it right now. I was thinking that too, I can't remember either. It was like narcissism but "darker". psychopath sociopath narcissist But reading this article I think sociopath is the right term. It is very similar to narcissist but it is more the "bad boy" than the "pretty boy". https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-integrationist/201608/narcissist-or-sociopath-similarities-differences-and-signs Link to post Share on other sites
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