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Am I being played or am I being selfish?


Buckmeister

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Buckmeister

Let me go over the details. I am 22, I have been in a relationship with a 23 year old mother of two for three months. She has been through two guys who dumped her and then was raped. Everything was going great, I stepped up and put her and her children before everything and she loved it.I loved it and I fell in love with her and the kids. In the last month I stayed there almost every day, I asked her making sure this was fine and I that I was not over stepping boundaries.

 

I have messages from her in the past month, saying how she doesn't know what she would do without me, how I can't go anywhere because I'm stuck with her. Messages of how it's okay that I've been around so much, and that she wants me there, and she wants to make my life better (that last message was the night before she started all the current trouble)

 

The current trouble as of three days ago is this. She message me said she wanted some alone time with her boys asked if I could stay away for a couple days. I said yeah of course no problem. Well the day goes on and she texts me asking if I was mad at her. I said not in the slightest. Day goes on she tells me she needs a break, and then all of a sudden it turns into she's not ready for a relationship and she thought she was but she can't do it.

 

 

I beg and plead with her to just please stop and think about this for a few days and that we can just try to have a simple relationship before just breaking up. She said that I had no choice in it and it's over. This is where things get interesting.

 

I've had her car for about a month at a buddies where we fix our vehicles, I changed the oil and intakes gaskets, turns out at the new pressure blew out an already failing catalytic converter. Took us a while to get it diagnosed, order the part, and get it all torn apart, it's a hell of a catalytic converter. I've been helping her mom to get my girlfriend back and forth to work for this month. ANYWAY I said okay if that's how it's going to be, you can call a tow truck for your vehicle, because I'm not gonna fix it.

 

As soon as I said that she said well hold on, give me time to think about this. The day went on, and around bed time she started messaging me, about how she does not want a relationship, she's serious and it can't go on, but I better fix her ****ing car because it's my fault, and that she would never treat me like this. I told her I'm gonna give her the space she needs ,goodnight and sweet dreams.

 

The next day I figured that I needed to make sure the car is not a factor, I told her my buddy would simply finish the vehicle for a hundred bucks and that's It. She said okay. She also told me that if I want any chance with her that I would just leave her alone and stop talking to her. She said that I can go on a date with her Sunday and I will pick her up and drop her off just like a regular date.

 

So here I am. I have no idea what to do. I never thought that I'd end up in a situation like this. She never made me change my relationship status.

 

Another factor that needs to be thrown in there, she left her ex who she had the one year old with a year ago because of his anger problems. I caught a text message from him one morning I turned off her alarm that said he was really working on his anger problems and trying to be a better person. This same guy has also IN THE PAST THREE DAYS coincidently been liking her facebook posts about how she had a great day with her boys and all the pictures she post of both boys. He NEVER like anything except the ones of just his baby before.

 

My mother's take on all of this is she realized she wanted something else a month ago, was to scared to bail because I had her car, and that she led me on until it was fixed but couldn't do it anymore so she let me down but now I'm putting up such a fight that she's telling me what she has to until she for sure has her vehicle, oh and the $500 worth of presents she bought for her boys that she stored at my house (can't take them back due to snow)

 

But if it was about the car the whole time...why did she tell me the night before all of this that she wants to make me happy and my life better? And that I'm stuck with her forever?

 

During the last three months I have more than kind, always put her and her boys first, agreed to no sex due to her rape and then when she pushed sex on me and it happened she was push me away and become distant she said because of the rape, which in turn became an agreement we can't have sex for a while and I agreed with no problems. I would deal with the terrible feeling I would get when she pushed me away some days because I cared about her so much and I knew what she had been through.

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She's a hot mess, and there is nothing you can do for her to straighten things out. You are quite vulnerable right now and I suggest you take a break from her, and all this. Once you have some time away from it, you will be able to think clearer and realize this girl is not emotionally stable. She has her ex, her kids and you, pulling her in 3 directions. I think you need to ditch her to lighten her emotional load. It would be better for the both of you. Remember, you have only invested 2 months into this....there will be no loss.

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happyhusband0005

Bud, do not get into a relationship with a 23 year old who already has 2 kids from two guys one of which has anger issues. You need to get off that crazy train. Do Not I repeat DO NOT be the guy who needs to rescue women.

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Versacehottie

Um, i think your mama is right. Sorry, I hope you are ok. But take this as the sign to run. There is a reason she has what seems to be a considerable amount of drama and major life things at such a young age. Don't let yourself be dragged into the instability--it could seriously affect your life for a long time. Just count yourself lucky that you found this out now even if it's ugly at the moment and get out. Good luck

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She has a history of making bad decisions. This one happens to work in your favor. You dodged a bullet.

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Maybe she's reconsidering her ex, but up until you mentioned that, I thought that you guys having her car for a month might be the reason. That's a long time.

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In the last month I stayed there almost every day, I asked her making sure this was fine and I that I was not over stepping boundaries.

 

Way too much too soon. It will blow up in your face (and it does as we see below)

 

The current trouble as of three days ago is this. She message me said she wanted some alone time with her boys asked if I could stay away for a couple days. I said yeah of course no problem. Well the day goes on and she texts me asking if I was mad at her. I said not in the slightest. Day goes on she tells me she needs a break, and then all of a sudden it turns into she's not ready for a relationship and she thought she was but she can't do it.

 

Typical when a woman is rushed into something too soon. Her past makes it even harder for her than most women. Just do what she says. Wait till she asks you to come back.

 

I beg and plead with her to just please stop and think about this for a few days and that we can just try to have a simple relationship before just breaking up. She said that I had no choice in it and it's over.

 

Bad move. Graveling, begging, pleading. The worst kind of needy behavor.

 

ANYWAY I said okay if that's how it's going to be, you can call a tow truck for your vehicle, because I'm not gonna fix it.

 

Now you're being a but-hurt dick.

Stick a fork in it, your done.

Get you act together and do a better job with the next one. Have more respect for a woman that has been raped, abused, and has a couple a kids to raise.

 

this. The day went on, and around bed time she started messaging me, about how she does not want a relationship, she's serious and it can't go on, but I better fix her ****ing car because it's my fault, and that she

 

That is exactly what any normal person would tell you.

 

Another factor that needs to be thrown in there, she left her ex who she had the one year old with a year ago because of his anger problems.

 

And now you are acting like him.

 

caught a text message from him one morning I turned off her alarm that said he was really working on his anger problems and trying to be a better person.

 

You didn't "catch a text", you were snooping on her phone,...and turned off the message alarm to keep her from noticing it.

 

During the last three months I have more than kind, always put her and her boys first,

 

That is certainly not what I am seeing here.

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Buckmeister

Now you're being a but-hurt dick.

Stick a fork in it, your done.

Get you act together and do a better job with the next one. Have more respect for a woman that has been raped, abused, and has a couple a kids to raise.

 

I did nothing but respect her even if I was dis respected. But the fact that she did this to me while telling me she wants me around the night before, was too much for me. We were making plans for renting a house. Also she is not stranded without her vehicle. Her parents have two more she can use for work.

 

The month came from a week to diagnose it, a week for her to get paid, and a week for the part to come in the mail. I had for about a week to fix but never did, it rained and snowed.

 

 

You didn't "catch a text", you were snooping on her phone,...and turned off the message alarm to keep her from noticing it.

 

The alarm was her wake up alarm, the text was up front on the screen when I turned off that alarm.

 

 

I got her flowers on her birthday and a big box of chocolates. I got her more flowers, chocolates, gift card to her favorite restaurant, a $200 spa certificate, and each of her kids Valentine's Day bags I made up, all for Valentine's Day. Also got her mom something.

 

I'd pitch in around the house, I'd buy stuff for it, I'd clean up the kitchen and living room, I made sure her one boy got a toy if I bought the other a toy.

 

I'd rub her feet every single night after she got off work. I did nothing except treat them like the single mom and the kids who had bad dads deserved to be treated.

 

My dad abandoned me, so I was just trying to be a better man and show someone that I could. She always embraced these actions and told me how much she liked it.

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I did nothing but respect her even if I was dis respected. But the fact that she did this to me while telling me she wants me around the night before, was too much for me.

 

It shouldn't be too much for you. But you're only 22,...it takes practice. I'm sure signs were there before that, but at only 22 you may not have had enough experience to spot it yet.

 

I "poked you with a stick", kinda hard actually, to see if you'd go off on me and you didn't so that is a good sign.

 

In any case, write this one off as a learning experience. You'll laugh about it a year from now. Do a better job with the next one.

 

Be pleasant, respectful, caring,...those are all good things. But don't be their Manservant. They will loose respect for you.

 

 

My dad abandoned me, so I was just trying to be a better man and show

 

I didn't know my dad till I was 16. Been there, done that, got the shirt, socks, and underwear. I made every mistake you did and some you haven't thought of yet.

I'm 55. The guys on here I give the hardest time to are the guys I used to be.

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You can't take a woman's car apart and then not fix it and tell her to get a tow truck. You have to do the right thing in that regard. That being said, this gal sounds like a terrible person. I'd run.

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You're a young man, I'm confused as to why you felt the need to take on so much so early to someone you barely knew. Sounds like you knew you were being used but dealt with it because you craved being in a relationship. Give her car back and move on, don't be petty.

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Buckmeister
You can't take a woman's car apart and then not fix it and tell her to get a tow truck. You have to do the right thing in that regard. That being said, this gal sounds like a terrible person. I'd run.

 

 

Car is being fixed for 100 bucks by the persons house it is at, which is good the average cost for that repair on her car is at least 1000. I bought all the other little parts we need, I paid for the oil, filter, spark plugs, upper and lower intake gaskets, valve cover gaskets. She got a hell of a deal for the cost of the catalytic converter, 100, and the 100 for labor.

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Buckmeister

So the car is going to be finished today, her clothes and toys are returned back to her as of yesterday. She called me yesterday about the car and I poured out how I felt and told her I don't wanna just be friends and that I want to make this work. She just said OK, then there was a very long silence and I finally said I'll let you know what's going on with the car tomorrow.

 

Shortly after she texted me asking me if I want to go on a date Sunday still, which she previously said she would earlier this week and changed her mind.

 

So I have a date with her, and I guess or at least I hope that she has agreed to move slow and see where this goes.

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heavenonearth

Wowwwwsa.

I mean, i am trying to think back to myself when i was 23.

I was such a fool. I was selfish and entitled. I thought i had it all figured out.

 

I can’t even imagine having two kids at that age - let alone from two men!? That kind of speaks volumes about this woman.

 

It sucks she was with an angry douche and it is terrible she was raped.

But these things have nothing to do with her behaviors, if you ask me.

 

After all, she is only 23, she got a lot responsibility for her age (too much, if you ask me), and i bet you she does not love you.

 

She has no room in her heart for you. Or in her head.

It was nice and convenient while you were around.

She had someone who gave her positive attention.

She needed that.

But that’s not good for you.

 

If i were you i would move on to someone who’s got less “baggage”, and with that i mean “not two kids from two different men”, plus if i were you, i would look for someone who loves you back. Who wants you.

 

Why would you go on another date with her after all this???

I am not saying she is “using” you per se, but she kinda is, because she is playing games with you. I bet it is some sort of power play - for once she has the upper hand. It’s not healthy.

You’re not her priority. You are a convenience.

 

You want to be more than that.

 

X

Edited by heavenonearth
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So the car is going to be finished today, her clothes and toys are returned back to her as of yesterday. She called me yesterday about the car and I poured out how I felt and told her I don't wanna just be friends and that I want to make this work. She just said OK, then there was a very long silence and I finally said I'll let you know what's going on with the car tomorrow.

 

Shortly after she texted me asking me if I want to go on a date Sunday still, which she previously said she would earlier this week and changed her mind.

 

So I have a date with her, and I guess or at least I hope that she has agreed to move slow and see where this goes.

 

Worst. Idea. Ever.

 

You'd be best to run from this one. Fast.

 

But clearly you are not done being her lackey.

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Buckmeister

You're absolutely right and I know it's all true I just can't bring my 22 year old self to accept that it happened to me especially since the whole week before it was nothing but her telling me she wants me in her life and I'm stuck with her.

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heavenonearth
You're absolutely right and I know it's all true I just can't bring my 22 year old self to accept that it happened to me especially since the whole week before it was nothing but her telling me she wants me in her life and I'm stuck with her.

 

She said that out of selfishness and desperation, because it was convenient for her to have you around and make her feel good. She does not love you. People in love don't go back and forth about wanting to be with someone the way she is.

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I'm going to start of with the car situation. I think we all agree that she used you, but I think it's rather crappy to take her car apart to pieces and then tell her to call a tow. I don't know what financial agreements you had or that you'll ever see it, but the least you could do is make the thing drivable and complete the commitment you made, so that she can find another mechanic. Be done with it, lesson learned.

 

At the age of 23, she's had two children with two fathers and a traumatic experience, and I hate to point fingers at the victim, but I question her choices that put her in a precarious position in the first place judging solely on what you presented...red flag right there...and very quickly you were living in her home, pulling the father figure and husband routine, and at the time she liked it...until she didn't. All this occurred during the "honeymoon phase" of dating...too much too soon...and this goes right straight back to her choices. Who in their right mind brings in a live-in with her children so quickly (even without children)? It's not a smart choice. You're a good guy, but not all these men are good men, which is why dating as a single mother is so scary...she's impulsive and doesn't think.

 

------

 

An update has occurred while writing, and I'm glad to see you're getting her car dealt with and gone...she should be gone along with it.

 

What I think you should *not* be doing is pursing a relationship with her any further, as much as it hurts. She's a hot mess and doesn't know what she wants, and she has not dealt with her rape, let alone producing babies with two men who are marginally in the picture or completely absent, and still pursing the second (?) who has left her high and dry for a year (?). She has three priorities - her boys, her job, and working on herself, her rape, and her psyche, so that she can be the best she can be for her family.

 

She can bring in a boyfriend/spouse when she is in a healthy place, and any smart woman making smart choices won't pull someone into her home as a husband and father after two dates.

 

You're so young, and I think you are going to be an excellent father and husband some day, and you may find yourself with a "ready made" family, and I commend you for taking on the role (I love my stepfather as if he were my dad, and my dad is in the picture), but you can't leap into this role after only two months, and any woman who requires it, should be a red flag for you. You can help, we all do, but only in small, easy doses...like go with her to help make arrangements for car repair, as you are knowledgeable, and you can maybe get her some discount, then maybe grab a dinner or lunch afterwards, make it a date, but don't take on the task on your own. You'll do that later, when your relationship is established and you've been dating for months, and things are serious.

 

This woman is messy and I don't know what's going on with parenting time/visitation with the children, child support, or if she's trying to get back into a relationship with one of the fathers...way too much going on, too much drama, and she needs to not concern herself with boyfriends right now, but rather bettering herself and raising her children and bettering her career so she can support these babies.

 

She's not into you. She'll keep you around if you can help with a crisis, and then you'll be yesterday's news...again.

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Buckmeister
She said that out of selfishness and desperation, because it was convenient for her to have you around and make her feel good. She does not love you. People in love don't go back and forth about wanting to be with someone the way she is.

 

She has told me she loves me but is not in love with me, so you're right. My mom told me the same thing that I was nothing but a convenience to her and she was leading me along the whole time until she fulfilled whatever she was trying to fulfill in her own mind. Then the car thing happened and she led me on until she got it back, then realized how long it was taking and just left.

 

Of course I totally want to forget about her and move on to someone else, I just wish she would of straight up dumped me so I could move on but now I'm being toyed with.

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Buckmeister

Also just to put it out there the first guy, WHO I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO MENTION, SHE IS STILL MARRIED TO, is long gone and moved on to someone else they can't find him, she is supposed to divorce him in July.

 

The second guy gets the one year old for four nights out of the week, they still talk to remain in contact about the child and are still friends.

 

This chick always made me suspicious because there is a picture of the second guy, with his baby, on top of the refrigerator in a basket. Everytime you use they're fridge you see his damn face.

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She has told me she loves me but is not in love with me, so you're right. My mom told me the same thing that I was nothing but a convenience to her and she was leading me along the whole time until she fulfilled whatever she was trying to fulfill in her own mind. Then the car thing happened and she led me on until she got it back, then realized how long it was taking and just left.

 

Of course I totally want to forget about her and move on to someone else, I just wish she would of straight up dumped me so I could move on but now I'm being toyed with.

 

You're being toyed with because you are ALLOWING it. You know very well what's going on here...YOU KNOW...and you have people outside of this relationship, personal people, not just on an online forum, telling you the same thing. You KNOW...and you are allowing it because you're allowing yourself to get sucked into her "sweet nothings" when she needs/wants something, and maybe for a brief moment, she wants you, but that is fleeting. She's not going to cut the rope. You know she won't cut the rope. It is entirely ON YOU to end this thing. YOU have to drop the rope...no more contact.

 

You can't force her to love you. She's not in it. Accept it. Cry, punch something unbreakable (way too expensive to fix things like bones and walls), and move forward with the knowledge of "what not to do." You're 22 years old. Concentrate on building a stable life and career for yourself and a family that is in your future...this one is not it, and we all know it...you're just not accepting it.

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heavenonearth
Also just to put it out there the first guy, WHO I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO MENTION, SHE IS STILL MARRIED TO, is long gone and moved on to someone else they can't find him, she is supposed to divorce him in July.

 

The second guy gets the one year old for four nights out of the week, they still talk to remain in contact about the child and are still friends.

 

This chick always made me suspicious because there is a picture of the second guy, with his baby, on top of the refrigerator in a basket. Everytime you use they're fridge you see his damn face.

 

Married to someone else?

 

Dude, it’s just getting impossible at this point. Why do you bother with her ?????

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You're young and you need to collect some insights, some sings to help you navigate your way in this complex maze.

 

One of my sings is - when someone tells me: "If you want a chance with me than....." for me, this is the immediate end of everything. She should actively want me in order to have me. If she's threatening or doing me a favor, she lost me right away.

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Buckmeister
Married to someone else?

 

Dude, it’s just getting impossible at this point. Why do you bother with her ?????

 

 

I've only been in one other serious relationship, and maybe two other little ones that lasted a week. Those were all before I even turned 18, for some reason our parents thought it was okay to let me,14-15 stay with my girlfriend 13-14 almost daily for a while year, which ended badly.

 

One of the week long things happened when I was 18. I lost interest in wanting a relationship, I didn't even look for this one, it came out no where and seemed amazing and I was willing to make it work no matter what.

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