karliewhatyouwant Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 Hi there, I went on a date with a guy a little after Christmas. I was a bit hesitant about going on a date with him as he seemed a particular 'type' (Oxbridge, bit posh etc.) but he seemed cute. Anyway, he ended up being quite down to earth and funny and we've been on a lot of dates together and enjoyed each others' company. Eventually he asked us to become official a few weeks ago so we are in a relationship, although if I am honest I wasn't ready for that step even though we'd been dating for a few months. I still wasn't sure. Anyway, recently I have been getting more and more unsure about the relationship. He comes across as a bit of an intellectual snob (have you seen X? Have you done Y? Have you heard of Z?) and basically I am getting really sick of the endless cultural / high brow references. Whilst I myself have a good job (I'm in the professional services sector in the City) and a degree from a good school, it isn't quite as amazing as his educational background. I came from a pretty working class background and didn't have the privilege of all this high brow culture etc. I'm also not massively into it, I have my own interests such as music, travel, fitness and healthy living. The more and more time I spend with him, I realise him and his family are like this. Very bookish and to be honest, quite intense. Also all of his friends are like this and to be honest, I am so chilled out that I find a lot of the time I am drained hanging out with them. I really like him as a person and sexually we are compatible, but I just feel he really would be better off with an intellectual / someone who is quite artsy. I just can't really offer the kind of conversations etc. that I think he is looking for, although he seems oblivious to my ambivalence about him so I think he could be really upset when I do break the news. Basically - can these relationships ever really work out or eventually does a time come when the parties realise that it's just awkward / too different? The other thing is that I constantly find myself checking out other guys, in my last relationship when I developed feelings I stopped noticing other people. What is the best way to go here? Is it legit to tell someone that you think that some hypothetical other person would be a better fit for them? I am not seeing anyone else, although I have thought maybe I should date other people, but I just don't think I am the right person for him... Advice appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
sour_pikle Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 In my experience these things don't tend to work out very often. I found that perhaps at the beginning of a new relationship it can be exciting to date someone "different" than you because they can show you things you may have not otherwise experienced. However, from the way you are describing things it sounds like you are finding that what he has to offer isn't inline with your lifestyle and interests. Anything that you find "posh" or "snobby" this early in the relationship will only intensify down the road. example: I dated a woman years ago. she came from a big family that loved to hold lots of family get together and showed an extreme amount of affection to one another. I come from a small family and never knew my father. So at first, this large family thing was exciting to me. I found that after about a year of attending these family events, that it was hard for me to relate to all of them because I had grown up so differently. (Try explaining that you grew up in foster care and never met your father to a giant happy family at a the supper table during xmas dinner!!!) I don't think that checking out other guys while your in a relationship in means very much. Were all human. I love the girl im with now but that doesn't mean I don't notice a nice butt or a hot woman in a red dress lol. just don't give out your number or act on it(Obviously) I'm going to go out on a limb and say you already know it wont work out anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 Simple you tell him you are not compatible, due to the fact you both come from different worlds and you are not into his world/lifestyle. If he is as intelligent as you say he is, he will understand what you are talking about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 Don't tell him what would be best for him, he knows. Tell him YOU don't feel enough compatibility and attraction to continue. You are unhappy with the relationship, not him, so really really don't tell him what he should want or what he needs, it's not yours to decide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 he sounds like an ass, dump him and move on Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I have a Ph.D. and all, but it's in Engineering and I am not artsy at all. I did date a guy at one point who was like your boyfriend. I can completely relate to what you're saying. Dating him was exhausting and I almost felt I needed to study before going on a date with him. For example, one time, he takes me to a museum. From a different room, he points to a picture on the wall in the next room of the museum and asks me "who do you think painted that?" WTF? I had no ideea (nor did I care honestly) and I was continuously failing his tests. And his texting was about different interesting biology/medicine related problems and asking me these technical questions that may relate to my field of study. Not fun. Total boner killer, it was stressing the heck out of me. Would I know how to answer my love interest's next art or science question?? Likely not. :/ I don't think this can last, you should just let him know it's been nice, but you think you are too different to last on the long term and you should both move on to find more compatible people. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 Only he can decide if you're not artsy or elite enough for him, but from your point of view, if he's repetitive about whatever he's talking about, that would get old real fast, boring. My best suggestion is for you to keep expanding your universe so you have things to talk about that are your interests and if he gets repetitive, just get out. Everyone does get repetitive once you're with them a long time, though, but if it really annoys you now, think about 10 years from now! Link to post Share on other sites
2much4 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Hi there, He comes across as a bit of an intellectual snob (have you seen X? Have you done Y? Have you heard of Z?) and basically I am getting really sick of the endless cultural / high brow references. I came from a pretty working class background and didn't have the privilege of all this high brow culture etc. I'm also not massively into it, I have my own interests such as music, travel, fitness and healthy living. The more and more time I spend with him, I realise him and his family are like this. Very bookish and to be honest, quite intense. Also all of his friends are like this and to be honest, I am so chilled out that I find a lot of the time I am drained hanging out with them. I wouldn't tell him anything you've said here. Just tell him you're not really feeling it and think you should break up. After a few weeks you don't really need to give any more information. I'd be kind of embarassed telling someone they're "too cultured" for me. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Don't tell him what would be best for him, he knows. Tell him YOU don't feel enough compatibility and attraction to continue. You are unhappy with the relationship, not him, so really really don't tell him what he should want or what he needs, it's not yours to decide. All of the above. You are not happy, so own it and end this, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
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